I Won't Say It
by Melora Maxwell
Summary: After the little incident with Hercules, Hades has been repaid on the scales of cosmic justice by finding Persephone, goddess of rebirth and woman of his dreams. Part 50: 'Hey, bonds of blood are for wimps. Bonds of puke – longer-lasting and more memorable.'
1. Chapter 1: Immortality bites

A/N: After careful consideration of the later parts of this fic, I decided a cleanup and edit was required for the first several chapters. I blame writer's block, a few new ideas, and the wonderful Jurious for inspiring said cleanup.

* * *

Disclaimer: So far, I own Persephone, and that's about it, sadly. Everything else belongs to Disney. Taking a few liberties with the relationships of the gods, so just keep open-minded!

/…/ denotes character thoughts

* * *

**I Won't Say It: Part 1**

* * *

The Underworld.

The Pit of Suffering.

The Land of Eternal Darkness

The Halls of the Damned.

And so on and so forth.

Basically, _not_ the best place to be if you happened to be mortal, and frankly, immortal tedium if you happened to be a deeply cranky and insanely bored God of the Dead.

Which Hades, Lord of the Dead, Ruler of the Underworld, and Zeus's baby brother, definitely was.

One year on from the little…incident with Hercules, and life was not being particularly fairer to him than before. For all his grandiose schemes of ruling Olympus (or at least a break from managing Club Dead), the flame-headed god was still stuck in the biggest pit known to the deities, with the fairly obvious exception of Northern Caledonia.

Of course, the icing on the ambrosia now was the teeny little nitchkin of a fact that he was barred from Olympus unless summoned by Thunder Boy himself.

All things considered though, that wasn't exactly what he called punishment. More of a bonus.

Sort of.

Ish.

Due to the extreme lack of current ideas for cosmic and/or Olympian domination, he had fallen back on one of his preferred pastimes - live target practice.

Pain and Panic naturally being the targets.

* * *

The chubby purple imp had made a fairly impressive indent on the far stone wall while his skinnier green counterpart was whimpering and smouldering perhaps a little too literally beside the giant chessboard.

Even from his throne, Hades could pull off some impressive shots when he was in the mood. Right now though, he was getting too bored even for minion roasting.

Grateful not to have ended up in the Styx for the fifth time running, Pain eventually managed to yank his head out of the masonry, while Panic reformed from a pile of ashes into his normal green form.

'Uuuhhh, boss? Why'd ya stop with the flaming evilness roasting deal?'

This was slightly too confusing for Pain's somewhat limited thought processes. Normally, he and Panic both had to end up as smoking piles of ashes before Hades would have an idea along the lines of overthrowing someone or something for either personal gain, or out of a need for entertainment. Ever since the business with Hercules, the boss had seemed a little too morbid, even for him. Probably the dip in the Styx had something to do with it.

The Lord of the Dead shot a half-hearted glare at the purple minion. The two shrimps had no idea.

Banned from leaving his…kingdom, for lack of a better or less obscene word.  
Barred from Olympus.  
By his own big brother no less.

And here he had though for the past few hundred years he was supposed to be the malicious one.

He rested his chin against one of his hands and sighed.

'Just trying to reflect on how my life managed to get even worse than it was before Golden Boy turned up as the big hero of Olympus. That, boys, does not a perky God of Death make.'

Panic nudged Pain in the ribs. 'Since when has the boss ever been perky?'

Pain thought for a second.

It looked fairly complicated.

'I think it's meant to be one of those rhetorical statement thingies.'

'Ahem? Lord of Dead in hearing range? Hello?'

Hades's left eyebrow twitched as his hair flared up to a worrying red.

The two imps backed into the wall. Their employer's legendary short temper had just reached its limit. On the overly optimistic bright side, at least a roasting was less complex to deal with than Hades' mood swings.

The blue and grey god raised a hand…and gestured at the doorway, his hair colour fading from red back to its normal blue. 'Go walk Cerberus. He's getting antsy.'

Growing steadily more confused, the two demon minions scurried out, grateful to get away from the flaming picture of weirdness that was occupying Hades's throne.

Settling back into his throne, the said flaming picture of weirdness sighed once again and stared out of the window, idly taking count of the souls flooding into the Styx. A minor plague in Southern Macedonia meant Charon the boatman had to put in double time shifts.

But at least he got to meet the latest stiffs from the topside.

Pain and Panic were currently trying to fit three gigantic leashes over Cerberus's three heads while trying to avoid getting eaten in the process, and they were failing spectacularly.

But at least they had something to do.

All he had to do was sit like a shmuck and look professional in case any of his so-called family turned up. And when the hell was that supposed to happen now?

All the other gods and goddesses had it easy. The sun, medicine, love, war, lightning…a strategically shaved and trained chimp could do their jobs. And at least they had company. Down here, the only halfway intelligent lifeforms around were the imps, the dog and Charon.

And he already had doubts about the imps.

/This isn't exactly how I pictured omniscience. Lousy stupid butt-kissing sons of Cronus…sitting up there laughing and schmoozing…won't even visit me either. A little bit of company is all I want.

OK, rephrase that; a little bit of company and eternal ruler of the cosmos, but let's stick to attainable goals./

Several hundred years of isolation had started to take its toll on the already cynical god.

Hades would never admit it, not even to himself, but he was incredibly lonely. More lonely than he ever cared to say.

And it completely sucked.

* * *

There was no way in Hades she was ever going to forgive her parents for this. As if being stuck in Asia Minor for the past Zeus-knows-how many years hadn't been bad enough. At least there she'd been able to hang around with the snake-god Naga whenever the It-goddess Parvati had been getting on her nerves.

But Olympus had changed drastically ever since she had left, and she wasn't sure she liked it. Zeus had become a lot more domineering ever since the 'incident', whatever that was, and her mom was, to say the least, smothering. Right up to the point where she wished to staple things to her head.

Her dad, luckily, had been as easy-going as always. Then again, it was pretty hard to imagine Bacchus as anything but easy-going. Unfortunately, he had agreed with Demeter that 'his lil' girl' was to make her debut on Olympus with all the trimmings. And on this subject, the god of parties and the goddess of the plants were immovable.

Persephone, the goddess of spring and rebirth, and daughter of Demeter and Bacchus, angrily kicked at a cloudbank in sheer frustration.

Three weeks she'd been stuck up here, ever since she'd returned from her training in Asia Minor, and every demi-god from Nemesis upwards had been appearing on Olympus cooing and fussing over her, saying how beautiful she was, and how she'd make one of the gods a wonderful wife and…yargh.

The atmosphere of sweetness and light and butt-kissing was starting to make her feel nauseous.

As a child, she had inherited her mother's light green skin tone along with her father's dark purple-pink hair. Most of the deities at that point had said she would be striking rather than pretty. At the time, she really hadn't cared.

After living with several pantheons of eastern deities for the past few centuries, her looks had drastically changed. Light green had been replaced with light red; purple-pink replaced with red-black.

Not exactly the appearance typical of a goddess of rebirth.

Or the personality, for that matter.

She looked down at the cloudbank and rolled her eyes. It had changed from a weak yellow-grey back to pure white, as had the other clouds she had stomped on after she had left her parents' quarters. The power of purification was an utter bitch at times. Especially when you just wanted to have a nice quiet skulk like a sane person.

She sighed as the sounds of fluttering wings reached her ears. /Great. Either the cloud of cutesy bluebirds didn't get the hint the first time, or Wing Boy came charging after me./

One glance upwards answered her query.

'Whaddya want now, Hermes?'

The blue-skinned messenger of the gods floated above her, the winged sandals he wore going currently in overdrive. 'Much as I hate to interrupt such a groovy display of rebellion and negativity at the cosmos; your mom's still on the warpath over the debut bacchanal.'

'I thought I was pretty clear on what I thought of the whole idea.'

Hermes peered at her over the top of his shades. 'Telling your mom you'd rather, and I quote 'cut off my head, fill it with water and give it to Zeus as a vase' unquote, maybe wasn't the mellowest way of telling her.'

'It was the only way to get through to her.'

'Seph, c'mon. Do this for me?'

The glare she gave him was worthy of Hades himself. 'Yeah, _real_ mature Hermes; guilt-trip me.'

'Please? C'mon…'

'No.'

'Least you can do after I got you out of the wrestling match with Grishnu.'

Persephone sighed in resignation. 'I hate you sometimes.'

'Atta girl.'

She sighed again as she stood up, straightened her kitan, and followed Hermes as he soared ahead of her.

'Doesn't mean I'm gonna enjoy it, though.'

'Never said you had to, babe.'

* * *

TBC

* * *


	2. Chapter 2: Death and Rebirth

A/N: People actually reviewed! I'm flattered. No, really.

* * *

**VMorticia**: I'm evil by blood. What can I say? Glad you like!

**Solitareone**: Hermes is one of my favourite characters by far, but against Hades? No contest.

**The Perpetual Lurker**: The only reason I have a grip on Hades's warped personality is because I temporarily kidnapped him. I do this a lot.

* * *

Disclaimer: I just own a few videos, the DVD of the movie, and Seph. Sigh.

/.../ denotes thoughts

**

* * *

**

**I Won't Say It: Part 2**

* * *

'Put it on.'

'No.'

'Put it on!'

'Bite me.'

'You're wearing this dress, young lady!'

'I'm not young. I'm seven hundred years old, _in case_ you didn't notice!'

'Don't take that tone with me, madam. You're wearing this dress!'

'White makes me look fat.'

Sometimes Demeter wished she'd simply had a nice sensible daughter.

One who did what she was told, who stayed in line…who was a mommy's girl to put it bluntly.

This now called for more drastic measures.

Or at least what Demeter termed as drastic.

'Put this on, or I'll get your father!'

The goddess-to-be rolled her eyes in complete disdain.

'Oh, please watch me quivering in my sandals.'

The goddess of the plants threw her hands up in exasperation and stormed out, leaving Persephone with something floaty, feminine, and definitely not black. The request (translation: order) from Zeus had been that if she was making her debut on Olympus, she was wearing 'traditional' colours and a 'traditional' dress in order to make her look, at the very least, like a 'traditional' Grecian maiden.

Fat chance.

If it wasn't something tight, black or at least half-way fashionable, then she wouldn't touch it with a ten foot sceptre.

Not to mention that Zeus's idea of 'traditional' probably verged _slightly_ more on the 'dense-and-knocked-up-by-said-god' side of the Grecian maiden bit than she was _entirely_ happy with.

Eeesh.

'Not wise, getting your mom riled.' Hermes had opted to fly above the proceedings, purely for amusement purposes.

'If all this crap wasn't on the direct order of Zeus, I'd tell him to get knotted and go back to Asia Minor.' She poked the edge of the kitan warily.

'C'mon. Your parents are doing this 'cos they love you.' Apparently the earlier guilt trip was now running a sequel.

'So why are you sticking up for me then?'

'Mostly since it's a completely groovy situation and I want a front row seat.'

She fluttered her eyelashes and smiled innocently up at him at him. Innocently as a pissed off tiger.

'Remind me. Who am I doing this for again?'

'I'm going, I'm going.' The blue-skinned god neatly soared into the air.

'Just remember; fifteen minutes and it's all over.'

Persephone's caustic smile grew steadily into a smirk. '_That _sounds familiar…'

* * *

The Lord of the Dead's normal look of complete disdain dropped a few notches down to marginally intrigued as he skimmed the invitation. Air-mail naturally.

'So who's the yutz who's getting the do thrown for them?'

The messenger of Olympus settled comfortably in the air a few feet above Hades's flaming head, and tried not to get scorched.

'The cat's known as Persephone, daughter of Bacchus and Demeter; goddess of rebirth and spring on the immortal 'Who's Who'.'

Whoa no.

No.

Not _Persephone_. She was an annoying little spoilt brat the last time he'd had the misfortune of meeting her and doubtless hadn't changed, given the fact she was one of the youngest deities of Olympus. She'd actually taken his position as the baby of the gods several hundred years ago before being ousted herself by Jerkules.

Hades groaned as he noted on the bottom of the invite, 'By order of Zeus.'

So no way of missing this one due to a last minute divine intervention.

'Ok. Fine. Great. So my big bro wants me to go to some big Olympian schmooze up in which 99 percent of the Earth's godsquad get off their immortal faces on nectar _except_ yours truly who regretfully has the full time dead gig, therefore no fun for me _or_ the sucker of a goddess whose debut will be considered an excuse _not_ to remember the entire night. That it in a nutshell?'

'Classy as always, Flame Guy.'

Hermes abruptly found himself face-to-smouldering-face with a deeply pissed off Hades. 'The, ah, Flame Guy crack didn't pass muster?'

The flames roasted the ceiling of the throne room.

Grateful not to be mortal for at least the sixty-seventh time in his immortal life, Hermes fluttered out of reach and headed for the surface.

'You're going then?'

'Like I have a _choice_, Wing Boy? Oy…'

Ignoring the relieved departure of the flapping annoyance, Hades slumped back in his throne and rubbed his flaming temples with his fingers.

'Lousy divine intervention. Can't I just kvetch in peace down here?'

'You're not going, Your Flamefulness?' Pain was intermittently trying to keep up with the one-sided conversation while trying to mop off Cerberus's drool. The giant three-headed dog had decided that Pain made an _excellent_ chew toy about halfway through his walk.

'Sheez, what are you _kidding_ me? 'Course I'm going. The Lord of the Dead does _not_ miss a party.'

Panic looked slightly relieved. A bacchanal might serve to clear up the boss's weird mood. More roastings would no doubt follow, but at least Hades would be putting his heart into them.

'Should we prepare the royal robes, Your Surliness?'

'Make sure you get the starch outta them this time. The chafe-marks after the Gaia Celebration Dinner stuck for nearly a week.'

The imps shuddered. Oh, they remembered.

Pain still had singed wing tips.

* * *

'…Hestia, m'dear, you look fabulous! And Aphrodite, good to see you…Haephestos, got the time out from the workshop? Wonderful…'

More and more demi-gods and goddesses were flooding the gates of Olympus. Cat calls and squeals echoed around the gold-paved entrance to the home of the gods. Some of the more protean Northern gods were comparing chariots and club sizes, while the assembled goddesses milled around, embracing, air-kissing…

All of it neatly halted as soon as Hades found a parking spot. The Furies took up a lot of space, but at least he made a good entrance.

He ignored the silence as he slouched up the steps of Olympus towards the golden gates. Despite the fact that he couldn't pull anything suspicious with so many other immortals around, the sad truth was that no one even remotely trusted him anymore. He wasn't exactly heartbroken. No point wasting anything on this bunch of…

'Ah, there you are, little brother! You finally made it! How are things in the Underworld?'

A meaty golden-tinted arm was flung across his shoulders as he was dragged reluctantly into a bear-hug, trying not to listen to the sounds of several bones getting crushed.

Zeus. Oy.

Knowing none of the godsquad would remember anything he said by the end of the night anyway, he opted to go with tradition.

'Ah, they're just fine, ya know? Little dark, little gloomy, and as always, hey! Full o' dead people, whaddya gonna do?' (1)

While he was almost certain he had heard those words somewhere before, Zeus shrugged off the feeling of déjà-vu and guided his younger brother into the main throne-room, jovial as always.

'I imagine you're as excited as I am about the new addition to the Council of the Gods?'

Deadpan as always, Hades glared straight back at his older brother. 'The excitement's killing me.'

'The excitement's killing you and you're the Lord of the Dead? Brother, that is a good one!' Zeus and some of the other deities in earshot collapsed into fits of laughter at their leader's rather optimistically named 'wit'.

/Great. Someone's been hitting the ambrosia early./

Deciding to back away from the situation, Hades retreated to his traditional perch near the back of the room, near the food and a convenient pillar to skulk behind. As well as making sure no one stayed close to him all night, it gave him an excellent vantage point over the entire room.

Zeus's throne had been moved for the duration, and in its place was a small altar, covered with the finest Grecian silk, and bedecked with gold and silver ornaments, obviously for the ceremony.

/Damn, when Demeter wants all the floofy frills, she gets 'em./

Right now, the rotund god of parties and the plump goddess of the plants were trying to attract everyone's attention. Since Loki was currently trying to juggle Athena's pet feather-ball Ibid, Diana's moon sceptre, the hammer of Thor and a few cutting implements that would have looked completely at home in the lair of Nemesis, this wasn't exactly easy.

It took a quick comment in the form of a thunderbolt from Zeus to get everyone's attention.

'**Ahem. Welcome all gods, goddesses and everything in-between. Tonight is indeed a most joyous occasion, for we celebrate the rising of a new goddess, one who will stand for change and joy on Olympus!**'

Laugher echoed around the throne-room. Hades rolled his eyes and sighed.

Twelve hundred years and his brother's ability to recite a half-way decent speech still sucked beyond measurement.

'**This is not surprising, considering that since she _is_ the daughter of Bacchus and Demeter!**'

Behind a screen, Persephone, now clad in the traditional Grecian maiden garb and feeling distinctly uncomfortable, groaned inwardly and started banging her head against her fist; fully aware she lost a few dozen brain cells every time she did it.

She was busy hoping against hope that if she did it for long enough, she'd have too much of a headache to even bother with the party and just go stargazing with Morpheus instead.

'**So without any further ado, I ask you all to kindly welcome Olympus's new goddess of spring and rebirth, the lovely Lady Persephone.**'

Zeus gestured to the figure behind the screen, who finally emerged while shooting death-glares at her mother and the king of the gods.

* * *

A slightly glazed expression fell unnoticed over Hades's face as he got his first look at the goddess of rebirth in a few hundred years.

She wasn't like the other goddesses, that much he could tell.

For a start, none of them had the air of pure bloody-mindedness that he could sense pouring out of her. Clothed in a simple, loose white robe which frankly left _everything_ to the imagination, she stepped up to the altar beside Zeus, casting a dark gaze over the assembled throng, a stunning contrast with her red skin and red-black hair.

Brain-melting lust appeared on cue as he noted gleefully that she was curved in all the right places, but she didn't look like a weak, girly, breakable goddess. Built more like Artemis, built for speed and strength.

But while her godmother was pretty in a sort of natural, untamed way, Persephone, in the Lord of the Dead's now highly biased view, was nothing short of rivalling Aphrodite in looks.

Hades's brain decided to go for a very, _very_ long walk as he stared at the vision before him.

His plans for the night had gone somewhere along the lines of arrive, schmooze with the deities, watch the lousy ceremony, pretend to congratulate the poor shlub, and be back in the Underworld before Pain and Panic could break the imp-lock on the Tartarus Vision.

Falling smoke over flames in love wasn't exactly what he had intended to happen.

* * *

TBC

* * *


	3. Chapter 3: Please leave a message after ...

A/N: I am _so_ not used to this many reviews within any space of time, but hey! Like I'm complaining.

* * *

**VMorticia:** The Lord of the Dead has been gagged at this point for refusing to lighten up. Again. But anyways, glad you like!

**Yukito-sama:** Who doesn't love Hades? …Don't answer that.

**Crimson Fuchsia:** Let's just say I'm not exactly traditional when it comes to _some_ Greek myths…Keep reading!

* * *

Disclaimer: I have my Inner Hades. He owns the lawyers. I own Seph. Work it out.

/.../ denotes thoughts

* * *

**I Won't Say It: Part 3**

* * *

Trying to keep a perky and joyous expression on her face was difficult at the best of times. And that was when she wasn't in a foul mood.

After the ceremony had been completed, Persephone was rapidly starting to wonder about placing a sign round her neck.

- Persephone, goddess of spring and rebirth. -

- Seven hundred years old. -

- Daughter of Demeter and Bacchus. -

- Of course I've grown. I'm a deity. -

- Yeah. I'm, like, _soooo_ ecstatic to be a proper goddess. The next person who asks me this gets a knuckle pitta. -

Plus, she still couldn't shake off the feeling she was being watched. Not necessarily a bad thing, but still…

Then again, after her mom had been making noises about her little girl either marrying a suitable god or following Artemis and Athena's lead and working as an eternal virgin goddess, the number of 'interested' looks aimed at her was enough to make her heave.

Probably just another warped 'admirer'.

Eeeeesh.

* * *

/Forget gorgeous. This gal's hotter than Apollo's exhaust./

Twenty minutes of staring mindlessly had resulted in most of Hades's coherent thoughts going bye-bye. And that was before he'd noticed the puddle of drool collecting rapidly at his feet.

The Lord of the Dead managed to retrieve his jaw from where it had hit the floor and tried desperately to form an expression of sheer boredom before _she_ could look round and see him doing his best 'smoking goldfish' impression.

Someone had definitely repaid him on the scales of cosmic irony. Try to usurp the big brother's domain; try to kill his son; try to kill his son's girlfriend; get stuck in the Underworld, West of Java; and finally get forced up to some lousy Olympian all-you-can-hurl-come-morning do and find the goddess of his dreams sulking next to her mother and Aphrodite…and the buffet table.

/Hello. Window of opportunity calling God of Dead./

* * *

Demeter's normally glowing face visibly fell as she saw who was lurking near the end of the buffet, examining the salad as if it had recently escaped from Pandora's Box.

Hades. The last god on Earth she wanted her precious baby to be anywhere near. So naturally, Persephone ended up looking round at exactly the wrong moment.

Never one to turn down a chance to annoy Demeter, Persephone had seized her window of opportunity.

'Hey, mom? Who's the god in the flame-kit?'

This god didn't seen to be like the other deities she had been forced to mingle with. Plus, her sainted mother seemed to want her as far away from him as possible.

* * *

Something that felt like a kick in her gut appeared at that exact moment as she studied the god before her.

Tall, dark and morbid, but sort of good-looking in an exceedingly warped way, he was glaring at her with the kind of expression that most people usually reserved for something unidentifiable squashed into the sole of their sandal.

The flame-headed god had turned round at the 'flame-kit' comment, looking ready to smite someone or something. At least until he clocked who'd spoken.

At that moment though, he looked almost…embarrassed to have reacted so badly.

The sneer turned into a smile that would have looked perfect on something scaly, serpentine and very, very hungry.

And damn if he couldn't make that look attractive somehow.

Persephone immediately censored her expression for something a tad more acceptable as the god moved towards her.

He raised a hand in greeting. 'Hades, Lord of the Dead. Congrats on being the rebirth goddess, big honour, yadda yadda yadda…You know the deal.'

She smirked at the name and the introduction. 'Should've guessed from the hair. Haven't seen you around for a few centuries.'

Unconsciously, she folded her arms across her chest and leaned slightly a nearby pillar. Only Hades knew that it was an almost mirror image of his own posture at any Olympian function he was ordered to attend.

His mind started turning into a quivering heap of lust-infected mush almost immediately. 'The Lord of the Dead deal's an on-going gig. What can I say?'

'Anything you say would be better than what the other gods keep bitching about. But I digress. Who dragged you out of the Underworld and how?'

/Keep it together, just keep it together - think fast, think smart, think cool…and make sure the blood stays in your _head_./

'Bribery and a free meal. Sure as hell wasn't the company.'

He raised an eyebrow in what he was praying was a suitably suave manner. 'Until now, at least.'

Persephone just about managed to hold off the blush threatening to crawl across her cheeks, but it was damn close. Annoying her mother was one thing, but this…this was just maybe a step too far. Not that she wasn't appreciative of the compliment, however.

Time to make a discreet exit.

She shifted gracefully away from the pillar. 'Have to go; mom's glaring this way. But nice seeing you again, let's do lunch, yadda yadda yadda…I think you know the rest.'

The grey and blue god barely registered Persephone's smile before his mind went on vacation again.

Immortality could be very kind sometimes.

* * *

'Not that button dummy! The other one!'

'The skeleton key means it's the lock!'

'No, menu means that's where the lock is!'

Panic hurled the remote onto the floor in disgust, watching it slide across the polished marble and rebound off Hades's throne. One hour, twenty-six tries and the imp-lock was still flashing up 'engaged' on the Tartarus Vision.

His purple counterpart was slouched on the floor, apparently thinking. Either that or he'd eaten some very odd grubs.

'Why are we doing this again?'

The skinny green imp refrained from rolling his eyes. Pain could be so dense sometimes it was amazing.

'Because _this_ way we get to watch Merv Griffin without the boss flaring up about cheap entertainment.'

A heavy gust of wind, fresh from the Styx, whistled through the palace corridors, followed by something that sounded like fireworks going off. The two imps looked at each other and instinctively panicked. Hades was back.

'PAIN!'

Right on cue, Pain started running. 'Coming, Your Morbidness.'

'PANIC!'

Panic started running. They both knew how the boss could be if they weren't prompt. It happened a lot.

* * *

Two arguments and six assorted spikes later…

'Pain!…'

'…And Panic!…'

'Reporting for duty!'

Hades just stared at the ceiling and sighed. How these two little clods had made the minion cut, he still had no idea. Luckily, nothing was distracting him from his current good mood.

'Fine. Whatever. Boys, we have work to do.'

Pain and Panic brightened at their employer's words. If Hades was in better humour, the chances were that he had come up with some new scheme to rearrange the cosmos, or at the very _least_, get him out of the rather large mess he had been in since freeing the Titans.

They were confused beyond all belief on discovering that the latest grand scheme involved Hades acquiring a wife.

Now that was a new one.

* * *

TBC

* * *

Hades: Now I really hate you.

Melora: What did I do now?

Hades: Pardon me, but I do not _do_ vacant expressions, babe.

Melora: Do _not_ call me babe.

Hades: Yeah? What are you gonna do about it, _babe_?

Melora: I can make this R-rated at any time, you know…


	4. Chapter 4: Hades:1 Olympus:0

A/N: The amount of times I'm publishing new chapters is getting scary.

* * *

**VMorticia**: Much as I like torturing my muses…Hands off! Hades is MINE!…Did I just say that? Eeew.

**Crimson Fuchsia**: I just threaten the muses with R-rated fics. Keeps 'em in line. In response to VA for 'Seph…it's a tough choice, but either Peri Gilpin or Tresse MacNeille.

* * *

Disclaimer: Don't own 'em, just my diseased imagination and my equally diseased muses going into overdrive again.

/.../ denotes thoughts

* * *

**I Won't Say It: Part 4**

* * *

Great.

Wonderful.

Superb.

Little yutzes.

Needless to say, the imps had failed so spectacularly they deserved a Nemmy for the performance.

The grilling the Lord of the Dead had just pulled on the two minions meant at least five new scorch marks on the chessboard.

/If ya want something done properly, kill the imps before ya start./

The oldest plan in the book - get the incompetence twins to transform, big scary monsters, booga booga booga; then after hearing a petrified scream for help, Hades, who would conveniently be passing by at the time, would flame-grill the freaks and save the poor helpless girl.

Result, one ever-grateful goddess of rebirth, who would gladly accept the generous offer of marriage and badda bing!

One Queen of the Underworld, ready for action.

At least that was the plan, anyway.

Most goddesses would have run screaming from Pain and Panic after they had transformed into chimeras. But oh no, not Persephone.

Of all the goddesses of all the religions of all the world, Hades just _had_ to fall for the one who, if hit, would hit right back. And harder.

* * *

The Lord of the Dead stared at the giant chessboard in the centre of the throne-room, his mind racing under the flames.

'Ok, so the 'scare the babe' ruse flamed out. The feet in face look the two shlubs support means she can fight back, so forget about sending in Memnon. What to do about the Seph-wife conundrum?'

This required some tactical thinking. And somehow he knew that would take some time.

He started to pace irritably around the throne-room, waiting for the thwap of inspiration to hit along with the subsequent headache.

Ask her nicely? Oh please.

Ask Demeter? Self-castration would probably be less painful.

Drug and grab? Nope. Even he considered some things below him.

Sweep her off her feet with a heartfelt proposal under a setting sun? Eeeewwww. Too cheesy.

Bribery? Tempting.

Charm? Tried that.

Grab, seduce and _then_ bribe? Nah. He wasn't about to steal _Zeus's_ seduction techniques.

Inspiration didn't exactly hit the grey and blue god. It tapped lightly instead.

Not much in the way of style, but hey! It would work.

Sort of.

* * *

Persephone felt a lot better after the two-on-one with the chimeras. It had been _way_ too long since she'd punched something that hard. They made quite a good sound as well.

In the shadows of Mount Etna, she settled back against one of the less slimy boulders surrounding her favourite lake and started un-bandaging her hands. They would be sore as hell in the morning unless she got some water on them fast. Demeter wouldn't be too pleased, but as far as her mom was concerned, she could go take a running jump. Apparently good little goddesses didn't know how to fight.

The feeling of being watched was even stronger now than it had been for the past few weeks. Unfortunately she still wasn't sure how to take the attention. On one hand, at least they hadn't done anything stupid, and they were keeping their distance.

Plus in a weird way, it was kinda…flattering.

On the other hand, it was starting to freak her out just a little. And not a lot freaked her out.

She knew if she said anything to her mother, she'd be banned from leaving Olympus, and that wasn't worth giving up her freedom for.

For the time being, she ignored the feeling and returned to fixing her hands up, blissfully unaware that she was going to spend the next few months _really_ rather regretting that decision.

* * *

Chariot, check.

Furies, check.

Enchanted rope, check.

Goddess of dreams, check.

Eau du Sulphur, checkmate.

Now he just had to bring them all together.

* * *

This wasn't exactly how she'd intended to spend today. The plans did _not_ include getting knocked out and abducted from a nice cool lake by someone or something that she still couldn't see.

The goddess of rebirth wriggled her hands experimentally.

Nada. Rats.

Whoever had cursed the ropes was pretty impressive. In a sick, twisted masochistic kinda way.

Plus the smell of Eau du Sulphur was really starting to kick at her nose.

_Sulphur_?

/Aww no. No. No way. Not happening. Not possible./

She managed to turn round with a certain amount of difficulty and finally got a good look at the driver of the chariot.

* * *

Hades: one - Olympus: nil.

At least he'd had the foresight to knock her out before he tried tying her up. He didn't really enjoy the possibility of having to retrieve his ears from the inside of his head.

A sharp kick at the bottom of his robes forced him to halt his train of thought and turn round. He didn't bother stopping the chariot. The faster he and Seph got underground, the better.

Well. Better for him at least.

He flashed a grin at his prone captive. 'So, you're awake then babe?'

Only Persephone could still look edible despite the glare of bloodlust and pure rage. 'No, I'm still unconscious. The goddess lying before you is just a figment of your warped imagination and **WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING**?'

Hades looked relatively nonplussed. 'Abducting you. What does it look like?'

She kept glaring. 'I sorta figured that. One teensy weensy little question; **WHY**?'

The Lord of the Dead guided the chariot down to one of the entrances of the Underworld.

'Let's put it this way; Underworld. Dark, dank, lotta dead people. Not a lot of intelligent undead company. You; goddess - immortal, smart and female. A god like me needs a little…female company.'

'Female company…how?' /I'm not sure I wanna know the answer to this…/

'Relax babe.' He shot her another quick grin.

'You and I get spliced. How's that grab ya?'

/Yeah. I was right. I didn't wanna know./

She pretended to think, while simultaneously fighting the urge to rip Hades's head off his shoulders, remove his eyeballs, tear off his ears and dump the remains in the Aegean. 'On the whole…I'd rather arm-wrestle a nursing manticore. That about cover it?'

Hades repressed the odd feeling in his chest at those words as he parked the chariot, picked up his furious bride-to-be under one smoky arm and carried her into the palace.

He later worked out it was hurt.

* * *

TBC

* * *

Hades: Now _that_ was just cruel.

Melora: I'm warning you…R-rated fic…

Hades: Sheez. Like eternity in the Underworld's not cruel enough?

Melora: Oh and I love you too.


	5. Chapter 5: Respect from a weird corner

A/N: This has to be the fastest time I ever got reviewed. I'm blushing at this end. Really.

* * *

**VMorticia**: I know full well how you take most of my lines. What can I say? I love innuendoes just as much as I love terrorising Pain and Panic. And that's a lot. And trust me, I will keep tormenting Hades. It's one of my sick little hobbies.

**Crimson Fuchsia**: I will happily accept the offer of sharing a choccy stash.

**Solitareone**: I based Persephone's character off of Megara - I've seen the movie _way_ too many times. The impersonation of Hades is coming on pretty well.

* * *

Hades: What impersonation?

Melora: Think of an immortal insurance salesman, add extra sarcasm and a few flames, and voila.

Hades: I though that was you acting normally.

Melora: Why do I bother with you?

Hades: You need me to waste some space before the disclaimer.

* * *

Disclaimer: You think I _wanna_ own him and the others for the rest of eternity? No. So don't even bother with the lawyers.

/.../ denotes thoughts

* * *

**I Won't Say It: Part 5**

* * *

Hera and Aphrodite could actually feel their hearts breaking at the sight of Demeter's fear and helplessness.

'Have you tried her room?'

The goddess of the plants sobbed into a vine-embossed handkerchief.

'She isn't there, and I've already tried all her other hiding places…'

When Demeter did the overprotective mother thing, she did the overprotective mother thing with all the trimmings. Her little treasure had left for her favourite spring that morning, and no one had seen a single trace of Persephone since.

She would never stay away from Olympus this long, not even when she was in one of her more unpleasant moods.

Something had happened to her baby, she just knew it.

Bacchus, Artemis and Hermes were out combing the land around the home of the gods, but for once they shared Demeter's concern. Even if the goddess of rebirth was pulling a huge sulk, she would have returned to Olympus long ago. Apollo and Morpheus were searching the skies and Poseidon was searching the seas while Ares and Athena covered the cities.

None of them ever thought to check in with the land of the dead.

Which, in the past few days, had livened up quite considerably…

* * *

'And what in the name of Zeus would make you think I'd even _want_ to marry you?'

The volume in the throne-room of the Underworld had long since reached triple decibel level. And damn, but Persephone could shout. It might just be her tenuous connection to Gaia, but genetics were funny things.

'My ribald good looks and charm?'

At that precise moment in time, Hades wasn't particularly bothered about what the goddess wanted. _He_ wanted _her_. He got her. End of epic.

The epic just hadn't factored the _teeny_ tiny possibility that the future Queen of the Dead might _not_ be all that thrilled about her husband-to-be.

Or her kingdom-to-be for that matter.

'Don't even tempt me, Hades! I'm not marrying you and I'm leaving here so fast, my sandals won't have time to hit the brimstone. And don't call me babe.' Persephone could feel her blood pressure going through the roof.

'Cute. Really. But forget it _babe_, you are going _nowhere_.' He smirked in triumph and tried not to drool like a starving man confronted with a pitta.

'Just watch me, Flame Boy.'

* * *

History should note this was the only time in his immortal life that Hades did not explode at the 'Flame Boy' comment. Not even a light smoulder.

* * *

She smirked at her would-be captor and snapped her fingers. All natural laws in her favour, she would disappear from Bones 'R' Us, and reappear instantly right next to her mom on Olympus.

The natural laws appeared to be on a coffee break. Nothing happened. She snapped again.

Still the Underworld.

Still Hades's palace.

Still the throne-room.

Still one annoying pain-in-the-gluteus Lord of the Dead smirking at her from the safety of his marble throne.

'Ok, what's going on? Why haven't you gone bye-bye yet?'

'You think I'd let you go that easily? Get real babe. Told ya already, you are going nowhere unless I let you. And that ain't gonna happen for a looooong time.' Hades flicked a smoky digit, conjuring up two champagne flutes on an onyx tray.

His free arm turned into smoking tendrils, picking Persephone up and depositing her straight into his lap.

'So, wanna drink to a happy union babe?'

He was wearing an irritating, triumphal smirk she just wanted to hit.

Which she did.

'Forget it! There is _no way_ in all the nine hells I am marrying you and that's final!'

* * *

/Someone must really like the black skull motif./

She flopped onto the bed and stared up at the ceiling, not caring if her wedding dress got crushed. She would say this for her new…husband. At least he had some style when it came to ceremonies. One little altar, and a lot of what _she_ identified as half-smouldering candles and _he_ probably termed as 'mood lighting'.

Not like her…

Oh crap.

_Mother_.

Demeter was already a walking bundle of nerves when it came to her little Sephy's welfare. Once she found out her baby was married, she would flip.

Once she found out it was _Hades_…

To put it mildly, this wouldn't be pretty.

* * *

The said Lord of the Dead was in a revoltingly good mood. One wife, albeit one deeply pissed off wife with violent tendencies. She had calmed down a little after a few days. Plenty of time to accept her fate.

Admittedly it had taken Pain and Pain seven tries to prise her off the pillars and he himself would be nursing a bandaged hand for the next week.

Hey, it was the only way she would say yes once it got to the vows. But jeez, the girl could bite.

After that, he had opted for his own personal safety to skip the 'kiss-the-bride' part.

He cast a quick look at his irritated new wife. He was still of the unshakeable opinion that if he was mortal, he'd be flat-lined right about now. Fully decked out in her wedding robes, Persephone was beyond beautiful. Even the pout and the look of murder in her eyes didn't mar her looks. Instead they added to the overall image. And it was one hell of an image.

* * *

If looks could kill, Persephone's eyes would be boring holes through Hades's back right now.

She was going to kill him.

She was going to kill him very painfully and very slowly.

Unfortunately, there was still the little matter of…well…the honeymoon stuff…and…

She screwed up her face in utter disgust at what exactly the honeymoon and her wifely duties would imply.

/Eeeewwww… conjugal rights and Hades should never _ever_ be mentioned in the same sentence./

She was thankfully jolted of her train of thoughts before something gross happened in her head.

Now this was weird.

Instead of demanding said rights, Hades was dragging a pillow and blanket off the bed and throwing them out through the door. 'You want any more pillows, there's a few in the wardrobe.'

She blinked in confusion. 'What are you doing?'

He shot a little look at her. 'Sleeping in the throne-room. You want a diagram?'

'Um, why?'

For once in his immortality, Hades seemed almost uncomfortable. 'You ain't in the mood, I ain't gonna force ya. I'm a lotta things babe, but…sheez…I'm not like that.'

With that, he started dragging his makeshift bed through to the throne-room.

Wow. This was warped to say the least. Hades _not _acting like a jerk.

That was a new concept. One that was…it was actually kind of nice.

/Whoa. Don't go there. Ok, comeback retort, c'mon, _c'mon_…/

'Whatever. Just. Don't. Call. Me. BABE!!' With that, the newly crowned Queen of the Underworld slammed the door, stewing in anger and a healthy dose of guilt.

* * *

Further down the hall, Hades smirked widely.

/Post the Nemmy c/o Lord of the Dead. Sheez, I almost _believed_ that schmoozy stuff./

'And we're back in the game baby!!'

* * *

TBC

* * *

Hades: Don't talk. I'm thinking.

Melora: Can we get a witness for this? And call me warped but…what are you thinking about?

Hades: Your next birthday present and whether straightjackets come in pre-washed denim.


	6. Chapter 6: Dignity? Fat chance

A/N: My mother read this. Eeep. Ah well, at least she likes it!

* * *

**VMorticia**: Trust me, Pain and Panic will get hurt soon. And you're supposed to stick up for _me_, not Hades!

**Crimson Fuchsia**: All I can say is…I _really_ didn't need that mental image. But thanks for sticking up for me - you'd think he'd be pleased I'm making him act less like a jerk, but noooo…ungrateful immortals.

* * *

Hades: Ok, I resent this. I'm acting all…yeesh…_noble_.

Melora: And that's a bad thing because…?

Hades: I do not _do_ noble and you know it.

Melora: Just like you don't do charming, suave, vacant, courageous, or the disclaimer?

Hades: Got it in one babe.

* * *

Disclaimer: Since _someone_ won't do it for me… I only own Seph, I don't own Disney's Hercules, never will either. So don't sue.

/.../ denotes thoughts

* * *

**I Won't Say It: Part 6**

* * *

'You're waking him.'

Pain was stupid, but he wasn't that stupid. 'Nuh-uh. You're doing it.'

'You!'

'No, you!'

'You!'

The argument got broken up fairly abruptly as the two imps decided to impact very painfully against the doors of the throne-room.

'Much as I appreciate my own personal Imp-Alarm, it's too damn early to be up!'

The sandal-shaped pains in their rears told them the Queen of the Dead was awake and pissed off.

Persephone flung the doors of the throne-room open and glared back at her two laughably named minions. Her irritation flared up further on seeing the pile of blankets, pillows and smoke tendrils that comprised her husband; still enviably, oblivious to the world.

Well, Underworld, anyway.

'And _why_ isn't _he_ up?'

Pain rubbed his bruised butt and looked up nervously at the goddess of rebirth. 'He uh, sleeps through a lotta stuff unless he gets caffeine first thing.'

'Caffeine, hmm?' A fairly malicious little plan started forming in the goddess's mind.

'Panic, cup of java for Smokey the God here, and make sure it's hot. Pain, you're running takeout. I'm not eating any of the crap down here, mostly because I'm not that stupid.'

'Yes, Your Vengefulness…ness.'

At least a kick in the rear was less painful than a pan-frying from Hades.

The two imps scampered off, glad to get away from their Queen's temper.

* * *

Persephone sighed as she watched the Clod-Patrol depart. At least they could go to the surface whenever they wanted. She got stuck down here; cold, dark, nasty, insert noun here…with Hades. Now that really was eternal punishment.

And she was really starting to miss her mother's daily hissy fits, normally along the lines of eating properly, her clothes, her attitude…

Weird. She'd never thought she would actually _miss_ all that.

Her thoughts turned back to her husband. She leant against the giant chessboard and idly watched him doze.

She had no idea how on Gaia he was actually comfortable on that thing. Sleeping on a firm mattress was in theory meant to be good for you, but somehow freezing marble wasn't going to be kind to anyone's back.

A small flicker of guilt appeared in her head. The gods and even Greece itself weren't particularly renowned for equality of the sexes. Hades, as per his marital rights, could have easily overpowered her last night and done exactly as he wanted with her. Her consent wouldn't have come into it.

Except he hadn't.

He _could've_ done, but he _hadn't_.

Persephone still wasn't entirely sure how to take that kind of treatment. But her instincts were telling her that so far, she shouldn't whinge. Things could be far worse.

She banished the flicker of guilt and studied Hades's back.

He seemed…almost smaller when he was asleep, as if he was younger than he really was. All things considered, he was only a few hundred years older than her, but all the fast talk and slick cynicism somehow made him seem older.

When he was awake, at least.

A small grunt emerged from the heap of blankets as Hades rolled over, drool coating half his face, and one thumb stuck firmly in his mouth.

She turned away and repressed a snigger.

The merciless, vengeful, heartless Lord of the Dead still sucked his thumb when he was asleep.

Blackmail material at its finest.

Combined with the drool, the navy bed-robes and the little matching nightcap covering the flames on his head, Hades looked…actually kind of sweet.

/Ok, where did _that_ come from?/

The smell of coffee wafted down the hall as Panic flew up to the throne-room, a boiling mug clutched in his terrified green hands.

She grabbed the mug from the imp and raised a derisive eyebrow at the imprinting on the side.

''Kiss me, I'm necrotic'?'

Panic decided not to comment. It sounded like one of those rhetorical questions.

She shrugged and turned back to her sleeping partner. He rolled over and mumbled something incoherent before returning to the land of Morpheus.

Albeit a very short return before some sort of boiling fluid rained over his head.

* * *

'YEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWW!'

Hades bolted upright, trying to work out a) where he was, b) what the hell had just happened and c) which one of the little yutzes would be having an up-close and personal meeting with Tartarus once he got hold of them.

Ok.  
Imps nowhere to be found.  
New development.

'Aww, I'm sorry honey. I simply don't know _how_ I managed to spill half your coffee over you from _this_ distance.'

Ah. His blushing, obedient, loving wife and Queen.

Oy.

It was still a shock to his system every time he looked at Persephone. In a plain black robe with her hair loose, a smirk of triumph covering her features, she was the epitome of revenge and gorgeousness. Beautiful, incorrigible, vengeful and a lot of other words he couldn't be bothered listing.

'So do I get woken up like this every morning?'

'If that didn't work I was gonna set Cerberus on you, so just be grateful.'

The deadpan look returned. 'Romantic as always babe.'

A little warped nitchkin of a though occurred to Hades as he took in the sight of his wife.

Alone.

No imps.

Hmmm…

'Where's Team Useless?'

'Panic's hiding in the linen cupboard and Pain's getting me a takeout.'

She recognised the look on Hades's face. 'Why?'

'Well…sleeping in here gets kinda lonely, _especially_ on your wedding night…wanna get close and make up for some lost time?'

He assumed what he believed was a seductive expression and leered up at Persephone.

The rest of his coffee landed straight in his face.

Women.

Sheez.

* * *

Poseidon, Ares and Athena had all returned the previous evening. There was no sign of Persephone anywhere. Apollo and Morpheus were still searching the skies, but with every hour, their hopes of finding the goddess of rebirth grew fainter and fainter.

Bacchus and Hermes still refused to give up. Persephone was special to both of them, and neither was prepared to lose her. Bacchus, naturally because he was her father, and because no matter how old she got, his Seph was still his 'lil' baby girl'.

Hermes…still wasn't entirely sure of his feelings towards the goddess of rebirth, but all he knew for certain was that they were strong, and certainly stronger than just friendship.

But until they found her, he was stuck with the panicking and searching bit, neither of which came naturally to him.

* * *

The nervous tension in the Olympian throne-room could be cut with a scythe. The disappearance of one of the gods, particularly a young virgin goddess, was a cause for immediate alarm. While Athena, Artemis and Hestia could all take excellent care of themselves, Persephone was still an unknown quantity.

Demeter's less than subtle insistence that her little baby was still naïve in the ways of the world hadn't particularly helped with this perception.

'Well, the Hindu deities have been alerted, the Egyptian gods are combing the desert right now, and Odin has promised to look for her, but other than that, I'm afraid we can't do anything else except wait.'

Zeus rested a hand on Demeter's shoulder, feeling overwhelming sympathy for the goddess of the plants.

He knew what it was like to lose a child. The loss of Hercules to the mortal world still haunted him even now.

'Wrong.'

Demeter had long since passed the crying stage and had moved on to defiant hope.

She stood up and squared her shoulders. Her baby was missing and she wasn't about to sit here and not do something about it.

'I'm going to look for her myself.'

'Demeter…' Hera reached out for her dearest friend.

'Don't try to stop me Hera, Zeus. My little girl's missing and I'm not going to sit around and wait for the others to find her. I'll look for her myself.'

Before anyone could stop her, she had disappeared, reappearing instantly at the foot of Olympus.

The first thing to do would be to look around the spring on Sicily that her baby loved so much, then to search the hills around Etna and Olympus. This would take time away from tending the plants and seasons, but the mortals would surely understand. Persephone took precedence over everything.

She was prepared to wander the Earth to find her daughter and no one, mortal or immortal, was about to stop her.

Demeter didn't want to think about what could be happening to Persephone right now. She could almost see her daughter's face screwed up in pain and fear…

* * *

Ewww.

And again, ewww.

She couldn't fault him for asking though. But unfortunately for Hades, Persephone's answer still remained no.

Well, more accurately, it remained, 'No, and I'll say this right now: _any_ part of _you_ that touches _me_, _you're_ not getting back.'

And that was _after_ the coffee.

At least Hades was now busy with the day-to-day business in the Underworld. For the time being, she refused to do any work that required her to work alongside him.

Unfortunately this meant sticking to her room and sulking. Which got boring fairly fast.

Since she couldn't fall back on shopping, she opted to investigate the wardrobe; just in case there were any fashion horrors lurking in there that she could laugh at.

* * *

Black, black and more black with the occasional hint of navy or grey.

And the skull motif. Hades really seemed to like the skull motif.

The one thing she had noticed was the style of clothing – all variants along a toga and under-robe.

It wasn't exactly chilly in the Underworld, so that pretty much ruled out the need for thermals. This naturally made her more than slightly curious as to why exactly he covered himself up so much.

Persephone was aware that somewhere underneath all the smoke and robes, Hades did have a body, and gods knows it had to be in better shape than most of the other deities on Olympus. Her parents were perfect examples of the belief that round could be a body shape.

Maybe he was just modest about it.

She blinked and shook her head, attempting to shift the vague image of what exactly lurked under the penultimate layer of Hades's wardrobe from her head.

Now for _her_ wardrobe. Persephone braced herself for whatever lurked inside.

* * *

She spent the next half hour mentally kicking herself after she'd seen the first dress.

They were all completely beautiful. Still a lot of emphasis on the black skull motif, but _damn_, these almost made up for perpetual imprisonment.

/_Almost_, Seph, _almost_…/

The one dress she kept coming back to was one of the few that wasn't black. It was dark blue, with a navy sash and silver accessories. The style alone showed it would be fairly close-fitting – her normal style of dress. And not a bone in sight.

Clearly these were the royal threads.

To wear or not to wear, that was the question.

And she knew what the answer was for now.

Unfortunately.

* * *

TBC

* * *

Hades: Look, I know ya got standards to keep up and everything, but that was just muse torture.

Melora: HA! You admitted you're one of my muses!

Hades: Damn, she got me.


	7. Chapter 7: The Tears of Rebirth

A/N: A chapter per day keeps my muses annoyed. Or something like that.

* * *

**VMorticia**: Yes, it did have to be coffee. I'm feeling malicious. At least Hades is regretting not doing the disclaimer…I love this job.

**Crimson Fuchsia**: Believe me, he was most definitely terrified after that little image. So was I! I thought the snoozy image was sweet myself. Taken from the episode, 'Hercules and the Drama Festival' - when Hades gets knocked out by the Cronus Stone, he starts sucking his thumb. Quite cute really.

**Solitareone**: Hades-torture is fun! Keeps me from antisocial habits at any rate!

* * *

Hades: Must kill the imps, must kill the imps…

Melora: Aww, is someone a wickle bit upset? Does someone not like everyone knowing his ickle secret?

Hades: Do you live to embarrass me or something?

Melora: Yes.

Hades: Damn.

* * *

Disclaimer: I own nothing except Seph. Luckily.

/.../ denotes thoughts

* * *

**I Won't Say It: Part 7**

* * *

This was not happening.

This was soooo not happening.

Delusion caused by second degree coffee scalding, had to be.

'PAIN! PANIC!'

If anything had gone wrong with this thing, the two soon-to-be ex-minions had to be responsible.

The sounds of two imps colliding behind him made him turn around.

Pain beamed as much as he could feasibly manage.

'Present and accounted, Your Most Irritablene…ACKKK!'

Hades neatly picked them up by their necks and held them in front of the soul tally. 'You two. Explain. NOW!'

The two imps stared at the tally.

And stared.

And stared.

And…you get the idea.

Panic finally dared to speak up. 'Um…what are we supposed to be looking at?'

To his credit, Hades refrained from toasting them. Instead he used the baby voice that could put the fear of the gods into them.

'We'll go through this slowly, 'kay? Big dials show all the souls in the Underworld. Big numbers on dials go up as new stiffs come in. So, and indulge me, do try to give me a good excuse here…'

The baby voice exited stage left. 'WHY IN THE NAME OF ZEUS ARE THE DIALS GOING BACKWARDS?!'

'Um…the clock's busted?' Pain cringed.

The two minions got fired perhaps a little too literally as the Lord of the Dead exploded.

'My business is dead people. Dead souls go in; they do _not_ go back out. Capiche? If dead souls are getting back out, then my business is, y'know, _dead_, people! So start explaining how this is happening or I'm gonna…'

'Have you _ever_ considered reducing your cholesterol?' Persephone had wandered up to the throne-room at the sound of the explosion.

Aside from the fact that none of the other gods detonated on a regular basis, she just liked seeing Hades getting riled. At least the past month hadn't been boring with him around.

'And that's supposed to get this thing fixed how?' One of his partner's more irritating features was being able to humiliate him at any given moment. Like right now.

'Ooh, what'cha break?' The goddess of rebirth stared up at the dials.

'Looks ok to me. So what's wrong with it?'

'Dials going backwards. Souls getting out. Minions therefore getting roasted.' He reluctantly turned his stare back to the cowering Pain and Panic.

She gave him a derisive look.

'Hades, souls who I've interviewed and approved are free to leave for their new bodies. You've never heard of re-incarnation?'

It took a few minutes for this to sink through the flames.

'Right. Fine. Great. Superb. Wonderful…WHAT?'

Hades's hair flared into a full mane of flames. Persephone didn't even flinch.

'I'm the goddess of rebirth. Re-incarnation is part of what I do. I thought you knew that?'

She was really loving the expression on Hades's face. A portrait of utter and total disbelief.

His left eye was starting to twitch. 'You. Are rebirthing souls. AND YOU DIDN'T CARE TO MENTION THIS?'

'Oh lighten up Flame Boy. It's my job. Better than sitting round moping at any rate. And relax, it's not like I'm letting any of the stupid ones out. Psychological examinations before any kind of application for rebirth. Keeps the nutjobs out.'

She strode out of the throne-room before a pre-atomic explosion could occur and headed back to her study. Sometimes there really were perks in being a Queen.

And although she would never admit it, she was actually impressed that Hades had had the gall to stand up to her.

* * *

Nothing. Not even a newborn shoot.

This still seemed to feel like some awful dream. If she hadn't been a goddess, Demeter would have sworn the gods were playing some sort of cruel trick on her.

All of the gods except Hermes had returned to Olympus to wait for any shred of news. Even Bacchus had abandoned the search, albeit with great reluctance. The messenger of the gods had refused to give up and instead was searching where she could not.

She wasn't oblivious to Hermes's feelings towards her daughter. The winged god had been obsessed with Persephone ever since she had returned to Olympus, and she had appeared to return his feelings, at least in part.

Well, once she found her little cherub, she was going to make sure the two of them were married.

At least Hermes was good enough for her baby. Unlike several other gods she could think of.

/But none of this will happen unless I find her and bring her back. And that won't happen until I move on./

A blue speck appeared on the horizon, speeding towards her. Hermes. She could tell what the news was even before he reached her.

Nothing.

She resigned herself to the painful realisation that Persephone was nowhere within Greece or Sicily.

Maybe…

Maybe Troy. She could be over there. She had always loved fighting. No one knew where she'd gotten that facet of her personality from. It certainly wasn't either of her parents.

* * *

Re-incarnation.

Great.

Just. Flaming. Great.

No one had ever mentioned the slight downside of married life. Mainly the fact Persephone could be obnoxious, stubborn and refused to do anything he said.

But deep down, he was impressed. She was the only being who didn't seem to be scared of him whatsoever. Why she wasn't afraid just confused the living flames out of him.

The recently named Queen's study was empty. Elimination was now down to the bedroom, throne-room or outside the palace.

* * *

Persephone finished drying her eyes and stared up at the craggy ceiling of the Underworld through the giant window of the throne-room. After a month of swearing she wasn't about to let the depression get to her outside of her bedroom or study, her willpower finally gave out this evening.

Or morning. She couldn't tell underground.

What depressed her the most about this place was not being able to see the stars. Back on Olympus, she had always gone to sleep after watching Morpheus set the stars in the night sky. Her mother would always stay up with her as well, telling her stories of all the demi-gods and monsters that had been honoured for eternity by being placed in the night sky…

/Don't go there. You'll only start crying again…/

She didn't turn around at the sound of Hades approaching her. He still tried to keep her in sight at all times.

* * *

Oy.

Again with the waterworks.

This happened almost every night. She didn't seem to get that it didn't make him feel much better with the situation any more than she did. And one of the things he'd worked out pretty fast was that getting her mad was one thing. Making her cry was another.

Hades sat a short distance away from her and watched her gaze out over the Styx from her perch on the window-seat. She looked so damnably beautiful it wasn't true.

He waited for his brain to kick in and supply the usual pithy comment.

It didn't happen. Every possible fire-starter died in relative infancy as she looked at him, tears still in her eyes.

'Why are you doing this to me?'

What was strange was that she wasn't demanding an answer off him. She simply asked.

He felt a weird need to be honest with her. 'Like I told ya. I wanted some company down here.'

'How? By taking me away from everything? You take me away from my home, my life, my friends, my parents and I'm supposed to be _happy_ about it?'

'Hey. You think I _like_ seeing you like this, babe?' The Lord of the Dead shifted to sit next to his wife. She kept gazing at him with those big dark eyes.

'You know how I feel about ya.'

Persephone swallowed past the lump in her throat and tried to hold back the tears. 'And if you do feel that way about me, then you'd let me go back home.'

'The upshot of that little scheme would mean no company for me. And a lonely God of the Dead is not a god you'd like.'

/Jeez, did I just _say_ that?/

'Please. Let me leave.'

The tears welled up and over. 'Please…'

Without thinking, she buried her face against Hades's robes and let her tears fall.

Her voice was muffled, but every word cut through him like one big knife. 'I want to be back on Olympus. I want to annoy Hermes. I want to see the stars in the sky. I want the other gods around me…I want my mom…'

* * *

Hades tentatively wrapped his arms around her and pulled her closer to him, resting his cheek on the top of her head and closing his eyes as she sobbed into his chest.

The one thing he hated, even more than being stuck in the Underworld, was guilt. It was digging into his heart right now as he listened to Persephone cry.

Wait…the stars…

/'Kay, having thought. Good… Now having plan…Still good.../

Reluctantly prising one arm away from his wife, he aimed a grey digit at the ceiling of the caves. A wave of silver rushed over them before the blackened brimstone transformed into midnight blue, with tiny silver pinpricks randomly scattered over its rough surface.

/Result./

He looked back down at his wife and touched her shoulder.

'Before ya completely soak this thing, try looking outside babe.'

She sniffled and looked outside, her tears fading immediately as she stared upwards. A small smile of wonder appeared on her face, turning into rapid concentration as she started examining all the tiny dots.

All the stars…This was one impressive distraction.

But not so impressive that she didn't feel Hades's soft kiss on her cheek.

* * *

TBC

* * *

Hades: Since when do I do sap?

Melora: Since…round about now.

Hades: Urrgh.


	8. Chapter 8: Mineral God

A/N: The Lord of the Dead has now decided that trying to threaten me maybe isn't the smartest way to keep me away from writing mushy stuff. Muse torture. Gotta love it.

* * *

**VMorticia**: Hades was expecting perhaps a few rebirths here and there, but he did sort of expect to be told. And relax, the mushy scene did wind him up, but since when am I ever nice to him?

**Crimson Fuchsia**: Even I was a bit teary-eyed after writing that, but somehow it seemed to work. Got the enchanted ceiling idea from Harry Potter - therefore it's VMorticia's fault. And as for the image…might not scare some of the really sicko writers. Can't think of any right now, but they'd probably like it.

**Silverscreen**: I'm trying to stick to the original legend, but I'm twiddling stuff round a bit. But glad you like!

* * *

Hades: Indulge me. Why am I acting nice again?

Melora: Because I'm trying to go with an analysis that you have a repressive emotional complex brought about from isolation and insecurity.

Hades: And in _English_?

Melora: You don't like showing Seph that you love her 'cos you're alone and scared she doesn't feel the same way.

Hades: I think I preferred the egghead speak.

* * *

Disclaimer: I'm a broke graduate. I only own Seph's character (sort of), so don't sue.

/.../ denotes thoughts

* * *

**I Won't Say It: Part 8**

* * *

Junk.

Junk.

Toga.

More junk.

Pile of back copies of _HELLE_.

More junk.

Something green and unidentifiable…and more junk.

If a mortal's closet can comprise at least 16 years worth of junk; most of which has great sentimental value such as collectable cards, old shirts, notes about PTA meetings three years too late; an immortal's closet has to comprise at least eight times the volume and ten times the lethality of normal junk.

Persephone was no exception to the rule.

However, the oft-dreaded closet cleanup at this point was welcomed, mostly since she was trying to ignore the annoying little voice in her head which had taken root last night after Hades had left the throne-room.

/Gotta hand it to him hun, the stars…and that little kiss…very romantic, no?/

'Oh please. If he thinks he can win me over with the third-rate enchanted ceiling number, then he's lower than I thought possible.'

A sandal box went flying as if to punctuate her point.

/Yeah. Except it wasn't third-rate, was it? He couldn't let you go, but he gave you something you wanted more than anything at that point, and he didn't want anything in return. I think someone's going soft'n'squishy for a certain blue and grey god, hmm?/

She shook her head, trying and failing to ignore the voice. 'The day I ever feel anything except disgust for Hades is the day something drastic happens.'

/Uh-huh. Based on that, and ignoring a few other choice ponderings you've had about him…I give ya two weeks tops. C'mon, three little words…/

'Three little words I'm never gonna say, so you can just belt up.'

'Since when did you have dual personalities, babe?'

'WAAAH!!' Persephone bolted upright, whacking her head on the door and dislodging something at the back of the closet. She caught it fast before it could create another bump.

'Don't _do_ that! And what are you doing _there_ anyway?'

Hades shrugged and smirked, but didn't move from the doorframe. 'What can I say? I'm kinda enjoying the view.'

Persephone didn't even bother asking. She settled for rolling her eyes in disgust instead and looked down at the object she'd caught.

Ok, _this_ was new.

Not to mention funny.

She tried not to snigger. 'And what d'you call this then?'

The goddess of rebirth effortlessly lifted the staff to its full height. Fashioned from pure silver, it was about six feet tall and encrusted with various gems; diamonds, rubies, the works. The silver skull placed on its head gave a pretty firm indication of who the owner was.

It was impressive.

'A sceptre of authority? How long have you had this thing?'

The look on Hades's face could've been sold as a Kodak moment. It was only the second time she'd ever seen him looking that embarrassed.

At least until he saw the tourniquet job someone had pulled on it.

The embarrassment had passed instantaneously. Now he was just pissed off.

/Explains why the little shlubs never gave it back after it got cleaned. Time for two demon wannabes to get a fist through the…/

His hair exploded into red and orange flares of fire.

'Oh simmer down. I can fix it.' Deciding to spare Pain and Panic for once, she placed her hands over the two halves of the staff and concentrated. With a flash of white light, the silver returned to its untarnished state and fully intact.

Her job done, she threw the staff at Hades, who caught it perfectly.

'Care to explain?'

Embarrassment made a grand reappearance. Somehow, Hades didn't think she would take the explanation too well.

Or seriously.

Oy.

* * *

This wasn't happening. It couldn't be happening. Not to her.

Zeus had managed to find Demeter searching the now-bare and wilting forests of Macedonia and reluctantly broke the news to her.

The Norse, Egyptian, Roman and Asian pantheons had finally reported back that morning. Not a trace, not even a footprint had been found that could have belonged to the missing goddess of rebirth.

If what the other deities had reported to her was true, Persephone had completely vanished from the face of the Earth.

Nowhere. Not in the deserts, or forests. Not in the seas or in the mountains. She simply disappeared without a trace.

Her little baby really had gone.

Demeter let her fear and grief course through her heart and cried.

* * *

Even Hermes's sandals were depressed. It didn't make sense, but…she really had gone.

Nope. No way. Seph was fine, and he was gonna make sure of that.

He hovered above Demeter and thought. Seas, nope. Mountains, pass. Forests, ditto…

Earth.

Underworld.

Hades.

Shouldn't Flame Boy have been out searching as well?

The chances were a million to one. But Hermes always did hit the long shots.

* * *

No way.

Absolutely no way.

Not even possible.

This was beautiful.

Hades, Lord of the Dead and God of the Underworld, one of the most vicious gods under Earth…and he had to do this as a backup gig.

Cosmic justice at its finest.

Trying not to convulse with giggles, Persephone leaned back against her throne and tried to get some air back into her body. Unfortunately, the sight of her husband glaring both at her and the sceptre as if they were some forms of godly plague kept setting her off.

'Right…um…I thought the gig of controlling precious minerals would've gone to someone a little less…y'know…'

'Charming, collected, vengeful?'

'I was gonna go with sociopathic, but you said it.' She managed to control another outburst of sniggering.

Barely.

Hades resumed glaring. 'Don't you have someone to rebirth or something?'

'One of the benefits of my job; I can take a break.'

She shot him a wicked little smile. 'How come you never mentioned this before?'

'Hey, you think I'm _that_ stupid?'

'You _really_ want an answer?'

'Whatever.'

She gazed at the sceptre a little longer. 'I thought the mineral deal was an on-going thing. And how come this place doesn't look ritzier?'

He disappeared in a puff of smoke and reappeared in his own throne. 'One, I got the powers, I just don't use 'em much. Two, you think I'm Zeus or some other show-off little yutz?'

She looked out of the throne-room window, staring at the darkened sky and the glittering stars overhead. 'When did you last use the power then?'

'Last night.'

Off her look, he continued. 'The real stars? Outside my control. Onyx and silver? We're cooking with gas.'

'Oh, too easy.' She looked at the 'stars', then back at her sulking partner.

'Apart from that, when was the last time?'

Hades shrugged. 'Few hundred years ago, give or take a decade.'

'So…you used a power you haven't used for years, which could've screwed up at any time…just for me?'

The nonplussed look surfaced. She knew that meant yes.

* * *

Persephone felt like banging her head against something very hard and very sharp. He had done that just for her, and still didn't expect anything in return.

The little flicker of guilt was now growing into something more akin to a forest fire around her heart.

She had acted so selfishly that she almost couldn't believe it. Hades had done so much for here in the time she had been imprisoned in the Underworld, trying to make it bearable for her, letting her do her duties as needed, treating her like a Queen, trying so hard to make her happy… and all she was doing was whinging and grousing.

Maybe imprisoned wasn't the right word anymore.

She could only think of one thing to say.

'Thank you.'

For good measure, she added a lopsided smile and leant over to give him a kiss on the cheek.

At least, it would've been a kiss on the cheek if Hades hadn't looked round at her at exactly the wrong moment.

* * *

Ok.

This was…interesting.

Hades had actually heard the 'thank you' before he had turned round. Suddenly finding Seph's lips against his wasn't exactly on the agenda for the day, but he wasn't about to complain.

He tried not to smirk, purely out of his desire not to do anything that might shorten the unexpected smoochy-time with his wife, and instead let her lead.

* * *

This was NOT planned.

Persephone was not about to let this happen, not on her immortal life.

She was determined to pull away as soon as Hades's lips met hers.

She was NOT going to linger there for a few minutes.

She was NOT going to find it remarkably pleasurable.

She was NOT going to close her eyes and deepen the kiss.

/Er, _hello_? What are you DOING, woman!?/

She pulled back at that thought, her entire face flushed almost maroon and her heart racing.

And was more than surprised at the disappointment she felt as soon as she had stopped.

Coherent thought had mostly departed at that point, but so had the flames of guilt. So what exactly _that_ was telling her, she was pretty certain.

'Seph?'

She felt a warm, bony hand under her chin, and risked a glance up at Hades. He looked mildly shell-shocked, and more than a touch concerned.

For her.

She stayed still for a second, and let a small smile spread across her face.

Time to deal with that concern.

She looped her arms around his neck and pulled herself into his more-than-welcome embrace.

* * *

In the back of Persephone's mind, the little voice sniggered in triumph. /Man, forget two weeks, try two hours. And three little words Seph, three little words…/

It decided to go for a coffee break as soon as it realised the goddess of rebirth had curled up in Hades's arms and wasn't doing anything to break the embrace.

Neither of the deities would be ending this kiss for quite a while.

* * *

TBC

* * *

Hades: Ok. Try gross…

Melora: Oh, naff off.

Hades: Hadn't finished. Try gross, sickening, revolting…wait wait wait…I'm actually getting some? No strings?

Melora: Duh.

Hades: And immortality finally starts perking up.


	9. Chapter 9: A river and a state of mind

A/N: Well, my own evil little secret's out. Hopeless romantic at heart.

* * *

**VMorticia**: Said pestering revived my obsession with the books. That and your fics. I was being nice to Pain and Panic for once. A momentary lapse on my behalf. Unfortunately for Hades, the god of all precious minerals _is_ his other job. And as for the ending…had to be done sometime. At least it worked out well!

**Crimson Fuchsia**: I decided to back off muse torture for a while. But the rest… Ah, you will have to see…At least Hades is starting to marginally perk up about the fic. Which is a good thing.

**Solitareone**: I love Hermes, but still no contest for Hades. Though the flying sandals are pretty cool…

* * *

Hades: Score one for the Lord of the Dead.

Melora: Did you have to try and break my arm?

Hades: Hey. You started it.

Melora: No fair. You're a god and I'm a slightly unfit writer.

Hades: Hey. Next time, don't challenge a god to an arm-wrestling contest.

* * *

Disclaimer: I own nothing except Seph. That's probably another good thing.

/.../ denotes thoughts

* * *

**I Won't Say It: Part 9**

* * *

The blackened walls of the Underworld seemed to absorb any kind of light, even the auras of the gods.

The messenger of the gods shuddered as he zipped towards Hades's palace, neatly avoiding Cerberus who was drinking out of the Styx again. If Seph was down here, she'd be going nuts. Dark, gloomy, depressing…and that was just Hades.

Still, Zeus would be adding divine intervention to the mix once the goddess's whereabouts were known. A little smiting, and one goddess of rebirth, back on Olympus.

Then…the less groovy part: trying to tell Seph he liked her without getting backhanded. That gal could punch.

Pondering his semi-romantic actions to be, Hermes swooped down to the giant window of the throne-room. No sign of the two minions, no sign of Fire Boy…but the figure in navy robes sitting on the giant window seat, staring aimlessly at the river…

Bingo, babe.

* * *

/This is _not_ happening. This is _soooo_ not happening./

Persephone's denial reflex was working overtime.

She was _meant _to be the cool, calm, collected goddess of rebirth.  
She was _meant_ to be weeping and wailing about her loss of freedom and her imprisonment under the Earth.  
She was _meant_ to bear nothing but hatred and total revulsion of her kidnapper of a husband.

Well, technically. Except for the weeping and wailing part.

She was _not_ meant to be permanently winding up the Lord of the Dead, and beating up Pain and Panic.  
She was _not_ meant to be able to be this close to anyone who was obnoxious, self-serving, egotistical, annoying, irritating…and who cared about her this much.  
Most of all, she was _not_ supposed to have these kinds of feelings for someone like Hades.

Ever.

And that kiss hadn't helped matters.

She had a very nasty suspicion she was possibly, maybe, slightly…

'No. Not happening in a million years.'

The little voice made a grand return. /Please. You could have stopped that kiss and left whenever you wanted. But you didn't, did ya? You went back and did it again./

Persephone rolled her eyes. 'Hello? Wasn't exactly _thinking_ straight? Could that just _maybe_ be a reason?'

/Uh-huh. And you thinking straight is ending up in his arms and sucking face. Face it hun, you. Are falling. For Hades./

'I am not.'

/Quit denying it./

'I _can_ deny it and I damn well _will_ deny it.'

/So…you're saying you _didn't_ feel safe when he held you, you _weren't_ flattered after he risked using dormant powers to stop you crying, and you _did_ retain logical thought when you two ended up in an extended lip-lock. That it?/

'That's _not_ what I'm saying.'

/So what _are_ you saying? That you _don't_ care about Hades?/

'I _do_ care…I guess…but I'm _not_ falling for him…'

/Y'know, _denial_ ain't just a river in Egypt…/

* * *

A very familiar voice snapped her out of her musings in an instant. 'Seph! Babe!'

She looked up and squeaked, eyes almost bugging out of their sockets. 'H-Hermes? Is that you?'

The messenger of the gods swooped through the window and dragged her into a floating embrace. It finally hit her about how much she'd missed her friend. One of the few gods who could get her out of a panicky and/or depressive funk.

'Your mom's going nuts looking for you. She thinks you're dead or something.'

'Quit exaggerating.'

'I'm not. Demeter's been searching the Earth for you, babe-ola. Left Olympus, neglected her duties, the whole enchilada.'

He released the goddess and finally got a look at her robes. Navy kitan, navy sash, silver jewellery and stuff. She had obviously been treated well, and the colour in her cheeks meant she hadn't starved or something uncool.

The big Q still remained; why had Flame Guy swiped Seph in the first place?

Persephone however was stuck on the subject of her mother. 'Mom's ignored the mortals?'

The fear in her voice was obvious. If Demeter hadn't tended to the seasons and plants...

She grabbed the Tartarus Vision remote and clicked on seven. She'd worked out the imp-lock code after one try. 666 was hardly the most original code, but when it was Pain and Panic, anything went.

* * *

Even the mighty Athena couldn't prevent death. People were collapsing in the streets of Athens, some fighting over the little food left, others beseeching the goddess of the plants and seasons. All of them were horrifically thin; little more than living skeletons.

Fireworks sounded from down the hall. The Lord of the Dead was disturbingly happy about something - it didn't take a genius to work out what gotten him fired up.

'Famine ho!'

She instinctively panicked. 'Hermes, you have to leave now. If he sees you here, he'll go ballistic!'

The bright blue god defiantly folded his arms and stood his ground. Well, hovered, but…well, you get the concept. 'Not leaving, doll.'

* * *

Hades practically waltzed into the throne-room. Much as he cared about Seph, her rebirthing practice meant numbers had been a little slow until now. The recent batch of stiffs had been whining about some sort of famine or divine plague or something, but either way, numbers were up and so was his mood.

'Way to recoup the mortals. Famine. Not classy, but hey! Demeter babe, you really screwed up th--'

One goddess of rebirth.

One messenger of the gods.

One of them didn't fit in the picture.

Persephone counted down on her fingers.

'3…2…1…'

And ducked as Hades went off like Mount Etna, with the addition of some choice litany capable of peeling the paint off the Trojan Horse at five hundred yards.

Hermes was singed, but nothing drastic. Since he was out of the palace window before the Lord of the Dead had reached any of the comments about his mother, he ran a quick vote on what to do next.

The motion to tell Demeter was proposed by his brain and seconded with his body and sandals.

Before anyone could stop him, he had vanished in a blur of speed.

He hadn't vanished so fast however that he hadn't seen the silver band on Seph's finger.

/Answers the big Q at any rate./

* * *

'He _what_?' Demeter's mouth hung open. The long shot had hit. Her baby was in the Underworld. With Hades.

Safe yes, but the ring? And the robes?

No. It couldn't be.

It wasn't even possible.

But Hermes had the best eyesight out of all the gods.

If what he had told her was true, her little girl was married to the God of the Dead. The new Queen of the Underworld was her precious baby.

It was too awful to contemplate. Her little sweetheart must have been so scared. Who knew what that hideous excuse for a god had done to her? Torture, threats, maybe even attacked her…

Well, that tore it. As if the attack on Olympus hadn't been bad enough. But to drag her sweet Persephone into a cosmic feud…She felt like exploding.

Tragically, she couldn't do anything to get her daughter out of the land of the dead. She knew that Hades would've made sure that Persephone wouldn't be able to leave of her own accord. The power to free the goddess was outside her control.

It wasn't outside _Zeus_'s power though.

Time to call in a few debts…

* * *

This was unbelievable. The sheer nerve of his baby brother. Kidnapping the goddess of rebirth and forcing her to marry him…It was too much to grasp.

Thunder rumbled across the skies as Zeus listened to Hermes and Demeter relate to him what they had discovered. He had been on the verge of intervention as it was; the state of Greece without Demeter's powers was horrific. Death and decay were ruining the lands, just as grief had been destroying the goddess of the plants.

Hades had gone too far this time. His attempt at taking over Olympus had been nothing less than treason. The abduction of a goddess and forcing her into an unwanted marriage was simply despicable.

Divine intervention and brotherly intervention called.

* * *

'Riiight. Mind telling me how long Twinkle Toes was here?!'

Hades regrettably hadn't cooled off.

Regrettably for Pain and Panic at least - they were the ones who had their employer's fists implanted in their heads.

'About two minutes before you made like Thera and exploded.' Persephone was leaning against the window still looking relatively singed.

'And we all know what that means…'

Pain, perhaps unwisely, spoke up. 'Uuuhhh, we don't.'

* * *

Two piles of ashes later…

The nervous twitch under Hades's left eye was making a spectacular return.

'Fly Boy tells Demeter. Demeter tells Thunder Boy. Big bro intervenes. This leads to complete set of very, VERY vengeful Gods of Olympus versus moi.'

He rubbed his temples and groaned. 'Can this get _any_ worse?'

An ominous roll of thunder echoed across the throne-room.

'HADES!'

'I stand corrected. It gets worse.' The Lord of the Dead reluctantly stood up and braced himself for a thunderbolt across the hiney as soon as he arrived on Olympus.

'Mind the store for me boys, I'm goin' upstairs.'

Persephone stood in front of him before he could leave and looped her arms around his neck. 'And I'm coming with you. No arguments.'

Hades rolled his eyes, but decided not to comment. The two immortals disappeared in a burst of blue flames, ready for the inevitable confrontation at the other end.

* * *

TBC

* * *

Hades: Only one of us is meant to be evil.

Melora: Yeah. Me.

Hades: Oh please. Evil on a _grand_ scale as opposed to just being evil to me.

Melora: And _this_ isn't evil on a grand scale?

Hades: Oy. Mortals. Give 'em a plot and they think they rule.


	10. Chapter 10: For divine intervention, rea...

A/N: I can only say this, a) I'm gonna be taking some MAJOR liberties with the relationships of the gods and b) this means Hades won't like it. But who cares?

* * *

**VMorticia**: No matter how evil and demon-spawned he is, Cerberus is a dog. He does dog things. Like trying to eat Pain and Panic, drooling inanely, and drinking out of the toilet or the Styx. And I'm not exactly surprised you think I'm the more evil one, based on the _tiny_ fact you've known me since we were twelve.

**Crimson Fuchsia**: I'm intense? I like that! And relax, not ending this fic any time soon!

**Silverscreen**: Don't encourage him. I have to put up with him when he gets riled. But very funky site.

**Micer**: Thanks for the info babe!

* * *

Melora: Heh. Always knew ya were a softy.

Hades: Pardon me?

Melora: OK, within reason. Sheesh. I'm the writer and I'm getting intimidated by a guy who overdid the pyromania as a baby…

* * *

Disclaimer: Own Seph and nothing else, thank the lord…

/.../ denotes thoughts

* * *

**I Won't Say It: Part 10**

* * *

The first impression she got was of white.

Then various glowing figures.

Then…oh boy.

Green.

In a big way.

Persephone barely managed to disentangle herself from Hades before she got the air crushed out of her by her mother.

'My _baby_! Oh my little Sephy mommy's been so _worried_ about you what did he do to you if he's hurt you then I'll...'

'Mooooom! Quit it, it's embarrassing!'

The goddess's face was turning a few shades darker than her normal light red, reverting back to type as Demeter turned her wrath on the Lord of the Dead.

'And _you_! _What_ in the name of Olympus did you think you were _doing_?'

Oh great. And now to the disadvantages of marriage.

In-laws.

Particularly if one of them happened to be a very over-protective goddess of the plants.

Time for a little indulgence of the urge to gloat.

'Demeter, babe. Nice work on Greece. Did I even thank you for increasing business productivity?'

This earned Hades a resounding slap across the face. It wasn't hard enough to hurt or even remotely bother him. Only his wife's slaps could ever do that.

'The deaths of those people should be marring your conscience!'

'Question. Why?'

'You stole my baby away from me. I had to ignore my duties to find her. People are dead thanks to you. And you don't even care about how guilty I feel?'

Hades looked relatively nonplussed. 'Ah…nope. Can't say I do.'

'Well, you will be, little brother. You will be.' Zeus intervened in the spat before either side turned violent and addressed his next comment to the assembled throng.

'I must ask all of you to leave, including Persephone. This is between Hades and myself.'

Yay. Verbal sparring take one.

'I'm not leaving.'

Ok, sparring on hold.

Zeus looked taken aback. 'Persephone dear, this…isn't something you really need to hear. You'll be notified of the decision we come to.'

'Sorry, but only my mom and Hades can tell me what to do. And more to the point, it's my life you're discussing. Don't I get a say in it?'

Hades shot her a semi-regretful look. 'Technically, yeah. If Zeus is running the show, not a chance babe.'

'Then I'll wait in the Underworld.'

Demeter opened her mouth.

'No guilt trips and no reproaches. I'm waiting there.'

With that, she vanished.

Sparring off hold.

/Let's get ready to _rumble_…/

* * *

'You abducted the goddess of rebirth from the foot of Olympus, forced her to marry you, caused her mother indescribable grief, made her neglect her duties, thereby causing the death of over half of Greece's population and you have _nothing_ to say?'

Zeus couldn't believe the nerve of his baby brother. He was just sitting there sulking like a two-year-old.

'Hey, I'm a spur of the moment kinda god.'

Hades didn't see the point in trying to fling a comment back. A wall was probably easier to argue with.

Prometheus had been right. Zeus never listened.

'That's all?'

'Ummm…yeah.'

'Well, you should able to say something about this. Persephone will be released and returned to Olympus. Tomorrow.'

The nervous tic reappeared, upstaged by Hades's hair flaring into a cosmic fireball. 'WHAT?'

'No arguments.'

'But…but…she's married to me! Ya can't just split us up! Hera's the protector of marriage; even she can't do this!'

'True enough. I cannot end your marriage, and indeed, you will still be married. She just won't be living with you any more.'

There was some sort of lump building up in Hades's throat which he didn't like whatsoever. It seemed to be directly connected to the prickling feeling behind his eyes and trembling hands.

'Ok, review, babe. Seph, married to me. Marriage, impossible to break. Small print here: I LOVE HER!'

Zeus smiled sympathetically at his raging younger sibling.

'Maybe you _do_ love her. But she doesn't love you. And you really should've thought about all of this beforehand, little brother.'

Hades disappeared in a flash of blue fire. Any longer and…well, he wasn't about to be held responsible for his actions.

* * *

'Nice moves, big Z.'

Hermes zipped up to Zeus's throne as soon as he heard the Lord of the Dead depart.

'Well, it's all for the best. You know how Demeter gets when Persephone's in any kind of danger.'

The messenger god peered over the top of his shades. 'He's not gonna let this go, though.'

'Why else d'you think I didn't mention about the food of the dead? He'd only make her eat something, and then where would we be?'

* * *

The howl of rage told Persephone that Hades was back. And apparently the little chat with Zeus hadn't gone too well either.

She tentatively peered round the door of the throne-room.

Ares would've been proud at the carnage in there. The gigantic chessboard had been burnt to a flaming pile of stones and ash, paintings were burning on every wall, the ceiling had scorch marks on it several meters wide and just about every piece of furniture was either completely destroyed or halfway there. Pain and Panic were both nursing third degree burns and one of Panic's wings was on fire.

In the middle of this stood a column of red and orange flame, recognisable only by the black and grey robes around its middle.

She narrowly dodged a fireball and sprinted towards the column, skidding to a halt just beneath the flames, arms over her head.

'Should I take it something got boo-booed?'

The flames died down as Hades managed to get some form of control over his temper. At least until he looked into Persephone's face.

One of the most perfect beings in the cosmos and she was being taken away from him forever.

He stormed out of the throne-room, ignoring the goddess and the now smouldering Pain and Panic. The only thing he was focussing on was the feeling of his heart getting ripped into pieces and stamped on by all the gods of Olympus.

The goddess of rebirth knelt beside the two imps, apprehension carved into her features. 'W-what happened? Did Zeus make his mind up?'

Panic managed to beat out the flames on his wing. 'He said that…that you're going back to Olympus. Tomorrow. No arguments.'

* * *

It was like a dream. She dazedly made her way up to her throne, putting out the fires as she went.

All she could do was sit.

Zeus had made his mind up.

She would be back on Olympus tomorrow.

She'd be with her parents and her friends again.  
She'd be able to irritate Hermes again.  
She'd be able to see the stars again.  
She'd be able to see the sun and the moon, and see all the life of the Earth again.

All she had ever wanted. A dream come true.

And that was when her heart broke.

/Hades…/

* * *

Not much grew in the Underworld, aside from a collection of weird moulds, piles of Cerberus's little messes and the inevitable collection of laundry.

However, there was one area of the palace where plants flourished. Not exactly normal, but hey, whatever worked.

It wasn't something anyone would ever associate with Hades. Therefore it was exactly where Persephone found him.

He was sitting hunched over on one of the benches with his head in his hands, and a cluster of poplars interspersed with pomegranate trees surrounding him.

She quietly sat down next to him, knowing he wouldn't say much. The orange flames meant he was still furious, but she knew full well that he was hurting.

Badly.

Just as badly as her.

'Guess ya know.' Hades didn't look up.

'Yeah. Panic told me.'

Now he looked up. Persephone flinched as she looked at him. Hades wasn't the type of god to show much emotion, other than various degrees of rage. Hurt and grief weren't a main feature in his emotional dictionary.

And tears definitely weren't in there, period.

She just wanted to cry. She was the only one who could bring him out of this, yet she was the one who had caused him all this pain.

Hades scrubbed at the tear-skids marking his face with the back of his hand and tried to keep his voice from wavering.

'Well, 'least you get out of here. No psycho husband around to annoy you. No pathetic little yutzes or three-headed guard-dogs. No gloom, doom or dead people. Back on Olympus again. Got everything you wanted, I guess.'

She looked at the various plants. 'No. Not everything.'

He raised a disbelieving eyebrow. 'Yeah, right.'

'Olympus doesn't have everything. It doesn't have mortals. It doesn't have Cerberus. It doesn't have Pain and Panic.'

She leant against him and pulled his larger hands into her smaller ones.

'Olympus doesn't have you.'

Confusion immediately replaced mind-numbing hurt, and got replaced in itself by a vague sense of completeness as Persephone wrapped her arms round his neck and kissed him.

Timeless as always.

He had an almost childish hope that if they stayed together like this for long enough, time really would stop and he would never have to lose her.

Reality made an unwelcome visit. Tomorrow, he would lose her forever.

* * *

He never saw Persephone reach behind him and snag a pomegranate from the overhanging tree. If he had, it probably wouldn't have sunken in.

* * *

She knew now what she had to do.

Eternal annoyance in the Underworld was a small price to pay.

Especially when you were in love.

* * *

TBC

* * *

Hades: This is just cruelty to muses.

Melora: I'm trying to develop complex characters here. Muse cruelty is part of that development.

Hades: I thought you were a humanitarian.

Melora: I am. You're just the exception to the rule.

Hades: Great. I end up with the nut job. Lousy karma.


	11. Chapter 11: Six seeds, six months

A/N: I don't write sap _per se_, but at least this seems to be working out!

* * *

**VMorticia**: Hey, he was pissed off. Course he didn't fry them properly. And as for who's eviller out of the two of us…Against you? No contest.

**Crimson Fuchsia**: Relax, my mom thought the Hades rage/grief thing was really sweet as well. Just thought it fitted nicely. The version of the legend I got told about when I was little was that Seph didn't do anything; just sat around, moped and got really really thin. Way too wimpy for my liking. And I don't really like Zeus as it is. After this, I _really_ don't like him.

* * *

Hades: Since when did you decide to do _that_?

Melora: Hey, my fic, my rules.

Hades: Why do I put up with this?

Melora: For the time being, I own you.

Hades: Sheez…

* * *

Disclaimer: Ok, ok, don't own anything except Seph. Huh.

/.../ denotes thoughts

* * *

**I Won't Say It: Part 11**

* * *

She sat and stared at the fruit in her hands.

This seemed almost too easy. Eat the food of the Underworld and see Zeus squirm.

But…

She was starting to have second thoughts.

On the downside, her parents and the rest of the godsquad would be royally pissed; she'd be condemned to a life in the big basement; no sun; no moon, and trying to handle a psychotic dog and two strange excuses for minions.

On the upside…Hades. Egotistical, annoying and a few other minor personality defects, but he was completely devoted, always listened to her and never judged her.

And he loved her.

A quick gesture with a finger and the small fruit split in half. Another gesture and a few seeds from the centre appeared in the palm of her hand.

A quick count…there were six little seeds.

So small, so easy.

One was enough to damn her.

/Is it worth it? Losing your freedom and your home for this?/

'I'm not losing my freedom. And this is my home. Here. With Hades.'

Without another thought, Persephone threw the seeds down her throat.

/Better get used to another face here, Flame Boy. You don't get rid of me that easily./

Damnation tasted pretty good.

* * *

Forget the gods of Olympus jumping on his heart. It felt more like someone had just shoved a pickaxe through his chest and was trying to char-grill the bleeding remains over a large fire.

The tears luckily had vanished since last night, but everything else…

Hades slouched in his throne, with only his morose thoughts and a broken heart for company.

Zeus. The biggest piece of immortal crap this side of Greece was taking away the thing he loved most in the whole universe. Just like he'd been doing ever since they were kids.

At least then it had just been his toy Trojan Horse. He'd gone bawling to Rhea about that. The look on his big brother's face after their mom had yelled at him and confiscated his beginner's thunderbolts almost made up for that little incident.

Now his big brother had taken his wife away.

And it hurt.

A lot.

* * *

There was a new spring in her step as Persephone entered the throne-room. At least this would cheer Hades up.

The Lord of the Dead glanced up at her as she sat back in her throne and draped her legs on the armrest.

'No need to look so depressed, y'know.' He returned to his little cloud of rage.

'If you're gonna be like that then I won't tell you what I did for you.'

He didn't even get the chance to ask before a flash of lightning brightened the room. The King of the Gods was in the house.

'Well Hades? Is Persephone ready yet?'

'Hello? Kinda sitting right here? And yeah, I'm ready.' Gods, he was brainless.

The goddess of rebirth stood and turned towards her sulking husband.

'Aren't you at least gonna say goodbye?'

'No. Nothing _good_ about it.'

/You won't be saying that in a few minutes…/ 'Grow up.'

'Shan't.'

Zeus stepped in and managed to divert a bitching match. 'Much as this is entertaining, I'm afraid we have to be going.'

He smiled sympathetically at his little brother. It would take quite a while, but Hades would soon see that this was all for the best.

One last little detail remained however.

'Before we leave m'dear, you didn't eat any of the food of the dead, did you?'

Hades sighed. 'No. She didn't eat anything.'

/Time to make the Muses proud./ 'Er…yes.'

'**WHAT?!**' The two gods stared at her in total disbelief.

Persephone tried to look worried. 'Was that wrong?'

Hades frowned at her. 'Babe, I _know_ you didn't touch any food here. The phrase 'overdrawn' _mean_ anything to you? Speaking of that…3000 drachmas. Pay up now.'

'You ate the food of the dead?' Zeus ignored his little brother's demand for credit. He was shocked. He'd always thought Persephone was smart, but now…

'This…complicates matters. What exactly did you eat?'

'Six pomegranate seeds.'

/All going according to plan. Yessss!/

Hades was still staring at her in amazement. 'And I wasn't informed because…?'

'Because I only ate them about ten minutes ago.'

She shrugged and graced him with a smile. 'I took the fruit out of the garden last night.'

Zeus looked like someone had died. Down here, that was probably a good thing.

'Each piece of food eaten means one month spent here. Six seeds eaten here would mean six months spent with Hades. I'm very sorry Persephone. I really thought you had more sense.'

She glared at him. 'I have sense, thank you so very much.'

Hades had been temporarily rendered speechless. She had a feeling it might be wise to make sure he was at least capable of rational thought and basic speech before she left.

'Look, I need a private moment, 'kay?'

The thunder god nodded politely at her.

'Ten minutes only, then I'll bring you back up.' He gratefully vanished.

* * *

'Thank the gods he's gone.'

Persephone looked up into Hades's face.

'You gonna be OK down here for six months without me?'

'Since when did your logic go bye-bye, babe?' The blue and grey god was having a hard time grasping the chain of events.

Seph had eaten the food of the dead.  
Willingly.  
She already knew what it would do to her - hence her existence off of takeaway food for the past few months.

She turned an interesting shade of red and reached out for his hands. 'Around you, logic kinda goes on vacation.'

Hades tried and failed to ignore the fact she was being touchy-feely.

'Let's review. You ate the food of the dead and you now get stuck in Bones 'R' Us for six months outta the year. Six months away from your family, six months away from Olympus and six months with a three-headed drool machine, two winged shlubs and a bunch of uninspiring stiffs. Care to explain the attraction?'

'I didn't do it out of some weird masochistic desire if that's what you're thinking.'

Persephone tried not to laugh at his confusion. Hades just looked…sweet whenever he was baffled. It didn't happen a lot.

'So why'd ya do it?' Bafflement still reigned supreme.

There was only one way to do this.

She grabbed a handful of robes and yanked Hades's head down to hers. Bafflement left by the emergency exit as she kissed him, almost strangling the immortality out of him. The same timelessness he had felt last night surrounded him as he tightened one arm around her waist while his free hand stroked her hair.

Nothing else mattered now. Just Persephone and himself.

He needed her by his side.  
He needed her as his Queen.  
He needed her as his companion.  
He needed her as his love.

And now he just needed air.

They reluctantly broke apart, but didn't let go of each other. The second he let go of her would mean she would be gone. And amazing as that little interlude had been, he needed closure.

'Why?'

She leant her head against his chest.

'Because…i-it took a while, but…'

'Yeah?'

She said it quietly, but there was no chance of a mistake.

'…I love you.'

One last embrace, and she was gone. Hades stood alone in the middle of the throne-room, staring at the spot where Persephone had been, smiling as she disappeared in a flash of white light.

* * *

There was only one thought blazing straight through his mind as it processed what she had said.

/Seph…loves me. The most gorgeous goddess in the universe loves _me_. _Me_. The God of the Dead./

There was no word for that.

But the victory dance and the explosion of fireworks around the throne-room came pretty close to it.

'**_Yesssssss_!!**'

* * *

TBC

* * *

Hades: Get some witnesses for this.

Melora: Why?

Hades: For once I'm _not_ gonna complain about soppy romance. I'm just gonna _kill _you instead.

Melora: So what are the witnesses for?

Hades: Alibis for justifiable smiting.


	12. Chapter 12: A hope in, well, y'know

A/N: To put it mildly, I'm having _way_ too much fun with this fic, so to answer all pleads, threats, mail-bombs etc, 'I Won't Say It' won't be ending for quite a while.

* * *

**VMorticia**: Hey, I think I've done pretty well on writing romance and cutesiness! The little explosion at the end was because Hades is beyond happy that Seph loves him. But yeah, sometimes cutesiness _is_ overrated.

**Sabbie**: The epilogue won't be turning up for quite some time yet, but enjoy the rest of the fic!

**Crimson Fuchsia**: He's in love. What can I say? As for Hades being in-character yet adorable…well, even my mom thinks he's being quite sweet in this fic. I've steadily converted her to the cartoon series - she loves Cerberus. From what I know about the actual myth, she was persuaded to eat the seeds by Hades, but she didn't know what they would do to her. Minus IQ territory…

* * *

Hades: I am _not _adorable. I'm the Lord of the Dead. Adorable is not _me_!

Melora: Grow up. I think you were pretty adorable in the last few parts.

Hades: You're insane. That doesn't count.

Melora: There's just no pleasing some deities.

* * *

Disclaimer: I own my warped mind, Seph and any characters that Disney doesn't yet hold in its fluffy grasp.

/.../ denotes thoughts

* * *

**I Won't Say It: Part 12**

* * *

Despite the deadliness of its situation, it managed to live even in the darkened gloom of the Underworld, feeding on the few nutrients left in the soil.

A bright red rose flourished in the parched earth, a few feet from the throne of the Lord of the Dead.

'Ah, a flower. The circle of life goes on. And yet another cheerful reminder from Demeter that I DESPISE SPRING!'

The rose turned to blackened ashes as soon as the blast of flames hit its petals.

Lousy floral irony.

* * *

As per routine, Hades was sulking on his throne while Pain and Panic nervously reported the day's business at hand.

Or flames, whichever was preferred. These days, it was normally flames and fists; hence the reason why the two imps decided not to mention the annual spring numbers decrease.

Persephone had been on Olympus now for the past two months. With every passing day, Hades' moods were growing darker and darker. The palace still felt like one big skull-motif-ed prison, and it was getting even worse since she had left.

She was now the only reason he hadn't jacked everything in and taken a permanent dip in the Pool of Lethe.

'Ok boys, what _fun_ awaits me today?'

The smouldering god cast a look at the demon-rejects which clearly stated they would end up on the wrong end of a fireball if there was something in there which wasn't popular.

Panic consulted his clipboard. 'Uhm, request from Charon. If people have to 'eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow they die', could they at least stop throwing their rubbish into the Styx? Request for bins and river attendants.'

Hades rolled his eyes and signed the parchment. 'Fine.'

'The Harpy union rep wants permission to institute a sick benefit package.'

'Fine.'

'Council of the Gods meeting at three. Attendance is mandatory.'

'Fine…'

The phrase 'meeting' stuck in the god's brain.

'Hold it...Meeting? Today? As in Olympus? As in other deities? As in…opportunity to see Seph? And that wasn't first on the list _because…_?'

Pain and Panic traded a worried look. Whoops.

The smell of charred minions wafted through the palace.

But at least Hades had cheered up.

* * *

Persephone curled up into a ball on the couch and continued to sulk. Demeter had been in an irritatingly cheerful mood for the past two months, taking frequent breaks to lecture her daughter about how thoughtless and irresponsible she had been, breaking her mother's heart like that and condemning herself to a life in the Underworld.

She had learnt a long time ago a) never to answer back, b) try to zone out for a while and ignore the lectures and c) never say anything, period.

Much as she loved her mother, it was taking a lot of self-control not to snap at the goddess of the plants when she started in on Hades. Ok, so he was never gonna win any popularity contests, and yes, the attempt at usurping Zeus was mostly unforgivable, but he was her husband.

A complete jerk most of the time, but she still loved him.

And missed him.

A lot.

The only bonus was that in another four months, she'd get to see him again.

Four months too long.

* * *

She didn't bother looking up as Hermes hovered above her. Ever since she'd returned, the messenger of the gods had seemed a little nervous around her. Not just because of her connection to Hades, but because of something else.

And it didn't take a genius to work out what.

It maybe was for the best she was married. Much as she adored Hermes, she had just never had any kind of romantic feelings for him. It would just get too difficult.

Persephone glared up at her closest friend. 'Don't I get any privacy to sulk around here?'

'Council of the Gods, babe. They want you there. No excuses.'

A slight whine came into her voice. 'I don't wanna. I have a busy schedule.'

He decided to indulge her. 'Consisting of what?'

'Hmmm…sulking, arguing with mom, sulking, missing Hades, more sulking…what else can I do? Mom's doing everything she can to stop me from leaving Olympus. You know that.'

Hermes's speedy heart twinged a little. Seph really was miserable without Hades around.

What she saw in the _way_ overly sarcastic god baffled him, but the goddess of rebirth obviously liked it.

'Put it this way babe. Go to the meeting, and those six months won't seem so far off. All the gods got called to this thing.'

She stared at him. '…_All_ the gods are coming?'

The blue-skinned god consulted his scroll and grinned at her. 'Including one manic-depressive Lord of the Dead.'

A new bluer tinge replaced the grin across his face as the red skinned goddess proceeded to squeeze the air out of him. 'Babe, need air, need _air_…'

'Sorry. Excitement.' She squeezed him round the neck once more before tearing off, presumably to dig through her wardrobe. He knew from experience that would take at least an hour so he didn't bother waiting around.

* * *

Too long.

Too baggy.

Too pink.

Too…ewww, present from mother.

Her navy robes had totally vanished. Demeter's fault presumably.

Time for the fallback outfit. At least it was black.

Not to mention that it didn't leave too much to the imagination.

Well, her husband's imagination, hopefully.

* * *

Mandatory attendance. Sheez.

Mandatory _boredom_ came closer to the mark.

Whoever had let Athena and Ares into the same room was either mad, overconfident or just really really dense.

And Zeus filled all those criteria with annoyance to spare.

Said deity's lousy sense of humour was being brilliantly demonstrated while the two deities of wisdom and war slung insults at each other across the cloud table.

'Come over here and say that, egghead!'

'…And then the second man says to the horse…'

'I said, brainless warmonger! Can't focus on anything besides the end of a spear!'

''Hey buddy. Why the long face?''

'At least I know my spears!'

Oy. Some things just never changed, even after nine hundred years. Then again, all of the shlubs still managed to look round in synchronised disapproval as soon as either he or Persephone got within three meters of each other.

Perhaps wisely, Zeus managed to gain some control over the disintegrating collection of immortals.

'If there is no further business at hand, then this meeting of the Council is adjourned.' He stood and left, Hera obediently following behind.

* * *

Hades resisted the urge to explode. There had been no chance to be with Seph at all during the laughable excuse for a gathering. That was mostly Demeter's fault - she had been over-exercising mommy rank again, and threatened him beforehand that if he even tried to talk to her daughter, he would find himself at the wrong end of a few thousand, very peckish, carnivorous plants.

His vision darkened suddenly as a pair of hands covered his eyes. Due to the soft red glow, it was clear Persephone had no intention of following her mother's orders.

'So. Being the ever obedient daughter then?'

'Yeah. Just like I'm being your obedient meek little Queen.'

He smirked, enjoying the feeling of her hands on his face. 'What are the chances of that actually happening?'

'Probably about the same chances as teaching Cerberus to _go_ on the paper instead of eating it.'

'Cute. Really.' /Memo to me: find dog trainer ASAP./

The goddess of rebirth rolled her eyes, turned Hades around to face her and dragged his face down to meet hers. 'Ok, less talk, more smoochies.'

The Lord of the Dead happily complied. Sometimes there really were perks in having a partner who believed rules wore made to be obliterated.

Especially when said partner's hands were moving from his neck, very steadily down his chest and pulling his body next to hers.

That alone was making it a little hard for him to breathe, retain coherent thought, and keep some control over his growing case of brain, body and moral-melting lust.

Things were definitely starting to heat up now. Time to test the waters.

At least in the Underworld, they would have a little privacy.

* * *

Hades managed to summon up enough willpower to apparate directly from Olympus to the throne-room in the Underworld palace, his wife still in his arms and showing no sign of wanting to leave.

Until she pulled herself away long enough to catch her breath and glanced at her surroundings.

'So…the change of scenery translates as…?'

He raised his eyebrows at her and smirked. Ironically it was almost identical to the same expression he had pulled on her the morning after they were married.

This time, however…well.

Two consenting deities.  
No-one else within several hundred miles.  
No interruptions.

Persephone picked up the unspoken insinuation immediately, and reflected for a few seconds on the irony of the situation.

Three months ago, if he had suggested this, she would most likely have run out screaming in disgust and barricaded herself in her study.

Now…

A mischievous smirk lit up her face as she studied her husband's face.

She hooked her leg behind Hades's knees and kicked them out from under him, sending him crashing to the floor and her landing rather comfortably on top of him, straddling his hips and pinning him to the ground.

The goddess of rebirth leaned down close enough to kiss him, and started tearing at his robes.

'We do this _my_ way.'

Hades's grin broadened at her actions.

'Yes _ma'am_.'

* * *

His last coherent thought before most of the blood in his body vacated for more…southerly areas ran something akin to, 'Hades's gonna get some! Hades's gonna get some!'

* * *

TBC

* * *

Hades: I thought you said you were kidding about writing this!

Melora: And lose the opportunity to humiliate you? No way.

Hades: Not fair.

Melora: Immortality's not fair. Get used to it.


	13. Chapter 13: Conjugal rights and conseque...

A/N: Sorry about the daily update. The site was being evil and wouldn't let me upload anything. Stupid software.

* * *

**VMorticia**: My mother wants more Cerberus - she loves that dog.

**Crimson Fuchsia**: Don't go insane please! The pressure would affect my writing, and we wouldn't want that now, would we?

**Solitareone**: Again, please refrain from going nuts. Does insanity run through these reviewers?

**Slinky Avenger**: I think that review sums it up perfectly. Inspiration for this part goes to you!

* * *

Hades: If you're taking suggestions, how come you always ignore mine?

Melora: Because I can.

Hades: Hey. If you even _think_ of doing the Adonis thing, I'm hunting you down and…hurting you really really badly.

Melora: Oh, just try it, Smoke Boy.

Hades: Gladly.

* * *

Disclaimer: Seph is mine, along with the non-Disney owned stuff. This probably isn't a lot, on reflection…

/.../ denotes thoughts

* * *

**I Won't Say It: Part 13**

* * *

Depending on how you looked at it, she had either followed her heart's desires, abandoning logic and ethics to love and need.

Or, as her mother would no doubt scream at her if she ever found out, she had just done something really, _really_ stupid.

Currently, Persephone was of the first opinion.

Well, sort of.

She wasn't exactly capable of coherent thought so soon after something like that.

Or the three times before that, either.

She didn't bother holding back the grin that was spreading over her face. It was fairly safe to say that her mother's long-held dream of her only child remaining a virgin goddess had been ripped to shreds in a pretty spectacular way.

And Hades had been… surprisingly gifted, not to mention more than enthusiastic, at helping her completely destroy her mother's dream.

She knew she was supposed to be furious over Hades's (in retrospect) planned seduction, trying to take the moral high ground and stuff like any normal deity.

The goddess of rebirth however, as anyone who'd been on the wrong end of her temper knew, wasn't exactly a normal deity. Hades didn't fit the blue-scroll of a typical god either. But in many ways, he was a normal male.

At least in the respect of falling asleep several seconds after sex at any rate.

She rested her head against his shoulder, wrapping her arms around him and closing her eyes. She was exhausted after that little bit of R&R. Exhausted, but blissfully content.

Getting back to Olympus before her mother had a hernia didn't cross her mind.

* * *

Immortality could be very, very kind sometimes.

Especially when there was a very content and very naked goddess lying next to you in bed.

Hades shifted an arm around his wife's sleeping body, not even fighting the smirk crawling across his face. After he had transported them back to the Underworld, he'd honestly expected either a fist in the face or extended smoochy-time.

Well, maybe a little second base action at best, but…this?

Especially in the throne-room.

_Damn_, but that stone floor was cold.

If he'd been told this would happen within three minutes of returning to the big basement, he'd probably have said someone had had too much ambrosia.

Ambrosia…

Uh oh.

Ambrosia.

Olympus.

Demeter.

Very pissed off Demeter if she found out what had happened.

On the one hand, he really didn't want a smiting. A thunderbolt across even a god's skin took time to heal. And that would more than likely happen if they were caught.

On the other hand…it just felt right, Persephone sleeping next to him like this. She looked so peaceful. And waking her up would mean she would have to leave again.

Then again…

Reluctantly detaching himself from the goddess's arms, Hades located his robes from the pile on the floor. A snap of his fingers repaired the various rips in the black material, caused mostly by his wife and a jutting piece of wall.

Persephone hadn't budged whatsoever. Probably for the best, considering the next part of Operation: Get cynical better half back to Olympus before her seriously overprotective mother worked out what had happened.

* * *

This was way too much of a cliché for his liking, but at least they hadn't been spotted by any of the godsquad.

The goddess of rebirth lay asleep in Hades's arms as he transported them both up to her room in Zeus's palace. Still so peaceful and so beautiful, almost weightless, her hair loose and falling across her shoulders, a darker flush of red across her cheeks…

If he had been mortal, it would've killed him to let her go. As it was, his heart felt like it was tearing in two as he placed her on the bed and pulled the sheets round her.

* * *

She wasn't sure if she'd just imagined the feeling of being carried in warm arms, or the kiss on her forehead. A small frown crossed her face as she felt the heat leave, enough to wake her up. The almost comforting smell of sulphur hit her senses. Hades was still nearby.

Warm smoky arms held her close and darkness covered her as they kissed. Not passion, but compassion; not craving but sharing.

She wasn't sure if she felt better or worse for having made love with him. But right now, her place was with him. And neither of them could stay in the place they wanted to be.

The dawn would be soon, and if Hades was found here…

They reluctantly broke away from each other.

'You have to go.'

'I know.' He held her gaze.

'Gonna miss you babe.'

'Another four months…I'll survive till then.'

He couldn't resist a little cynicism. 'What happened to 'I can't live without you, you're my sunshine yadda yadda yadda?''

Persephone smirked. 'Hey. I love you, but let's try sticking to attainable goals.'

'And they say romance is dead.'

'Don't even go there.'

'Sadly I gotta.' One last kiss, and the Lord of the Dead stood in the centre of the room.

'Love ya.'

He vanished in a puff of black smoke.

In the firmament, Apollo attached the sun onto his chariot, causing a deep orange glow to crawl across Olympus. As the sunrise filtered through her window, she was left with an odd feeling of contentment and relief. It hadn't been a one-off incident, and there would be more of _that_ particular intimacy once she returned to the Underworld.

The contentment was replaced by the growling noise from her stomach.

Food. Now.

* * *

Demeter luckily hadn't guessed what had happened. Then again, leaving a note which said 'Gone shopping. Back later' generally didn't cause much worry.

Two weeks on, and she still desperately missed Hades. Even rebirthing couldn't take her mind off of her deadpan partner. The only thing which helped was comfort eating. Feta cheese. And plenty of it.

Athens had been hit by plague fairly recently, so at least the Lord of the Dead would be keeping busy.

At least, she hoped he was. Hades didn't do depression too well. She knew that from experience.

And cue flashbacks to seduction. For all his supposed ruthlessness and cruelty, Hades had been astoundingly gentle. Even though he was fully aware that she was a lot stronger than many other goddesses, he had treated her during that entire night as if she would break under the slightest pressure or hint of pain.

It was one of the few ways she could remember him without getting upset. Frustrated definitely, but at least she was happy.

Sort of.

/Ohh…feta cheese. Now./

She just hoped she wouldn't throw it up over her bed this time.

* * *

The Lord of the Dead was sulking once again. Two weeks since his bout of enforced celibacy had ended, and he was bored, frustrated, and just plain pissed off.

Even Cerberus was depressed. The giant dog had been whining ever since Seph had left. This naturally resulted in chew toys AKA Pain and Panic being completely obliterated by drool and three-foot long teeth, and several extra little messes.

The dog had the right idea. Minion torture called.

* * *

Artemis, goddess of the hunt and the moon, tucked a strand of green hair behind her ear as she watched her beloved goddaughter.

The goddess of rebirth was no wilting flower, but over the past few weeks, she had seemed more upset than normal. Possibly her emotions had been affected by the little tryst her husband had planned.

She hadn't said anything to Seph, Demeter or Bacchus. The goddess of the plants would only worry incessantly, the god of parties would start interfering, and Seph really just deserved her privacy.

She might not be married herself, but she knew how much Persephone missed Hades. She personally didn't like him much, but she could clearly see their love every time the two deities were together.

Ever since the goddess of rebirth had been a child, she had protected her, as was her duty. Artemis had always possessed a sort of sixth sense about the young, particularly if something was wrong.

She could feel it right now as she watched over the red goddess. But somehow, what she felt wasn't wrong exactly, but it felt…odd.

Unless…

It couldn't be.

It didn't seem possible.

But it could be.

Her goddaughter sat down on the edge of her bed, holding something in her hands. On closer inspection, it appeared to be a pin of some sort…a toga pin. In the shape of a flame. Her lower lip was trembling slightly.

She was in tears over a pin. Placing it next to her bed, Persephone raised her hands to her face and sobbed. The goddess of the hunt banished the tears of sympathy she felt pricking in the corners of her eyes.

The tears stopped as her eyes narrowed slightly and her skin tone lightened by a few shades. You didn't have to be a goddess to work out what was coming.

Artemis only just managed to get Seph's head over a basin before she reacquainted herself with her lunch.

* * *

The feeling was indisputable now.

She had recognised it with Hera, she had recognised it with Demeter and she recognised it now with Persephone.

The first of the third generation of Olympian deities was now resting in Persephone's womb.

Demeter was going to flip.

* * *

TBC

* * *

Hades: This is cruelty.

Melora: What? I think it's sweet!

Hades: You would.

Melora: Watch it.

Hades: Hey, I only speak the truth babe.


	14. Chapter 14: Parenthood and dogtraining

A/N: The image of Hades as a father…I think it's quite cute!

* * *

**Crimson Fuchsia**: Artemis will turn up more as the story goes on. Anyway, the opportunity of cutesiness and annoying Hades was too good to pass up! And as for setting Hades on people… I _know_ it wouldn't be a bad thing; I know _I_ wouldn't be complaining, but that is precisely my point. It's just scary for people who aren't complete leches like the rest of us.

**Bevin**: Researched all the stuff and already had the kid's name picked out before I wrote this, but it's not Zagreus. Too squicky for my liking. It's one of the others you'd mentioned. And glad you like this! Your fic 'Prom Night' is one of the best Disney fics I've read!

**Slinky Avenger**: I know I'm evil. It's part of my charm. Keep reading!

**VMorticia**: There are a few mentions of Seph having kids, but Zagreus was fathered by Zeus, so not doing that one.

* * *

Hades: (still in complete shock)

Melora: No cynical commentary. Can we get a witness?

Hades: …Has anyone ever told you you're an insane ranting perverted wench?

Melora: Yes.

Hades: Ok. Just wanted to check…

* * *

Disclaimer: If you don't know by now what I own and don't own…well, idiot is the word that springs to mind.

/.../ denotes thoughts

* * *

**I Won't Say It: Part 14**

* * *

Ok.

Right.

Wonderful.

At least it explained the cravings.

But a baby…That was a new one.

There was no second-guessing Artemis's senses. The goddess of the hunt also protected expectant women, hence the ability to sense pregnancies.

A baby though. A little god or goddess…

Persephone lay with her head resting in Artemis's lap. The powerful green goddess had refused to leave her if she was sick, and especially not now.

She had no intention of revealing her goddaughter's secret, but the changing shape of her body might do it for her if she didn't confess to Demeter. And soon.

'Seph…you will have to tell your momma sooner or later. You can't just hide something like this.'

The goddess of rebirth raised her head to look up at her godmother. 'I know, but…if I tell her, then I'll have to tell her about Hades and how I returned to the Underworld. Mom'll try to make it so I can't see him again and…'

She sighed and rested her swirling head.

'I won't say anything until you're ready, little one. But you'll need help with this. And since she's going to be a grandmother, I doubt Demeter will be too angry.'

Persephone grinned despite her nausea. 'True. Won't stop her from trying to kill Hades though.'

Her godmother returned the smile. The goddess of the plants was the classic mother-in-law. She doubted Demeter would let a little thing like immortality, or the fact Hades was her son-in-law stop her from torturing him.

She rubbed Persephone's back, still finding it hard to believe that just under the goddess's heart and ribs, a new god or goddess was being formed. The child of the Lord of the Dead and the goddess of rebirth…

* * *

A baby. A little baby of her own.

Her son or daughter.

Hades's son or daughter. This baby was a part of him and her.

She was going to be a mommy.

The remaining four months couldn't come fast enough.

* * *

Thoughts (if any) of impending fatherhood were the last things on Hades's mind as he yanked hard on Cerberus's three leashes. Responsibility of walking the giant mutt had fallen on him since Pain and Panic were still trying to make their heads look slightly less like pieces of abstract art.

And, like all dogs, Cerberus loved his walkies.

'Slow down already, c'mon! Sheesh, find a tree or something…'

The Lord of the Dead was being dragged along on his back as the giant black guard dog scampered around the banks of the Styx, oblivious to Hades's irritated bellows.

'Heel' was a command meant for lesser dogs.

At least until his middle head found something interesting to eat.

'Drop it…I said drop it! Whaddya got there anyway? Drop it already!'

Hades's legendarily short patience was starting to wear exceedingly thin.

For a demon-spawned dog from hell's own brimstone pits, Cerberus was disturbingly puppy-like. From the drooling over everything, eating the garbage and having little accidents all over the place perspective at least. And he rolled over at the slightest hint that he would get his stomach scratched.

/Oy. I could've had a nice three-headed goldfish, but noooo…/

'Hades! Do you have no control over that _fleabag_ of yours?'

Great. Just great. Now the Fates had to turn up. Hades quickly assumed the more charming persona the Daughters of Darkness were used to seeing.

'Ah, ladies. I apologise for the dog, he's a little, how should I put it…err…rambunctious, shall we say.'

He turned on Cerberus, immediately dropping the charm.

'DROP IT ALREADY! C'mon, what is it? Whaddya got?'

The overgrown guard dog realised that master Hades was serious about giving up the treat. The first head reluctantly spat its new toy onto the ground in front of Hades, liberally coated in drool.

'What is it? What is…it's a…yeeuch. It's an eyeball.'

The grey and blue god shuddered slightly. The only ones who could lose a working eyeball down here were the Fates. Considering the last few times they had teamed up, he wasn't particularly keen on getting them mad.

He grabbed a handful of his robes and started trying to clean the drool off. He would've succeeded had the eyeball not suddenly gleamed and floated five feet off the ground. It did this periodically, but the three sisters were used to it.

They weren't keen on letting Hades See anything in it at present, not if what they had Seen a few minutes ago was anything to go by.

An image was shimmering inside the floating sphere. Two figures were talking to each other, one instantly recognisable to the Lord of the Dead as his slightly jaded better half. The other wasn't as familiar, but it looked like Artemis, goddess of the Wild Things.

Maybe it was just the light, or more accurately, lack of light, but Persephone didn't look as cynical as normal. If anything, she looked like she'd been floored, and her normally glowing red skin had a faintly greenish cast to it.

'…_I won't say anything until you're ready, little one. But you'll need help with this. And since she's going to be a grandmother, I doubt Demeter will be too angry_…'

The eye stopped hovering and plopped back into Hades's outstretched hands. Lachesis instantly grabbed it away from him and jammed it into her hollow eye socket. 'Whoops. You weren't supposed to see that.'

Not one to obviously dig for information, Hades shrugged.

'Fine, fine. Just um, one little question; that was Seph, wasn't it? With Artemis? Looking somewhat less than perky?'

Clotho waved a bony finger at him and snatched the eye from her older sister, shoving it into her own eye socket and glaring at Hades. 'Oh no, you don't. We're not falling for that again.'

'Well…' Atropos scrutinised the god closely. Well, as closely as you can get, what with having no actual eyes.

'Sister?'

'Provided you'll keep that mutt locked up of course…' The youngest Fate's offer hung in the air.

'Hey. I can deal with that. _Sit_ already!' A quick yank on the three leashes and Cerberus's three heads impacted heavily on the ground, tail still wagging.

'He's in the doghouse for, like, ever. Boom. Done. Now, Seph. And don't mess around.'

'All right.' Lachesis took the eyeball away from Clotho and stepped forward. 'That little interlude happened a few hours ago on Olympus. And yes, that was your dear wife you saw.'

A little hint of jealousy crept into her voice. She had always had a bit of a crush on Hades…

'Hey, 'least she ain't bored up there without…whoa whoa _whoa_, wait a sec. Demeter's gonna be a grandmother? How's that work out…?'

Hades trailed off into deeply uncharacteristic silence, his mind racing under the flames.

Demeter was going to be a grandmother. Seph was her only child. That meant…

No way.  
Impossible.  
Couldn't happen.

Could happen.  
Had happened.  
Oh boy.

The Lord of the Dead disappeared in a rush of blue flames.

Atropos glanced at the still smoking spot. 'He took that better than we saw.'

* * *

Artemis was right. She had to tell her mother. Demeter would undoubtedly yell and sulk and cry, but it wouldn't change anything. She was pregnant and she was going to have this baby, no matter how much the other gods disapproved.

Right now, she was too busy seeing her lunch in full Greco-colour rerun, her godmother holding her hair away from her face.

The greenish pallor still covering her cheeks, Persephone pushed the basin away, trying to ignore the icky taste in her mouth.

During the last bout, she had made up her mind. As soon as she could stand up properly, she would go with Artemis and tell her parents and Zeus. That would just leave…

Hades.

Telling him was going to be interesting.

* * *

The most likely place the goddess of rebirth would be was as near to a basin as possible. All signs pointed towards her bedroom.

Hades appeared dead centre of the room. And got confronted with a vine covered spear as soon as the smoke cleared.

'Hey! I come in peace babe. Just point that thing somewhere else.'

Artemis didn't budge. 'You are lucky I didn't run you through the moment you appeared.'

'Like you'd hurt the daddy in the equation?'

The goddess's snarl dropped. 'You know?'

Hades rolled his eyes. 'Fate-mail. Look, I didn't come here to trade barbs; I wanna know if it's true. And I wanna know that from Seph. NOW!'

''Mis, it's OK.'

Both deities looked towards the sound of the voice. Persephone had finally regained some control over her legs and had managed to stumble out from her bathroom at the sound of the voices.

Acting on instinct, the Lord of the Dead pulled the slender goddess into his arms, noting how much the nausea was sapping her strength. Glad for a solid support, the goddess of rebirth sank into the embrace, nodding at Artemis to leave for a while.

The world lurched slightly as Hades sat down on the edge of the bed and let her curl up against him. The smell of smoke wafted around her, calming her rebellious stomach.

'Babe?'

'You don't need to ask.'

'It's true then.' The expression on his face was unreadable.

'Yeah. I'm…pregnant. About a month so far, I think.'

Hades was silent for a while as he held his wife steady.

'So…anyone else know?'

'Just Artemis. She's promised not to say anything.'

He looked down at her still flat stomach and rubbed it tentatively. Hard to believe that through all that skin and muscle, was a kid.

_His_ kid.

The most gorgeous goddess on Earth was having _his_ baby.

His son or daughter.

He was going to be a father.

A little smirk crept over his face. The Lord of the Dead was gonna be a daddy.

Only one reaction seemed to fit the situation.

Ten miles of the sky around Olympus seemed to explode into flames.

Followed immediately by a whoop of sheer ecstasy.

* * *

TBC

* * *

Hades (Still out cold)

Melora: Great. Supposed to be the God of the Dead and he's fainted like a Girl Guide.

Hades: (No response)

Melora: Least it's nice and quiet for a while.

(Quiet, all pervading peace.)

Melora: Anyone got smelling salts? This is boring.


	15. Chapter 15: Acceptance of the inevitable

A/N: Sometimes I just love doing the cutesy thing. Hades doesn't, but I'm getting better at ignoring him.

* * *

**Dragonsbane**: Hades as a daddy is actually quite a sweet image. At least he's taking it quite well. Ok, he's ecstatic, but I consider myself the mistress of understatement.

**Slinky Avenger**: I talked the rest of the fic over with my mom, and ironically, she's decided Hades is what every woman wants. I thought it was Mel Gibson or George Clooney, but apparently not. But indeed, Hades and Seph do make a very cute couple!

**Bevin**: Squickiness. Ewwwwwwww. Post the Herc fics already! There aren't enough here for my liking.

**Solitareone**: Indeed, but I'm gonna try to make this work! And as for the kid…it's the child of Hades. Go figure. And yes, pyromaniacs rule.

**VMorticia**: Hades is now conscious and he's starting to see the pros of being a daddy. Sort of.

* * *

Hades: Remind me of these pros?

Melora: You have a clearly defined role, and you get a kid possibly in your own image.

Hades: And I'm gonna regret this, but what is my 'clearly defined role'?

Melora: Seph gets stuck with the morning sickness, expanding waistline, insane cravings and labour pains. You get to sit around, do the proud dad thing and smoke cigars.

Hades: That's in theory at least.

Melora: Hell, yes. You think I'd let you off getting involved?

Hades: Everyone has an off day.

* * *

Disclaimer: Don't own, don't sue. You take Seph, well…just remember who my muse is…

/.../ denotes thoughts

* * *

**I Won't Say It: Part 15**

* * *

Bacchus's, Zeus's and Demeter's expressions could've been placed in the dictionary next to the definition of the word 'gobsmacked'.

This was completely unbelievable.

Completely and totally unbelievable.

Demeter finally spoke. 'Could you…just-just repeat that for me, sweetie?'

Supported by her godmother while her husband was trying to make himself look as innocuous as possible, the goddess of rebirth exhaled sharply and rolled her eyes.

'Like I told you at least twice; I'm pregnant. Like it or lump it.'

'Pregnant…you're…y-you're…I…baby…him…you…but…but how?'

Persephone tried and failed to keep the look of disgust off her features. '_Mooooom_!! _Ewwwwwwww_!!'

She replaced revulsion with a glare. 'It happened in _pretty_ much the usual way.'

'But…w-when did it…h-happen?'

/And cue the lecture./ 'Um…after the last Council meeting?'

'WHAT?! HOW COULD YOU?!'

'Quite easily really.'

Demeter looked about six shades paler than her normal green skin tone. 'You're having a baby…my little girl's having a baby…'

Gravity hit the goddess of the plants straight in the face as she hit the floor.

* * *

Hades shifted from his favourite skulking spot at the back of the room and stared at the pole-axed figure of his mother-in-law.

'Well, that went down just _great_.'

Zeus and Artemis looked at each other, and then back down at the floor.

Persephone simply shrugged. 'She took that _way_ better than I thought.'

Bacchus joined the little group, clutching a chicken leg in one hand. 'Aw, she'll come round in a while, sweetheart. I'll work on her.'

He smiled fondly down at his daughter as she looked up at him, a slightly nervous expression covering her face.

He wasn't angry.

Far from it.

The god of parties pulled his daughter into a firm hug and planted a kiss on her forehead.

His little girl was going to be a mother.

This was a great excuse for a party.

* * *

The goddess of the plants held her handkerchief up to her face and took another deep breath.

A baby…

Demeter sniffled. Her little girl was supposed to be a _virgin_ goddess. That was what she'd planned all along.

Either that, or perhaps a marriage to Hermes, or to Apollo. Someone with the right breeding, the right credentials. And now this.

Her daughter, her little Sephy, consigned to six months in the Underworld, and pregnant with the offspring of Olympus's Most Wanted.

This was not how she had pictured her daughter's future life to be like.

A baby…

Persephone was still just a baby herself. And with that…that morbid grey excuse for a god…it made her feel frankly nauseous.

Unfortunately she knew Persephone was far too stubborn for her own good. But maybe the marriage had affected her daughter's judgement. How any sane goddess would ever want to do…that…with Hades, much less bear his child…

She paused outside her daughter's room, peered round the door and listened to the almost endearing conversation.

* * *

'I still don't get what's so wrong with having a kid.'

Persephone was curled up very comfortably against Hades. Zeus had given the Lord of the Dead permission to stay for one night; after that he would have to return to the Underworld, no contact with his wife allowed until the rest of her time on Olympus had finished.

'I'm guessing the kid thing's fine in principle. But the teensy weensy fact remains that I'm the evil, ruthless, merciless overlord of the dead, controller of the afterlife, overall heartless tyrant and moral vacuum AKA the daddy, and your mom just wants to rip my head off and use it as a doorstop as it is.'

She raised an eyebrow. 'Oh, I'd _never_ have guessed.'

Hades ignored the sarcasm. 'And what's really killing her is…'

He settled back into the couch, folding his arms behind his head and resting his blue flamed skull against his hands.

'She can't eternally torture me since you and I got spliced, and you just happen to find me extremely attractive.'

'Let's colour _someone_ egocentric.'

'What?'

'Since when have I ever said you were attractive?' She leaned on his chest and smirked at him.

Hades mock-pouted at her. 'You don't remember?'

'Nope.'

His gaze turned into desire almost instantly. 'Want me to…refresh your memory?'

'Nope.'

'Positive?'

'Positive.'

'Aww…'

A small smile played across his face for a while as he held Persephone's gaze, practically drooling at how perfect she was. He shifted one hand away from his flaming cranium and brushed a few strands of dark hair away from his wife's face, letting his fingers rest against her cheek.

She recognised the look on Hades's face. He was thinking about something, but his eyes seemed…different somehow. Natural arrogance was swirling around in his gaze, along with almost dangerous intelligence, and…something else.

She traced his cheekbones with one hand and rested her head against the other.

'Do I want to know what's going on inside that brain of yours?'

The smile grew a little bigger as his other arm snaked around her. 'Just trying to work something out babe.'

'What?'

'How I can love you and this kid so much, even if it's still just a little bunch of cells.'

For all the cynicism and sarcasm, Hades had a way of being able to communicate with her that only she seemed to understand. It was one of the reasons why she had fallen for him.

She kissed his palm, then brought her lips up to his and kissed him properly, feeling his arms instinctively tighten around her waist, then loosen slightly as he remembered about the little life inside her.

* * *

Unseen by the two deities, Demeter left silently. Much as she wanted to, this wasn't her place to disapprove.

In fact, she was somewhat reluctantly proud.

Despite her reservations about Hades, she couldn't ignore the clear fact that he was completely infatuated with Persephone, and he was just as thrilled about this child as much as any other parent could be.

There was nothing she could disapprove of.

Her little girl was going to be a mother.

She would need all the help she could get.

And the goddess of all plants was hardly going to begrudge her that.

She was going to be a grandmother.

Now that was something to celebrate.

* * *

TBC

* * *

Hades: If this is meant to be a humour/romance fic, where's the humour?

Melora: There's humour in it!

Hades: Where?

Melora: It's romantic humour.

Hades: Romantic humour. That's just peachy.

Melora: Grow up.


	16. Chapter 16: The name game

A/N: I screwed up. Ah well.

* * *

**VMorticia**: I was writing the last part at three in the morning, forgot to take that line out and I couldn't be bothered reposting it. Logic buggered off at two, along with my short-term memory. It's been changed now, so all's well.

**Slinky Avenger**: I will say this. You've just given me the basis of at least two chapters. Yay!

**Cheerleader15**: Very happy you like the story!

* * *

Hades: That book is just really disturbing.

Melora: What's up with it? The technical language for childbirth?

Hades: For once, no.

Melora: So what's wrong?

Hades: The concept of something that shape. In spandex.

* * *

Disclaimer: If I owned them, you think I'd be doing this? I own Seph. That's all people!

/.../ denotes thoughts

* * *

**I Won't Say It: Part 16**

* * *

The bouts of nausea were becoming less frequent, for which she was profoundly grateful. Hera and Demeter had immediately taken it upon themselves to look after the expectant goddess; she appreciated the concern, but she was more than a little sick of them continuously fussing over her.

And she was only three months gone. At least for the last five months or so, she would be in the Underworld.

Trying to enjoy the time before she would forget what her feet looked like, Persephone flicked through the copy of 'Goddess and Baby', trying not to laugh at some of the possible names.

Eurus. /Nah. Boring./

Aestraea. /Too many vowels./

Zagreus. /Don't think so./

Chaos. /Hades would probably love it, but let's not tempt the Fates…/

Coeus. /Possibly./

Tyche. /Hmmm…nope./

She decided not to think about what Hades wanted to name the kid. The only consolation was that at least his suggestions couldn't be any worse than the others she'd found.

Yeah. Right.

* * *

Ok, there was still five months or so before the kid would actually turn up in all its wailing, puking glory, but there was no way it was ending up with some wussy cutesy-sounding name.

The best way to find the right name?

Intense thought, followed by inspiration.

Best method of inspiration through intense thought?

Agonising minion torture.

And no scrimping on the agony.

* * *

Pain ricocheted off the walls, desperately trying to kill the flames burning his butt while Panic was dodging a few fireballs. Inspiration, it seemed, had yet to hit the Lord of the Dead. Until then, third degree burns called.

Hades's mind was swirling as the two imps' screams echoed around the throne-room.

Too boring, too cutesy, too wimpy, too many letters…lotta names, and a lotta reasons why they all sucked.

Except…

The thwap of inspiration hit. Pretty hard as well.

'Not too long, strikes fear, terror, crap like that…perfecto!'

The fireworks simmered down for the time being. Pain and Panic managed to beat out the last of the flames and sighed in relief.

The relief ended fairly fast as Hades threw them both into the Styx. Might as well give the mutt something to play with.

* * *

One of the few good points about the Underworld had to be the colour scheme. It was kinda hard to go wrong with black. Hence the black furniture, black crib and matching toys.

The stuffed toy Cerberus did look kinda cute though. The cuddly Hydra maybe was a little weird, but around here, the surreal was encouraged.

At least it was no weirder than his own first teddy bear.

Well, cuddly skeleton really; christened Ske'ton since that was the best he could manage at the age of two. And anything was better than Binky, the name Zeus had bestowed on his own teddy bear.

Hades smirked as he spotted Ske'ton, perched quite contentedly on top of the baby's dresser, his stuffing falling out of a few joints and bald patches where his fur had been loved off. (1)

Somehow he had a feeling that the kid wouldn't mind a slightly battered toy for the first few years of its life.

He cast a semi-speculative gaze over the baby's room before musing over the little rattle he had designed while the imps had been shifting furniture around.

Black, with a horned skull on the top. Perfect for hitting minions with until the kid got its own sceptre.

Hard to believe something could be that small and still need so much stuff.

Meh. It was all worth it.

If this kid was gonna help him and Seph rule the big basement, it was getting the best of everything.

And if it turned out to be a girl…hey.

They could always call her Pandora.

* * *

For a cluster of dividing cells, it was definitely having an adverse effect on her rebirthing practice. Persephone had decided to forgo her duties until she felt relatively normal. Though how that would happen was beyond her for the moment.

Actually, thinking beyond the next bathroom excursion was beyond her. Demeter had been remarkably helpful in trying to find food that would stay in her stomach. Unfortunately, there were a few times when all she could do was answer to the sickness.

Like right now.

Hera and Demeter both winced in sympathy as they heard Persephone retch. She was trying to take the pregnancy in her stride, but nature was never that kind. Currently, she was directing a few choice words at her husband _in absentia_ between bouts.

What exactly the fire ants and the gallon of nectar would be used for was perhaps best left to the imagination.

The Queen of the gods folded up a tiny blue blanket and offered a smile of support to her oldest friend.

'I have to say, I think you're taking this remarkably well, Demeter dear.'

The goddess of the plants smiled back wistfully. 'After a while, I did get used to the idea. A grandchild. Imagine.'

Hera sighed happily. Just a few days ago, Hercules had given her the news that Megara was expecting their first child as well.

'I know how you feel. Another baby to love and spoil.'

'Hmmm. For six months of the year at least. And if Hades has anything to say about it, he won't want any, quote 'schmoozy Olympian influence' unquote, over his child. He really is impossible when it comes to my little Sephy and this baby.'

Said goddess emerged from the bathroom, collapsed onto her bed and groaned loudly.

'Mom, we went through this. Only I have bitching rights when it comes to Hades.'

Demeter immediately started fussing over her daughter, pre-empting yet another mother-daughter argument. It ended with the goddess of the plants stalking off in a huff and Hera making a discreet exit before Persephone started throwing anything.

She loved her mother dearly, but there were times when she just didn't know when to quit interfering. Right now, she just wanted some peace. The only good thing was, during the last bout, she'd come up with the perfect name for the baby.

Of course, if her intuition was wrong and it turned out to be a girl, she'd have to think up another name, but no biggie.

And no matter what, it was _not_ getting named Pandora.

* * *

TBC

(1) My mum always says this about Henry, Colin and Dylan, my three dragons; Cracker, my red devil, and Isosceles, my little teeny tiger. They've all gone a bit bald in places after being my bedtime cuddly toys for nearly 20 years, and therefore, getting squashed and cuddled to death.

* * *

Hades: So what was wrong with my first choice?

Melora: I am not calling the kid Moros.

Hades: Why not?

Melora: It means 'doom'. Just cos your name means 'unseen'…

Hades: Exactly. Unseen doom. Get the concept?

Melora: Yes, and it's still no.


	17. Chapter 17: Enter Psyche

A/N: One thing I forgot to mention in the last part is that for goddesses, pregnancy can be any length of time between 8 and 10 months. And a big thank-you to the movie Lethal Weapon 3, which I swiped a few lines from.

* * *

**Dragonsbane**: One update!

**VMorticia**: Cerberus _is_ pretty cuddly. The Pandora thing was because I was running low on inspiration for a girl's name. The only other ones I liked were Eris and Nemesis, but already mentioned Nemesis and somehow Eris didn't seem to fit.

**Slinky Avenger**: Moros was a tentative first choice until a) I got the rest of the info about the name I wanted and b) I found out what Moros meant. More to the point, Hades is enough trouble _without_ the helmet of invisibility, and I don't really have a death wish.

* * *

Hades: Ok, hold on a sec. How am I troublesome?

Melora: You're psychopathic, you're a pyromaniac with violent tendencies and you never do your own laundry.

Hades: Since when did we start talking about _your_ personality problems babe?

Melora: Oh, shut up.

* * *

Disclaimer: Grrrr… I don't own anything except Seph. Happy?

/.../ denotes thoughts

* * *

**I Won't Say It: Part 17**

* * *

In…

Deep cleansing breath…

Out.

Quick glance at exercise scroll.

Sit in semi-lotus, lift leg with both arms and rotate foot sundial-wise, then counter-sundial-wise…

Lean too far to the left, fall off exercise mat and bruise left arm.

/Ow./ Shoving herself up from the floor, Persephone rubbed her shoulder and tried to regain a sense of inner equilibrium and oneness with herself and the baby.

At she would've done if thoughts such as 'this is completely stupid' didn't keep flashing through her mind.

Her mother had insisted she do the workout, no excuses. Demeter was adamant the exercises would help her daughter regain her figure after the baby was born. Of course, it hadn't exactly worked in the case of the goddess of the plants, but…well, anything was possible.

Deciding to rest for a while, the goddess of rebirth retreated to a pile of cushions and lay back, indulging the little flutters of nerves and excitement in her stomach.

The six months on Olympus were up. Hades would be arriving to take her back to the Underworld any time now.

However, she couldn't deny that she would miss her parents and Olympus. It was one of the few things that still depressed Persephone about her marriage. Much as she loved Hades and her unborn child, she still wanted her parents to be part of her life, even in the Underworld.

She put aside her morose thoughts and turned her attention to the pile of baby clothes next to her. Although her last attempt at repairing and creating clothes had resulted in her sewing herself to the floor (1), she had persevered.

The minute robe on the top of the pile was the result of almost two months work. A black toga over a grey undershirt, the skull clasp replaced by a material skull…the kid was going to be the prince or princess of the Underworld. It had to look the part. At least grey, black and navy were unisex colours.

She just hoped Hades would like it. If he didn't…

Tough crap.

He knew better than to piss her off, especially when she was pregnant, _very_ hormonal, and happened to be the only one who could program the Tartarus Vision to receive the Cyprus News Network.

* * *

The sounds of an argument wafting through from the hallway roused her from her thoughts. It didn't take a genius to work out who was trying to kill whom.

'…She needs me more than ever right now! I can't believe you'd be so callous as to actually go through with this _insane_ arrangement!'

Demeter was busy summoning the entire world's hazardous plant life to her command. At least if…he…was here, she could give him a nasty rash.

The Lord of the Dead settled for raising an eyebrow. 'Whoa. Recap. The seeds were Seph's own choice. Me? Not involved. Nada. Niet. Zippo.'

'You convinced her somehow to eat those seeds, I'm sure of it!'

'_Me_ convince Seph to do something she doesn't wanna do? Babe, I got permanent scars from the last time I 'convinced' her to do something!'

'And you deserve every one of them, you heartless little son of a…'

Persephone wisely intervened. 'Mom. How about you keep that to yourself, 'kay?'

Much as the free flow of insults was entertaining, she was getting more than slightly annoyed with her mother's continual disrespect of Hades.

The goddess of the plants assumed an 'all for the best' expression. 'Sephy sweetie, you go back to your room and rest, alright? This isn't your place to interfere.'

'Tough. I'm interfering. The arrangement was six months up here, six months with Pyro Boy in the Underworld…'

'Hey!' Hades looked marginally offended.

'…The six months are up, so I'm leaving and that's final.' She stalked out of the room to find her belongings.

Considering Demeter was turning a worrying shade of puce, the Lord of the Dead wisely vanished in a puff of smoke.

But not before the plump green goddess was able to throw a pitcher plant at his head.

* * *

For lack of a better word, the giant purple and black bruise on Hades's forehead could only be described as…embarrassing.

He poked the patch of raised skin warily and winced at the pain. 'So is she gonna do that every six months or was that a first-time special?'

Persephone sighed and placed the ice pack back against his head. It melted pretty much instantly.

'Call it 'over-protective grandma' syndrome. Under normal circumstances, she'd probably be a little better about it.'

'Which means every six months. Great.'

'Oh, like you don't get protective when I have to leave here.'

'Hey. At least I don't throw plants at your mom.'

'Possibly because I'd kill you if you did.'

Despite the headache, Hades smirked. 'Uh-huh. Like you could kill me.'

'I could. I'm just not gonna bother.'

'Ok, if you're not gonna kill me, do I get any sympathy?'

The goddess of rebirth tried not to smile. 'Sympathy for what?'

'I just got clocked on the head by a piece of shrubbery with teeth. Don't I at least get a Band-Aid?'

'Hey, I spent most of my life in Asia Minor with various deities of war. If bones weren't broken and blood wasn't gushing, no one cared.'

The blue and grey god thought for a second. 'There's blood gushing _under_ the bruise. Does that count?'

'No.'

'So does that mean I don't get a kiss to make it better?'

'No, it just means you get a kiss in order to shut up.'

Persephone relinquished her spot on the floor and moved to sit in her husband's lap. Slightly unexpected, but Hades wasn't complaining. Four months of waiting and this was the final result.

He tried not to hold her too tightly. Despite the fact that the baby was more than well protected in Seph's body, he didn't want to risk hurting it through extra pressure. A small bump was already starting to form around the goddess's abdomen. Not hugely visible, but it was there, and he could feel it.

Hades wasn't completely certain if or how a pregnancy bump could make a woman look gorgeous, but in the case of his wife, she just seemed to be beyond beautiful.

One very big chessboard.  
One goddess of rebirth.  
No interruptions.

Nature and lust called.

* * *

She wasn't completely sure whether it was the pregnancy or the very much-welcomed follow-through of the kiss, but she felt absolutely fantastic. No nausea, no exhaustion and no goddess of the plants constantly keeping an eye on her.

Resting against the window seat in the baby's room with a slightly battered cuddly skeleton toy in her arms, Persephone gazed contentedly out over the Styx. The swirling grey water currently reflected the enchanted ceiling, the 'stars' and 'moon' shimmering on its surface. Hades's excuse for keeping the sky décor was to create a little abstract confusion among the dead.

She knew full well he'd kept it that way just for her, but she decided to keep schtum and indulge his male pride.

A full-throated whine caught her attention right before one of Cerberus's tongues gave her a very sloppy lick across the face. Persephone wasn't bothered. The giant guard dog was incredibly hard not to love.

Granted, he still either refused to obey or didn't understand basic commands other than 'maim', 'kill', 'massacre' and 'fetch', but he really was quite cuddly.

She petted the oversized black mutt on the middle head, eliciting a few happy whimpers, and glanced back out over the river. Charon was paddling the boat towards the palace dock, no doubt delivering more souls and therefore more paperwork to the rulers of the dead.

Something caught the goddess's eye. There was only one person on the boat, and they definitely didn't look dead or immortal.

A woman by the looks of it as well.

Terrified, and carrying something as well…a box?

This was weird. Mortals by nature stayed away from the Underworld. Why would this girl be trying to enter the palace?

Maybe it would be best to sort this one out herself.

* * *

TBC

(1) Ok, I admit I have actually done this more than once. It's more than slightly embarrassing having to pick your school skirt out of the carpet _while _you're wearing it. And it's even more embarrassing when your art teacher asks how you can do that, and then you have to avoid telling her you cheated on your sewing project when you were 14 by using iron-on glue strips and a sewing machine.

* * *

Hades: How come you keep saying I get some, but then you never give any details?

Melora: Because I'm cruel. And you obviously got some in previous chapters.

Hades: Yeah, and still no details.

Melora: I give enough to make things interesting, but not so much that I have to make this R-rated.

Hades: Hey, I'm just saying I wouldn't be complaining.

Melora: We _know_ you wouldn't.


	18. Chapter 18: Hope and love

A/N: There may be slightly less updates from this point, and more cutting of bits of reviews. Nothing personal, but people don't wanna have to read piles of responses before they get to the start of the chapter.

* * *

**Crimson Fuchsia**: Relax, cool stuff is still happening; I got about half a pregnancy to go - gotta spin things out! And don't even start on the number of things that could happen with this kid.

**Cheerleader15**: I'm trying to keep up the good work, just keep reading!

**VMorticia**: Yes, I know I missed the minion torture in the last bit, but relax; I'm making up for lost torture time. And my sincere sympathies re. the PC being in computer hospital. My PC screws up regularly, but it's never been that sick before…I'd be scared about you losing all the wonderful fanfiction.

* * *

Hades: 'Wonderful fanfiction.' Isn't that a contradiction in terms?

Melora: You being nice to anyone but yourself is a contradiction in terms, but it reads well enough to get reviews.

Hades: So…you're basically saying _reviews_ are the reason you keep making me act completely abnormal and thereby prolonging my torture.

Melora: Yeah, pretty much.

* * *

Disclaimer: I own Seph and the kid. That's about it.

/.../ denotes thoughts

* * *

**I Won't Say It: Part 18**

* * *

The expression on the girl's face practically broke Persephone's heart as she watched her step out of the boat and look around in fear.

Granted, the Underworld was the last place any mortal wanted to be, especially a living mortal, but there was something else as well…

She didn't have time to deliberate on the how and why of the situation. Mostly because the scent of the girl had reached Cerberus's three noses.

The giant black dog immediately went into 'stalk' mode, snarling at the mortal and drooling in hunger.

'Cerberus, no. You go find Pain and Panic, 'kay?' For an extra incentive, the goddess of rebirth reached out and scratched one of the dog's ears before disappearing in a flash of light. The last thing the mortal needed was the original dog from hell going after her.

Said dog from hell whined as he saw his newest master disappear. Small, red, and very pretty; master Seph was always kind to him and was always ready to play with him; not like master Hades, or the two squeaky green and puce toys he often tried to eat.

After she had come back home, master Seph had smelt different, like there was something inside her. His instincts had been right after he had found out master Seph was going to have a pup of her own.

His natural instinct to protect the Queen of the Dead was the reason he followed her. If the mortal tried to hurt master Seph or her pup, then he wasn't going to be happy. But he would watch and wait first.

* * *

/After this is over, I'm finding a dog trainer./ Persephone knew full well that Cerberus was following her, if only to make sure she wouldn't get hurt. It was touching in a weird way.

The girl was looking around the palace dock in terrified awe, her fingers clutching the box so tightly that her knuckles were turning white. Considering how pale she was, this was an impressive achievement. And so thin, like she had been starved…

'Hey.'

The girl dropped to her knees in fear and deference, dropping the box.

'Forgive me, I am intruding on the Land of the Dead and the palace of the rulers of the dead.'

'I'm not gonna hurt you, relax.'

She frowned in concern. Something had happened to make this girl petrified of the gods.

'Do you mind if I ask your name?'

She didn't look up. 'I am Psyche, servant of Aphrodite, the goddess of love. I seek an audience with Persephone, Queen of the Dead and the goddess of rebirth on behalf of Aphrodite.'

/Ah. Aphrodite, the woman voted most likely to cause deity-mortal conflict./ She wasn't sure she wanted to know how this poor girl managed to rile the flighty blonde goddess of love.

'If she wanted an audience with the Queen of the Dead, how come she didn't come here in person?'

Psyche didn't answer. She didn't seem to be capable of speech at that point. Persephone took that as her cue and knelt down to look into the young mortal's face, taking her pale hand in her own glowing red palm.

_That_ got a reaction.

She finally got a good look at Psyche's face. Her dark blue eyes were rimmed with tears; her skin cold and almost bone-white; her red-brown hair was matted and limp and she was so thin her bones were clearly visible through her flesh.

But it was what Persephone saw in her eyes that made her flinch.

Fear.

Loss.

Anguish.

Hopelessness.

The girl gasped herself and threw herself back down to the ground. 'L-Lady Persephone…I…I never knew…'

'Shhh. Don't be so scared. I'd never hurt someone who came to see me. And no calling me 'Lady' Persephone. OK, hun?'

'Yes…Persephone.'

'Better.' The goddess of rebirth stood and helped the young woman to stand up, picking up the discarded box.

'Now you're going to come with me, you're going to eat and drink something, I'm gonna make you look more like the lady I know you are, and you can tell me why Little Miss Pink Egocentric sent you here.'

Despite her fear of Aphrodite's wrath, Psyche giggled. It had been a while since someone had been so kind to her, and it had been a long while since she had heard someone being so scornful of the beautiful goddess of love.

* * *

'Let me get this straight. Aphrodite sent you to the Underworld, in order to find me and to get me to give her a piece of my beauty in this box.'

This had to be one of the weirdest propositions she had ever heard. And she'd heard quite a few of them in her life.

Psyche nodded and picked warily at the food on her plate. She hadn't touched any of it, knowing what the food of the dead would do to her. Persephone noticed this and gave her a small smile.

'It's mortal food. I wouldn't want you to eat anything from the kitchens. Unless you feel like spending eternity down here?'

The girl blushed and started eating.

'But…why does Aphrodite want a piece of my beauty for herself? She's way better-looking than I am; it doesn't make sense.'

'…She…she wants some o-of your beauty because…'

Psyche turned away before the goddess could see her weeping. She hated showing weakness, but in the face of the gods and in the face of their power…

Her shoulders shook as she bit back her tears.

Instinctively, Persephone knelt before the girl and held her hands. The tears of this girl unnerved her. She stroked her hair and whispered a few comforting words to the weeping mortal.

'What happened? What did Aphrodite do to you?'

Psyche kept her face hidden as she sniffled back a sob.

'Aphrodite…she…it started when she found out men were forgoing their worship of her in order to worship me. E-every man thought I was as beautiful as she was, but I-I never said it, I never believed it. She sent her son, Eros…he was supposed to make me fall in love with someone, but he…he fell in love with me instead.'

'Ah. And she got a little pissed off?'

The girl smiled weakly. 'More than a little. Eros and I married, but…but I wasn't allowed to see his face. H-he forbade it. When I managed to see him when he was asleep, he was…'

More tears trickled down her thin face.

'Aphrodite took him away from me…s-she was so mad…she said I had to do an impossible task to get back into her favour. Every-every time I finished a task, she got more and more mad…then she…I…'

The goddess of rebirth wrapped her arms tightly around Psyche's shoulders and let her cry, at the same time trying to prevent her own tears from escaping.

* * *

Growing up on Olympus, one of Hades's favourite games had been hide and seek, mostly because he was impossible to find, but also because it had really honked Zeus off when he lost.

Leaning unseen against the frame of the door, the Lord of the Dead kept an ear trained on the conversation in Persephone's study.

Not even the threat of girl stuff would keep him away from his wife in her condition. Plus if the mortal tried anything stupid…But this was interesting. Aphrodite being a malicious bitch and _not_ promoting smooshiness.

That was new.

And she'd turned down a date with _him_?

Hey. Her loss.

* * *

Persephone wiped the girl's tears away as she managed to get some control over her emotions. 'So…why does Aphrodite want some of my beauty?'

'She said she was worn out from tending Eros…she needs the extra beauty. But I'd love to know how that works considering a goddess has a never ending supply of beauty.' Psyche smiled sadly.

'You're right, it isn't logical. But then again, love never is.'

The girl sighed. 'Love. Just like Eros, it was taken away from me, along with all hope.'

The goddess of rebirth raised a dark eyebrow. 'Hope can never be taken away. There was a reason Pandora shut the box. To preserve hope.'

'But what hope do I have? I've lost all I loved and cared about, I've angered Aphrodite, and…Eros…and after this, I'll still remain in Aphrodite's service, one impossible task after another.'

Psyche looked at the slender red goddess. 'How can you do it, and still be strong?'

Confusion sped over Persephone's face. 'How do you mean?'

'You were taken away from all you loved and cared for, and you have to spend half your life here in the land of the dead. How can you be so strong, even after so much?'

'Hope, just like love, is illogical. But you can't have one without the other.'

Psyche frowned.

'When I was abducted, I did everything within my power to escape. When that didn't work, I pleaded with Hades to let me go. He refused point blank. But even after that, I still had hope. Hope that someone would find me, help me escape and preferably give my husband a good kick up the…'

* * *

Still unseen, Hades winced.

* * *

'…But during that time, much as I was trying to hate him, I realised that he wasn't so bad. He cared about me unconditionally, he respected me, and he was the only person who treated me like I was me, not just a goddess. I still had hope of escaping, despite the fact I was starting to like him. When I was found by Hermes and when Zeus said I had to leave, I…I felt torn.'

It felt like fog was lifting in her brain. Psyche nodded. 'With your hope of leaving…love came with it?'

'Exactly. All I had ever hoped for, I received, but along with that hope, I realised I loved Hades. He was part of that hope. He was what kept me going. That's why I took the seeds.'

The goddess of rebirth smiled. 'Just as your love for Eros keeps you going, it gives you hope.'

* * *

The Lord of the Dead quietly moved away from the door, trying to work out what was going on inside his head and his heart.

* * *

A slow, happy smile lit up the girl's face. Persephone immediately understood why men had forsaken the goddess of love for this mortal woman. She was beautiful.

But unlike Aphrodite, she was beautiful inside as well as out.

'Always remember Psyche; your love for Eros, and with it, your hope, they remain with you at all times.'

'Just as your hope and love for Hades remain with you?'

The goddess of rebirth smirked slightly. 'Well…it's a little more literal in my case.'

She placed a hand over the tiny rise of her stomach and gently patted the bump. Psyche's eyes widened in amazement, and then sparkled as she smiled.

'Congratulations.'

'Thank you.'

Her own smile became more determined. 'Now to business. If Pink-and-Pretty wanted this to be an impossible task, she screwed up somewhere.'

Persephone lifted the gold box and raised a hand.

Pure white light filled the small interior, lighting the dark study for a moment.

'One task completed and part of my beauty for Aphrodite in a cute little box. And now my gift to you.' She snapped her fingers.

The frightened skeleton of a servant disappeared, and in her place, a Grecian noblewoman appeared. The dark hair was elegantly curled, her skin glowed with health and her frayed, grubby robes replaced by a sleek white kitan.

Psyche grinned. 'You know Aphrodite won't be pleased about this.'

'Hey, she wants to make a complaint, she can join the queue like everyone else.'

The two women shared a smile. Persephone stood and elegantly walked over to the young woman, placing the box in the mortal's hands. 'You'll need this. And remember what I said. Though if Eros truly loves you, then you'll see him soon.'

'Huh? What do you--?' Her last words went unheard as Psyche disappeared in a flash of light.

/Hesiod, get your scribes on standby, hun./

* * *

For once, no pithy comment could be offered up by his brain to explain what he had heard. It was just complete and pure confusion.

Hades had long since accepted that the only things he was likely to inspire were fear, terror, annoyance and acid indigestion. Hope was a new one.

Love was even stranger.

Ok, _way_ too much deep thinking. Minion torture time.

'PAIN! PANIC!'

The two imps appeared. 'Presented and accounted for, Your Flamefulness. Ready to serve.'

'Yeah, great. Simple instructions this time, boys. You stand there.'

Panic stepped backwards and tripped over Pain, instantly resulting in an argument which left the chubby puce imp in a fairly painful headlock. 'This do boss?'

Two fireballs formed in Hades' hands. 'Good. Now start screaming.'

Like any minions, they were always ready to please.

The yelps and screams of pain echoed round the throne-room.

* * *

The sounds of Pain and Panic getting on the wrong end of Hades's temper weren't hard to miss.

Persephone sighed as she entered the throne-room, grabbed the two imps and threw them out through the window for Cerberus to play with.

'Relax, she's gone.'

'I figured that.' The Lord of the Dead kept his gaze on his wife as she sat in her throne and stretched out.

He didn't beat around the bush. 'Indulge me babe. How exactly do I inspire hope?'

'Great. What happened to you _not_ listening in on my conversations?'

'Morbid curiosity. And answer the question.'

'If you were listening, then you can work it out yourself. But…' The goddess of rebirth studied Hades's face.

'You've always been there when I needed you, you never judged me, you listened to me, you respect me…in short, I love you. And it's because I love you that I have hope. Hope for us, hope for the future, hope for the baby.'

She moved to curl up against Hades. 'Love and hope are illogical. And around you, logic goes bye-bye most of the time.'

'Great. So I'm illogical.'

'Hell, yes. Part of your charm.'

He smirked and held her close. 'Nice save, babe.'

Neither of them moved for a long time after that.

* * *

TBC

* * *

Hades: Is it me, or are these parts getting longer?

Melora: They're getting longer.

Hades: Great. Longer torture.

Melora: Oh, go play in the Phlegethon.

Hades: Make me.


	19. Chapter 19: Lack of sleep does cranky de...

A/N: I think this about the only part which to my mind, didn't need editing. But I could be wrong.

* * *

**Lady Genesis**: Aww, thank you for such a nice review! And yes, Hades is _way_ too oversensitive.

**Crimson Fuchsia**: OK, I already mentioned all this in email format, but 'Understanding Beauty' was my total inspiration for the Psyche retelling. I order everyone to read it and leave a nice review. If you don't I will be forced to set a hungry Cerberus on my reviewers, and you don't really want that. He drools a lot.

**VMorticia**: If you've somehow worked out a way to get online without your computer, hope the PC gets better soon!

* * *

Hades: Ok, you said you were giving up. How come you're still here?

Melora: I said I was giving up trying to make you bugger off. Sadly, you're still here and still being a pain in the arse.

Hades: I resent that.

Melora: You resent everything.

Hades: I resent that too.

* * *

Disclaimer: I own Seph and the kid. Otherwise, no own, no lawyer, no sue.

/.../ denotes thoughts

Hades's lil' dream is indicated like so: (…). Yes, I _am_ insane to even try this, but what the hell.

* * *

**I Won't Say It: Part 19**

* * *

This was not fair.

This was soooo not fair.

The morning sickness, weight gain and moods swings; those she could cope with.

Getting kicked, punched and head-butted in several assorted organs hadn't exactly been mentioned. A few movements were fair enough, but during the past few days it had felt like the Battle of Thermopylae was being re-enacted in her gut.

Currently, the five-month-old foetus in question was launching a daring three-pronged assault on her pancreas. Due to the feeling of acid indigestion around her ribcage, Persephone had concluded the kid had inherited some of its father's less charming physical traits.

The full head of flames being one of them.

Rolling over for about the fifth time, the goddess of rebirth sighed and watched her unresponsive better half peacefully snore. Despite her exhaustion, she repressed a smile.

How exactly it was possible to for Hades to both chew on a pillow and suck his thumb was beyond her. But he did look quite sweet.

But if she wasn't allowed to get any sleep, then he wasn't getting any sleep.

* * *

( _This_ was the afterlife.

Swiping the sun from Jerkules had been almost too easy. Not that the Lord of the Dead was complaining. The Underworld definitely looked a lot better from behind a pair of shades.

Settling back into his sun-lounger, Hades contentedly downed his third pϊna colada and readjusted his visor. He hadn't had this many solar rays since Zeus's induction as king of the gods.

The celebrations were still a blur even after eleven hundred years. There was a vague remembrance of being welcomed to the island by the Club 18-Immortal rep, then the sangria, then…

One week, and he'd come back to the big basement with a rather…suggestively shaped sunburn (courtesy of a drunken Zeus and Bacchus), a case full of sangria, a wicker donkey _avéc_ sombrero, a raging hangover, and the loss of his short-term memory.

Now _that_ had been a party.

Admittedly the Balearics would probably never recover from said party, but at least they'd been pretty decent about the damage waiver.

Nap time called. After a short wrestling match with the chair, the Lord of the Dead settled down to a long sun-drenched snooze.

At least he would have if something wasn't kicking him in the back… )

* * *

Reality is not a fun thing to be faced with most of the time.

Especially not at 2:30 in the morning.

And especially not when you have a mouthful of feathers and you have no idea how they got there.

Spitting out at least half the filling of his pillow, Hades blearily looked around as he tried to find the cause of his untimely awakening.

He didn't have to look very far to find said cause. Since the cause appeared to be floating around in Seph's stomach, he relaxed slightly, fixing his reclining wife with a look that clearly said, 'I'm awake. I'm grouchy. And if you were anyone else I'd kill ya.'

Somehow she always knew exactly what those looks meant. 'Hey. You think you're having a bad time? I gotta carry this kid 24/7. Bruised internals and all.'

'Try this purely for the novelty value. Be positive. It's only another few months.'

'Uh-huh. During which the kid'll be beating my innards to hell and back, I'll be eating any and all kinds of gross food, my hormones'll be swinging from the ceiling, and I'll eventually look like the side of an agora.'

Persephone rubbed a hand over her rapidly swelling stomach and tried not to imagine what she would look like come the end of the pregnancy.

A blue-grey hand captured her slender red fingers and started massaging the knuckles. 'You won't look like the side of an agora, babe. You'll look like a mom. 'S what you're gonna be.'

Hades lifted her onto his lap and helped her drape her arms across his shoulders. She was so tired she was having trouble moving.

Keeping her supported with one hand, he rubbed her lower back, feeling various tense muscles loosening under his touch. The kid definitely wasn't making life easy for its mom right now. Admittedly he wasn't complaining about Seph needing him more than normal, but when both of them were exhausted, it took a lot to restrain his moods.

Persephone sighed as the various aches and pains along her spine slowly disappeared under Hades's hands. Now _this_ was relaxing, so much that she nestled into her husband's shoulder, her head resting against his neck, and let her eyes drift shut in exhaustion.

Both the deities felt the kick near Persephone's liver. It seemed the baby had other ideas about letting its parents get some sleep.

The goddess of rebirth winced. 'Ow.'

'Now I felt that one.' Sliding a hand between their bodies, the Lord of the Dead felt another, softer kick against his palm. For such a small life, it had a hell of a lot of strength.

/Time for a father-brat talk./

He settled Persephone back against the mattress and studied the growing rise of her stomach, still resting his hand where the last kick had been. Even through the muscles, the kid would presumably be able to hear anything he said.

'Ok, short stuff. _You_ might like moving about in there, but your mom and I need some kip. All forms of internal torture are daytime activities. Night-time is sleep-time. Capiche?'

Persephone wisely decided not to comment.

Especially since the baby's movements had stopped and she was _very_ comfortable half-dozing against Hades's shoulder while his free hand was stroking her hair.

Maybe there was hope for this kid after all.

* * *

TBC

* * *

Hades: So how long are you gonna try to prolong this?

Melora: As long as it takes for the baby to arrive.

Hades: So I should be worried then?

Melora: Oh, hell yes.


	20. Chapter 20: A conference with Meg

A/N: By this point originally, I had received my A-Level results and got into university. Considering that was almost five years ago…scary.

* * *

**VMorticia**: Glad you liked the last chapter. Is the PC still in recovery?

**Crimson Fuchsia**: My mom absolutely loved Hades's lil' dream. Based on her input, labour is a bitch whether mortal or immortal, but the comedy possibilities are amazing. And yes, I want the wicker donkey.

**Lady Genesis**: I like doing cute. Hades hates it, but he does do cute and romantic _very_ occasionally.

* * *

Hades: Note the word 'occasionally.' _Her _translation of 'occasionally' means 'every second chapter.'

Melora: You just happen to do cute very well.

Hades: I'm the God of the Dead. I do not _do_ cute.

Melora: If I say you do the evil overlord thing even better than how you do cute, will that stop you whining?

Hades: No…Well. Maybe a little.

* * *

Disclaimer: I own Seph and the baby. Oh, and Meg's baby as well. Sort of. Anything else never will be mine, unless I become exceedingly rich and famous and ever get to voice act.

/.../ denotes thoughts

* * *

**I Won't Say It: Part 20**

* * *

The Queen of the Dead had most definitely left the building.

For a supposedly unbreakable marriage contract of cosmic proportions, Persephone not only managed to break said contract repeatedly, but she got away with it because of the kid and the fact she could charm just about anything out of the Olympians.

/Women. Oy./

The only indication of her whereabouts was a piece of parchment lying on her throne with inkblots and something that looked like salad dressing covering its surface. Opting to indulge his wife for once, Hades cast a semi-intrigued eye over the note.

_Hades,_

_Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, I know. Unbreakable contract, sacred duty, obedient wife, seven months pregnant, responsibilities, yadda yadda yadda… Like you don't try to find loopholes in your agreements?_

_And don't give me that look._

_Even the best of us need a little break. Gone up to Olympus to see Megara. Girl stuff. Back later._

_Love ya,_

_Seph._

_PS: There's stuffed olive loaf in the kitchen before you start complaining about being maltreated._

_PPS: Sorry about the mess. I was the victim of a working lunch._

Megara.

Great. Little nut-Meg was back in the picture.

* * *

Sometimes a girl really needs her best friend.

Especially when a girl and her best friend are both very pregnant, very hormonal and desperate to have a break from their confused, well-meaning, but seriously over-protective husbands.

How exactly Hades managed to be protective of anyone but himself still baffled Meg. But apparently Persephone fell under that category.

Despite the fact that she wasn't born a goddess, Hercules had insisted that she be made immortal if he was to live on Olympus. It hadn't taken much persuasion. Under the puppy-dog eyes Herc had perfected during his time on Earth, Zeus had caved almost immediately. Meg was now the newly appointed goddess of devotion.

A little disconcerting, but she was still with her Wonder Boy, and in a few months time, Wonder Boy or Meg Jnr. was due to arrive.

* * *

'Question.' The two goddesses were reclining on cloud couches while a few random cherubs fluttered around making sure that their goblets were filled, cushions were plumped and the mothers-to-be were generally spoilt rotten.

'Hmm?' Persephone glanced over at her best friend.

'Made any firm choices on names?'

The goddess of rebirth rolled her eyes. 'Don't even start. I've got the name picked out for a boy, but Flame Boy's insistent that if it's a girl, it's getting named Pandora.'

'And the twisted logic behind _that_ is?'

'I just decided it was safer not to ask.'

'Smart move.' Meg bit back a tirade of remarks about the deadpan God of the Dead. She still hated him for what he had done to Hercules and to herself. The only consolation was, since he had married, Hades's personality had marginally improved.

Marginally being the operative word.

'So have _you_ sorted a girl's name yet?'

'I didn't like it much at first, but Chaos sounds pretty good.'

The goddess of devotion raised an eyebrow. 'Ooooh, now I _really_ wanna say something here…and I couldn't be bothered.'

'I know, I know. Predictable. But I'm pretty sure it's a boy, so nothing much to worry about.'

Persephone studied her friend's swollen stomach. 'And your contenders for names are?'

Meg smirked. 'Not many. The only name we could agree on was Hyllus.'

'Yeah. And I'm _sure_ Hercules'll come round to it in time.'

'I like to think I'm not _that_ transparent.'

'You're not. I just know you too well.' The two goddesses traded smirks and settled back.

One thing was still niggling at the younger goddess's mind.

'So when are you gonna tell Hades about what the Fates told you?'

'I'm still trying to decide which is funnier. Surprise or dread.'

'Knowing that these two will wind up being friends or being horrified that these two will wind up being friends…I say, go for surprise.'

'Good call. And what are you telling Herc?'

'I prefer to let nature take its course.'

'Translation: Not saying anything until these two stop beating up our innards.'

'Close enough. I was following the surprise course of action.' Meg winced as the as-yet-unborn Wonder Boy Jnr. tackled her bladder.

'I swear, if this kid takes after his daddy…'

'Hey. You try having a kid who has a full head of flames before it's even born.'

'Ouch.'

'Precisely.'

* * *

Trying to apparate is no easy task at the best of times.

If the person attempting to apparate is seven months pregnant and trying to return to the Underworld…stuff happens. The only consolation was, at least she hadn't turned a weird shade of blue again.

That and instead of appearing in her throne, Persephone ended up landing in Hades's lap.

Despite his surprise, the Lord of the Dead still kept a smirk on his face. 'Comfy?'

'Oh yeah.'

'So what was with the visit to see nut-Meg?'

'Like I said, girl stuff.'

'Which means the other brat's almost ready to turn up. Great.'

Hades's smirk downgraded to a glare. Another immortal baby. That would mean all the attention his kid so rightfully deserved would be taken away from it and given to Jerkules's brat. Lousy little…

'Don't even _finish_ that thought.'

'Ok. Explain how you can do that.'

'Do what?'

'The psychic thought prediction thing.'

'Female intuition. That and you always pout when you sulk. It's cute in a weird way.'

The grey and blue god settled for raising an eyebrow.

'I know. Don't call the Lord of the Dead cute.'

/Damn, she's good./ The smirk returned. Persephone rolled her eyes and shot a look at her husband. Said look disappeared immediately as they kissed. Hades's affectionate side didn't often emerge, but when it did, she wasn't complaining.

A lack of air forced them to reluctantly part. The goddess of rebirth sighed and curled up closer to her sullen partner. 'Before you even start, I know what that meant.'

'So...?'

'I know you love me, but you're still eating that olive loaf.'

It was Hades's turn to sigh. 'Hey, I tried.'

* * *

TBC

* * *

Hades: Since when am I predictable?

Melora: Hey. I'm the author. I am technically a goddess. I make the rules.

Hades: If you're a goddess, then can I be turned mortal?

Melora: No.

Hades: If you're immortal, then there's no way I'm spending eternity with you, babe.

Melora: Ouch. And don't call me babe.


	21. Chapter 21: Prince of the Underworld

A/N: And now, the chapter you've all been waiting for and I have been incessantly threatened by fellow authors to write…

* * *

**VMorticia**: Stop picking holes in my logic.

**Crimson Fuchsia**: Yes, your pyromaniac dancing starfish _was_ the one who was threatening me, so this should keep it happy for a while.

**Lady Genesis**: Yes, I went to your site. Aww, family picture, family picture! Better get working on it now…

* * *

Melora: And here I was wondering where all the chocolate cookies went.

Hades: I panic-eat under stress.

Melora: How can you be stressed? Seph's the one having the kid, not you.

Hades: So I eat when I'm nervous.

Melora: You're actually worried? Aww, bless!

* * *

Disclaimer: I own Seph, her kid and Meg's kid. Anything else lies in Disney's fluffy, steel-like clutches.

/.../ denotes thoughts

* * *

**I Won't Say It: Part 21**

* * *

If a pregnancy felt like this in the final months, she would definitely think about trying for another kid. Maybe it was just the thought of the baby actually arriving, but Persephone was in a remarkably good mood.

Ok, so any form of bedroom intimacy was out of the question, bending down to pick anything up wasn't particularly easy and she did feel slightly nauseous, but hey! What good were minions unless they did any form of menial or uncomfortable task?

And boy, did Seph have enough of them.

* * *

Pain was almost certain he had lost about three pounds just running back and forth from the kitchens to the throne-room. Panic definitely had the easier job in his opinion. Fluffing pillows and keeping Cerberus's heads out of the windows was the good life. And he got to watch the TV as a bonus.

Wheezing and trying to balance a platter of fruit as he entered the double doors of the throne-room, the chubby purple imp cast a look at the goddess of rebirth as she flicked the remote onto Channel 8 and settled back to watch 'Sophocles's Choice'.

'A small snack, Your Maliciousness-ness.'

The small snack disappeared in about four seconds flat, as did the Tartarus Vision.

'Ok, bored now.'

Nearly bouncing up from her throne, Persephone stretched and went to stand by the window, scratching one of Cerberus's six ears.

In all truth, she was beyond bored. Hades was at one of his staff meetings, so there was no one she could otherwise annoy. Apparating on Olympus was out of the question since she was nearly due.

Torturing minions however…

Well, there was that new mace Hades had given her for their anniversary that just screamed to be used…

She smirked. At least it would keep her busy for a while.

'Pain? Panic? Could you boys just stand a _little_ more to the left and start begging for your lives?'

Pain and Panic shared a resigned look. And started screaming.

* * *

Persephone smirked as she reflected on the little dose of carnage she had managed to rain down.

At least until she felt something warm running down her leg.

* * *

If and when something went wrong in the Underworld, it really was better not to know about it.

When it concerned the torture masters of Tartarus…yeesh. Those guys had ethics that would've raised eyebrows in the court of Agamemnon.

Maybe some imp torture would help.

'PAIN! PANIC!'

For the first time in over eight hundred years, the winged duo didn't come running at the bellow of the Lord of the Dead.

Someone was going to get very badly burnt for this. And whoever hadn't mopped up the puddle in the throne-room was so getting a pay cut.

Ok, something had happened. This little mess had a trail. Either the mutt had gotten into the palace again or…

Oh boy.

Puddle.  
Seph.  
Brat being born.  
Brat being born _now_.

Hades instinctively disappeared in a rush of flames.

* * *

Persephone closed her eyes and dug her fingers into the sheets as she felt another contraction building.

Deep cleansing breaths. Deep cleansing breaths. Deep cleansing…

/Oh, _balls_ to this…/ '**HADES!**'

Timing was not exactly on her side as she yelled out for her husband. Especially since he had appeared right next to her right before she had screamed.

Hades winced and dug a finger into his ear in an attempt to regain his hearing. 'You bellowed?'

The goddess of rebirth relaxed and sighed as the contraction passed. 'Remind me _why _we chose to have a family?'

'Because of the way we _get_ a family.'

'I had a feeling that was it.' Persephone managed to lift her lower body and shifted into a more comfortable position.

Well, as comfortable as you can get while in early labour and the newest member of the family is kicking your stomach to shreds.

'Where's the shrimps?'

'Getting my mom, Artemis and Illithysia.'

The Lord of the Dead groaned. 'Great. So in between fussing over you, I get beaten up by a semi-psycho overprotective goddess of the plants who blames me entirely for this little situation.'

'It's either that or having to suffer screaming pains around your gut for the next few hours until this kid makes its first appearance.'

The nonplussed look appeared. 'On reflection, I'll take the mother-in-law.'

She smirked despite her extreme discomfort. 'Good call.'

Conveniently, another contraction began.

'Ow…ow…owowow OW!' Gritting her teeth, Persephone grabbed the first thing within reach.

Which happened to be Hades's neck.

Illithysia, Artemis, Demeter, Pain and Panic turned up just as she started digging her nails into her husband's jugular. The plump green goddess made no attempt to prise her daughter away from the God of the Dead. In her opinion, getting the immortality choked out of him was the least he deserved for what he had done to her little Sephy.

The goddess of the hunt settled herself beside her goddaughter and managed to pull one of Seph's hands away from Hades's throat while Illithysia briefly examined her. 'Shhh, it's ok, keep focussing, you're doing fine…'

'Yeah…focussing on the fact I seem to be giving birth to a hippo.'

Demeter stroked her daughter's hair and smiled in recollection. 'It just feels like that. But you're doing brilliantly, sweetie.'

The contraction passed as the goddess of rebirth slumped back against the pillows and let go of her husband. Hades gratefully massaged his neck and glared at his wife.

'And you couldn't just crush my hand?'

Illithysia looked up from her pre-natal examination. 'She could've grabbed something a lot more painful. Just be grateful it was your neck.'

As one, the three males in the room winced and crossed their legs. The redheaded goddess of childbirth smiled and stood up. Her natural empathy took over as she leaned over and tucked a strand of hair behind her patient's ear.

'I know it hurts honey, but you'll be fine. There's still a while before your body's going to be ready to give birth, so just try to get as comfortable as you can.'

Persephone sighed. 'So how long until I'm ready?'

'Maybe a few hours, maybe a few days. It depends on the person.'

'A few _days_? Oh great. _Just_ great.'

She glared at her husband. 'Look what you've done to me.'

'Pardon me?'

She nodded towards her _very_ swollen abdomen and resumed glaring. 'Well?'

Hades raised an eyebrow. 'I don't wanna make a rush observation. Just give me a couple more hours.'

This earned him a fist in the face. More accurately, it earned him one hell of a black eye.

'Yeah, ok, fine, well, I deserved that.'

'Uh-huh. Since I happen to be having your child, could you just try being a little more supportive?'

'Supportive how?'

'Just…just don't leave me…'

For all of her attitude and cynicism, giving birth frightened Persephone a lot. If Hades left now…

Risking yet another fist in the face and choosing to ignore the fact that there were other people around, Hades pulled her into a loose embrace and kissed her forehead. 'Hey. There's no way I'd leave you like this, babe.'

Out of respect for the rulers of the Underworld, the various deities and imps looked away for a brief moment.

At least until the goddess of rebirth had another contraction.

Hades spent the next twenty minutes trying to regain the feeling in his right hand.

* * *

'So whose go is it?'

Pain grabbed the dice away from Panic. 'Mine.'

'Mine.'

'Nuh-uh! Mine!'

'Mine!'

'Guys, chill. Anyway…' With sweat pouring down her face from the last contraction, the goddess of rebirth leaned over and removed the dice from the grasp of the chubby purple imp.

'…It's my go.'

Two hours had passed and boredom had long since set in. And when five deities and two imps start playing Monopoly, tedium hits a new level.

'Ok, landed on…chance space…'You have won second prize in a beauty contest…'

Hades repressed a smirk.

'…Smash the imps over the heads with the bank.' Pain and Panic found themselves being violently attacked with several hundred wooden drachmas and the store of houses.

Demeter looked up at the sound of the squeals. 'It does _not_ say that. Honestly…'

The Lord of the Dead read the parchment. 'Nope, she's right. 'That's what it says.'

Artemis joined in. 'Please. It's in red ink over the words.'

The goddess of rebirth winced and panted as she felt a contraction build. They had been getting stronger and more regular for the past half-hour. 'But we had to…change the rules 'cos…Monopoly's so boring!'

Panic retrieved a hotel embedded in his skull and searched through the rest of the cards. ''Congratulations. It is your birthday. You may set fire to Panic's bed'.'

Illithysia smirked and looked at the next card. ''Get Out Of Jail Free card. You may keep this card, sell it or shove it through Pain's skull'. Interesting concept.'

Hades shrugged. 'Hey. I conceptualise well.'

'Conceptualise this…'

Persephone gritted her teeth and grabbed Hades's hand. 'This contraction ain't passing…_Mooooom_!!'

The game was immediately abandoned as Demeter rushed to hold her daughter's hand. Artemis and Illithysia settled at the foot of the bed and ran a quick examination on the goddess. Pain and Panic opted to retreat to a safe distance.

The goddess of the hunt pulled a clean robe over her head and started massaging Persephone's stomach. 'Little one, you can now give birth.'

Hades rolled his eyes in sheer irritation. 'Whaddya think she's been trying to do for the last three hours?'

Illithysia knelt on the bed, ready to catch the baby once it emerged. 'I know, I know. Seph, now whenever you feel a contraction, I want you to push as hard as you can. Can you do that for me?'

'It…hurts…can't…do…this…' She was looking more and more exhausted.

The goddess of the plants squeezed her hand. 'I know it hurts sweetheart. But it'll all be over soon and we're all here for you.'

'…Yeah…aaaahhhh…aaaahhhh…AHHHHHH!' Tears leaked out of Persephone's eyes as she pushed, gripping onto her mother's and Hades's hands.

Demeter simply gripped back. 'That's it sweetie, just keep doing it…'

'Aaaaahhhhhhhh!' It felt like her whole body was being split in half.

'You're doing brilliantly, now another big push…' Artemis had moved to the business end of the operation, busy keeping an eye out for the head.

'AhhhhhhHHHHH… I _swear_ Hades, if you _ever_ do this to me _again_…!!' Between pushes, the goddess of rebirth managed to launch a tirade on Hades covering his ancestry, his personal qualities and the various things she intended to do to her husband given time and the right equipment (including, but not limited to; fire-ants, poison-tipped spears, a catapult, red-hot pokers and a good quality meat cleaver.).

'…And NAIL IT TO THE **WALL**!!'

Artemis gently squeezed her foot, ending her tirade. 'Ok, we need you to pant for the head; if you look down, you'll be able to see the baby emerge.'

The goddess of the plants and the Lord of the Dead managed to help Persephone into a sitting position and watched in amazement. As the goddess's body shook with exertion, a small dark head covered in flames started to emerge.

The goddess of childbirth carefully supported the head and looked up at Persephone. 'Another push and it's all over.'

Tears and sweat were now coursing down the goddess's face. But the sight of that little head somehow strengthened her. That was her baby…her little baby…

The last of her strength went into a final push.

She screamed.

But this time, another scream followed it.

'WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!'

Now that sounded good.

* * *

All Hades was capable of at that moment was staring. Any and all pithy comments totally failed him as he kept his arms wrapped around his exhausted and ecstatic wife.

That little bundle of blankets resting in Seph's arms was his child.

He had a child.

A living, breathing, _loud_, tiny baby boy.

A son.

_His_ son.

He was a father.

After eight months of waiting and several hundred years of blind hope, he was finally a father.

He had helped to create that tiny little life. Pride didn't even come close to describing what he was feeling.

* * *

Persephone sighed in pure happiness and leant into her husband's arms. Despite being utterly drained of energy, she stayed awake to watch her baby boy. Her perfect little boy.

Jet black and gold flames covered his tiny head. His face looked exactly like his mother's, but with his father's light grey skin instead of deep red. She had only seen them once before he had dozed off, but his eyes were dark brown, just like hers.

Unaware of his parents' undivided attention, the baby sighed and curled up closer to his mother's chest. It would be a good few years before he would truly understand who he was.

And until then, Bremos, son of Hades and Persephone, Crown Prince of the Underworld and god of the undead, slept undisturbed under his parents' gaze.

* * *

TBC

* * *

Melora: Ok, what's wrong now?

Hades: …I'm a daddy…

Melora: Wait a sec…Are you crying?

Hades: No I am not!

Melora: You are! Aww, c'mere!

Hades: Get off me, you insane madwoman.


	22. Chapter 22: Minion Torture 101

A/N: Awww, I love it when I get reviews like the ones I got for the last chapter. I luv you all!

* * *

**Crimson Fuchsia**: Yes, I know the last part was sweet. And as for lessons in imp-torture…well, just read on. And thank you muchly for the choccy stash replenishment.

**VMorticia**: Ok…can we say 'vampire-obsessed' much? Don't blame you really. Heh.

**The Angel Of Music**: Hades was a little misty-eyed after that and he's never going to forgive me either. And ya know, I can deal with that because _he_ can't do _anything_ about it. At least you also understand about the annoying muse deal.

**YunCyn**: Hey, glad you like! And yes, it is cute.

**Carmilla de Lestace**: Again, yes, he is cute. And here's your next part.

**Sara Marie**: Am I detecting the cuteness-o-meter of Hades being a daddy going through the roof?

**Lady Genesis**: No, I won't throw any heavy blunt objects at your head, but I really wanna see the piccies!

**Solitareone**: At least everyone likes the name Bremos. And don't worry, I am still writing this. I got a new form of Hades-torture!

* * *

Hades: Jeez, you father one kid and the universe suddenly thinks you're a big cute fluffy creampuff.

Melora: If it's any consolation, I don't.

Hades: Forgive me if I'm not impressed.

Melora: Pardon me? I just said you're not a 'big cute fluffy creampuff'!

Hades: You're insane. That doesn't count.

* * *

Disclaimer: Do I have to keep doing this? Ok; I own Seph, Bremos and Meg's kid. Anything else belongs to various Disney-type people.

/.../ denotes thoughts

* * *

**I Won't Say It: Part 22**

* * *

A casual observer would be forgiven for thinking they had just walked in on a live reproduction of the Battle of Marathon.

Then again, there wasn't much difference between said carnage and the average torture hour courtesy of Hades.

But this little imp-smiting session had a purpose, other than to cheer up the Lord of the Dead. If the Prince of the Underworld was going to gain everyone's fear and respect, he had to learn how to torture minions effectively.

And when it came to minion torture, Hades was second to none.

Since Seph was paying a visit to Olympus, it also counted as father-son bonding time.

* * *

Flames shot across the ceiling and floor as the two imps ran around in smouldering circles. Pain was so well cooked that all he needed was to be rotating on a spit with an apple in his mouth and a few luaus for decoration (1). In the meantime, Panic was trying and failing to extinguish the flames burning his butt and his tail.

None of this remotely disturbed the two-week-old Bremos. The newborn Prince of the Underworld was safely propped up on the chessboard, squealing with delight every time his father scored a direct hit on the imps.

Hades's smirk grew steadily wider with every one of his son's squeals. The kid was definitely getting the right idea vis-à-vis evisceration, soul torture, all the basics of controlling the dead, but a little clarification was needed on the subject of minion torture.

Leaning against the chessboard, he created a small fireball and held it up so that Bremos could see it.

'See, when you're roasting minions, you really just gotta let yourself go, ya know; arms extended, head thrown back, lots of booga booga booga…like so.'

The roar and flames Hades produced appeared to be on loan from hell. As such, Pain and Panic were almost grateful to wind up in the Phlegethon.

Almost being the operative word.

* * *

The Lord of the Dead contentedly watched the imps sail into the river of fire. A small gurgle immediately drew his attention back to his son. The Prince of the Underworld was holding his little arms up to his father along with a look that clearly said, 'I got a good set of pipes here and I'm gonna use 'em if I don't get some TLC.'

It was the exact same look the goddess of rebirth pulled on him when she wanted something. He'd never been able to resist it. When applied to Bremos…

/Oy. I swear I'm going soft…/

Acting on instinct, Hades managed to pick his son up the way Persephone had shown him. The first few times he had held the kid hadn't exactly been successful. Damn, but Bremos could scream. He had clearly inherited his mother's lungs.

The little god's attention was instantly drawn to the stylised skull pin on his father's robes. He chewed on it a few times before he decided it didn't taste too good and gazed up at Hades instead.

The Lord of the Dead was not a being that was habitually stared at, mostly because he obliterated those who did. His wife was one of the few who could get away with it, but even then it felt odd.

Bremos…

Bremos was different. Over the past two weeks, he had been doing everything in his power to make sure the kid's attention was focussed on him whenever Seph and the rest of the godsquad weren't around.

Having someone around who wasn't remotely afraid of him or his powers was a rarity.

But it felt pretty good.

* * *

It felt so weird being separated from her son for this length of time. Then again, she'd been carrying him around inside of her for the past eight months, so it was bound to feel a little disconcerting.

Right now though, Persephone was training all of her maternal instincts towards fussing over her new grandnephew.

The goddess of rebirth sat on the edge of Meg's couch and tickled the baby's stomach. Of course Bremos was the most adorable in her opinion, but Hyllus definitely took after his father in the looks department.

'If I didn't have a baby of my own, I'd be turning very broody right about now.'

'You wouldn't be saying that if _you'd_ just given birth to him. I swear I've still got footprints in my liver.'

Even after a week, Meg was still exhausted from giving birth. Unlike her best friend, her labour had only lasted twenty minutes before her son made his debut. Hercules had nearly passed out when Hyllus had screamed for the first time.

'Ah. So the super strength's genetic?'

'Correct. Ow didn't even come close to covering it.'

Having completely refused to leave his wife and son, Hercules picked up his wriggling offspring and adopted his well-practised innocent look. 'So he can't control his strength yet. He just wanted to see his mommy for the first time.'

Meg raised an eyebrow. 'All well and good, but I do not appreciate him using my innards as leverage.'

'Aww, he didn't mean it, did you Hyllus?'

The god of strength waved his fingers in front of his son's face and smiled as Hyllus managed to grab his thumb, liberally coating it in drool. He was so proud of this little god he had helped to make.

Trying not to disturb the touching father-son bonding scene, the goddesses of rebirth and devotion kept their voices lowered.

'He's been like this ever since Hyllus arrived. The ultimate picture of cuteness.'

Persephone sighed. 'Ditto Hades. First time father syndrome.'

'The Lord of the Dead? Acting like a daddy?'

Meg tried not to laugh at the mental images that sprang to mind. 'Ok, who are you and what have you done with Hades?'

She smirked lecherously. 'I could probably enlighten you, but I don't really feel like scarring you for life.'

'Thank you _so_ much for that.'

The slender red goddess shrugged. 'Hey, I try.'

The light of the sunset caught her eye. 'Speaking of Hades, I've gotta leave. I'll bring my little terror up when you're back on your feet.'

'You think you can prise him away from Hades for that long?'

'It'll be an experiment. See ya, mommy.' A snap of her fingers and Persephone disappeared in a flash of white light.

Meg rolled her eyes and laughed as she looked over towards her husband. Hyllus had finally decided it was naptime and had dozed off in Hercules's arms. A soft smile lit up her features as her two favourite boys sat down next to her.

The tiredness receded for the time being as the god of strength held her and their little boy in his arms.

* * *

The now-familiar sounds of the pup crying for his mummy hit Cerberus's ears as he woke up from his favourite dream about chasing the Nemean Lion.

Attentive as always, the giant black guard dog bounded towards the pup's room and managed to force all three of his heads through the window.

Bremos was lying in his strange black basket, howling at the top of his lungs. The black and gold flames covering his little head had turned orange just like his skin.

Cerberus whimpered. He didn't like it when the pup cried out for something and no one was around to get him what he needed. He stretched his necks out until he could lick the pup and stop his tears.

He didn't have much luck. Bremos just kept crying.

His three canine brains had been awake long enough to form a plan. The very charred green and purple toys might be able to help if he couldn't find master Hades…

A pretty flash of white light shone before his three noses and master Seph appeared. _She_ would be able to stop the pup from crying! He managed to tug his necks out of the window and watched with interest.

* * *

Sparing a moment to pat Cerberus's middle head, the goddess of rebirth lifted Bremos out of his crib and settled him against her shoulder, his screams gradually being replaced with various baby noises. Since she had only been gone for a couple of hours, Persephone knew her son didn't need another feed. He just wanted his mommy to fuss over him for a while.

Perching on the edge of the window-seat, she settled her son against a pile of black cushions and smiled as Cerberus started to thoroughly 'groom' the Prince of the Underworld with one of his tongues. No matter how often she tried to convince the giant dog that his newest little master didn't need any extra baths, Cerberus was convinced that the only proper kind of wash for anyone, pup or not, was by tongue. (2)

Bremos giggled at the giant dog's ministrations and reached his arms up to his mother. Persephone didn't need any encouragement. She settled him back in her arms and wound an errant lock of black flame around her finger.

'So were you a good boy for your daddy? Was he teaching you how to flame-grill minions?'

The smell of smoke and sulphur hit her nostrils as the Lord of the Dead conveniently appeared right behind her, pulling his wife and son into a smoky embrace. 'Flame-grilling, disembowelment, amputation; all the basics. He even put 'em into practice.'

'Translation: he can now create sparks thanks to you.'

Hades shrugged. 'What can I say? The kid's a fast learner.'

The goddess of rebirth reluctantly extracted herself from the embrace and placed her son back into his crib. 'So if minion torture and afterlife torture are the basics, do I want to know what your idea of more advanced teaching is?'

'Eh…Olympian usurpation?'

Persephone raised an eyebrow and smirked. 'You are _way_ too persistent for your own good.'

'So I'm persistent.' His arms transformed into smoky tendrils as he pulled his wife close enough to kiss her.

'Just part of my charm.'

* * *

TBC

(1) I was sitting here writing this in a Hawaiian shirt. I got a little inspired.

(2) My grandparents' old Alsatian did exactly the same thing when it came to my little cousin.

* * *

Hades: That thing is not a Hawaiian shirt. I've seen towels that look more tropical than that.

Melora: Excuse me? Palm trees, sand, sea and multicoloured surfboards? That says 'Hawaiian' to me.

Hades: No. That says 'asylum' to me.

Melora: This coming from someone who wears a glorified black under-sheet.


	23. Chapter 23: Support Services: Take Two

A/N: I'm seriously trying to trim down the review responses from this point since frankly, there's a lot of them!

* * *

**Dragonsbane**: Relax, plot developments are occurring. They just take a while to write.

**Alex**: Yay, newbie! Nice to hear from you and keep reading.

**Jurious**: Indeed, Hades is frankly adorable as a daddy.

**Crimson Fuchsia**: Pain and Panic definitely have it worse. Bremos is immortal, and…well, look who he has for a dad. At least your little brother's mortal. Plus he should be outgrowing the bratty stage in another few years…I'm not selling this very well, am I?

**VMorticia**: Hey, I love Cerberus. Big dense drooling three-headed mutt that he is.

**Sara Marie**: I've never taken any courses in Greek mythology, but Latin was a three-year compulsory subject at my school. Didn't stop me failing it for a year, but still, I loved all the legends. That and my mom's a historian - I blame my love of mythology mostly on her. Sorry Mom!

**Damian**: Evil always wins. Good is stupid, and evil pays better. My recommendation for shutting the muse up for a while is threatening it with a family. Hey, it worked on Hades.

* * *

Hades: No it didn't.

Melora: Pardon me? You passed out after telling me I was, and I quote, 'an insane ranting perverted wench'.

Hades: Put it this way. At least I didn't write 'I am a fish' five hundred times, or do a funny little dance before I hit the rug.

Melora: I _knew_ you were watching my DVDs.

Hades: Hey. Even I need a break from your sense of humour, or lack thereof.

* * *

Disclaimer: Seph, Bremos and Hyllus are all mine. Take them and I may be forced to hurt you. Anything else…ain't my stuff! BTW, I don't own the song 'Shooting Star' by Boyzone; copyrighted Disney song and all that.

/.../ denotes thoughts

* * *

**I Won't Say It: Part 23**

* * *

THUNK

THUNK

THUNK

The noise of Hades's irritation echoed around the throne-room.

There had to be another reason immortality existed other than this.

Keeping cosmic harmony, fair enough.

Keeping the Underworld running, possibly.

But recruiting new support shlubs…oy.

* * *

Said minion search was not progressing well. All the Lord of the Dead had achieved so far was a remarkably painful migraine from where he kept whacking his head into his desk.

The added bonus, of course, was that Seph and Bremos weren't around to take his mind off his little problem. Spring and Demeter had made a very unwelcome reappearance in the Underworld a few days ago, demanding that the goddess of rebirth return to Olympus. Even pleading parenthood hadn't changed the mind of the plant goddess.

Getting separated from his wife was one thing. Being prised away from his son was another.

Bremos was the only reason he had even considered demonic replenishment. Inspiring night terrors in Pain and Panic was all well and good, but the kid would need his own minions after a while.

Hence the agora-sized headache. And he was only halfway through the damn list.

Medusa. /Snake girl. Fat chance./

Chimera. /Too many heads. Plus that smell…yeesh./

Memnon. /The guy couldn't even off Achilles. Pass./

Polyphemus. /A big one-eyed thing who wants paid in goats. Next./

Sheer tedium exited stage right as Hades recognised two names near the bottom of the scroll. /Not again…/

'PAIN! PANIC!'

The two imps tripped over each other as they tore into the throne-room. 'Ready to serve, Your Most Negativeness.'

'Yeah, great.' The Lord of the Dead smouldered slightly and threw the scroll straight at Panic's head. 'Mind explaining what Echidna's playing at?'

Pain looked at the list over Panic's shoulder before he saw the names. 'Hey, the twins are up for work again. Cool.'

'Ooh, where?'

Hades's nervous tic was stating to show.

'Simple question boys. Why in the name of Tartarus does your mom think _I_ would want _any_ of _your_ younger siblings kvetching around here and being a negative or otherwise influence on _my_ son?'

If Pain and Panic had the ability to pull puppy-dog eyes, they would have been using them at that very moment. As such, the best they could manage were embarrassed grins.

Panic nervously scuffed his claws on the floor. 'Umm…the family atmosphere?'

Hades resisted the urge to hit his head off the desk.

He didn't resist the urge to hit the _imps'_ heads off the desk however.

'The family atmosphere? This is the _Underworld_; a big dark place of suffering, pain and misery.'

Pain tugged his head out of the ruins of the desk. 'That's what she means.'

* * *

Neither of the imps saw exactly what was wrong with their little brothers turning up in the realm of the dead.

Granted, Agony and Torment hadn't been particularly successful with their last placement, but that little incident with the Gorgons could've happened to anyone.

* * *

Popcorn, check.

Tartarus Vision, check.

Excuse to grouse at the entire Grecian world, checkmate.

Hades clicked through the various channels. Over a thousand years and Hippolytus still couldn't come up with a decent headache cure. If there was a cure for blind stupidity coming any time soon, he felt certain he would need shares.

Agony and Torment had been hired as bodyguards and unofficial babysitters for Bremos. Status upgrade to full minion would occur once the brat was in his teens, which thankfully wasn't any time soon.

Echidna had been thrilled to say the least.

Pain and Panic were charred to say the least.

And he was now teed off, bored, and lonely to say the least. The TV vanished in a puff of smoke as the Lord of the Dead slouched over to the window and sulked.

'And they said it's punishment for _Seph_ to be stuck down here. No-one thinks of the lil' old Lord of the Underworld…'

As normal, Hades's temper tantrum was hot enough to burn logs.

* * *

'The original theory was that it was punishment for _me_ getting stuck here with _you_, and punishment for _you_ being separated from _me_.'

Persephone neatly seated herself on the chessboard, despite the tiny excitable god in her arms. 'But unless I had an off-date nectar recently, I'm guessing it's now punishment for _both_ of us to be split up.'

Hades smirked, his headache lessening immediately as he took in the sight of his wife and son. 'Call me insane, but I'm getting a déjà vu moment here.'

'That's as well as maybe, but _you_ are not déjà vu-ing _anything_ until I pass on a little gem of info from your big brother.'

Bremos was practically falling out of his mother's arms to reach out for his daddy. His daddy didn't need any encouragement to start acting protective. Plus this way, he was less likely to explode if presented with anything less than good news.

The Prince of the Underworld snuggled contentedly into Hades's arms as the goddess of rebirth looped her arms around her husband's shoulders.

'I pleaded family circumstances with my mom and Zeus as soon as I returned to Olympus. Thunder Boy's decreed that I can visit you while I'm on Olympus, but I can't stay longer than a few hours per day. Mom wasn't too pleased, but Zeus liked it.'

'Should I assume there was a small amount of bribery involved?'

'Hey, I learnt from the master.'

She hugged him a little tighter. 'I don't mention his little altercation with Nemesis and he lets me crash here. Pretty fair deal.'

Hades smirked and turned around to face his wife. 'You are one hell of a blackmailer, you know that?'

Persephone made a vague effort to look thoughtful, shrugged and kissed him. 'I do now.'

* * *

Charon, the ferryman of the Underworld, sighed and wondered (not for the first time) why he got stuck with rowing back and forth over the Styx, putting up with the spirits of whining mortals. He could've taken that nice cushy job in Admin, but noooo.

Since he was the only being in the land of the Dead that didn't get seasick, he got landed with the ferry job.

And this dratted cheapskate of a mortal wasn't making his job any easier.

'Look pal, you either pay, or you get lost.'

The slightly scruffy looking mortal rolled his eyes and clutched his lyre firmly. 'Like I told you at least a dozen times man, I'm a musician, not a businessman.'

'No money, no boat.'

'Look, I'll do you a deal. I'll play a request, any number you want, and you take me across the river. _That_ make you happier?'

Well, this was a case. No money, but still…

'Any request at all?'

'Anything you want man. Just get me to Hades's palace, like, now.'

'Get in.'

Another mortal visiting the boss by choice.

Weird.

'Do you know 'Shooting Star'?' (1)

The mortal glared. 'Do I know 'Shooting Star?' Do I know 'Shooting Star'? I'm Orpheus, man! I know all the songs under the sun!'

Charon shrugged. 'Orpheus…Never heard of you. Now start singing before I change my mind about this.'

Orpheus sighed and started tuning his lyre. Wouldn't do to be out of tune for _this_ performance.

"_No-one seems to think too much of me here, and they're glad to tell it to my face…_"

* * *

TBC

(1) Ok, I love Disney music full stop, but this song I adore.

* * *

Hades: If we're on the subject of annoying songs, why were you humming the wedding march this evening?

Melora: I had to annoy one of my friends. Do you have a better suggestion?

Hades: Well, you being alive annoys the hell out of me.

Melora: Me being alive annoys the hell out of most people. Deal with it.

Hades: I'm trying. And I still can't stop the fantasies of hacking out your vocal cords with an ice pick.


	24. Chapter 24: She Believes In You

A/N: I'm fully aware that I will get pleads, threats etc. for posting this, but I'm not sure when the next parts of 'I Won't Say It' or 'Forgotten' will be posted because of real life. Just a lil' warning for all my lovely insane reviewers!

* * *

**Crimson Fuchsia**: I'm a hopeless romantic at heart, hence the Orpheus & Eurydice myth. 'Shooting Star' is one of my favourite tracks from the Hercules movie, but it was so underrated.

**CornerDemon**: This will get me into gigantic trouble with many of my reviewers (wonderful as they are), but that honestly has to be the nicest review I've ever received. Glad I appear to have restored your faith in decent fanfiction. Though how exactly any of my stuff could be classed as decent fanfiction is beyond me.

**Nexus**: I'm glad you like the fic, and it will continue for quite some time. Hopefully.

**Night Music**: Personally, I prefer 'Tale As Old As Time', but whatever works.

**Jurious**: If anyone doesn't want to read a really pointless story, then just skip ahead…

The McDonalds promotion reminds me of the Disney Mini Eggs that got released around the same time as Hercules. My friend Rachael got me hooked on them after she started collecting the figures. She'd been collecting the eggs for three months and had about a million Baby Hercules, but she was desperately searching for our favourite Lord of the Dead. Hades was actually the rarest figure so she wasn't having much luck. I decided to have a go at collecting them purely for the novelty value.

Hands up anyone who can guess what the very first figure I ever collected was. Poetic justice at its finest.

Actually, for a 45p figure inside a choccy egg, Hades was sculpted really well. Even down to the little skull toga pin.

Needless to say, Rachael wasn't pleased. The figure is sitting on top of my PC desk, glowering at anything within three feet of my desk.

**Damian**: I'm not brilliant. I just have occasional flashes of inspiration when I'm not trying to die on the training levels of Tomb Raider. But happy to see you implemented the suggestion re. the muse getting a family.

**VMorticia**: I know you had to do that. I put that in especially for you. And to further enlighten and entertain, Agony and Torment are no more competent at the minion gig than Pain and Panic. It's a family thing.

* * *

Hades: So does Rachael just like me, or does she 'like me' like me?

Melora: You have a wife and kid. Belt up.

Hades: Can't I cultivate a few admirers on the side?

Melora: No. Plus the little thing she had for you has pretty much departed.

Hades: Spoil my fun.

* * *

Disclaimer: Apart from a few figures from said chocolate eggs and the videos of the TV series and the movie, I own Seph, Bremos, Hyllus, Agony, Torment, Eurydice (I think) and anything else not owned by Disney. Which isn't really a lot…

Oh, and I don't own the songs 'Magic of Morpheus' (from the Hercules TV series), or 'She Believes In You' (belonging to Lebo M.).

/.../ denotes thoughts

_Italics_ denote song lyrics

* * *

**I Won't Say It: Part 24**

* * *

The three headed drool machine known as _canis tri-caputis_, also referred to as 'the mutt', and mainly referred to as 'YaarghitsthatsoddinganimalfromacrosstheStyx', had actually been adopted for a reason other than to stop Pain and Panic whining about getting a puppy.

Being the guard-dog of the Underworld, Cerberus was trained to maim, brutalise and otherwise massacre any unfortunate members of the dead, but he was also allowed to kill any members of the living who strayed into the Land of the Dead.

But the sound of the strange human singing…

The giant black dog stopped snarling and cocked his three heads as he listened to the music.

'_Close your eyes until the new day…_'

He recognised this song. Every night that master Seph was in the Underworld, he would sit outside Bremos's window and listen as she sang the pup to sleep.

'_Let the magic of Morpheus whisk you away  
__To the stars in the heavens where dreams all come true;  
__High atop Mount Olympus, Zeus is watching over you._'

Cerberus rested his heads on his paws and continued to listen. There was no way he could hurt someone who sang like that. He was perfectly happy just listening to the music. So what if his masters got mad about it?

* * *

Fortunately, or unfortunately depending how you looked at it, Orpheus knew his way around the palace. Nothing much had changed from the last time he had ended up here; aside from the fact his former employer now had a family. At least there was the possibility the Lord of the Dead had mellowed a bit after marrying Persephone.

Yeah. And pigs had wax wings.

It didn't deter him from his slightly haphazard quest. Hades had eventually accepted his wife's rebirthing practices, so he would have to accept the fact that nothing short of eternal torment was going to prevent him from bringing Eurydice back from the dead.

And if that didn't work, shameless kissing-up would.

* * *

/Bitten by a snake while being chased by one of Apollo's brats. Cry me a Styx already./ A migraine was starting to pulse in Hades's temples as he slouched in his throne listening to Orpheus droning on about his girlfriend.

In comparison, Seph was being the ever-empathic Queen of the Dead while Bremos was half-dozing in her arms.

'…So, I just want her back, like now, if that's do-able.'

'Nice case. But colour me disinterested.' Hades yawned and glared at his former minion. Release one of the stiffs to the upper world. Right.

He spent the next ten minutes massaging the bruise on his head as Seph took over. She had heard of Orpheus's musical talents, but she had yet to hear him play. But his devotion to his girlfriend…Eurydice was one lucky woman. She sighed and studied him.

'Hey, you got my approval, but…in this case, you'll have to convince Smokey the God as well. It's just the way it works.' She gave him a sympathetic smile.

The musician had guessed something like this would happen. Hades was way too stubborn to let any members of the dead go free without some sort of deal. Even Persephone had conditions attached to her freedom from the Underworld.

Persephone…and that little baby god in her arms…

An insight flashed inside his scruffy head. The Lord of the Dead didn't have any weaknesses…bar the obvious feelings he had for the two deities sitting next to him.

Result.

Orpheus began to tune his lyre and cleared his throat. 'Does a once in eternity number sound better?'

The Lord of the Dead sighed. 'Fine, ok, go knock yourself out.' /Memo to me: stop listening to stupid requests made by mortals./

/Hook, line and…that other weird fishing thing./ The musician finished tuning up and began.

'_She'll be there  
__To guide and protect you  
__She will be there  
__To see it through_

_She'll lift you up  
__When you stumble and fall  
__She'll always be there  
__To heed to your call_

_You've got to realise  
__How she'd sacrifice  
__Nine months of her life  
__To mother your child_

_Remember…_

_She loves you  
__She really loves you  
__She believes in you  
__She truly loves you_

_In matrimony  
__You took her from her home  
__Said she'd never be lonely  
__In your happy home_

_Treat her like a queen  
__She'll make you her king  
__She'll never desert you  
__If you truly love her_

_She loves you  
__She really loves you  
__She believes in you  
__She truly loves you_

_When times are hard  
__You can find a way  
__He'll never forsake you  
__He'll show you the way  
__He'll give you love_

_She loves you  
__She really loves you  
__She believes in you  
__She truly loves you_

_When times are hard  
__You can find a way  
__He'll never forsake you  
__He'll show you the way  
__He'll give you love_

_She believes in you  
__She truly loves you_…'

The audience had almost tripled in size after the last chords had faded away. Pain and Panic were watching from the doorway, not bothering to hide their amazement. Above their heads floated two skinny black imps with sleek red wings and horns. Numerous battle scars covered their skin while arrow-sharp teeth and claws glimmered against blackened scales.

The overall effect would probably have been more impressive if Agony and Torment's jaws hadn't hit the floor halfway through the song.

Behind the four demon brothers, Hermes sat in mid-air and grinned. He had meant to just fetch Seph and his godson and get them back to Olympus before Demeter had one of her spasms, but this…the cat could still write even after eighteen years.

Soppy lyrics, but with one groovy melody.

* * *

The goddess of rebirth wasn't sure why she was trying to hold back tears. But that song had struck something; she wasn't sure what it was, but it wasn't entirely unpleasant.

One look at the Lord of the Dead told her what his answer was. Depositing her son in Hades's arms, she disappeared in a flash of light. Her search for Eurydice wouldn't take long.

* * *

'Whaddya mean, I can't look at her?!'

Orpheus shot his worst look at the smouldering grey and blue god. Granted, he now had his beloved muse back, but out of all the conditions Hades could've attached, this one just took the chicken falafel.

The Lord of the Dead somehow managed to keep a lid on his temper. 'How many times…You can't look at her _until_ you both get up topside.'

He held up his hands in a vague gesture of defence. 'C'mon, easiest clause in the book.'

Three glares from Hermes, Orpheus and Seph lanced his way. Eurydice sighed and looked towards her deeply unrelaxed boyfriend. She was just grateful to get out of the Styx and live again. 'Babe, you just have to wait a little longer. Then we'll be back together once again.'

The musician sighed. As always, she was right. He'd been without her for almost two months now. Another hour or so wasn't going to make much difference.

Hmmm…could make a great song.

* * *

Persephone watched the couple as they disappeared around the bend of the Styx and sighed. Sometimes Hades just utterly baffled her. That had to have been one of the simplest agreements possible; being straightforward was not something the Lord of the Dead was renowned for. Maybe that song had affected him in the same way it had affected her.

She'd find out soon enough. In the meantime, her mother was going to have a hernia if she didn't return to Olympus.

The unforeseen snag was that she was very, very comfortably wrapped in Hades's arms.

'Much as I'm enjoying this, I've gotta go or else Mom'll throw one of her moods.'

'Or a plant.'

'Hey.' She kissed him and stepped backwards, disappearing with Hermes and Bremos in a flash of white light. 'See ya.'

The Lord of the Dead smirked as his wife and son vanished, leaving him with a need for excessive minion torture to work of the effects of Orpheus's song. The subject matter had hit just a little too close to home for his liking.

Lousy ex-minion musicians.

* * *

Still curled up on the banks of the Styx, the guard dog of the Underworld was still under the effects of the music.

Three heads nodded along to the melody in his brains, while three growls, each of them slightly out of key, echoed in his throats.

His tail wagged slightly out of time with the rest of his thought processes.

Sometimes one tail was enough in these situations.

* * *

TBC

* * *

Hades: I do not see the need for the soppy subject material.

Melora: Two words. Romance fic.

Hades: I'm impressed.

Melora: And I will regret this, but why are you impressed?

Hades: You just proved you can actually count _without_ money being involved.


	25. Chapter 25: Babysitting Bremos

A/N: Thank God for Internet suites. Nearly went made trying to get online, then discovered my inbox had exploded.

* * *

**Piewolvesandsuch**: I was staring at a Monopoly board when I had that little bit of inspiration. And here's the next part. Back to staple comedy we go.

**Carmilla de Lestace**: Awww, I love cutesiness like that. Took me forever to find the song, but I cried when I first read it through. Hopeless softy romantic, that's me.

**YunCyn**: The Bremos growing up bit will happen pretty soon, but since I've been doing a lot of romance in the last few chapters, it's time to go back to dry sarcasm and my crass sense of humour.

**Zephiey**: I loved the Hades/Seph pairing as soon as I was told about it. One of the few good things I ever learnt in primary school. That and how to play the fake vomit trick on substitute teachers.

**Damian**: Is the muse on something? But glad you liked the song!

**VMorticia: **My mom came up with that last line. The Orpheus ex-minion thing? In one of the episodes, Orpheus was employed by Hades to cheer up the Underworld. Didn't work, but you've gotta give him snaps for trying. You thinking is scary. Me counting is scary. I think they hit the same level on the 'yikes' meter.

**Jurious**: Ah, a fellow romantic. I actually brought some of the figurines over with me. Pain, Panic, Hades and Hermes are all standing next to my PC in my room. Gives it that nice homey feel.

* * *

Hades: You giving a place a nice homey feel involves leaving your clothes everywhere and growing mould on all your plates.

Melora: Hey. I'm living in a confined space. I have to be vaguely tidy.

Hades: 'Vaguely tidy'… nope, never heard that one.

Melora: Shut up or I'll make you live in the bathroom.

Hades: Explain to me how that's any different to living in your room?

Melora: A view and the DVD player.

* * *

Disclaimer: I own Seph, Bremos, Hyllus, Agony, Torment and anything that I can't get sued for. And this part goes out to one of my most constructive reviewers: Mom, miss you loads and make sure you review, 'kay?

/.../ denotes thoughts

* * *

**I Won't Say It: Part 25**

* * *

If it hadn't been a few thousand years too early, the confrontation would have easily resembled a spaghetti western. A falafel western was the next closest comparison.

Four against one. And a very confused three-headed dog made it five.

The odds were definitely in the imps' favour.

All the equipment had been pre-prepared. Bandages, asbestos suits…anything a self-respecting minion would need for this little assignment.

Babysitting Bremos wasn't exactly what anyone would call an easy task.

* * *

Persephone refrained from cracking her head off her throne. Most of the time she regarded mortals as being fairly smart, but you always got the idiots at some point.

'He looked round, didn't he?'

The translucent spirit formerly known as Eurydice stood in the center of the throne-room looking more than slightly peeved. 'Duh.'

'And this time I can't do anything about it, hun.'

The nymph sighed. 'I guessed as much.'

She looked around the skull-embossed throne-room and shuddered. Stuck in the Underworld for eternity…

'However…' The goddess of rebirth was not a deity who dropped a subject easily.

'There is a bright side. You led a good life and you and Orpheus did love each other. Automatic passage to the Elysian Fields is the best I can do.'

Hades shot a look at his wife and winced at the pain in his finger. Bremos had started teething. His index finger was still bleeding.

'Let me guess; I don't get a say in this?'

'Nope.'

'I love it when you're unpredictable.'

'No comment.' Persephone turned her attention back to Eurydice.

'Eternity in paradise sound good?'

'Only if you tell me one thing.'

The nymph's graceful face looked concerned. 'When Orpheus…passes on, will he…?'

She didn't see the look of amazement on the face of the Queen of the Dead.

'Join you in paradise?' She smiled. 'Turn around and find out.'

'What?…' Eurydice looked baffled, but did as she was instructed.

* * *

Getting his head ripped of by the wild women of Thrace was hardly the best way for Orpheus to say the big goodbye, but his faithfulness to Eurydice had to be commended.

Even if he was next to bloody-useless at following instructions.

Not even divine intervention would have been able to break their embrace. Snapping her fingers, Persephone transported them both to the Elysian Fields.

Reunited in death and in paradise.

That was a good way to go.

Intrigued as to the goddess's silence, the Lord of the Dead pulled his wife into his arms. 'No urge to gloat, babe?'

'Not really.' She shifted around until she was sitting more comfortably.

'She's luckier than a lot of women I know.'

'And the appeal of dying twice is…what?'

The goddess of rebirth rolled her eyes. Hades might have been one of the more intelligent gods under Olympus, but when it came to romance he was still a little slow on the uptake. 'You are way too morbid.'

'Goes with the job. She's lucky because?'

'Orpheus travelled here because he loved her so much. Not an easy trip for a mortal, but he was actually willing to die for her.'

Persephone sighed. 'There's not exactly many guys I know who would do that, even for someone they loved.'

She didn't want to add that she felt more than slightly jealous.

'You think I wouldn't?'

Now that was unexpected. Then again, she had been married to Hades long enough to know that he did have a romantic side. Not much of one, but it was there. Orpheus's song had clearly affected him more than he had been willing to say.

/No complaints from me at any rate./

Neither of them were complaining when they took full advantage of the temporary break from parenthood.

* * *

If a dog could roll its eyes out of sheer frustration, all six of Cerberus's eyes would be examining the insides of his three heads.

It couldn't be _this_ hard to look after the pup. Master Seph and master Hades were able to look after Bremos just fine. And _he_ always managed to look after his littlest master perfectly.

But when his old _and_ new squeaky toys were involved…

The Prince of the Underworld was growing up a lot faster than any of the imps had thought possible. Agony and Torment had already been flayed alive for not keeping an eye on Bremos while he was learning to crawl. Being immortal was a bonus where a baby was concerned, but when said baby could throw fireballs even before he was weaned…

Needless to say, Pain felt like he had lost about six pounds in the last three months.

'You're doing this!' Agony took after Panic more than any of his other demon siblings.

Torment was easily the most intelligent out of the quartet. Which wasn't saying much.

'No way bro! That brat nearly scalped me the last time!'

'He'll only get cranky if we don't do this!'

'Whaddya mean '_get_ cranky'?' Pain was trying and failing to cover the scorch marks over his wings and tail. Bremos was still a baby, but he had learned his craft from the master.

Panic hovered a few feet above the crib and desperately tried to stop his youngest master from screaming his lungs out. It didn't work.

'We gotta do this. If it doesn't work, then…' He wasn't brave enough to finish the sentence.

Cerberus growled under his breath. Four squeaky toys to help the pup and they couldn't even stop him crying. He knew what master Seph did when Bremos cried like this, but he wasn't at all sure if the imps knew how to…clean the pup…no, change something…something called a diaper…

* * *

Two hours later…

Pain and Panic were both trying to clean up several little messes courtesy of Bremos. Said hell-child was curled up against his cuddly Hydra, chewing on one of Torment's wings while Agony was trying to avoid the little god's feet. They would have more than a few bruises come morning. Cerberus had rested one of his heads on the window seat while the other two took forty zetas.

One seven-month-old baby had managed to completely obliterate the minion reserves of the Underworld. No doubts about who _this_ kid took after.

Attempting to straighten out her toga after Hades had gotten a little too enthusiastic, Persephone scooped her son off the floor and placed him back into his crib. Teething wasn't fun for any baby, whether mortal or immortal. Since all of his favourite teething toys were busy trying to regain the feeling in their wings, she snapped her fingers and placed his rattle in next to him.

As per routine, Cerberus's sleeping heads roused themselves long enough to listen to master Seph singing the pup to sleep. After that strange human had sung that song so well, the guard dog of the Underworld had developed a vague appreciation of music.

Well, as much of an appreciation of music as you can have, being a three-headed demon spawned dog from hell.

* * *

Hades leaned silently against the doorframe and watched as his wife tended to their son, already starting to doze off in his crib. He wasn't exactly certain which god of cosmic justice he was indebted to, but if Thesis or one of her other relatives needed anyone smiting, that was a favour he would more than happily repay.

Despite her temper and initial hatred of him, Persephone was more than a match to rival Hera in the royalty stakes.  
Despite the teething problems, Bremos was easily one of the most impressive achievements he had ever accomplished.

Pride didn't feature highly in the Lord of the Dead's emotional dictionary.

But in this case he was willing to make an exception.

He had survived marriage.  
He had survived Seph's pregnancy.  
He had survived fatherhood.

Now the next step.

Surviving life with a teenager…

Oy.

* * *

TBC

* * *

Hades: If my son ends up anything like you, can I get an exchange?

Melora: As far as most people go, I'm at the moderate end of the scale.

Hades: There are people worse than you running about on Earth?

Melora: Yes.

Hades: Ok. The human race is _so_ badly doomed.


	26. Chapter 26: Trouble, thy name is Prince ...

A/N: From the general outpouring of enthusiasm for Bremos' teenage years, I'm guessing my stuff's still readable!

* * *

**(Blank)**: Rambling is good! Rambling is fun! Rambling annoys the hell out of Hades.

**Mom**: You know I do understatement well. Hades is getting a little slower to anger, mostly due to parenthood and Seph's influence. And you know it won't last - you raised me for 24 years; you know this to be true. Relax, Bremos isn't an infernal Adrian Mole, but he may or may not possess my ability to grow various moulds on three weeks worth of crockery.

**YunCyn**: Hades may have seen worse people in the world than Bremos, but none of them are related to him and living out of his wallet.

**VMorticia**: I've been refining the fine art of bribery ever since I finished GCSEs. Very constructive. If there are people out there worse than Draco, then I'm interested!

**Jurious**: Yes, Bremos is a lil' cutie at the baby stage. Except for the teething part. It's just when he grows up a bit that he starts taking after a certain God of the Dead…

**Crimson Fuchsia**: My romantic side got one last airing before comedy made a divine intervention. And nothing I say will get a certain muse to change his opinion of my mental state, healthy or otherwise. Huh.

**Cheerleader15**: The ways in which I can torment Hades…

**Damian**: After much work, bribery, and a few phone calls, the Prince of the Undead is finally a teenager. Enjoy. If muses get to go on vacation, is there any way I could pack Hades off somewhere?

* * *

Hades: Only if I get the Mediterranean climate.

Melora: Hmmm…Just remember, I can pack you off to Norway very easily.

Hades: Apart from the land of open sandwiches, other options include…?

Melora: Anywhere that's warm and far away from me.

* * *

Disclaimer: Seph, Bremos, Hyllus, Agony, Torment and a variety of other characters belong to me. The rest reside in the multi-million dollar empire known as Disney. Got inspired by Red Dwarf Season Six - you'll know which parts when you see 'em.

/.../ denotes thoughts

Dedication: Mom, miss you and review soon! Tell Dad if he wants to read this, then go ahead.

* * *

**I Won't Say It: Part 26**

* * *

There is a reason why grandparents are so damn smug.

They know that their time of raising a family has long since passed. That little task goes along to their children. The next 18-plus years of their lives are spent with a being who can eat enough in one meal to feed a few African nations in one day; a being who becomes increasingly opinionated about every subject under the sun; a being who becomes moody, hostile and stubborn; spends half their time thinking about the opposite sex and spending the rest asleep.

The Prince of the Undead was no exception to these rules of teenage guidance.

* * *

The god of loyalty known as Hyllus sighed as he stared at the heap of bedding that comprised his cousin and best friend. Bremos could easily give Morpheus a run for his drachmas in the sleep-stakes. The only difference was that the god of sleep wasn't a flame-headed teenager with a 'sod-everything' attitude.

Which included school.

Drastic measures were needed. 'Scramble, scramble, everybody scramble!'

Bremos didn't move.

'I said scramble!' Like his father, Hyllus didn't give up easily.

'Yeah, that'd be great with a few pittas man…'

The god of the undead made an unhappy return to reality. No self-respecting god should have to be up at this hour…

'The Underworld's been seized by Hecate, the souls condemned to eternal torment have broken free and there's a minion and deity free-for-all going on in the throne room.'

Bremos kicked himself awake at the mention of Hecate. 'Really?'

Hyllus rolled his eyes. '_No_, not really. Just pretend Hecate's taken over the Underworld and get up.'

'I'll just stick with pretending to scramble man. Nighty night.' He pulled his blankets back over his head and resumed snoring.

The god of loyalty muttered a few choice words under his breath. 'Ok. You have thirty seconds to get out of there or I'll declare you officially dead.'

Bremos poked his flaming cranium out from under his blanket. 'Great, then I can rest in peace.'

* * *

'So, from breakfast to school - a new record time; one hour thirteen minutes and forty five seconds.'

The god of the undead smirked and stifled a yawn. 'Not bad. I might get it down to one hour ten if I cut out the third lamb kebab.'

Hyllus sighed. 'On Earth there's a little known concept you _might_ not have heard of. Detention. You generally get it if you're late for school.'

'And I care because?'

The god of loyalty sighed again. Sometimes his cousin was utterly impossible. Then again, being the Prince of the Underworld and the son of Hades generally accounted for the weirder aspects of his personality.

All of the Olympians bore certain characteristics linking them back to Uranus and Gaea. As such, Bremos and Hyllus, being cousins, looked more alike than most of the gods.

The majority of the female populace at Prometheus Academy regarded Hyllus, being the son of Hercules, as being 'sooooooo dreamy.' He took after his father with his face shape, innocent blue eyes and inherent clumsiness. However, underneath the well-practiced look of confusion lurked a mind as sharp as his Aunt Athena's. It came in handy when the duo was getting into and out of trouble.

While not exactly a rival for Adonis, Bremos's looks were hard to ignore. Being the only student in school with a full head of black flames gave him a head start when it came to being noticed. As he had grown up, he had started to look more like Hades, but with his mother's dark eyes and face shape. 'Tall, dark, handsome and sarcastic as hell' were the labels most often applied to him.

'Possible attitude problem (although definitely without the possible)' was the label most often applied to the Prince by Mr. Parenthesis. Bremos' intelligence easily made him one of the smartest students Pro. Ac. had ever taught. It also made him a magnet for getting into trouble.

Which was just fine by the god of the undead.

Unless it involved yet another visit to Parenthesis' office before he even got the chance to annoy his cousin Proteus.

* * *

'Bremos (Zeus help us), take a seat.' The Academy director refrained from comment as he skimmed the list of various misdemeanours. The sons of Hercules and Hades took up an entire shelf of his library. And they were still only juniors.

'Now then young man (or deity, whichever is preferred), explain to me why exactly Cerberus (otherwise known as the great guard dog of the Underworld) was charging around the stadium again during lunch yesterday.'

'Oh, c'mon! Ya can't pin that one on me! I got minions - the mutt is their responsibility when I'm stuck up here.'

Parenthesis shrugged. 'Needless to say (but I'm still saying it), the bill for the stadium repairs is going straight to your parents (4000 drachmas in total).'

The Prince of the Underworld's smirk tugged downwards into a nervous frown. His dad was pretty decent about spreading carnage, destruction and death over Greece, but when he had to pay for said carnage…

There was a reason Hades's name meant 'unseen'.

When he got pissed off, he couldn't be seen for the flames.

The only other option was pleading minion fault. /Sometimes the base excuse always works./

* * *

Institutional food throughout the ages has remained relatively unchanged. Taste, colour, the sense of mild-to-moderate nausea after eating the boiled vegetables – only the regional variations add some diversity to cafeteria food.

Asclepius, son of Apollo and god of healing, stared in disgust at the congealing mess on his tray. 'And this in its former life was…what?'

Still pondering how long he was going to get screamed at and get grounded for, Bremos looked at his own laughable lunch. 'A food substance formerly and rather optimistically known as meat.'

He glared at the cafeteria staff. 'We honour you with our divine presence and you feed us mutton loaf?'

Hyllus just managed to save his math scrolls before his cousin parked next to him and stuck a fork into his food. 'Eeesh. Memo to me: pox on all food service workers.'

'Still sulking then?'

'Duh.'

'Relax.' The god of loyalty slapped his best friend on the back, sending him headfirst into his mutton loaf. 'I got yelled at for borrowing Pegasus when I was late last week.'

Bremos glared through a faceful of mutton. 'Yeah, but your dad's flying horse didn't demolish half the sports grounds, eat fifteen bags of scrolls or have a little accident next to the Home Greconomics class.'

'True. Anyone else think we're getting unfair treatment?'

Asclepius knew when not to say anything that would get his relatives riled. 'Baseless punishment guys, baseless punishment.'

Proteus however decided to risk a smiting, knowing the duo couldn't do much against a shapeshifter. 'Well, there was the incident with the statue, and then when you took your dad's chariot to school without telling him first, and then the Chimaera…'

The god of the undead groaned. 'Is no-one going to let me forget that? What happened to Bellophoron was his own stupid fault. I didn't know he would fall off Pegasus.'

'Oh, by the way, he's just discovered he can dislocate all his joints at will thanks to that little incident.'

'Thank you, people trying to _eat_ here? Eeesh.'

Some mental images were just best left open to speculation.

* * *

Only three things could produce an explosion from Hades.

Divine or brotherly intervention, a scheme to rearrange the cosmos had just kicked the bucket, or something expensive had just happened.

Considering her son's ability to attract trouble, Persephone concluded that the third had occurred.

That and Hades was busy launching several blasts at the imps. Some things just never changed, even after sixteen years.

'Much as I hate to interrupt such an enthusiastic display of minion torture, anyone feel like telling me what's happened?'

The Lord of the Dead sank back into his throne and glowered at his singed collection of imps. 'The mutt got free.'

'And followed Bremos up to Pro. Ac.?'

'Ding-dong. I could've had the flea-bag fixed at the start, but noooooo…'

'Quit grousing. So what's the damage?'

'Stadium, scrolls and biological accident.'

'Fairly moderate then.'

'No comment.'

Persephone sighed and leant against her sulking husband. 'It's only for another two years.'

'Forgive me if I fail to see the bright side.'

'Two years and then he can go terrorize the Asphodel Fields instead of Earth.'

Hades sighed. 'Two more years…Oy.'

'It's only two years. And trust me - you ain't seen nothing yet.'

She wasn't proved wrong either.

* * *

TBC

* * *

Hades: This kid is more expensive than you are.

Melora: I'm cutting down on the expenses, thank you very much. And you're going on vacation, so hearing about expense is rich coming from you.

Hades: God of wealth. Perks of the job.

Melora: So if you're the god of wealth, can I get a loan?

Hades: Hell, no.


	27. Chapter 27: The dynamic duo! Sort of

A/N: And we finally get the good stuff going! Needless to say, the epilogue won't be turning up for some time yet. At least not until I've milked this for all its worth.

* * *

**Damian**: The paranoia over said teenagers is one of the reasons Hades buggered off for a few days. And sadly no; you can't have Bremos, but I will let you borrow him for a while – unlike SOME deities we could mention, the Prince of the Undead is quite happy to expand his horizons.

**VMorticia**: I have what I refer to elastic morals. They stretch and occasionally snap. The 'divine presence' line is meant to be sarcastic - remind yourself of this kid's father.

**Carmilla de Lestace**: Angst is fair enough, but let's face it, the teenage years are never that straightforward. And as for the lucky girl… it's not the goddess you would automatically think of, but she is pretty well known. I know I'm being cruel. It's fun.

**Solitareone**: Needless to say, Bremos takes after his daddy a lot. And having several other deities at the same school and constantly trying to borrow your History homework makes for an interesting existence.

**Crimson Fuchsia**: Major year skip, but some things never change. As for Asclepius…wait and see…

**Jurious**: Prince of the Underworld, god of the undead, son of Hades and Persephone - it'd be weird if he _didn't_ take after Hades.

**YunCyn**: Muse torture is so much fun. Great stress relief to be honest.

* * *

Hades: You leave her alone for a few days and this is what…WHAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Melora: Mind explaining the big girlie scream?

Hades: Do I even _want_ to know what you've done to your hair?

Melora: All my friends think I look funky! Plus it goes well with the black.

Hades: If you're trying to kiss up to me by dying your hair the same colours as mine…it worked.

* * *

Disclaimer: (Get yourself a drink, this goes on for a while.) I own Seph, Bremos, Hyllus, Agony, Torment, Asclepius, Proteus and a few others (You'll know who they are.) Anything else; not mine, never will be.

/.../ denotes thoughts

* * *

**I Won't Say It: Part 27**

* * *

When dealing with the average aftermath of a high-spirited teenage escapade, it's normally wise never to ask what exactly happened.

Especially when your first claim to empathy and bankruptcy is standing before you with his best friend, both covered in flour and olive paste and looking more than slightly embarrassed.

But an immortality of living in the Underworld meant Hades was something of a glutton for punishment.

'Another experiment got boo-booed, I take it?'

The average Home Greconomics class courtesy of Bremos and Hyllus was something often retold, but no-one ever really wanted to suffer the fate of those with firsthand evidence.

Bremos scuffed one of his sandals on the throne-room floor. 'In my defence, I can only claim this…Hyllus started it, not me!'

'Me? You were the one who put baking soda in the water!' The god of loyalty yanked a bay leaf out of his hair and glared at his cousin.

'You were the one started juggling the eggs!'

'Yeah, well you were the one who dared me!'

'Like you didn't help me throw that flour bomb at Arachne!'

This would have continued for a good while had Hades not exploded, mostly due to the migraine that had started pounding as soon as his son and his nephew had started the blame game.

'Enough already! Unless anything else except egos were bruised, go get cleaned up. NOW!'

The two gods-in-training gratefully left, both of them attempting not to drip the remains of their flour bombs over the floor.

At least no-one had asked how exactly they had managed to blow up that lamb carcass.

* * *

The Lord of the Dead rubbed his aching temples. First the Chimaera, then the chariot, then the Academy statue, then the mutt and now this.

Parenthood was desperately overrated. And expensive.

Granted, he wouldn't give up his son even for Olympic domination, but sometimes…sheesh.

* * *

Persephone threw a towel at Bremos's head and resumed trying to comb three different kinds of herbs out of Hyllus's hair.

She had learned fairly early on that it was a lot easier just to clean up after her flame-headed and flame-tempered offspring rather than scream at him. It made for a better mother-son relationship at any rate.

'I'm just impressed you haven't killed someone with the kind of trouble you two attract.'

'Benefits of hanging around the god of healing.' The Prince of the Undead scrubbed at a mark on his arm where Telemachus had thrown a batch of olives at him. Being a perfect shot with any long-range missile appeared to be the norm for the son of Odysseus.

'Any bruises, bumps or otherwise interesting and disfiguring injuries go bye-bye pretty fast.'

'Nice. But Asclepius is only a demi-god.'

Bremos frowned slightly. 'He's the son of Apollo, right? That makes him a god.'

'Not if he had a mortal mother.' The god of loyalty glanced at his aunt for confirmation.

'So…what's the deal with his mom?'

Persephone sighed. It would have to happen sooner or later.

'Asclepius did have a mortal mother, but she died giving birth to him. Neither of them like talking about it, and I know Asclepius blames himself for her death.'

The Prince of the Underworld stared at his feet. 'Ouch.'

'I know. Just don't tell Asclepius or Apollo I told you this, OK?'

Bremos was too caught up in his thoughts to argue back. Not having a mom annoying you, fussing over you, making stupid rules that you had to follow otherwise you got your allowance cut…

That was pretty rough.

Hyllus shook his head. 'Ack, morbid conversation. Alternative subjects anyone?'

'I have one.' The goddess of rebirth raised an eyebrow. 'Indulge the Queen of the Dead for a bit. How exactly did you get away with the statue incident with only a reprimand?'

The two gods looked at each other and smirked. They knew Seph would never say a word.

'The secret weapon?…Proteus. He just shapeshifted and made it look like we covered the whole statue in green and orange paint.'

She mock-sighed and grinned. 'And I thought you two were a bad influence on each other.'

Bremos adopted his well-practiced innocent look.

'Hey, we learned from the masters.'

* * *

Another Friday afternoon, another weekend.

The philosophical question asked by all students from the beginning of time has always been 'Where are we going after school?'

When applied to two gods, a demi-god, a shapeshifter and the son of Odysseus, the issue gets steadily more complicated. Just think of a younger Council of the Gods with more hormones, bigger appetites and which disintegrates into sarcasm more often than not.

'Kebab.'

'So what was up with Parenthesis now?'

'Lecture on the lack of morals over shapeshifting into a bench in the girls' locker-rooms. No-one appreciates that I have to suffer for my craft.'

'Kebab.'

'What suffering? You're a shapeshifter. Where's the logic?'

'I bruise and otherwise injure myself easily.'

'Has anyone ever told you you're as subtle as a brick through a vase?'

'Repeatedly. Heal me?'

'Kebab.'

'Better?'

'Ouch. Yeah.'

'Jeez. You guys are immortal and you get beaten up more times than Ares. I'm mortal and I don't even suffer.'

'You get brains _and_ brawn, Tel. Lot easier than being a god.'

Bremos was busy turning an interesting shade of orange. 'How can I make this any clearer? _Ke-bab_!'

Hyllus settled for rolling his eyes. 'You sir, are nothing if not persistent.'

The Prince of the Underworld shrugged. 'It's good to set goals and work towards 'em.'

* * *

One hour, seven diet nectars and fifteen kebabs later…

Telemachus stared in admiration and mild nausea at his flame-headed friend. 'How can you eat all of that and not see yellow?'

'Years of practice. Plus Bacchus is my dear ol' grandpa. Go figure.' Bremos patted his stomach and belched.

'Charming as always.'

The god of loyalty shot a look at his cousin and returned to his pitta. The appetite of the god of the undead, both for food and destruction, had to be seen to be believed.

Much like the little piece of bad news the imps were currently reporting to Hades…

* * *

'Ok boys, give 'em to me straight, business stats over the past year.'

The Lord of the Dead settled back in his throne while the imps desperately tried to organise their presentation. Persephone sighed. Nearly twenty years of these presentations and they still couldn't get it right.

Torment was the first to get his breath back. 'Well, Your Surliness, the gift shop is booming. Success appears to lie with disillusioned artists, manic-depressives and the last batch of schizophrenics.'

Pain consulted his clipboard, elbowing his younger brother out of the way. 'Complaints have dropped by over 24 per cent, due to your wife's appointment of Memnon as head of Customer Care.'

Hades smirked. 'Flame kissing little shlubs. Aside from the small print…the stiffs. Numbers. Now.'

The four demon rejects shared a look of terror. Panic was unceremoniously shoved up to centre stage. 'Ummm…we have been experiencing a _slight_…umm…decreaseinnumbersthatsallthankyouforyourtimeYourFlamefullness.'

Time to make a bid for freedom.

'DECREASE?' Hades grabbed the nearest parchment and scanned it in shock. They weren't kidding.

'Numbers are down…well, that's just great. Really.'

Agony and Torment stared up at their employer in confusion. 'Are you being ironic again sir? Cos it's really hard to tell.'

'Try to stay with me here.'

The Lord of the Dead waved a hand in the general direction of the Styx. 'I gripe, I whine, I kvetch, but I run one tight Tartarus. If there is a sudden rash of _health_ going around, then I want to know what godly or otherwise force is causing it. Capiche?'

Persephone had opted to remain silent out of a deep-rooted sense of sanity and self-preservation. Now she was just panicking.

/Health and it's not provided by Hippocrates…wait a…oh _hell_…Apollo is gonna _kill_ me…/

'Does that mean?…' The imps' faces lit up with glee. Persephone saw her chance and smirked.

'Pack your cases boys, you're going topside.'

At least this would give her time to warn Asclepius.

* * *

TBC

* * *

Melora: Anyway…did you get me a present?

Hades: A present or you in one of your moods for the next three months…

Melora: Awww, you got me a prezzie! …This isn't exactly what I had in mind.

Hades: Hey, I'd like to see you try to find a straightjacket in pre-washed denim at this short notice.


	28. Chapter 28: Crisis: otherwise known as t...

A/N: Again, still trying to cut the reviews down a tad.

* * *

**Worldtraveler**: Newbie! OK, big apology to anyone who doesn't know who various characters are; my bad!

Asclepius, the demi-god of healing, is the son of Apollo, god of the sun, and Coronis, the princess of Thessaly. Coronis was burned alive while giving birth to her son, and he was raised both by Apollo and by Chiron the centaur.

Proteus is a shapeshifter with the gift of prophecy, the younger brother of Triton and the son of Poseidon, god of the sea.

Telemachus is the son of Odysseus, or Ulysses as the Romans called him; the king of Ithaca and one of the Greek commanders in the Trojan War. He remained loyal to Odysseus even when he stayed away from his home and family for ten years, and helped him to reclaim his throne.

Think that covers it. As for a kebab, 'tis a load of meat and vegetables crammed onto a skewer and roasted over a large fire. Originally from Greece or India (can't remember which) and very popular in the UK as snack food and an essential part of a good night on the ale.

**Amp**: Ohh, fanart! I like fanart! I will go look up your stuff as soon as I finish writing this sucky response.

**Crimson Fuchsia**: It's the Council of the Gods take two. And of course they ooze charisma. They wouldn't be my characters if they didn't ooze charisma.

**VMorticia**: Bremos will get steadily more adorable - even he is not immune to the charms of the opposite sex…

**Carmilla de Lestace**: Has anyone ever informed you that you may have masochistic tendencies? Hmmm, a hint, a hint…ok, she's the daughter of a Titan and a mortal, and doesn't have any of her own legends, but her name is one of the best known in the modern world. I love being cryptic. And if you still don't know, then she'll be turning up in the next chapter or so.

**Jurious**: And thank you muchly for the very cool Hades pic! Things are indeed about to lighten up…

**Blonde**: Thank you!

**(Blank 1)**: No comment.

**(Blank 2)**: Thank you! And cheers to VMorticia!

**Cheerleader15**: Thank you for the nice comments!

**YunCyn**: Inspiration is based off my own teenage years, insane as they are. And after the laughable present Hades got me, I'm not speaking to him. Much.

* * *

Melora: Ok, a straightjacket?

Hades: The asylum look suits you.

Melora: The Melora-inserts-her-fist-into-Hades'-face look suits you even better.

Hades: Can't you go for one chapter without insulting me?

Melora: No.

Hades: Just checking.

* * *

Disclaimer: Ahem. I own Seph, Bremos, Agony, Torment, Asclepius, Proteus, Telemachus and a few others who I'm not naming as of yet…Everything else I just borrow, beat up a little, then return to Disney.

/.../ denotes thoughts

* * *

**I Won't Say It: Part 28**

* * *

Every being has his, her, or its own little idiosyncrasies or foibles. As befitting the god of healing, or more likely because of it, Asclepius was disturbingly methodical about his daily routine.

_Thursday_

8.30am: Morning announcements, feed Bremos anything with stimulants, finish biology homework.

9am: Biology. Stop Proteus from changing into swarm of locusts, attempt to research cure for smallpox.

10am: Gym. Help Hyllus remove Bremos from pillars, throw a few spears around and avoid any shots from Telemachus's direction.

10.50am: Morning break. Do NOT comment on any combination of food that Bremos eats.

11.05am: Home Greconomics. Find mess robe before letting Hyllus or Bremos near any food substances.

12 midday: Maths. Attempt to lie creatively about missing algebra homework.

1pm: Lunch. Ignore complaints about food, remember history homework, panic, and borrow Telemachus's notes.

2pm: History. Duck while Proteus re-enacts the Battle of Marathon.

3pm: Literature. Ignore Bremos's scroll of Plato's Meditations when it starts sniggering at the funnies in the Greekly World News.

3.30pm: Speedy Pita. If only to retain sanity around Bremos.

Hyllus had termed his orderly system as mental, Proteus and Telemachus both declared it warped and Bremos' exact comment was, 'Remove your demi-god head from your demi-god sphincter and loosen up a little!'

The Prince of the Underworld retracted the comment about three seconds after he received a smack in the mouth.

* * *

Propping his locker open with his foot, Asclepius commenced his daily wrestling match with his biology scrolls. All going according to schedule.

The blinding flash of light about three metres away from him definitely wasn't part of his normal timetable. Especially when the light died down to reveal Bremos's mother. Either Bremos had forgotten his history homework again or something serious was going wrong.

'Persephone?'

She span round, spotted him, and looked utterly relieved for some reason. 'Trust me when I say this ain't a social call, hun.'

'And I'm not gonna like the reason behind the panic, am I?'

'Not particularly. How'd you feel about going into hiding for the next, I dunno, few hundred years?'

Several years of hanging around two gods, a shapeshifter and one very tricky mortal had given him plenty of practice in looking nonplussed.

'Depends on the reason. And it would have to be a compelling one at that.'

Persephone sighed. 'Put simply; numbers of dead people in Underworld decreasing, and a certain Lord of the Dead wants to find out what's causing said decrease.'

Translation: Bremos's father wasn't exactly someone who many Olympians considered to be one of the 'fun' gods. When he was out for vengeance and/or a decent smiting…

'Hmm…ok, I'm sold.'

'Great. Get up to Olympus now befo--' She didn't even get the time to finish her semi-maternal panic before the smell of sulphur wafted through the pillars.

Asclepius grinned weakly and offered a cheery little wave. 'Um, hi.'

The Lord of the Dead's smirk was visible even under his favourite shades. 'And I thought re-incarnation was a kick in the flames. Now I have to put up with the kid of Mr. 'Please-don't-take-my-Sunshine-away' getting in on the health gig.'

'I was born with the power to heal. Tough.' Asclepius knew he was pushing it, but teenage pride, as well as cosmic balance, was at stake.

Hades's patience was starting to burn up as rapidly as his hair. 'Uno problemo babe. Power to heal is reserved for ages _immortal_ and up. And someone here is just a lil' baby _demi-god_. Hence the dilemma.'

'You don't like it? Go talk to Grandpa. I'm allowed to use my powers with his authority.'

Persephone restrained herself from banging her head off a nearby pillar. Asclepius might be an excellent healer, but he was completely useless at lying.

Talking to Zeus might _not_ be the best thing for him.

Especially if the little 'revival from death' incident cropped up.

* * *

Keeping a benevolent eye over his gigantic, often feuding, family was easy enough, but when it involved any concern belonging to his baby brother…

Zeus sighed. How exactly Persephone had retained her sanity being married to Hades was something he would have to ask her at the next Council meeting.

In the meantime, the death-glares that Hades and Asclepius were shooting at each other clearly stated that if looks could kill, the two gods would be wandering around Tartarus in slightly less than peak condition.

'Power reserved for immortals only. Capiche?'

'Ooooh, is someone upset that the Underworld isn't totally overcrowded?'

Hades's nervous tic was working overtime. 'Ok, let's go through this simply. Mortals get sick. They whine about it, they grouse, they kvetch, but they die. If mortals are living longer thanks to misplaced godly intervention, my numbers go down and that means one less than impressed Lord of the Underworld.'

The king of the gods could feel a headache coming on. 'Little brother, helping the mortals to live longer and have better health is hardly something to be angry about.'

Asclepius smirked. Zeus was meant to be impartial, but when it concerned his grandchildren, sentimentality won out every time.

'Unless of course, my grandson has been misusing his powers…'

Eeep. /Not the revival thing, please please please _please_…/

'Ummm…'

The god of healing scuffed his sandals against the cloud floor.

Apollo studied his youngest son for a moment. He was easily one of the most truthful gods on Olympus, which meant he was useless at lying. If Asclepius had misused his powers, they would soon find out.

''Ummm', what?'

'There…was that thing where I kinda…brought someone back to life?'

The young demi-god looked nervously up at his father, shooting a look of apology at Persephone. She had covered for him as well…

'You **WHAT**?!' Thunder rumbled overhead as Zeus's benign expression headed south.

'How?' Despite his shock, Apollo couldn't help but be proud of his son. Reviving someone from death…that was truly impressive.

The goddess of rebirth reluctantly sneaked a look at her husband. Hades appeared to be doing one of his less dignified impressions of a goldfish.

'Revival…' The only time any of the gods had seen Zeus this angry had been after Prometheus had been freed. King of Gods in serious funk equalled irrational action.

'I grant you permission to use your powers and _this_ is how you repay my trust?'

Asclepius winced. 'Grandpa…look, I know it wasn't how I was meant to use them, but…it was the right thing to do.'

'He helped to save an innocent life. Even you can't deny his heart was in the right place.' Persephone folded her arms across her chest. Despite her part in this situation, Zeus would still have to listen to her, even if he didn't want to.

Apollo remained silent. Zeus in one of his rages meant someone would be getting a thunderbolt somewhere painful. But he would grow gills and drive around the seabed before he would let anyone harm his son. Asclepius was all he had left to remind him of Coronis.

Hades was still incapable of producing any noise other than a high-pitched squeak. /The brat has this kind of voodoo and no one _tells_ me?!/

'It may have been the right thing to do, but nonetheless, you still intervened where it was not your place.'

The god of thunder stared at his more than slightly nervous-looking grandson and finally passed his judgement.

* * *

'A life for a life.'

Three jaws hit the floor in total shock. The Lord of the Dead was the first amongst the group to regain the power of speech.

''Kay, you're kinda taking a hard line here bro. So the brat revived someone. Not exactly making him Mr. Popular with yours truly, but sheez, death's a little overboard, huh?'

'The boy needs to be taught a lesson. I won't have him defying my orders.'

A thunderbolt appeared in Zeus' hand. Strong enough to give a god a nasty rash, but lethal to a demi-god.

'You can't do this.' Persephone shook her head, trying desperately to hold back her anger.

'I can and I will. Step aside Apollo.'

Apollo stood defiantly in front of Asclepius. 'No.'

'Move. Now.'

He spread his arms out. 'You can't kill my son.'

'I don't want to hit you with this…'

'He's your own grandson. Doesn't that count for something?'

'A quick and painless death is what the relationship counts for.'

He aimed and fired.

Asclepius didn't even have time to dodge.

* * *

/This _must_ be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays./

The ex-god of healing idly rubbed the burns over his arms as Charon ferried him across the Styx. He settled back against the slimy wood and sulked. Zeus really needed to lighten up a bit. Revival from death was hardly worth killing your own grandson for. Hades had earned a smiting for a lot worse.

A confused whine caught his attention before three giant noses started sniffing at his cloak. Asclepius reached up and patted Cerberus on the heads.

'I know, I know. Weird, huh?'

The giant guard dog gave another whine. He recognised this person. The last time he had ended up in a fight with the Nemean Lion, Asclepius had made all his cuts and bruises disappear. And he was one of Bremos's friends, so that was alright. But why was he all see-through like the rest of the dead?

* * *

Hades slouched back in his throne and tried to ignore the very strong feelings of guilt running around in his brain. Fair enough, the kid had overstepped a few boundaries, but earning a one-way trip to Bones 'R' Us was a new one.

At least it was quick.

Eeesh.

Seph was still up on Olympus trying to comfort Apollo. He was still in a complete mess after seeing his kid pass on Zeus-express style.

This wasn't a guilt trip. This was a cruise through the Aegean with 24-hour portage, free bar and a giant sign on the side that read 'This is a big guilt trip'.

A burst of black and gold flames appeared next to the chessboard, reforming into his first claim to bankruptcy, who was busily and noisily demolishing a fig smoothie.

'Hey dad.'

Hades raised an eyebrow at the flame-topped mess called his son. 'Ok, indulge your old man. Do you ever stop eating?'

Bremos shrugged and grinned. 'Only if I get indigestion.'

'What happens then?'

'Asclepius normally heals me up pretty quickly. I'm going up topside to see why he bunked off.'

Whoah no.  
No no no no no _no_.

Bremos and Asclepius were pretty close-knit friends. And the aforementioned Prince of the Underworld had no idea that his demi-god companion had just joined Club Dead.

At times like this, it sucked being the Lord of the Dead.

* * *

TBC

* * *

Hades: Should I ask why you bought another plastic scythe?

Melora: I happen to like scythes. And it's getting close to Halloween again. Sort of.

Hades: So presumably, you'll be trying to dress up at something that's more hideous than you are right now.

Melora: Do you ever say anything nice about me?

Hades: No.


	29. Chapter 29: Guilt trips and feathers

A/N: Wow. Maybe I should kill off a few more characters if I get this many reviews.

* * *

**Moonfire**: If you get bullied for over 20 years of your life, you develop a gift for extreme sarcasm. It's either that or turn psychopathic. Ummm, I never really know how to respond to flattery and compliments and the like, so I'll settle for an embarrassed grin instead.

**Cheerleader15**: There are some bits of Zeus's character in Disney that I liked, but in the actual myths, he really was a complete bastard. I just decided to go for that.

**Jurious**: I'm inspiring tears and various extreme emotional states again and I have no idea why. And relax; call Zeus something unrepeatable if you want to, I know I have!

**YunCyn**: Reminder noted and understood!

**VMorticia**: Couldn't remember where I heard the quote from - cheers! And Hades was just feeling guilty, hence the OOC-ness. (For about the second time in his life.)

**Sarah Black**: Hades has been informed of your feelings towards him and he's in the process of ranting about insanity running through my reviewers. Personally, I'm just amazed people find my stuff funny.

**Crimson Fuchsia**: Ok sweetie, now calm down or you'll need to up your medication. And what's wrong with being manipulative?

**Worldtraveler**: I seem to be inspiring an army of reviewers hell-bent on Zeus-torture. And I frankly don't feel the least bit guilty about it either! The so-called birthday present came from the domain known as hammerspace, more commonly known as the literary version of the TARDIS.

**JoeyJoJo**: Please lower my blood pressure and tell me I'm not actually educating someone. Cos that's a very scary concept.

**Mom**: Ummm, ok…At least I can do credibility. You love that dog, don't you? And I was not whinging, I was merely stating facts.

* * *

Hades: You were whinging. I was there. I put up with it.

Melora: I was not whinging!

Hades: You were so.

Melora: This coming from the muse who keeps whinging when I don't let him try out my scythe.

Hades: Like I could do any damage with it?

Melora: What you did to my bathroom was damage enough.

Hades: Hey, that toilet seat was broken before I got anywhere near it.

* * *

Disclaimer: Let's get this straight. I own Seph, Bremos, Hyllus, Asclepius, Proteus, Telemachus, Agony, Torment and a certain goddess who turns up near the end of this chapter… Anything else is the property of Disney. Jammy bastards.

/.../ denotes character thoughts

* * *

**I Won't Say It: Part 29**

* * *

Death is never an easy thing to witness.

Especially when the person in question is one of your son's best friends and the killer just happens to be the king of the gods.

Persephone was incapable of rational thought at that moment. All she could do was try to comfort the god of the sun and fend off the very tempting idea of forcibly and painfully ripping Zeus's head off his shoulders and mailing the remains down to Tartarus.

His own grandson…

She had thought she had heard about the worst of the thunder god's cruelty when he had exiled Hades to the Underworld. But this…

Despite being the Queen of the Dead, witnessing the death of someone she cared about was still a shock to her system. As if she hadn't been feeling nauseous enough…

* * *

Apollo was completely silent. Two constant trails of tears were running down his face with no signs of stopping. His youngest son, his little boy…killed by his own grandfather for trying to save a mortal's life. This went way beyond Zeus's normal capacity for retribution.

And this time, he was certain that he would never forgive his father.

Why him? Why were Nemesis and Thesis making him suffer so much? The memory of his wife's death still haunted him, even after sixteen years. Asclepius had always blamed himself for her passing, even though they both knew Coronis just simply hadn't been strong enough to survive the birth. But now…

Why his son? Why his little boy?

Why Asclepius?

* * *

/Okaaaaaaay…someone forgot to tell me the manic-depressive look was _en vogue_./

Bremos frowned slightly as he kept an eye out for the god of healing. Currently his ties to his best friends, rather than to his parents, were his top priorities. Whatever his dad had been trying to tell him before he left could wait.

Apparently, leaving before Hades had finished looking uneasy hadn't been one of his smartest moves. And he was getting an icky feeling in his stomach that wasn't caused by knocking back a fig smoothie in seven seconds flat.

It got even worse when he saw his mother trying and failing miserably to stop Apollo sobbing…

This had something to do with Asclepius.

* * *

Cosmic justice really was a bitch sometimes.

Especially when it resulted in getting stuck in the Underworld by your own grandpa, losing all of your powers, and getting your soul judged by one very irritated and uncomfortable Lord of the Dead.

Asclepius settled for a low-level death glare as he stood in the centre of the throne-room trying to ignore the other spirits crowding around him, some still carrying various dismembered body parts.

If Hades could look any more annoyed, he didn't want to know. At least it explained where Bremos got his temper.

'So do I get an apology any time soon?'

'Hey, I just _mentioned_ the health thing to Thunder Boy.'

Asclepius' expression was growing darker by the second. 'Yeah, well thanks to your 'mentioning' of my powers, I now get stuck here for all eternity.'

'Join the club.'

'Huh.' A sudden vision of the next twenty seconds rammed through his mind…

/Hit the dirt. Fast./

'You do realise Bremos won't like this.'

Hades's left eye began to twitch. 'You're just doing this to annoy me, ain'cha.'

'Is it working?'

He didn't get the chance to come up with one of his trademark caustic retorts before half-a-dozen fireballs exploded above his throne.

Followed immediately by the customary scream of all teenagers the world over.

'DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!'

Apparently the Prince of the Undead was now up to date on the situation.

Hades glanced upwards and raised an eyebrow at the result of his son's temper tantrum. 'You do realise the repairs for that are coming out of your allowance.'

'Yeah yeah yeah, cut the pleasantries, _dad._' Bremos practically spat the word out. The god of healing winced slightly. To say his friend was pissed off was frankly the biggest understatement ever made.

Apart from saying Ares was a little violent or that Zeus could overreact just a bit.

The god of the undead was desperately trying to keep a lid on his temper and failing spectacularly.

'I just found out what happened from Mom. This was what you were trying to tell me before, wasn't it?! That you just _happened_ to be semi-responsible for one of my best friends becoming a permanent resident?!'

'Numbers were down. Interest in events topside went up. It's a combo.'

'A combo that got Asclepius killed! Thanks a lot, _dad_. What happened to you _not_ messing in my life?!'

Somehow, it always hurt when Bremos was pissed at him. Not that Hades would ever admit to it.

'Ok, recap: numbers of stiffs going down. I _mentioned_ it to Thunder-Boy. Thunderbolts and a demi-god of healing target were not in the immediate vision.'

That caught the two teens' attention. Asclepius's brow creased slightly. 'You didn't _want_ me dead or didn't _expect _me dead?'

'Hmmm…last one with a little of the former.'

Bremos's and Asclepius's eyes widened slightly in amazement.

'Hey, I have a heart. Somewhere. And hell, I got a thunderbolt across the hiney for a lot worse.'

'So…you never wanted me dead?' The god of healing tilted his head slightly, intrigued as to this little revelation.

The Lord of the Dead tried not to squirm. Several hundred years of self-discipline to become the ruthless, merciless, easily bribed overlord of the dead and it was going right down the tubes.

'I was going for anything from grounding up to minor smiting. The one-way ticket across the Styx wasn't what I had in mind.'

Bremos's mind was racing under his black and gold head of fire. If Hades really hadn't wanted Asclepius dead, then…hmm.

Maybe a little charm and the wounded puppy expression his mom had taught him would work.

'So…if you really didn't expect this…then can Asclepius go free? Please?'

No.  
Niet.  
Nope.  
Nada.  
No way.

The big adorable eyes were not gonna work this time.

They were not gonna work.

The brat could stare all he liked, but no chance.

Uh-uh…

Nope…

/Awww, sheeeeeeeez…/

Hades resisted the urge to smite something. Damn genetics.

'One, no way. Two, I can't restore demi-god powers. Three, no way. Four, Zeus is the only one who has the voodoo for this, and five, no way.'

'Dear old Uncle Zeus, huh?' The Prince of the Underworld smirked. Asclepius just looked slightly concerned. He knew what happened when his friend wore that particular evil grin. A plan had started forming under the flames. If Hyllus and Proteus had been updated on the situation, then...

He correctly guessed that Zeus was about to get the talking-to of his immortal life.

* * *

The Lord of the Dead settled for glaring at the explosion of black flames as Bremos disappeared. He only just managed to bite back a list of remarks relating to the slightly less than godly characteristics his offspring repeatedly displayed; his sneakiness, capacity for bribery, façade of charm, and his ability to attract trouble…

No question which one of his parents he took after.

/Eeesh. Dwelling in sentimentality again./

* * *

In times of crisis, teenagers almost telepathically communicate and unite in a show of strength.

That, and news travels fast on Olympus.

If he knew his cousins, they weren't about to let this gross cosmic unbalance go unresolved. Hyllus leaned against one of the pillars outside Zeus's palace and glanced at the soft white feathers fluttering across the clouds. Nice distraction.

A rush of flames and a column of water appeared a short distance away, reforming instantly into Bremos and Proteus.

'I believe it's time to have a word with Grandpa.'

The god of loyalty glanced over at his best friend. 'How long'd it take for your dad to crack?'

'Four minutes, seventeen seconds. He's getting better at this.'

Bremos repressed a sneeze as an errant feather brushed past his nose.

'And someone needs to have a word to Cherub Resources about the feathers. Little early for them to be moulting…'

* * *

Perhaps luckily for Bremos, the source of the feathers managed to keep her temper in check and stayed hidden behind the pillars.

It was only by pure luck she'd heard about Asclepius's up-close-and-personal meeting with a thunderbolt. Working with Athena generally meant she didn't get much free time on Olympus. Plus her guardian didn't like her using her powers for frivolous purposes.

Tough. Asclepius was a good person, and she hated seeing people suffer.

If using her powers to give the sons of Hades, Poseidon and Hercules victory over Zeus, then it was worth getting yelled at.

Spreading her wings, Nike, the goddess of victory launched herself into the air and made for the nearest cloudbank. It wouldn't do for Zeus or the others to see her.

Especially not Bremos.

After all, she now had a grudge to nurse.

* * *

TBC

* * *

Hades: I respect the fact you had to get sick at some point…

Melora: I'm impressed. You used the word 'respect' in the same sentence as me.

Hades: Whatever. But d'you have to keep waking me every morning cos of it?

Melora: Yes. And if you don't quit whining about it, I _swear_ I'll infect you.

Hades: Don't even _think_ about giving that thing to me.


	30. Chapter 30: The inner workings of Cerber...

A/N: I hate having flu.

* * *

**Worldtraveler**: I like evil plots. Especially those that torment, annoy and otherwise humiliate Zeus.

**Zephiey**: Thank you!

**YunCyn**: Teenage and immortal relationships are never that straightforward. But needless to say, the chemistry has commenced between Nike and Bremos. And yep, a god can get physically sick. Why d'you ask? Or is this about Seph feeling ill in the last chapter?

**Amp**: Everyone loves Bremos! I'm confused! What's the attraction?

**Sarah Black**: Hades won't maim you if he values his health and what remains of his sanity…And the only reason he's is my muse is because I just happen to appreciate a god with an exceedingly sick sense of humour.

**Jurious**: I always thought it was unfair that Hades never did get to take over Olympus. At least sarcasm would have prevailed if he'd succeeded.

**Carmilla de Lestace**: I got the piccy, don't worry. Very very pretty, thank you!! And what's wrong with Hades occasionally proving he isn't _totally_ heartless? Considered Nyx, but she's something like his great-great-great-grandmother or something, and plus Bremos is a hell-child. Nike is the image of an angel. The original demon from hell and the original angel getting together? I'm a hopeless romantic. Plus there are excellent comedic moments…

**Mom**: I have considerable insight into the workings of the parental mind? Weird. And here's the little thing you asked for!!

**VMorticia**: Re. the grudge…She's insulted since Bremos didn't appreciate her feathers (Very proud of her wings is Nike.). And when you're the daughter of a Titan, you act irrationally.

* * *

Hades: You're ill for five days. You really think you need that many blankets?

Melora: Says the god whose wardrobe consists entirely of black sheets.

Hades: Someone's grouchier than normal. What happened? You missed your medication?

* * *

Disclaimer: I don't own any of them except the random characterised figments of my diseased imagination. And believe me, that's one diseased imagination.

/.../ denotes thoughts

* * *

**I Won't Say It: Part 30**

* * *

The best things in life are the simplest things. Watching the souls swimming through the Styx, smelling the minions roasting, wreaking carnage and terror upon the 'citizens' of the Underworld…

Abstract thinking doesn't really enter into it. For a god, it's both annoying and confusing.

For Cerberus, abstract thinking was just something to be avoided, much like the v-e-t or the b-a-t-h. It just made his brains hurt.

But why was Bremos's friend all see-through like the other strange toys?

It didn't make sense. Asclepius wasn't a mortal. He didn't smell _properly_ mortal, not like Telemachus.

Rolling over onto his back, paws in the air, the three-headed guard-dog stared up at the big sparkly ceiling of his cave.

Maybe it was just because master Seph was around so much, but he loved to watch all the little shiny dots. They looked really sparkly whenever master Hades was mad at his new chew-toys. And they always turned a pretty orange colour…

His left-most head swung round towards the sound of a person coming towards him. They smelt pretty familiar…

Maybe it was Bremos coming to take him for walkies!

Or maybe it was Seph with some nice big steaks for his dinner!

Or it could even be his chew-toys for him to play with!

The person rounded the corner of the Styx. Cerberus whimpered in slight disappointment.

It wasn't Seph, Bremos or any of his chew-toys.

But it was Asclepius.

He perked up slightly. Asclepius was always nice to him, even after he had drooled all over him the first time he'd met the demi-god. And he'd even made all his cuts disappear after he'd gotten out for the day to chase the Nemean Lion.

But he was _still _all see-through! That just wasn't right to the giant dog's thoughts.

Deciding to see if Asclepius wanted to play fetch, Cerberus rolled over onto his front, shook out his fur, trotted out from his cave and parked himself next to the translucent demi-god, his tongues lolling out of his mouths.

* * *

Snapping temporarily out of his sulking fit, Asclepius looked up in the direction of the noise. Even to his recently deceased ears, it sounded like a sixteen-foot high three-headed guard-dog had just sat down beside him.

It _was_ a sixteen-foot high three-headed guard-dog sitting down beside him. One of the few bright spots of his new…home.

'If I was still alive, I'd be at Speedy Pita with your master right now, huh?'

He reached up and scratched the giant dog behind one of his ears. There was something undeniably comforting about Cerberus's presence.

Getting drooled over by the guard-dog of the Underworld wasn't a welcome experience at any time. But Cerberus's little show of support was appreciated in this circumstance.

Even if his idea of a show of support required a towel afterwards.

'Can't say I don't deserve it, I guess. Especially after…' Asclepius stared at his knees and ignored the burning sensation behind his eyes.

Cerberus whined. After master Seph had come to live in the Underworld, he had learnt what it meant when someone sometimes felt sad. Was that how Asclepius felt right now?

'Can't even pretend anymore. She died so I could live…Yeah, really great deal, Grandpa. The son of Apollo, born with the powers to heal and he can't even stop his own mother from dying…'

Cerberus's heads drooped. Asclepius really did feel sad about something. And it was starting to make him feel sad as well.

His right-most head nudged the deceased god with his nose, and then gently nuzzled his arm. Even if it didn't make Asclepius feel any better, at least he wasn't going to be sad all by himself.

* * *

Sitting on one of the boulders on the bank of the Styx, Persephone kept a maternal eye on Asclepius, a soft smile covering her face. For one of the smarter demi-gods, Asclepius really didn't seem to have grasped the benefits of being in the Underworld, even as a temporary visitor.

It hadn't stopped _her_ from making a few arrangements however…

* * *

All three of Cerberus's heads perked up as soon as he saw the small red figure walking towards him and the depressed spirit. If master Seph couldn't cheer Asclepius up, then no-one could. He settled back on his haunches and listened quietly.

At least this way he could keep watch over Master Seph. She hadn't smelt quite right for some time now. It wasn't an unpleasant smell, but still…it was familiar…

* * *

'For someone's who's been granted passage to the Elysian Fields, you still don't look too cheerful.'

The undercurrent of irony in Persephone's voice was obvious as she sat down next to him, pausing for a moment to pat Cerberus's ever-attentive heads.

Asclepius offered up a weak replica of his customary smile. 'I just don't wanna depress all the other dead guys.'

'You're gonna start depressing me in a minute, hun.'

The goddess of rebirth sighed and squeezed the spirit's insubstantial shoulder.

'So what brought you back down here?'

'Let's just say when Bremos gets started on someone or something, it's normally best not to get in his way.'

'Like father, like son?'

'Hades and Bremos aren't the only ones I know who act alike.'

She stood up, trying to ignore her stomach turning cartwheels. 'You and your father for a start.'

Asclepius looked up. 'Is he gonna be OK?'

She smiled sadly. 'He's…he's not taking it too well. Blaming himself mostly.'

'But it wasn't anyone's fault but mine! There wasn't anything he could have done to help me!'

'Just like your mother's death wasn't anyone's fault but hers.'

Ouch.

'Even Coronis admitted that herself.'

Persephone braced herself for a verbal onslaught.

* * *

It didn't come.

But a pair of green eyes the size of sundials did.

'You…you spoke to…Mom spoke…huh?'

Asclepius's mind whirled.

So obvious.  
So simple.

Jeez…

'Come with me.' The goddess of rebirth gestured towards the direction of the Elysian Fields.

'Where are we going?'

'Let's just call it…a family reunion.'

* * *

Staring after Persephone and Asclepius, Cerberus whined once again.

His three heads were in a slight dilemma. The left head insisted the rest should remain behind and wait for Bremos to come back. The middle head was adamant that they should be protecting master Seph, and the right head was still curious as to why Asclepius was unhappy and _still_ all see-through.

And underlying all of his thought processes was his desire to find his squeaky toys and to try and remember _where_ exactly he had smelt that strange scent before.

Two heads against one. The giant black dog stretched and trotted after the goddess and the spirit.

_Why_ didn't master Seph's scent smell right?

* * *

TBC

* * *

Hades: The dog is getting more screen time than I am. I wasn't even _in_ this part!!

Melora: Hey, I just happen to think Cerberus is sweet.

Hades: And I'm not?

Melora: You're not sweet.

Hades: So what am I?

Melora: Smarmy, obnoxious, irritating, snide…the list goes on.

Hades: Well, _she's_ better.


	31. Chapter 31: The Guilt Trip

A/N: Back to comedy and Hades getting it in the neck. And this is just a teensy weensy request…if you like Pokemon, I'm writing a fic while I'm writing this. Does anyone feel like being really uber-wonderful and reviewing '**Forgotten**'? Please?

* * *

**Glinda**: I'm mean to Hades because he's obnoxious to me.

**Twilight**: Everyone's guessing, but all will become clear…and hands up who loves Cerberus!

**Worldtraveler**: Hades is gonna get more sickly sweet scenes since he's being a complete pain. Starting right about now…

**Mom**: You now have your Cerberus fix. And I know you're broke. It was for a good cause!

**VMorticia**: I know full well what was going through your muse's sick, perverse, twisted mind. As for the thing with Cerberus; I mentioned that he had been able to smell what was up with Seph when she was pregnant with Bremos.

**Sarah Black**: I just happen to like the mutt! Well, that and my mum was desperate for more Cerberus. Family reunion is going ahead as planned, and as for the smell thing, I'm just assuming that sarcasm came into play at this point.

**Midnightsfairy**: V.happy you like, and as for the suggestion…hmmm, possibility.

**Jurious**: If your belief re. Seph's sickness involves Hades turning pale and keeling over backwards…And yes, I did smack him for complaining. Then I had to feed him a few cookies to stop him sulking at me.

**YunCyn**: Déjà vu indeed! Erm, muse-maintenance…bribery is always worth a go. Bremos's appetite is actually based on my own. Scary, and no, I consider myself to be a _failed_ bulimic. I _can_ do the pigging out thing. I just refuse point-blank to throw it back up.

**Carmilla de Lestace**: Bad girls (i.e. us.) just need high-maintenance love! And yep, Asclepius is wonderful. Since there's the family reunion, I'll be covering the Coronis bit in this chapter.

**Damian**: I'm being annoying.

1 – Cerberus is indeed adorable, and no, you can't have him.

2 – I'm making up for the recent lack of our favourite Lord of the Dead right now.

3 – I'm feeling better, so time for celebratory drink!

* * *

Hades: Should the celebratory basin be prepared for the aftermath of the celebratory drink?

Melora: I resent the implication that I go out with my friends purely so we can damage our livers.

Hades: True. Any celebratory drink you have normally results in some guy's evening being damaged as well as various livers. And I just get stuck back in your room to deal with the aftermath.

Melora: Ahem? You're coming with me. Like _you_ don't have something to celebrate?

Hades: YOU SAID YOU WEREN'T DOING THAT IF I APOLOGISED!

Melora: I lied. Deal with it.

* * *

Disclaimer: Seph, Bremos, Hyllus, Asclepius, Proteus, Telemachus, Nike, Agony, Torment and Coronis all belong to me. Take them, I set Cerberus on you. And how many times do I have to say Disney owns everything else?

/.../ denotes thoughts

* * *

**I Won't Say It: Part 31**

* * *

One perk of having children appears to be the number of hilarious and otherwise humiliating situations they can get themselves both into and out of.

When it involves a certain thunder-god pain of a big brother losing an argument spectacularly to three teenagers, all of whom happen to be related to said thunder-god; the entertainment level increases tenfold.

Leaning completely hidden behind a cloud pillar, the Lord of the Dead smirked as Bremos finished telling his uncle exactly where he could shove his authority.

As such, Hades had absolutely no intention of interrupting his son once he had started in on Zeus.

No need for the brat to know his father was impressed.

* * *

Ok, so trying to scorch the king of the god's head off with half-a-dozen fireballs maybe wasn't the best way of putting his argument across, but once Zeus wasn't trying to answer back.

The god of the undead didn't break eye contact with his uncle whatsoever. 'How 'bout we just spell it out in really big letters for you. Asclepius, dead. You, malicious git. Despite that…you, king of gods with power to revive the dead. See where we're goin' with this?'

Bremos had learnt a long time ago that the big cutesy-poo eyes never appeared to work on Zeus unless you happened to be immediate (and adored) family.

One brief argument later, and Hyllus was performing the wounded puppy look while Proteus had settled underneath a cumulo-nimbus bank, glaring at his uncle. The Prince of the Underworld had elected himself as public speaker with a majority of two.

'My grandson knew what the consequences were if he misused his powers. I merely followed the laws of Olympus.'

The king of the gods shifted in his cloud throne and squirmed under Bremos's gaze. The boy had an uncanny knack for making anyone who wronged him feel about the size of a cockroach. Presumably that was his father's influence.

* * *

Hidden inside the cumulo-nimbus bank, the goddess of victory curled her wings more tightly around her knees. It was already taking most of her concentration just to keep Bremos on the right track; she didn't really need Proteus to look up and see the feathers.

Her pride was still slightly injured from Bremos's comment re. the feathers anyway. Nike was proud of her wings, and rightly so. While almost all of the gods had the power to levitate, it took a lot of concentration for them to fly. All she had to do was flap.

Plus no one ever really expected the whole literal avenging angel deal anyway.

For Asclepius, she was willing to make an exception. And she could watch Bremos with getting embarrassed.

For one of the gods of the Underworld, he actually wasn't that bad looking...

* * *

The great poet, and Greekly World News reporter Homer, had once described the Elysian Fields as being a place of sunlight and warmth, where the souls of heroes, the good and the blessed could live a joyless but peaceful existence.

In Persephone's opinion, it was living proof that he'd never been there.

Hades had described it in a moment of outstanding sarcasm as 'the happiest place under Earth', and he hadn't been kidding. It was still something of a sore spot with the Lord of the Dead that Zeus had set it up so that he could never enter, but Seph, Bremos and the mutt could.

Which was something of a bonus, considering the inner workings of this little family reunion.

Asclepius and a very confused Cerberus trailed behind the goddess of rebirth as she led them through the sub-tropical temperatures of the afterlife.

Despite his urgent wish to resume breathing ASAP, the god of healing was busy fighting the urge to find a cocktail and sun kitan. Death was starting to look a little better from this perspective.

'There.'

Persephone stopped and squeezed his shoulder, gesturing towards a slender yet shapely figure pacing underneath one of the giant olive trees dotting the landscape.

Asclepius's heart started beating out a samba against his ribcage. His father had told him a little about his mother, mostly what she looked like, and the little about her personality that didn't send them both into a swirling depression.

He got the impression that maybe what Apollo had told him was a bit of an understatement. The woman beneath the tree was easily as tall as his father, but it was clear that she possessed a great deal of inner poise; the perfect compliment to her dark hair and bright green eyes.

Eyes just like his own…

Princess Coronis of Thessaly, for lack of a better word, was utterly stunning.

'Go on.'

Persephone nudged him towards the figure, keeping Cerberus restrained by the collars. It hadn't taken much to arrange the meeting, but now it really was up to the demi-god not to have a panic attack at the critical moment.

Judging from the way in which Coronis and her son had embraced, tears running down their faces, it was clear that this was a strictly family moment.

Leaning against Cerberus's leg, the goddess of rebirth sighed as her thoughts turned back to her own son. It wasn't often she pitied someone on the receiving end of one of Bremos's temper tantrums, but she almost felt sorry for Zeus.

Almost being the operative word.

She scratched the giant dog behind the ears and fought back a smile. Cerberus was being 'protective' again, and she had a pretty good idea why.

* * *

At his son's current level, Hades confidently predicted that Zeus would cave in about two minutes.

Grabbing his third bowl of popcorn out of the air, the Lord of the Dead smirked as he recognised the best weapon in Bremos's verbal arsenal.

The Guilt Trip.

The only way Bremos could ever con a bigger allowance out of him and Zeus was falling for it.

'Ok. Yeah. You made your point. Can't fault an argument like that.'

Bremos shrugged and held back a smirk. His dear old 'Unca Zoos' was starting to cave brilliantly.

'Makes me feel kinda bad though. I mean, _someone_'ll have to tell Apollo that he can't see his son ever again…'

He pushed his lower lip into a slight pout and attempted to look concerned.

Proteus and Hyllus were busy trying not to snigger. Zeus fell for the guilt every time.

And this was no exception.

* * *

Still inside the cloudbank, Nike was banging her head against her knees. All of her powers of victory and they were going into the biggest guilt trip this side of Olympus.

Lousy karma.

Lousy hormones.

Lousy son of Hades with lousy flame-headed charisma.

* * *

Zeus was fidgeting nervously with the edge of his robes. Sometimes it was hard being the king of the gods.

No instruction scrolls for a start.

He hadn't exactly considered the possibility of a vengeful sun-god. And Apollo might be slow to anger, but when he was pushed…Bremos did have a point.

'And I'm _sure_ it was for the best. I mean, he was only punished for _helping_ the _mortals_…'

But the gods were there to help and guide the mortals…weren't they?

The Prince of the Undead saw his chance. 'And sheez, I know that you'd do the same to _any_ of us if we disobeyed your authority. You'd even do that to _Hyllus_, even if he _is_ your own _grandson_…'

Kill his wonderful little Hyllus? His dear grandson, the son of his little Hercules? Even if the boy usurped his throne, he would never even _consider_ killing one of his own grandchildren…but…

Asclepius was his grandson too.

No.

He had killed one of his own grandchildren.

That made him even lower than Thanatos. At least the god of death actually felt regret when he killed. He hadn't felt anything except satisfaction.

Well, _that_ was the limit.

Zeus squirmed, but managed to look his nephew in the eye. 'Much as I hate to admit this…you are right.'

Bremos, Proteus and Hyllus traded identical smirks. Inside the cloudbank, Nike fought down her own whoop of victory. Underworld 1 - Olympus nil.

'Asclepius will be revived, but only as a mortal or a god. Under the circumstances, I believe that becoming a full god would be more suitable for him. One of you will need to inform Hades of this decision.'

* * *

Hades immediately seized the opportunity to humiliate his big brother with verbal and physical flames, and slid round the pillar into full view.

'No need babe. You already forgot the reason I was named Hades?'

It wasn't often the Lord of the Dead could cause looks of surprise from the gods. Any time he could, he milked it.

'You were hiding there the whole time?'

Zeus could feel a headache coming on. His baby brother would be reminding him of this little incident for at least the next four decades.

'Hiding goes with the job. And since _someone_ broke the helm of invisibility, hiding the flames ain't easy.'

Bremos was quietly trying to sidle away from Hades before the inevitable pre-atomic explosion occurred. /So much for hoping Dad wouldn't notice…/

'Umm, I'll…er, just go get Mom. Yeah…umm, see ya.'

The stream of profanity that came out of Hades's mouth would have made even the most seasoned Argonaut blush.

* * *

/Persephone wasn't been kidding when she said this place is heaven./

Asclepius wiped his nose on his kitan and let his mother hug him. This was beyond any of his dreams. His mom was here and she was safe and happy.

At least justice had been served, especially since…his lower lip started trembling again.

Coronis placed her hand underneath her son's chin and brought his face up so that she could look at him. 'Why the sad face sweetheart?'

'You wouldn't be here if…if I'd never…'

He looked away again and just hoped she wouldn't see him crying.

Her voice was still soft, but there was an undercurrent of steel that he couldn't help but listen to. 'Don't you ever, _ever_, say anything like that. Ever.'

'But…but if you hadn't had me, then…'

'Don't 'but if' me, young man. I wanted to have you, even though I knew I wouldn't survive giving birth.'

Asclepius looked slightly dazed. 'You…knew this would happen?'

'Mmm-hmm. Your dad knew what would happen as well. He didn't want me to die, but he and I both wanted you so badly…'

She squeezed her son's hand. 'I didn't worry or regret facing death as long as you lived. Apollo knew that as well. The only thing I regret is making you believe that you caused me to die.'

'So…I-I didn't kill you?'

'No. And don't ever think you killed me Asclepius. My own stubbornness killed me, not my little boy.'

Sixteen years of guilt and self-recrimination flooded out of Asclepius almost instantaneously. He hadn't killed his mother…she didn't hate him…he hadn't killed his mother…

* * *

'He's cheered up then?' Bremos glanced at the two spirits and scratched Cerberus behind the ears.

The giant dog immediately rolled over onto his back and whined at his favourite master. Purely to keep his pet happy, the Prince of the Underworld started tickling Cerberus' stomach.

'Let's just say there's a few less family problems now he's met his mother.'

Persephone wrapped her arms around her stomach and sighed. 'Time to break up this little reunion?'

'Yeah. Arguing with Zeus is really starting to lose its appeal. He gave up pretty fast.'

'Mostly because your uncle is a gullible idiot.'

Bremos smirked and shrugged. 'Well, I wasn't gonna say it, but…'

'Don't. And since the smirk isn't fading, I'll assume it's a full godly powers apology?'

'Since the only other option was turning him mortal, you can see the appeal of full god-hood.'

'True.' The goddess of rebirth stood and walked over towards Asclepius and Coronis. Mushy parting moments weren't exactly Bremos's style.

Annoying Zeus however…heh.

* * *

Hades had stopped howling a blue streak shortly before Seph and the ex-spirit had appeared, but there was still the little matter of how exactly Bremos had broken the helm of invisibility. For now, he kept his mouth shut and his arms around his wife as they and the rest of the Pantheon watched the ceremony.

Zeus fought off his pride and looked proudly down at his grandson, now solid and glowing with a faint purple aura. 'I hereby grant you both life and immortality. And…I'm…sorry about the way I punished you.'

Fighting back his tears, Apollo silently drew his son into an embrace. His little Asclepius was safely back on Olympus.

Keeping her husband's arms wrapped round her waist, Persephone smiled at the two gods. At least now Asclepius and Apollo would be able to move on from Coronis. She had made an arrangement with the spirit that Asclepius would be able to visit her in the Elysian Fields whenever he visited the Underworld. Now that was closure.

The solemnity of the event was wrecked ever so slightly by Bremos leading Hyllus and Proteus in their…unique…version of the Iberian wave.

* * *

Hovering over the Pantheon, Nike silently watched her fellow god as he bowed to Zeus and left to talk with his father. Asclepius was safe. Job done.

/So…you can stop staring at Bremos any time now.

Now.

Any time this century, Nike…/

* * *

Artemis sighed happily as she watched her nephew and her dear twin brother depart. Apollo had truly suffered beyond all imagination. She had helped him look after Asclepius so much after Coronis's death. Now they both needed to do some emotional healing of their own.

She made her way over to where her goddaughter stood and smiled as Bremos began to talk with his parents. The Prince of the Underworld had done this. She couldn't be more proud of him than if he were her own son.

And speaking of which…

'Little one? I believe I need to speak with you.'

Persephone immediately guessed what was coming. The two goddesses stepped behind a pillar, Artemis wearing a slightly embarrassed smile; Seph wearing a resigned grin.

'I thought as much.'

'Indeed. Considering the sickness, I'm surprised you didn't guess already.'

'I thought it was something to do with the last holiday we went on.'

'Marrakech?'

'Hmmm. Bremos was staying on Olympus, we were alone…all those sunsets, just the two of us…'

She sighed. Going on holiday had been a refreshing break from the influx of souls. And Africa was warm and utterly beautiful, even more so than Greece.

At least, it was beautiful before Hades ended up drinking putrid water by accident. Getting a spectacularly revolting stomach bug and exploding from every orifice defined him as a born romantic by anyone's measure.

Getting a suntan she had expected.

Getting pregnant hadn't featured highly on the list.

* * *

TBC

* * *

Hades: What did I do to deserve this?

Melora: You annoyed me, you insulted me, you ate my entire stash of Pop-Tarts…need I go on?

Hades: Coping with Mini-flame Number 1 was bad enough. Now I gotta cope with another one.

Melora: Excuse me? To say you were pleased you were going to be a daddy was something of an understatement.

Hades: Great. I get the one who has the photographic memory. How many gods have I pissed off recently?


	32. Chapter 32: Hormones: Good or Bad?

A/N: To answer all comments re. baby names, nope, I already chose. Sorry! And minor announcement; I'm updating my site right now and adding a Hercules section on. Anyone who sent me fanart relating to this fic - is it alright if I archive it on the site?

* * *

**Glinda**: You. Romantic. Nope, does not compute.

**Carmilla de Lestace**: Big apologies, been busy with essays over the past few weeks! I don't do angst very much - the sweetened version was written with the censor in mind.

**No need to know**: He's only just realised the irony of the comment now. Silly boy. And you'll just have to wait 8 or 9 months until the birth to find out!

**Damian**: I'm just smirking at this end. At least everyone loves the idea of another baby.

**Worldtraveler**: Very win-win situation all round. Except for Hades. He's still whining about it.

**VMorticia**: Ok, the helm of invisibility is actually part of Greek mythology. Turns the wearer invisible - hence one of the reasons Hades' name means 'unseen'. You'll have to wait and find out how it got broken…The Iberian wave is an early version of the Mexican wave and it involves a few _very_ crude hand gestures in Zeus's direction.

**Sarah Black**: I didn't realise I could write fluff, let alone good fluff. And again, wait and see!

**Jurious**: Hum. Needless to say, you'll find out pretty soon how the males of the Underworld take this little turn of events… And yet again, wow.

**Amp**: The picture was GORGEOUS. Puts all my crappy fanart to shame. And thank you kindly for the vote of confidence!

**YunCyn**: Yes, I did need to put the little accident Hades had in. Adds to the gross-out comedy factor. I'm not cruel enough to make Seph put up with _six _mini-Hades, but I'm cruel enough not to tell him what sex the bump is!

* * *

Hades: Please?

Melora: No.

Hades: Please?

Melora: Shut up.

Hades: Tell me or I break your fridge.

Melora: Not a chance. And anyway, I thought you didn't want another kid. Why the interest?

Hades: Is there any reason I can give that won't make me sound like a soft touch?

Melora: Hmmm…nope.

* * *

Disclaimer: This thing seems to get longer every time I write it. I own Seph, Bremos, Nike, Agony, Torment, Hyllus, Proteus, Asclepius, Telemachus, another new goddess and the new little lump-person who shall remain nameless…The big evil corporation known as Disney owns everything else.

/.../ denotes thoughts

* * *

**I Won't Say It: Part 32**

* * *

Another dawn broke across the sky; another day began under the warm light of the sun...

Another attempt was made by the Prince of the Underworld to rouse his brain cells long enough to form a coherent thought.

Well, two out of three ain't bad.

Despite his recent justice-filled uprising against the king of the gods, Bremos was desperate to shake off his 'hero' label and settle back into his 'genius godly troublemaker' mode.

Luckily, or unluckily depending how you looked at it, the rest of the Godsquad: The Next Generation, were more than happy to help him in his goal.

Ok, so maybe that test run of Pain and Panic's new virus wasn't exactly the way forward, but anthrax didn't sound like it was too dangerous anyway.

* * *

'Ahem. Attention everyone, this is a rather important announcement (unlike the usual drivel).' As per routine, Parenthesis's morning notices received their usual amount of attention and recognition. i.e. none at all.

Asclepius and Telemachus were both trying to finish their Grecian Studies homework while Proteus and Orion were busy aiming spit-wads at Arachne and Scylla. Hyllus was acting as mediator in a dispute between Perseus and Caeneus as to who the greatest fighter was, and Bremos was busy trying to finish off his slightly revolting breakfast.

'If all of you would turn to the front (rather than continue with your irrelevant bickering), you will notice we have two new students with us (Zeus have mercy on their souls).' The Pro. Ac. director rolled his eyes.

The god of loyalty gratefully left the two warriors to snipe at each other and slouched next to his best friend. 'Finally, respite from the muscle-bound freaks.'

Bremos smirked and swallowed the remains of his chocolate-covered falafel bar. 'I warned ya not to get involved.'

'Oh, shut up. Anyway, I thought you'd be poking fun at the new meat.'

'What new…? Wait, some poor suckers got landed with this class for homeroom?' The god of the undead cracked his knuckles. He wasn't the kind of deity to pass up any opportunity to annoy someone, particularly if one of them was…

'Hnuuuunnnnguuungnneeeep….'

…Particularly if one of them was easily the most _gorgeous_ girl this side of the Elysian Fields.

She had thick curly brown-blonde hair and deep blue, almost indigo coloured eyes set in a perfect heart-shaped face. Her body was petite, but there was an indefinable sense of strength and presence about her, even down to the white, feathered cloak she wore. No…not a cloak…wings…

She was…wow.

Wait wait wait…WINGS?

* * *

Hyllus only just managed to can a full-blown hysterical fit. Bremos only ever acted this…goofy…when confronted with food and/or the perfect prank.

Acting this way around a girl, especially one who had wings…

/Wings…?/

But the only goddess he'd ever heard of who had wings was…oh, _great_.

He sighed and waved a hand in front of his cousin's face. 'Helloooooo? Gaea to Bremos, anyone in there?'

Bremos continued to stare straight ahead. 'You have reached the Prince of the Underworld. Bremos is currently unavailable at the moment, so if you leave a message after the beep, he'll get back to you…Beep.'

'Point one; you're drooling over the desk. Point two; have you checked your sanity recently?'

The Prince of the Underworld managed to drag his eyes away from the vision sulking at the front of the classroom. 'What's up with you?'

Hyllus groaned. 'Grandpa told me about her. That's Nike, goddess of victory. She works with my Aunt Athena.'

Reality made a very cold hard appearance in Bremos's dazed world. 'Athena?' /Oh, brilliant. The one goddess most likely to advocate industrial-strength celibacy and she controls a _babe_ like her…/

'Yep. Handle with care.'

'I make no promises.' The Prince of the Underworld sighed. Lousy karma…waiiiit…two new suckers. Correction, one new sucker and one rival for Aphrodite on Earth. So who was…?

Something approaching a herniated squeak emerged from his cousin's direction. Apparently he had spotted the other newbie. Glad to be able to watch Nike again, Bremos turned his stare back to the front of the classroom.

Hooo boy.

/I was wondering when she'd turn up…/

The nymph-look-alike standing beside Nike was pretty sexy.

In a curvy, slightly airhead-looking way.

Very, very curly white-blond hair and green eyes, maybe just a bit shorter than Hyllus. But way too curvy and dainty for his liking.

Well, it was a little difficult to be impartial about her. After all, Voluptas, goddess of pleasure _was_ someone he'd been irritating for most of his life.

* * *

Having another baby was fair enough. Another child to love and fuss over was something she had wanted for a long time now.

But the morning sickness she could definitely live without.

Curling up under the blankets, Persephone groaned slightly as her stomach made another lurch. The only good thing was at least she wouldn't need to be sick again for a while yet. And at least the nausea wasn't yet as bad as when she'd been pregnant with Bremos.

She rolled over and tried to settle down again. Hades was already up and Bremos had long since left for the surface. Right now, her plans for the morning involved sleep with the occasional run for the bathroom.

Sleep sounded good.

* * *

Leaning quietly against the doorframe as he studied his wife's tightly curled form, Hades tried to ignore the little twinge of guilt in his head. Lousy stagnant water.

As if getting that weird disease…cholera, or something…hadn't been bad enough, now Seph was ill. Getting the dents out of the helm of invisibility could wait for the moment. His wife's health was what concerned him right now.

* * *

/Oooooh…stomach…/

Putting all of her stomach muscles to work holding the remains of her breakfast down, the goddess of rebirth lifted her head a few inches off her pillow and rolled over towards the sound of flames. Only Hades could ever be this attentive.

Even if he was the cause of her current situation.

He stroked her hair and settled back next to her. 'Still can't catch wink one, huh babe?'

'You try getting any rest when you've just seen your last meal in full rerun.'

'Charming as ever.'

Blindly hoping she wasn't about to puke over him, Hades lifted his wife into his arms and let her head rest against his chest. Never one to turn down some sympathy, Persephone willed her stomach to stay still while she got comfortable, nuzzling into Hades's neck and wrapping her arms around his waist. If the god of the dead was offering himself up as an immortal pillow, she wasn't about to reject that offer.

And he _did_ make a good pillow…she was exhausted…maybe a little nap would help…

* * *

'Seph?'

Judging by the goddess's breathing, it looked like he was stuck there for the next few hours. Not that the Lord of the Dead was making any complaints.

Deities couldn't die, but they aged just like the mortals. Persephone's body and face hadn't changed much since she had returned from Asia Minor to Olympus. Her hair was longer and her aura seemed a little lighter than before, but the biggest change was her eyes. She never lost the shimmer in them that said 'whatever-you've-got-to-say-better-be-worth-it', but it had been joined by pride and love; for her husband and for her son.

Admittedly it could just have been several scaldings, a few black eyes and a number of broken bones talking, but Hades was almost afraid to look at his wife for too long. For most of the past two decades, he'd felt as if he didn't truly deserve Seph. Even after she had told him she loved him, and even after she had carried and given birth to his son…damn.

* * *

Persephone groaned as her stomach muscles twinged and her peaceful doze came to a rather sore end.

/…Stomach…owies…/

Luckily this stomach-ache didn't involve a suicide run for the bathroom. Just a few complaining muscles in her gut. Shuffling closer to her makeshift pillow, the goddess of rebirth rested her chin on Hades's chest and quietly stared up at him.

In his own morbid, amoral kind of way, Hades was pretty attractive. While he didn't have the perfectly sculpted good looks of Adonis or most of the other gods, there was something about him that attracted both trouble and the goddess of rebirth like a magnet. The blue flaming hair, the sharp features, the hooded eyes, the perpetual smirk…she wasn't sure herself.

Ok, so his sense of humour was frankly sick, and he did approach life with all the cheeriness and chicanery of a used chariot salesman, but still…

/…He wouldn't be Hades if he was like the rest of the gods./

The crucial difference between the god who was holding her right now and the ever-scheming Lord of the Dead appeared to be the lack of his trademark smirk. She knew he only ever let that morbid little smile drop when he was around her.

Somehow it just made him seem more vulnerable, calmer.

Well, no complaints here.

'Seeing you without the smirk…s'kinda nice.' Even when she felt this nauseous, Persephone couldn't resist annoying her grouchier half.

'Heh. Thought you'd dozed off for sure, babe.'

'And miss you being mushy and attentive? Get real.'

Hades shrugged, the smirk making a reappearance. 'Well, there goes my rep.'

'Hey. I never said I didn't like it.' Ignoring a scroll of complaints from her muscles, she looped her arms around her husband's neck and pulled herself close enough to kiss him. The Lord of the Dead was more than willing to accommodate; sitting up a little more so that Seph could curl up in his lap.

'Much as I appreciate the unexpected smoochy-time, you wanna tell me what's wrong?'

'Fortunately for you, it's not cholera.'

'Do you have to keep bringing that up?'

'You'd rather I brought my breakfast up instead?'

'Last comment retracted.'

'Di…' Her last words vanished as she turned an interesting shade of green, rolled out of bed and ran for the bathroom. The sounds of retching with the occasional curse thrown in indicated to Hades that any smoochy-time, intended or otherwise, was postponed until further notice.

'So you want me to cancel lunch?'

There was a brief pause in the retching. 'You…are _not_…_helping_…'

'I'll take that as a yes. And when do I find out if you're contagious?'

'Ten…minutes. Throne-room. Now…just shut up and let me…' Persephone's words disappeared as soon as she resumed reacquainting herself with her last meal.

* * *

Dignity.

Poise.

Calm.

Sarcastic nuance.

All of it was flying out the atrium window as Hyllus held his cousin up by the front of his robes, firing enough questions to rival the average Pro. Ac. History mid-term.

'Who was she? How'd you know her? Is she seeing anyone? Mortal or goddess? Does she like redhead gods? You think she likes me?'

Bremos rolled his eyes. Whatever Voluptas's appeal was, it appeared to have turned his cousin into a raving, fast-talking maniac. He'd been hanging round the Prince of the Underworld too long.

'Ok, first point, put me down. Second point, do I have to answer this stuff in order?'

The god of loyalty decided in the best interests of his love life not to punch the flames out of his deadpan cousin.

'In order. Pleeeeeease? C'mon, I'll give you the scoop on Nike…'

Sometimes the generic bribe always worked. Bremos's eyes widened just before his 'Do-not-disturb-while-thinking' smirk engaged in full force.

'Her name's Voluptas, goddess of pleasure. Her mom's a friend of my mom. I got dragged over to see them a lot when I was a kid. Not seeing anyone from what I know. Immortal; her dad's the god of desire and her mom's the goddess of the soul. No idea as to preferences, but after seeing _you_ trying to stare holes through her kitan…good luck.'

'Thanks _so_ much for the vote of confidence.'

Asking for any help from Bremos generally involved a fair dosage of embarrassment. But something he'd said about Voluptas's parents…

God of desire…that _had_ to be Eros. And he was…eeep.

Voluptas was Aphrodite's granddaughter. Small wonder she looked familiar.

'Ok, you said you give me the scoop on the angel. Now start giving.'

Time for a little revenge.

'You know the name and title. She's got a kinda conflicting parentage. Her dad's a Titan, her mom was a sea-nymph. And you think Athena's likely to let her date the god of the undead? Shyeah right.'

Ouch. Not exactly confidence inspiring.

Asclepius and Proteus shot a semi-despairing look at each other. Telemachus raised an eyebrow.

'You both like them, right? So why not just talk to them?'

The two gods looked scandalised. 'NO!'

* * *

'Get real!'

Voluptas winced and grinned at her be-winged best friend. If Nike was in denial about a guy like this…

Then again, she'd known Bremos since the little flame-headed jerk had been old enough to throw fireballs at her.

Bremos's cousin…now he was pretty sweet…

'All I asked was for you to talk to him. Is that so frightening?'

Nike paced around the floor of the girls' locker-rooms. Why Athena had to send her here when she could be out helping the Grecian military…but then _Bremos_ had to show up.

She groaned. If he hadn't been completely put off by her expression in homeroom, she'd be impressed.

'It's different for you, 'Tas. You don't have the goddess of war and wisdom for your guardian. Athena would blow her stack if I ever said I liked a guy, especially the son of Hades…'

'Hmmm. So it's absolutely _nothing_ to do with your brothers, then?'

The goddess of victory slumped on a bench and stared at the tiles. Her older brothers…she hadn't even thought about them.

Zelos, Cratos and Bia would have a field day once they found out about this.

* * *

TBC

* * *

Hades: When am I supposed to find out about the latest brat?

Melora: Next chapter, I promise.

Hades: The only thing you _ever_ promise to do is humiliate me.

Melora: Notice the complete lack of gasps following that statement.

Hades: I really, _really_ hate you right now.

Melora: I'm flattered.


	33. Chapter 33: Love Hurts

A/N: Anyone who wants to read about my boring and occasionally insane life, my LiveJournal username is, surprise surprise: mmaxwell. Enjoy!

* * *

**Silverrain**: Hey, 'tis not polite to steal from the author. Especially when the author is currently ill and currently bearing a striking resemblance to the Grim Reaper's passport photo.

**Worldtraveler**: Don't ask me how pregnancy works, I just write about it. And I'm not going to drag this pregnancy out too much – even I'm not that cruel. As for the age thing…worked in the TV series!

**VMorticia**: Voldemort was funding Disney? Well, that explains a lot. And Hades may be one of the smartest gods, but he's only had to put up with one kid. He isn't an expert at recognising impending fatherhood.

**Sarah Black**: I have chosen the name and it's not Pandora! No! You love Hades? I couldn't tell.

**Firebird234**: As for Athena finding out…wait and see!

**Alex**: Thank you! Here's the next chapter!

**Jurious**: Yep, morning sickness is a bitch. Hmmm…what's going to happen when my Seph gives birth? Now _that's_ a disclaimer and a half!

**Glinda**: It is not dangerous to hug Hades when he's being semi-adorable. Emphasis on the semi.

**Mom**: The reason I managed to get Bremos's reaction down well is because I've lived around teenage boys for many years. They act like that a lot. And you…well, you put up with Dad for this long. Hence my confused understanding of married life. Yes, I will put more Cerberus in; he's got another pup to look after!

**Amp**: Thank you! I'm trying to draw my own version of Seph as well, but there was a reason I failed Art at school. Ah well, I will persevere.

**Carmilla de Lestace**: I'm blushing at this end. And that's not a good thing in a public computer lab. Erm, Voluptas…she's goddess of pleasure and the daughter of Eros and Psyche.

**Marie Allen**: Frankly, I have to agree; Hades is adorable as a daddy. Yes, he's cute. Yes, I'm getting the glare. Yes, I'm receiving a death threat. Yes, I'm shutting up.

**YunCyn**: Haven't seen the site, can you give me the addy? Ah, teenage love. I still have to put up with it. BTW Timon…loved the fic. Much as I love seeing Hades squirm, I do love seeing him do the proud expectant daddy thing. It doesn't happen that often.

**Cheerleader 15**: Hey, hormones are never that simple. And as for Bremos asking Nike out…will get dealt in the next few chapters. Sort of.

**No need to know**: Indeed. But at least Seph will be supportive of Bremos and Nike. Somehow, you really get the feeling Hades and Athena won't be.

* * *

Hades: By the way, what's with the jumper?

Melora: Hides my neck. And it's nothing like that! It hides my poor infected throat.

Hades: Your throat's inside your body. How's a jumper supposed to…OK. That is officially the grossest thing I've ever seen.

Melora: Hence the high neck. My poor swollen glands are the last things anyone should have to see. Except you.

Hades: I'm touched. Really.

* * *

Disclaimer: I own Seph, Bremos, Agony, Torment, Hyllus, Asclepius, Proteus, Telemachus, Nike, Voluptas and the little bump-person. All else belongs to Disney. Lucky sods.

/.../ denotes thoughts

* * *

**I Won't Say It: Part 33**

* * *

'You're **WHAT?!**'

It looked like Artemis owed her ten drachmas as to Hades's reaction.  
Then again, maybe she could've broken the news a tad more gently.

The morning sickness having relatively cleared for the day, Persephone settled back into her throne and tried not to snigger at her husband's expression.

To say Hades was a little surprised was a bit of an understatement. Only complete and total shock was enough to make his flames burn out. The bald head combined with eyes the size of dinner-plates and his mouth hanging open hinted that he'd had no idea that fatherhood was about to come calling again.

'Pregnant. One little word with two syllables. It's not that easy to mistake.'

Coherence made a brief appearance as Hades managed to re-ignite his hair. 'Nuuuh…maaa…buuuu…jeee…_when_?'

'And there's that award winning intelligence.'

The goddess of rebirth rested her hand over Hades's fists. 'Remember Marrakech?'

The Lord of the Dead slumped back in his throne and sulked. 'Little hard to forget, babe.'

'Uh-huh. Well…you know that oasis we went to? The first night we were there?'

One eyebrow was raised upwards. 'Yeah…oh. Ah.'

'So needless to say, I'm about two months gone. And Olympus calls in a few more days.'

/And if he's being like this…it might just be for the best./

Giving up on any kind of conversation, Persephone quietly stood up and went to stand by the throne-room window, trying not to tear up and keeping her arms wrapped around her stomach.

Hades's reaction had been enough for her. He didn't want another kid.  
Trying to keep an eye on one child was difficult enough. Keeping an eye on Bremos and another kid…

* * *

'Sometimes you confuse the hell outta me, Seph.' Two smoky grey arms looped around her from behind, drawing her into an embrace.

The Lord of the Dead kissed the top of his wife's head and let his hands drop to her stomach. 'You think I don't want another kid?'

Persephone's eyes widened slightly as she turned round and gazed up into one very smug grin. 'But…I thought you…'

'Hey. Shocked, yeah. Pleased, hell yes. Angry, never.'

She sighed in relief and leaned against her husband. 'Ok, major weight off my mind.'

'True. And if you're carrying another brat, you need some major weight off your feet as well, babe.'

'And…how exactly do you propose I do that?'

It was worth a try to con some sympathy from Hades. It didn't work most of the time, but it was worth a giggle.

Underneath the calculatedly nonplussed look, Hades's mind was racing. 'Well…since you don't seem to look like an over-inflated balloon _yet_, then…how 'bout this?'

It took absolutely no effort to lift his wife up into his arms and carry her back over to their thrones. He wasn't inclined to let her go either. Not in her condition.

But since the baby was still a cluster of cells…delayed smoochy time could maybe go off-hold for a while.

Delayed smoochy time did indeed go off-hold.

With just a couple of bathroom breaks.

* * *

Bremos squeezed his eyes shut and sucked in a breath of air.

'I can do this. I can do this. I am the god of the undead. I am the Crown Prince of the Underworld and Ruler of the Asphodel Fields. I am the son of Hades and Persephone, and a grandson of Cronus. I can do this, I can do this, I can…'

He cracked open one eye and stared at the fluttering white wings just a few hundred yards away.

'I can't do this I can't do this I can't do this I can't do this I can't do this I can't do this awwwww hell hyperventilating hyperventilating…'

Collapsing on the bench beside the god of loyalty, his face started turning bluer than normal as he began to wheeze.

'Try breathing. I hear it's quite popular with the mortals and hypochondriacs.' Hyllus rubbed his cousin's back and grinned helplessly at Bremos's condition.

Nike must have really hit his system hard to get him acting this stupid. Especially if he was this nervous about simply talking to her.

Of course he wasn't going to say this unless he wanted a repeat hysterical fit, but…

Proteus cocked his head sidewise at the winged goddess and studied her. Being a shapeshifter meant he didn't really feel the need to pair off with any females. Plus, trying to keep an eye on his father's fish-flock and avoiding future-desiring mortal cheapskates was bad enough without suddenly needing to find a procreation partner for life.

But it didn't stop him from trying it on with any female who happened to have a pulse.

'Go talk to her. C'mooon, you're the god of the undead, stop being a wuss!'

Asclepius sighed and walked out into the light of the gymnasium, neatly scooping up his cousin by the arm. 'You and I need to have a little talk…'

* * *

'Don't say it. Do not say it. If you're my best friend, you will not…'

Hyllus opted to mimic the god of healing and shoved Bremos out onto the grass track. 'Go talk to her. Now.'

'You said it. I hate you. Here goes nada.'

Shoring up his adolescent courage, the god of the undead nervously made his way across the track, deliberately kicking over five hurdles purely to annoy the track team, and stopped a few feet away from Voluptas and his vision of Olympus, currently tying up her sandals.

* * *

Her sandals really didn't need retying, but it meant she could steal a little look at Bremos. He really was one of the smartest and obnoxious guys on campus, but most of that was genetics. But his looks…

Nike had prided herself on not paying attention to any guy who remotely liked her. Ever since she was little, she had wanted to be like Athena, even down to the whole no-men-virgin-goddess thing. Now…

Athena would kill her for this. But Bremos…

/Oh, get real. You don't even know the guy and you suddenly go goo-goo when you see him, even for a second? Plus he's probably got about half the female population of Pro. Ac. wanting to go out with him. Why would he ever want you?/

Her angst trip was halted very pleasantly by a nudge at her side. Voluptas was wearing the biggest grin this side of Arcadia and nodding towards a tall, dark and drop…hell, you know the line…standing a short distance away from her and yelling a fairly colourful string of insults at the track team.

'Time to make your move, sweetie.'

'Hell no. Not like this!'

'Hello? You're the goddess of victory. Just use your powers and bam! Love-connection!'

Nike managed to fight a blush at the word 'love'. Bremos and love was a weird concept…but it did feel kind of nice.

'No. I'm doing this the right way. No powers, no tricks. Either he likes me, or…' She didn't want to think about the other possibility.

She didn't think she could cope if he didn't like her.

But only one way to find out.

She stood up and took a deep breath. 'Hey, Flame Boy! Wanna race me?'

* * *

'Oh, bite me, bite me, bite me ya big over-muscled sonnova…neeeeurp!'

Bremos' mouth took a few seconds to catch up with his brain. His vision just…_spoke_…to him.

To _him_.

_To_ him.

_To. Him_.

/Pleasepleaseplease let it be me let it be me pleasepleaseplease Aphrodite let me say something normal pleasepleaseplease…/

'Talking to me, babe?' /I said something coherent. Thank you all eavesdropping deities…./

Nike grinned and stretched her arms. 'I don't see your dad anywhere around, so yeah, I mean you. Wanna race?'

The god of the undead raised an eyebrow. 'What the hell. I'm warning ya, I'm not the fittest physical specimen around, babe. Be gentle.'

'You look pretty fit to me.'

Her eyes widened as she flung her wings up over her face.

/I did not just say that I did not just say that I did not just say that…I did just say that. Oh shitty _death_…/

Bremos was fighting one of the biggest, goofiest, cheesiest, smug grins from spreading across his face.

/Thank you thank you thank you…/

'I _love_ true confessions. Especially female ones. You beat me; I don't torture ya with it.'

The blush died immediately. Nike smirked and dropped her wings. 'Oh please. You? Beat me? Shyeah.'

'Try me.'

* * *

The goddess of victory warily poked at Bremos's unconscious form. 'What happened with him? I wasn't even going that fast.'

Hyllus sighed and grabbed the water from Voluptas, trying not to go gooey-eyed at the sight of her being worried and tender. Maybe he should pass out if it resulted in the cute, concerned treatment.

'When he said he wasn't fit, he wasn't kidding. This is the god who's achieved a straight row of Deltas in Gym since he was six years old.'

'So it was a bit of an understatement then.'

'Just a little.'

'So maybe asking him to beat me in a sprint race wasn't the best idea in the world.'

Voluptas sighed and leant slightly against Hyllus, smiling as she noticed the soppy grin spreading across his face. Somehow, it just looked adorable on the god of loyalty.

'Maybe not hun. I don't think I've ever seen anyone throw up that much.'

Hyllus smirked. 'Yeah. Come on. Wakey wakey champ. Don't want to disappoint all your loyal sporting fans.'

Voluptas and Nike took the opportunity to leave while the various immortal males sorted themselves out.

* * *

It is a truth universally acknowledged that remaining unconscious while a basin of cold water is being thrown at your head is not easy.

To give Bremos credit, he tried.

His head felt like there was a troupe of tap-dancing satyrs kicking his brain to shreds.

'Awww sheeez…what the hell…what happened back there?'

Asclepius sat him up. 'Nike beat you in Zeus-knows-how many seconds, but it was pretty damn speedy. You eventually managed to run the whole circuit in under a minute, then walked off the track, threw up, and fell over.'

'In front of…?' He didn't need to finish.

'Yep. In front of Nike.' Hyllus and Asclepius sighed.

Bremos fell back against the grass and groaned loudly.

He was _not_ having a good day.

* * *

Dragging his sandals across the floor of the palace kitchens, the Prince of the Underworld resisted the temptation to jam his head in the chopping block and dice his brains out with one of the sharper meat cleavers.

Maybe Nemesis did speacil packages on vengeance against the Fates. Puking in front of someone who was potentially in line for maybe possibly hopefully getting off with…

And getting detention for throwing up over the athletics track was just the hummus on the pitta.

Hmmmm…hummus.

Snack.  
Food.  
Now.

Mind-numbing teenage heartbreak took a small break in favour of refilling a recently emptied stomach.

Sitting on the marble counter and chewing on one of his patented feta-cheese, chicken, onion, thousand island salad and hummus falafel pittas, Bremos's brain started logically weighing up the options re. sorting out his tangled (ha!) love life:

Option 1: Do nothing. Very tempting, but somehow…nope.

Option 2: Ask his dad for advice. Somehow his parents had gotten together without Cupid's help. However…subject to humiliation, ridicule and spectacularly bad advice. Pass.

Option 3: Ask his mom for advice. Still the risk of taunting and teasing, but more likely to be supportive and better advice.

Conclusion? Ask Mom.

Hades was most likely to be in the throne-room, but considering his mom had been screaming death-threats between hurls the past few mornings…she'd be in her bedroom if nowhere else.

Trying to work a piece of chicken bone out of his teeth, Bremos slouched up towards the throne-room in reluctant search of maternal advice.

* * *

'You do realize there's one person who probably won't see the bright side of this.'

Persephone rubbed her stomach and glanced over at a very contented Hades. It didn't take much to please the Lord of the Dead. Private time alone was enough to cheer him up. The news that he was going to be a father again meant that the self-satisfied smirk hadn't left his face all day.

'Your mother?'

'Grow up. You know damn well who.'

'Hey, the kid's tough. He'll adjust.'

'He'll have to. He's gotta put up with a fat, pregnant mom for the next seven or eight months. Somehow I don't think he'll thank me for ruining his fragile air of adolescent popularity.'

'Gods, I love teenagers.'

Seph just rolled her eyes and kissed him. 'I'll just choose to ignore the bare-faced sarcasm.'

* * *

'Eurrgh. Why do I have to get the parents who can be found eating each other's faces at any given moment?'

Ah. Enter the walking testosterone level.

'Hey, could be worse. Could be Aphrodite and Ares.' The goddess of rebirth sniggered. Now that would be a suitably disturbing mental image to her son's eyes.

Bremos winced and fought back his gag reflex. 'Ack, pass.'

Hades' smirk temporarily headed south. 'Ditto.' Glancing over at his son, the smirk returned along with…_the look_.

The look which Bremos knew meant something was about to happen.

And he wasn't gonna like it either.

'Congrats are in order, oh brat of mine. You're getting a new sibling. Your mom's pregnant.'

'Thank you Hades. You couldn't have been any less tactless?'

'Tact's just a way of not saying true stuff. I'll pass.'

The goddess of rebirth studied her son. He hadn't budged from his current slouch against the wall. 'Think you'll be able to cope with a pregnant mother for the next few months?'

'Whatever.' Bremos shrugged and turned to leave.

/So, to sum up; I meet the goddess of my dreams, she happens to like me back, I throw up two meals worth of food in front of her, I have to ask my mother for romantic advice, my mother is pregnant, I have to go back to Olympus in thr--/

The penultimate piece of data in his internal monologue finally registered with his higher brain functions.

'**WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTT?!**'

Persephone sighed. 'I. Am. Two. Months. Pregnant. How I can make that any clearer, I don't know.'

'You're…having…baby…dad…you…'

Hades looked nonplussed. 'Looks like I can't deny paternity.'

'But…but…but…WHEN?!'

'In about seven months, give or take.'

'And…me…big…brother…little…' A very shaky grin was starting to crawl across Bremos's face.

'Mmm-hmmm. You'll have either a little brother or sister. That sound ok?' Persephone was starting to grin herself.

'…Yeah…umm…wow.'

His mind was racing once again. A little brother or sister…it couldn't be that bad, could it?

And it might just help to solve the Nike conundrum at the same time.

* * *

TBC

* * *

Hades: So why'd you have to infect me with your stupid virus?

Melora: You were being obnoxious.

Hades: And that's a reason to make me completely and embarrassingly reliant on you?

Melora: Yeah. You're actually quite sweet when you're ill. Except for the coughing and choking and medication and heat rashes…

Hades: Whoah whoah whoah… _heat rash_?


	34. Chapter 34: The things we do for sanity

A/N: Two teeny weeny points to make. First off, not saying anything about what sex the bump is until it's born. Second…I AM NOT CALLING THE POOR KID PANDORA! I don't like the name and it just doesn't work.

* * *

**AimzNemesis, Sadistic Scorpion**: Life would be too straightforward if Bremos and Nike got together easily. So I'm just prolonging the agony for a while. And see? I've continued!

**Doinkchan**: Needless to say, see my author's note. And as for Athena's and Hades's reactions…too good an opportunity to pass up!

**Mom**: You do internalised insecurity? I though you got rid of most of it by nagging me about my student loan.

**Dragonsbane**: Duh, course he has a plan! BTW, what was the 'nooooooooooo…' in aid of?

**Silverrain**: I'm feeling better, needless to say. Hades is now ill and he's being a pain in the butt about it.

**VMorticia**: You already know what sex it is, I told you the last time I was home! And the undead will turn up soon, promise!

**Carmilla de Lestace**: Nope, no hints hun. VMorticia knows purely because she's one of my close friends.

**Jurious**: Don't worry, Bremos is just as scheming as his dad, but he is looking forward to being a big brother despite the Nike situation.

**YunCyn**: Laughter is often best when dealing with teenage high jinks. And the little incident with the running, puking and falling over? That was something I did in Games a few years ago when I was still in my evil all-girls school. It didn't help that my Games teacher just laughed at me.

**Zephiey**: Aww, thank you!

**Solitareone**: Of course Bremos is so…Hades. They're very scarily alike. Bremos is just more gorgeous.

**Sarah Black**: Mmmmm, chocolate sauce…

**No need to know**: Dunno about the amphora painter, but if anyone can draw a good picture of Hades's reaction, mail it to me!

* * *

Hades: Gorgeous, am I? So you finally admit it.

Melora: I have no problems with admitting your visual appeal. It's the rest of you I have issues with.

Hades: Such as?

Melora: Personality, lack of morals, ethics, and so on.

Hades: Morals and ethics just get in the way of life.

* * *

Disclaimer: Seph, Bremos, Hyllus, Agony, Torment, Asclepius, Proteus, Telemachus, Nike, Voluptas, the bump, another new goddess, two semi-professional lions and a screaming mouth ulcer all belong to me. The rest is Disney's own. So unfair.

/.../ denotes thoughts

* * *

**I Won't Say It: Part 34**

* * *

Two weeks worth of laundry was strewn over the floor. Something that closely resembled primordial soup was growing over the full set of abandoned crockery. The one chair that wasn't covered in general rubbish was currently seating Agony and Torment, both of whom had no desire to set their clawed feet among the wreckage.

In the middle of this, roughly where the bed was meant to be, a heap of black bedclothes were piled up over a semi-conscious, but fully sulking body.

Bremos rolled his eyes. He'd heard that depression was meant to be like a giant black blanket, but Hades was just taking it to extremes.

Anyway, his dad didn't get depressed. He just went into a fairly unpleasant sulk for a few days. A week tops. But this…

* * *

Ever since Persephone had returned to Olympus, Hades had descended further and further into a brooding fit. It had been hard enough the first time Seph had left for the surface. It had gotten even worse after Bremos had been born. Since hitting double digits the kid had been allowed to stay wherever he wanted, which had eased the sulking fits slightly.

But now Seph was pregnant again, and she was away from him.

And the crowning turd in the waterpipe? His wife's due date meant she would probably still be on Olympus when the kid turned up.

The Lord of the Dead currently didn't see the bright side of his situation.

* * *

'Dad? If you're just gonna sit around looking pissed for the next six months, can I borrow the Furies to get to school?'

The pile of scorched bed linen turned towards the door and the sound of the voice. And if linen could glare…

'I'm depressed but I ain't stupid. Not after the last time.'

Time for a desperate display of cuteness. 'Awwwww daaaaaad…OK, how many times d'you want me to say it? I am sorry!'

'Oh please.'

'It…it was an accident!'

'An accident. Yeah, _right_. The only things deeper than those scratches are Poseidon's lousy ocean trenches.'

The Prince of the Underworld smirked. 'You're insulting Uncle Po-po. Someone's perking up.'

'Go annoy the mortals.'

'Whatever.' Bremos wandered out into the hallway. 'I might go see Mom after detention. Any messages?'

'Yeah. Next time she has a brat, could she try timing it any better?'

* * *

'You lean your head on the desk any longer, people are gonna think you're a piece of abstract art.' Hyllus chewed quietly on the end of his charcoal and winced at the taste.

'I'm tired. Sue me.'

Bremos chose not to look up at his cousin. Much as the god of loyalty was being supportive, he still had no idea. Coping with living half his life in the Underworld and putting up with semi-depressed parents for six months out of the year was hard enough. All that plus coping with a pregnant mother…

Living without Valium was a bitch.

'Bremos, stop stressing. Demeter, my grandma and my mom are all looking after your mom, you know that.'

'Yeah. And who's supposed to be looking after my dad? _His_ mom?'

Asclepius looked up. 'Why not?'

'It was a rhetorical question.'

'So? It makes sense.'

The god of the undead rolled his eyes. 'I joke, they listen. I employ sarcastic nuance, no-one takes me seriously.'

Proteus honed in on the conversation long enough to stop tripping up Arachne. 'We're ready to try anything that stops you whinging for five minutes.'

'And thank you so much for the emotional support.'

'C'mon Bremos. Can't hurt to try.'

'Ok, genius. Then where exactly is my other grandma if she doesn't live on Olympus, hmm?'

At the other end of the table, Nike chose to abandon her meal-formerly-known-as-lunch and listen in on the boys' conversation for a while. She already the circumstances surrounding Bremos' parents, but she hadn't realised that he was about to become a big brother.

'Other grandma'…

That _had_ to be…hoo boy.

* * *

After the little incident with Cronus trying to eat all of his sons at birth a few thousand years earlier, Rhea, the goddess of fertility, the Queen of Olympus and the mother of Zeus, Poseidon and Hades had decided to leave Olympus permanently. According to Athena, she was one of the few deities blessed with a dose of common sense _plus_ the obligatory sarcasm.

While she was certain that Zeus and Poseidon could look after themselves, Rhea had always been a little protective over her youngest son.

Needless to say, after spending his informative years sulking inside his father's guts, Hades had been something of a mommy's boy after being rescued by Zeus.

* * *

'Someone planning a family visit?'

The look of adolescent embarrassment on Bremos's face wasn't easily missed.

'Nyuung…I mean, does the phrase 'private conversation' mean anything to you?'

She pretended to think. 'Not when you're whining in double decibels about your stress levels.'

Hyllus sighed. 'Welcome to my life. I have to put up with his complaints six days a week and twice on Sundays.'

'The whining should reduce round about now. Rhea lives over in Crete, according to Athena.'

The Prince of the Underworld looked fairly nonplussed. Nike had learnt fairly fast that the nonplussed look meant he was plotting something.

Probably something stupid/self-serving/dangerous or utterly brilliant.

Frankly, her drachmas were placed on stupid.

* * *

Sprawled out on one of the cloud couches, Persephone closed her eyes and cursed every single goddess of motherhood she knew for inventing morning sickness. At least it would only be for another few weeks.

Another few weeks too long.

Wringing out another cloth and placing it on the goddess's forehead, Megara settled herself on the edge of the couch and squeezed her best friend's hand.

Persephone sighed. 'I know I said I wanted another kid, but frankly this has to be the worst timing I've ever been subjected to.'

'It's not just the sickness. You miss Hades.'

It wasn't a question.

She sighed and fought back the rising lump in her throat. 'It already hurts when I have to leave him, but now…'

'You managed before. What makes you think you can't manage now?'

'It's…'

She looked up into the face of the goddess of devotion. Meg wouldn't judge her, she was certain of that.

'It's been so long since Bremos was a baby. And back then, I just had to look after myself and the bump. Now…now I'm raising him, trying to look after myself, looking after the baby…and Hades wants to be around to look after me, but he can't. I'm due to give birth while I'm up here, and I'd love to see how Zeus'll take _that_ piece of news.'

'All in all…you want to be back in the Underworld.'

The goddess of devotion saw why Seph hadn't dared tell her mother what was bothering her. Demeter still gave the word 'denial' new meaning. Granted, she spoilt Bremos rotten, but it had never been stated that she had to approve of his father.

'…Yeah…I guess I do.'

'Another six months. Just remember that. And anyway, pregnancy's hardly an exact science. The baby might come early, it might be a few weeks late.'

The goddess of rebirth was starting to brighten up slightly. 'True. Then again, if Bremos was anything to go by…'

'Give it time Seph. Right now, how about you concentrate on keeping at least one meal in your stomach?'

'Forget it. That's just wishful thinking going overboard.'

Meg sighed. 'It was worth a try hun.'

* * *

'Remind me again. Why do I have to get dragged along as well?'

'Because a) you're my best friend, b) you're a descendant of Rhea, and c) admit it, you're curious.'

'I hate it when you turn perceptive.'

'I'll pretend I didn't hear that.'

The god of loyalty could feel a migraine coming on. He had long since learned it was pointless trying to argue with Bremos when he had a plan in mind.

And anyway, he was kind of intrigued by the thought of meeting his great-grandmother.

* * *

'Nice place.' Sitting down for a moment on the marble steps, the god of the undead snapped his fingers and a pair of shades neatly appeared. Even for a flame-headed deity, the sun was a little too warm for his liking.

Hyllus stared up…and up…and up…and you get the idea.

'Yeah. It's just a little…big.'

To say the palace of Rhea was big was like saying Zeus had a few minor commitment problems.

Unlike the thunder god's palace on Olympus, the goddess of fertility's home was fairly basic. Big, but basic. Somehow that seemed to fit with the style on Crete.

The giant lioness however…

Somehow neither god was particularly curious as to what she was employed for.

For once Hyllus was stumped as to an appropriate witty retort. 'Umm…nice kitty?'

'Smooth Hyllus. Real smooth.' Bremos sighed and gestured to himself and his cousin. 'We're here to see Rhea. We're not mental or anything.'

The great cat padded forward and growled. 'Your names and reason for your intrusion.'

Somehow it came as no surprise to Bremos that the cat could talk. He'd been pulling pranks on Hecate's two flying wolves for years.

'Bremos and Hyllus, two of the Olympic gods and descendants of Rhea. We came round for emotional support.'

The lioness narrowed her eyes as she studied them. Her mistress had told her all of her children were allowed to speak with her, as were their descendants.

These two were immortal, and they didn't seem to be lying…

'Do anything to harm the Great Mother and I will personally rip out your vocal chords.'

'So we get to see her then?'

The formal act came down. 'Duh. The threatening with bodily harm thing's part of my contract.'

'Ever professional Panthera, ever professional.'

A gentle female voice rang out from the entrance to the palace. Instead of sarcasm, the woman's tone was kind, affectionate even. Apparently she went through this situation nearly all the time.

Panthera looked up apologetically. 'I tried. It's just been a while since any of the gods came here.'

'Gods?' The owner of the voice stepped into the light, along with another, larger lion.

* * *

The aura was enough of a giveaway. Standing as tall as Zeus, the elder woman's dark blonde hair curled against her back. Deep brown eyes gazed at the two teenagers before her face creased into a soft smile.

She chuckled and tilted her head as she walked down the steps.

'I see two of my boys in the young men before me.'

* * *

TBC

* * *

Hades: Ok. You're reading something that doesn't have a waterproof and chewable guarantee on the back. You ill again?

Melora: I haven't been reading much apart from comic books recently, but this isn't bad.

Hades: What is it?

Melora: January issue of SFX.

Hades: So, we're going for high intellectual content then.


	35. Chapter 35: Vengeful mothers are dangero...

A/N: Finally finished my first piece of fanart for this fic, so if you want to see it, I'll be scanning it through to my website as soon as I work out how to get the new drivers for the scanner installed.

* * *

**Wanderer**: Have the name chosen, and I think you'll like it! The website addy's on my profile page, but none of the fanart's up yet, so just bear with me for a while.

**VMorticia**: I'll refrain from comment at this point re. morphine and Valium. And the undead will appear soon, just give me time!

**Exploding Snap**: Erm…Hades does actually act nice towards me on some occasions. Receiving food is one such occasion, getting to steal my fuzzy blanket being another…his excuse is that the blues on the blanket co-ordinate with his flames. There's really no comeback for that.

**Jurious**: I was inspired by the wonderful wolves of Hecate for the talking lions.

**Worldtraveler**: Aaaah, all will become clear in due time. And believe me, I'm not passing up Zeus-torture of this magnitude.

**Sailor Galaxia**: Thank you!!

**Dragonsbane**: Ah, that's ok. Was a tad confuzzled, but then again, that's just me. As for Hades getting embarrassed by his mommy…just keep reading.

**AimzNemesis, Sadistic Scorpion**: I'm not offended, don't worry!

**Mom**: Cerberus will turn up. He's got two very big, protective lions to meet.

**Sarah Black**: In myth, Rhea was the brains of the operation when she was married to Cronus. Only suits that she gets cool minions/guardians/pet kitties. And we all love Bremos. Just save some of the awwwww-ing for the bump once it arrives!

**Firebird234**: Whimper isn't the word I'd use for describing the hell Zeus is about to go through…

**YunCyn**: Charcoal institution food i.e. the normal school lunch. Bremos and Hyllus' family tree…Hooooookay.

Hercules is Hades's nephew, since he's the son of Zeus and Hades is Zeus's little brother. This makes _Hercules_ and _Bremos_ cousins. Since Hyllus is Hercules's son, this makes him Bremos's _second_ cousin, but I just call them first cousins since it's easier. Man, I hope I worked that out right. Very much better, and the site was cool.

**Doinkchan**: How'd you know Hades's nickname? And the bump will have far more sense than Pandora since it won't be a Pandora.

**No need to know**: He won't be depressed for long. His mommy's coming back!

**Silverrain**: Hades has recovered. Unfortunately for me. He's currently trying to work out how to get my digital camera working…

* * *

Hades: Ok, so you press this thing here, and then this flicks out…

Melora: You're getting smudges over the lens. Give it here.

Hades: I just wanna figure out how you can get mini-movies onto this thing…OOOWWWWW!! JEEEEEEEZZZZZ!! I now have pink and orange spots in front of my eyes and they _hurt_.

Melora: I _told_ you to give it to me, but noooooo, someone had to go blind himself instead…

Hades: I'm not blind. I just can't see too well.

* * *

Disclaimer: Seph, Bremos, Agony, Torment, Hyllus, Asclepius, Proteus, Telemachus, Nike, Voluptas, Rhea, the lions Panthera and Leo, and the bump all belong to me. All else is Disney stuff - that means I don't own 'em.

/.../ denotes thoughts

* * *

**I Won't Say It: Part 35**

* * *

It was rapidly becoming clear to Bremos exactly why his grandmother commanded so much respect. Honest affection seemed to be part of her personality.

That and she had a mind sharper than a bronze-tipped Carthaginian spear.

Downing another goblet of nectar, the Prince of the Underworld resumed his semi-monologue about the events that Rhea had missed out on after she had left Olympus. Hyllus occasionally added a comment or seven whenever he felt the need. He wasn't immune to his great-grandmother's kindness.

Both of them conveniently neglected to mention the little detail of Hades's attempted take-over of Olympus. It wouldn't sit too well even with an adoring mother.

* * *

'…So then I got back with Mom a few days ago, and she's not coping too well without Dad around, I dunno if it's the pregnancy or what. But Dad's in kind of a shitty mood as well…so I just wanted to know if you could help out any.'

The goddess of fertility stood in the shade of the balcony, idly petting the head of the larger lion, Leo (1). Panthera, Leo's mate, had curled up in the shade of her mistress's throne to listen to the young god's story.

A gentle smile spread across Rhea's face. 'So…my little Hadey-Wadees finally found someone to love.'

Bremos instantly put all of his energy into holding back the sniggers. Only just trusting himself not to cry laughing, Hyllus looked up and raised an eyebrow at the Great Mother.

''Hadey-Wadees'?'

Rhea tried not to grin herself. 'I called him that when he was a baby. Most of the time, I remember it purely to embarrass him. And I know he'll have taught you all he knows about corruption and blackmail, so I expect you to bribe him properly, alright?'

The god of the undead smirked. For one of the oldest goddesses/Titanesses, his grandmother was pretty damn smart.

And pretty cool for a grandmother.

'But…why can't Hades visit your mother on Olympus? Zeus must surely understand that Persephone needs your father more than ever.'

Eeep.

Bremos had the decency to look uneasy. It didn't happen often.

'Dad…sorta lives in the Underworld 24/7…and Mom…she's pregnant, and she can only be with him for six months outta the year…you know…the pomegranate deal…'

Rhea immediately straightened up, her smile disappearing into a low-level glare. 'And why has this stopped Hades from going up to Olympus to see her?'

'Ummm…Zeus…kinda…barred my dad from appearing on Olympus…and that means Mom can't really go see Dad either.'

'He WHAT!?' The goddess's glare transformed into a look of pure thunder. She had guessed Zeus would push his authority around, but this…and to his own little brother…

'_Zeus_…has split your parents up…_knowing_ your mother's _pregnant_…just because of some ridiculous sibling _rift_?!'

Bremos winced and stared down at the marble floor. Rhea was not someone to mess with when she got pissed off.

'Mehhh…pretty much.'

The goddess stared at her grandson and her great-grandson before reaching a decision. 'Panthera. Leo.'

The two lions snapped to attention. 'Great Mother?'

'Get the priestesses to prepare the chariot.'

'Ma'am.' The lion and lioness stalked out in unison.

Bremos was frankly impressed. His dad would literally kill for that kind of efficiency from the imps.

It could happen.

Yeah. And Aphrodite would take a vow of chastity.

* * *

The Lord of the Dead was bored, lonely, depressed, hungry and hadn't had the energy or will to smite something for nearly two weeks. This wasn't just cruel. This wasn't just unfair. This was…

Damn.

No witty, pithy comparisons to be had. This was officially a crisis situation.

Hades rolled over and shoved a burnt pillow out from under his blankets before resuming his sulking fit. The stress of impending fatherhood wasn't an easy burden. And since Seph had left, it was a pretty lonely one. Plus the brat had disappeared somewhere after school and none of the imps or the mutt had seen him since.

Even his own son had left him alone. Someone was definitely getting his allowance cut once he hauled his flames back to the Underworld.

Kids.

Sometimes he really didn't see the point of having a family.

Apart from the companionship.  
And mostly unconditional love.  
And not forgetting the way that he and Seph had gotten a family in the first place.

Heh. _Excellent _stress relief, getting a family…

Hades shuddered. Now that was pathetic even for him. Trying to be a lecherous bastard just wasn't his forte. Even the fling with Leuce nearly five centuries ago hadn't felt right. He'd respected the nymph too much to simply use her and dump her. After her death, turning her into a poplar tree had been his warped way of showing said respect.

After that, nada. Not until Seph. And unlike a certain king of the gods, Hades knew what love and devotion were. Zeus still had a few major problems re. being faithful and keeping his unit firmly in his kitan.

Ditto Poseidon. Even the Lord of the Waters hadn't exactly been the most faithful of husbands.

And with Medusa…Eeeeesh. Talk about lowering your standards.

So, if you overlooked the numerous failed schemes to rearrange the cosmos, the constant sibling rivalry, the whole 'swallowed-at-birth-and-sulking-inside-father's-guts' episode, and possibly the entire 'Get-Seph' scheme, he was actually a fairly decent god.

Sort of.  
Kind of.  
Possibly.

Hades unconsciously started to suck his thumb.

Not for the first time, he wanted Seph.

And definitely for the first time in a long while, he wanted his mommy.

* * *

This visit was perhaps best done alone. Taking the hint immediately, Bremos and Hyllus disappeared up to Olympus, presumably to tell their mothers about the small trip the Great Mother would be making to Olympus after she had talked to her youngest son in the Underworld.

Needless to say, the two teens were relishing telling Zeus about his mother's unexpected visit.

* * *

/How can Zeus have done this to my little Hadey-Wadees? To his own baby brother…/

Rhea silently followed Pain and Panic as they led her through the palace. The imps knew better than to speak to her. Hades's mother was not a goddess to annoy. And there was the whole thing that she was a Titaness as well…

Something grated on her already irritated nerves. Surely she was supposed to be shown through to the throne-room. But this…this was the corridor leading down to the bedrooms. Unless…

'How long has he been in his room?'

Panic…panicked. 'A-about a for-fortnight, Your Most Esteemed G-Great Mothe--'

'Shut up and take me to my son. NOW.'

The two imps squeaked. Outside the boss's room, Agony and Torment winced as they heard Rhea's feet make sharp and painful contact with their older brother's rear ends.

And all these years they'd thought Hades took after his father.

'This is it?'

The goddess of fertility glanced at the door, confirming her suspicions about her youngest son's current physical and mental condition. The sulking fits always happened whenever Zeus teased Hades or stole his toys, or when Po-po kept extinguishing his little brother's hair when he lost control of his trident. Hades had always been a little overprotective of his flames.

The four imps all received a look of irritation before she nudged the door open. 'Get some food and make sure Panthera and Leo are both fed. And keep them away from the dog.'

Pain, Panic, Agony and Torment tried not to have a four-way panic attack.

They'd forgotten about Cerberus's little cat-shaped problem.

* * *

The guard-dog of the Underworld let two of his muzzles drop into the river of souls while the third head kept watch.

Cerberus didn't like this.

Cerberus _really_ didn't like this.

Every so often, a big green lady turned up in the Underworld and screamed at master Hades. After that, master Seph had to leave and master Hades would be upset. This time, the giant dog guessed why his masters were so sad. Master Seph's pup was growing, but master Hades wouldn't be able to look after master Seph while she carried the pup.

Cerberus whined. He had wanted to look after master Seph and the pup too! It had been lots of fun to look after Bremos when he was tiny, and now he wasn't going to be able to look after this new pup. He decided he didn't like the big green lady if she kept making master Seph leave. The big green lady should leave them alone!

His third head sniffed the air, just in case someone was coming to feed him.

No…just the smell of the souls and a little accident he'd buried in Tartarus.

Wait…this smell…now this one…

Some smells you just didn't forget, even if you had three brains residing in canine hyperspace. Being an immortal guard-dog of the dead, Cerberus had a lot of smells to remember. The smell of the squeaky toys being roasted, the smell of his food, the different scents of his masters…even the pup inside Seph had a very distinctive scent.

This particular scent was more than enough to stop the three-headed dog from drinking out of the Styx. He recognised it immediately. It was alive, it was tough, and it smelt like…a big kitty.

Maybe…maybe…had the Nemean Lion escaped again? That would be fun!

Ok, so said lion was one of his many older siblings, but if you're born a cat and your little brother happens to be a vicious, persistent and oversized if dense three-headed dog…

It smelt like a lion…but it wasn't the _Nemean_ Lion.

The giant dog peered round the bend of the Styx and watched the little scene outside his master's home.

There were too many lions for it to be Cerberus's older brother!

There was one big lion with a fluffy mane, and there was another smaller lion that didn't have a mane, but she was very pretty. Even Cerberus knew some things like toys could be pretty.

One lion and another lion. That made…that made _two_! _Two_ lions to chase!

The giant dog growled low in his throats.

This was going to be fun.

* * *

Rhea gently tapped the side of the door. It was always best to be tactful when dealing with a stroppy Lord of the Dead.

The smell of charred linen and unwashed immortal was overwhelming. Clearly Hades had told his sense of order and cleanliness to get knotted while he sulked. That was the first thing to do. Get the imps to get the palace cleaned up while she sorted out her youngest son's emotional problems.

And then…

Zeus would be lucky to get away with just a clip round the ear once she was through with him.

Right now, her little Hadey-Wadees just needed his mommy.

The blankets moved at the sound of the knock. 'No zombies, no schizophrenics, no heroes, no demi-gods, I don't care who's died and come to plague me, I ain't talking to anyone.'

'And what about a concerned Titaness who's just travelled all the way from Crete simply to comfort her little boy?'

* * *

Under the blankets, Hades's eyes widened.

No.  
Freaking.  
_Way_.

It wasn't…It _couldn't_ be…

Rhea hadn't set foot on Olympus ever since Cronus had been overthrown. He peered out from his heap of bedding.

Godly glow, check.  
White silk kitan, check.  
Silver jewellery, check.  
Long dark blonde hair, check.  
Big kind brown eyes, check.  
A smile that could even put Zeus in a good mood…checkmate.

'…_Mom_?'

The goddess of fertility stepped delicately around the piles of dirty laundry and botanical-looking crockery, sat down on the edge of the bed, and hugged her youngest son as gently as her Titanic strength would allow.

For an instant, Hades felt like he was back on Crete, before he was Lord of the Dead, before Zeus would make his life an immortal boring hole, back when all he had to worry about was getting a warm bottle of milk and getting the hang of training diapers.

It passed fairly quickly. But that didn't change the fact that his mother was here, and somehow she knew about his current life crisis. Either Rhea was using her maternal/female psychic power prediction thing again, or…

Hades refrained from rolling his eyes. For once Bremos actually had a decent explanation for not coming home. Right now though, he was slightly more pre-occupied with, and grateful for, his mother's reappearance than his son's sense of timing.

'Ok, is this the 'hug first, lecture later' chain of events or the alternative 'hug now, lecture next, and yell later' display?'

'I'm going with the second for variety. Now then...'

Rhea managed to let him go, though not without a little relief.

'You young man, are having a bath, then you're eating a proper meal, and then you're going to tell your mother what's happened.'

'Do I have to?'

Only the Lord of the Dead could remain capable of reverting to his teenage years when coping with his mother.

'Don't turn smart with me Hades. Bath. Now.'

She started throwing rancid laundry out into the hallway as her youngest son slouched towards the bathroom.

'And for the love of Hestia, wash the hummus off your face!!'

* * *

TBC

(1) _Panthera leo_ is the Latin name of the lion. I think it fits quite nicely.

* * *

Hades: I hate that camera and it hates me.

Melora: On the plus side, at least you now know not to mess with my presents again.

Hades: Nah. I just learnt 'eat first, gloat later'.


	36. Chapter 36: Hell hath no fury like a nar...

A/N: Ok, I'm blaming computer and Internet failure for the supreme lateness of this part.

* * *

**Silverrain**: I have to thank your muses for whacking some sense into you. I was worried you almost felt sorry for Zeus.

**Sarah Black**: Cerberus and the lions will be getting more screen time. I have a cute lil' sub-plot going here…We all wish Seph could stay with Hades, but circumstances aren't that nice. Everyone seems to think Bremos is gorgeous! Yes, he's the son of Hades, he has the good-looking genetics, but I'd be pretty interested to see how everyone else sees him.

**Doinkchan**: Two reviews! As for Zeus…

**Jurious**: Rhea is the coolest mother possible. Raising Zeus, Poseidon and Hades by herself and without strangling all of them already establishes her credentials.

**Wanderer**: You went to my website? Have you been blinded forever by my hideous use of HTML?

**Worldtraveler**: Of course Rhea will have an effect on the King of the Gods. She hasn't had a Mother's Day card from him for a few thousand years. The bump will be born soon; I just want to indulge in some therapeutic Zeus-torture first.

**Exploding Snap**: I'm not kidding. The blankets are two different shades of blue that match Hades' flames exactly. Very weird.

**VMorticia**: Rant all you want. Draco, relax. I'm still getting plenty of mileage out of the nickname. And thank you, but I've stopped cultivating the botanical crockery. I just cultivate botanical mugs now.

**Carmilla de Lestace**: I'm not intending to write any more Hercules spin-offs at the mo, but then again, I only ever think about ten minutes into the future anyway. Only one complaint about the nickname so far…'Hadey-Wadees' stays. End of story.

**Twilight**: Rhea finding out about the little taking over Olympus bit…I sense a good clip round the ear may be in the works.

**YunCyn**: Hummus…it involves a lot of chickpeas and frankly tastes revolting, but my mother loves it. Go figure.

**Firebird234**: Psychological torture won't even cover how badly Zeus is gonna suffer…

**Skidlebop**: I watch the movie and TV show semi-religiously and I have a very overactive imagination. Hence the lovely Hades-torture.

**(Blank)**: I will take that as a compliment.

* * *

Hades: You just took up a whole page answering your reviews.

Melora: So?

Hades: That means there's more maniacs out there than I first thought.

Melora: Those 'maniacs' keep me from committing suicide out of sheer boredom.

Hades: Do they realise the torture they're inflicting on the world?

Melora: One more word and I'll let VMorticia's muse torture you.

Hades: You make one perfectly innocent observation and this is what happens.

* * *

Disclaimer: This list is getting bloody ridiculous. I own Seph, Bremos, Hyllus, Agony, Torment, Asclepius, Proteus, Telemachus, Nike, Voluptas, Rhea, Panthera, Leo and the bump. Anything cool that isn't mine belongs to Disney.

/.../ denotes thoughts

* * *

**I Won't Say It: Part 36 **

* * *

De-hummussed and in a slightly better mood, Hades was almost enjoying having his mother fussing over him.

The palace was actually clean for the first time since Seph had left, the imps were off trying (and presumably failing) to prevent an interspecies conflict, and Rhea was even fixing some food up for him.

The 'almost', predictably, had come from the little detail of his attempted Olympian takeover. Not that it would do much to his position as Mommy's Favourite Boy.

Then again, considering the competition for Mommy's Favourite was the original Poster Boy for Infidelity and an overweight scaly fish guy, it wasn't that much of a contest.

'FOOD!!'

The small paranoid fit took a coffee break while the Lord of the Dead dragged himself through to the kitchen. Even in the midst of depression, he wasn't about to turn down his mother's cooking.

Even if he hadn't eaten mashed worms since he was six.

* * *

Nursing a goblet of reheated nectar, Rhea sighed as she watched her youngest son pick at his food. Considering his normally more than expansive appetite, if he wasn't eating properly, something was wrong.

If he was busy turning the remains of his mashed worms into a freeform sculpture of a skull, then something was badly wrong.

'It isn't just Persephone, or her pregnancy. There's still something you're not telling me.'

/Oh, how I love female intuition. Not./

Stabbing his fork into his sculpture and pushing his plate away, Hades risked a glance at Rhea. He recognised The Look immediately.

And it wasn't just The Look.

It was _The Look_ with all the ominous italics.

The Look that meant either way, he was stuck. His older brothers had been on the wrong end of The Look too many times for him to remember, normally after they'd done something so stupid that it made Cronus look like a calm, rational, sensitive and thoughtful adult.

To tell or not to tell…eeesh.

'Ok, I know after being round you and Seph never to say 'promise you won't get mad'. How'd you feel about 'try not to pull a Priam on me'?' (1)

'So it's _that_ good then?'

'Depends how you look at it.' Hades cringed and braced himself for a bruised ear for the next week.

'You heard about the thing with the Titans sorta getting released and tryin' to take over Olympus, overthrow Zeus, yadda yadda?'

The goddess of fertility frowned. It had been difficult not to hear about that little incident. At the time, she had simply pitied the poor idiot who had released the Titans…

Wait…

He hadn't…

He hadn't!!

The look on her son's face confirmed it.

He was the guilty party.

* * *

Hades resisted the temptation to squeal in pain as his mother grasped his ear and tried to twist it off his head.

'**_What_ in the name of _Olympus_ were you trying to do!? You _know_ how dangerous the Titans are!! You _know_ how much they hate the gods!! If they hadn't been defeated, they could have _destroyed_ the _Earth_!! For Gaia's sake, did you _want_ to be eaten again!? Did you even _know_ what I went through when you and Po-po were taken from me!? Don't you _remember_ what the wars were like!?**'

Pause to get some air.

'**Do you even _remember_ what Zeus had to do to free you and Po-po!? Didn't you _realise_ the rest of the Titans can't be trusted!? For all you know, they could've overthrown _you_ and released your father from Tartarus!! Didn't you bloody well _think_ of the _consequences!?_**'

Rant part one, over. Pause to try and defend actions.

'Can I have my ear back yet?'

/Smooth. Real smooth./

'Please?'

* * *

This was going to be lots and _lots_ of fun!!

_Two_ kitties to chase!! _Two_ kitties!!

This would take all of his stealth and cunning to pull this off. The kitties wouldn't know what hit them if he did this right.

Cerberus crouched, all three heads focussed on the two lions pretending not to listen in on the one-sided shouting match going on in the palace.

In true doggie-stealth fashion, he was hidden behind a rock, six eyes peering over the slimy surface at his target. Whenever the lions looked round, the guard-dog shut his eyes. If he couldn't see the kitties, then they couldn't see him.

Two things were hindering his stalking attempts rather than helping it.

Firstly, his butt was sticking up into the air, tail wagging at roughly two hundred miles an hour.

Second, the rock he was hiding behind was about three feet wide and six feet high.

But at least the kitties couldn't see him if he couldn't see them!!

* * *

Panthera and Leo shared a weary look. They already knew the Lord of the Dead was more of a dog person. Cerberus's appointment as guard-dog of the Underworld was no surprise to them. But the mutt was living, breathing, barking, and indeed slobbering proof that there was little hope for the canine race.

The lioness glanced over at the overexcited dog. Three heads and not a brain in any of them.

The tail looked a bit more promising though.

Leo stretched his claws out, leaving inch-deep scratch marks in the blackened stone. 'Teaching him a little lesson would count as exercise both in body and in diplomatic relations.'

'Do you want to have to explain to Rhea and Hades why his dear mutt might be spending at least a week at the vet?'

'Justifiable retaliation. He started it.'

Panthera glanced over at the hopelessly overconfident canine tableau and back at her mate. 'He wouldn't last long if you simply attacked him head on. You're a cat, remember? We do subtle, yet deadly.'

Leo recognised that look. 'Cat chess?' (2)

'Now you've got the picture.'

* * *

A long-suppressed primeval memory was making itself comfortable in Zeus's head as he took in what his nephew and grandson were saying.

Not his mother.

_Anything_ but his mother.

He fought his first instinct, which was to start gibbering insanely and hide under his throne.

He hadn't spoken to his mother ever since he became king of the gods. And a Titaness like Rhea was more than capable of holding a grudge.

Especially over the division of the cosmos incident.

And the marriage comment.

And the many forgotten birthdays, Mother's Days, tributes…

This was turning out to be a _very_ bad day.

* * *

This was turning out to be better than he had previously imagined.

Bremos didn't even try to hide his smirk. Watching Zeus turn the colour of sour goat's milk was something he'd be mentally replaying for quite some time.

Next stage: inform his mother. At least she'd find it funny.

* * *

If there was any hope that her son would ever miraculously transform into a sane and semi-functional member of the pantheon, this little scheme appeared to rule it out completely.

Persephone managed to stop giggling long enough to breathe as Bremos calmly recapped the chain of events from Crete onwards. She just wished she could've seen Zeus's face.

Sadly not to be. The morning sickness was still going strong, and moving any further than the bathroom was out of the question.

'So where's Rhea now?'

'In the basement trying to prevent Dad from becoming an irreversible manic-depressive.'

'Ah, a woman after my own heart.' A small grin started to spread over her face. She was getting quite curious to meet the only other woman who could control Hades.

'Least she ain't a woman after your own stomach.'

'Hey, do not insult the pregnant lady who has ultimate control over your curfew. And anyway, you try having a kid crowding up your gut and see how you cope.'

The god of the undead pretended to think about it. 'Thanks for the offer, but I'll leave that to the future mother of my children.'

'From what I've heard, you and Nike have a long way to go before children enter the equation.'

'Muuuhh…how did…whaaaa…Moooooooom!!'

Persephone shrugged, ignoring the twinge of nausea.

'Simple mother's intuition. That and you always get a remarkably soppy expression on your face whenever you see her. It's quite sweet really.'

Her son looked more than slightly revolted. 'I do not _do_ mushy stuff. Dad does the occasional weird look, but that's about it. And even then it's gross.'

'Trust me. Once you and Nike get together, you _will_ be doing soppy looks.'

'Back up a sec. _Once_ we get together?'

'I'd be bloody surprised if you didn't.'

'Aren't you supposed to disapprove and say no girl is good enough for my son?'

'First off, if she can provoke gooey-ness in one of the gods of the Underworld, then I approve. Second, I've known her mother since before Nike was even born. Third, it's supposed to be her father who says 'no boy is good enough for my little girl'.'

'Damn. I was hoping at least for parental disagreement.'

'Good try, but try again.'

* * *

If that death grip didn't leave a mark, Hades swore he'd never try to usurp his older brother's throne ever again.

'So, what do you have to say for yourself young man?'

'Does 'ow', 'sorry' and 'I'm twelve hundred years old, I don't wear diapers any more' cover it? C'mon Mom, I'm suffering here. I just want Seph back.'

Rhea sighed.

It was hard being a single mother.

It was even harder when her baby boy finally had a woman in his life besides his mother.

'And that's why, once we get to Olympus, I want to have a talk with Persephone.'

The well-perfected puppy-dog eyes appeared. 'So…I'm off the hook?'

'Almost. But don't think I'll forget about this.'

The mother with a photographic memory. Oy.

The Lord of the Dead felt his features slide instantly into a pout. 'Just get Kelp'n'Brine or Mr. 'Hey You! Get Offa My Cloud!' to remind you if the maternal instinct goes on the fritz.'

A smirk spread over his mother's face. One that even Hades was a little unnerved by.

'Oh, believe me sweetheart. Your brothers will be lucky to remember their own _names_ once I'm through with them. Ten thousand years without even a birthday apparition…'

The phrase 'Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned' seemed like a gigantic understatement at that particular moment.

* * *

Most historical accounts of the Grecian world don't exactly cover how Cronus managed to castrate his father Uranus when he was still in the womb. (3)

Ditto the details of the conflict between the canine and feline world.

One three-headed yet utterly brainless guard-dog.

Two giant hyper intelligent lions.

Four demon siblings with absolutely no idea what the hell they were doing.

And that was just for starters.

* * *

Olympus wasn't a bad place to have morning sickness. Even if it was too damn far away from Hades.

Persephone rolled over and settled back into the couch, trying to ignore the feeling of her stomach turning cartwheels.

'…Seph? You awake?…'

/You try and get a lie-down and some complete bastard starts trying to torture you…/

'…Seph?'

The goddess of rebirth opened one eye and glanced up at the greyish blue thing above her. 'Leave me alone or I _swear_ I'll projectile-vomit on you.'

A very familiar smirk flashed across the blurred face. 'See, that's where you're going wrong. That's the _brat's_ trick. Now me, I'm the dad. I'm meant to get a smooch instead.'

Fatigue made a fast exit as Seph bolted up from the couch. Bremos was leaning against one of the cloud pillars next to a tall brunette goddess she didn't recognise. At that moment she wasn't concerned with anything except causing some serious oxygen deprivation in her husband.

Apparently Hades had the same idea.

* * *

It was too revolting to watch. The god of the undead stifled his urge to shove two fingers down his throat at the sight of his parents joined at the lips.

Rhea lightly cuffed her grandson over the head and glanced at her son and daughter-in-law.

Hades hadn't been exaggerating when he'd told her about Seph. She really wasn't like the other goddesses she'd seen on her way through the palace.

Unlike Poseidon and Amphitrite's marriage where the sea-nymph was definitely the brains of the operation, Hades and Persephone's marriage was equal on both sides. And unlike Zeus and Hera's partnership, there was utter trust and love between husband and wife.

She couldn't help but feel a little jealous.

Cronus had never been the romantic type.

He hadn't exactly been the fatherly type either.

Her attention was drawn down to the tiny life force inside her daughter-in-law. Very strong, and causing a fairly impressive amount of nausea.

First things first. Talk to Persephone, and then have a little 'chat' with her other two boys.

'Chat' meaning Zeus and Poseidon were about to get the maternal lecture of their immortality.

* * *

TBC

(1) Priam was the father of Paris of Troy. When he found out from a soothsayer that his son would be the downfall of his kingdom, he tried to kill him. Didn't have much luck, if the Trojan War was anything to go by.

(2) Cat chess is a concept taken from Terry Pratchett's 'The Unadulterated Cat'. If you haven't read it, go do so.

(3) Just for the record, I looked this up. And yes, it's disturbing. And revolting.

* * *

Hades: No kidding. And you just had to tell me all the details.

Melora: Is it my fault you have mentally and emotionally disturbed relatives?

Hades: For once, no. And if you go by the myths, I'm the only normal one out of the whole damn lot.

Melora: You were normal once. Weird. So what happened?

Hades: I met you and life suddenly lost all meaning. And normality.


	37. Chapter 37: Humiliation of the Century P...

A/N: I hate Microsoft Word. Ahem.

* * *

**Dr. Thinker**: If this is making you want to rent the Disney movie, then go rent it now! Methinks I shall go find the 'Myth-o-Mania' series...

**Miyo**: Hey babes! And there's no way I could make a 'Hercules' spin-off better than the original. Though if more people now adore Hades, I may reconsider.

**Sarah Black**: Cat chess details are somewhere on Wikipedia. True, no-one wants to see their 'rents kissing, but it's Seph and Hades, so it's excusable. Maybe my memory's going, but didn't you once say you would love to be Persephone for a day if it meant you got to smooch Hades?

**Silverrain**: See? Next chapter all done! (Albeit with constant curses directed at MS Word and all its evil kin.) If the masses love it, tell them to leave an ego-boost - sorry, review. And a very happy late birthday to you! I'd get Hades to sing, but since I can't get my bank manager to spontaneously combust, I'll just say I can't perform miracles.

**VMorticia**: Dear God. Draco and a perverted Dark Lord?

**Lirenel**: Yay, fellow history/mythology buff!

**AimzNemesis, Sadistic Scorpion**: Rhea's slightly based on my mom. At least in the respect of making comfort food for me. The castration of Uranus...I'll cover it at the end of the torture session. It's revolting. Enjoy.

**Worldtraveler**: Calm down...Zeus and Po-po are getting tortured now. Calm down... Cerberus does need a bigger rock, bless his three drooling heads.

**Cilicia**: Still not used to mountains of praise, but thank you!

**Exploding Snap**: Cronus castrated his dad. It's a big part of mythology! I finally got all the details from 'The Complete Idiot's Guide To Greek Mythology.' (I kid you not.) I don't have a drawing of Bremos, but I do have one of Hades and Seph that I'm trying to scan in. If you love him that much, I'd love to see some fanart of him!

**No need to know**: Visitations from Hades are completely normal (if annoying) in my opinion.

**Doinkchan**: Rhea is pissed off in the extreme with Zeus and Po-po. Just sit back and enjoy the carnage. Actually I already had a death muse before Hades turned up. Then again, Duo Maxwell and Hades couldn't get along if their appetites depended on it. Creative differences, apparently.

**Firebird234**: Hercules will get to meet Rhea, but putting him in the same room as Hades isn't going to be beneficial to anyone's sanity.

**Jurious**: Once you get to uni, you get to embarrass your parents. Trust me, it's therapeutic and fun!

**YunCyn**: I know no comment from Hades is innocent. I live with him and his disgusting food preferences for pity's sake. Yay for carnage! And Bremos definitely won't have it easy meeting his beloved's parents.

* * *

Hades: You. Whinging. Psychological torture 101.

Melora: Not this again. I already told you not to listen if you were gonna have one of your spasms.

Hades: And miss the chance to annoy you?

Melora: Didn't think you would.

Hades: It was a rhetorical question.

* * *

Disclaimer: Seph, Bremos, Hyllus, Agony, Torment, Asclepius, Proteus, Telemachus, Nike, Voluptas, Rhea, the two lions, and the bump property of me. Hades and anything else remotely cool property of Disney. Cat Chess property of His Holiness Terry Pratchett.

/.../ denotes thoughts

* * *

**I Won't Say It: Part 37**

* * *

As the goddess of fertility and childbirth, Rhea was used to dealing with pregnancy, and any requests for help with said condition. Deity, human, demi-god, daemon, nymph; she easily sympathised with any expectant woman.

Especially if the women were married to any of her boys.

Or, in Zeus's case, if they happened to be breathing.

Trying to straighten out her daughter-in-law's bedroom, the Great Mother winced as she heard Persephone retch, stopping occasionally for air and to threaten her husband with bodily mutilation should he ever come near her again.

Due to the frankly remarkable lack of one-liners, she guessed that the Lord of the Dead was keeping it zipped.

* * *

The sound of flames reached Rhea's ears. 'Is she any better?'

Hades slumped into a chair and tried not to look revolted. 'If you take better to mean 'offered to remove something of great sentimental value to me, hack it into pieces and throw the mangled remains into the Phlegethon', then yep, she's doing just dandy.'

She sighed and tried not to smile at the choice of wording. 'Believe me sweetheart, I've heard worse.'

'And probably told Dad to do all of them.'

'When you and Po-po were born, most definitely.'

Hades just ignored his mother's comment. Several years inside Cronus with only a rock and the Lord of the Waters for company didn't do wonders for your sense of humour.

'Where's the brat?'

'He left after telling me in no uncertain terms that, and I quote, 'seeing you two eat each other's faces was having a severe effect on his upchuck reflex,' unquote.'

Staggering out from her bathroom, Persephone couldn't resist adding a comment of her own. 'He's not the only one having digestive distress. Admittedly his is more hormone-induced than expectant momma-induced.'

Rhea smiled. 'On that note, I think it's time for me to have a chat with Seph. Alone.'

The response from her flame-headed offspring was fairly predictable. 'Awwwww _mom_...do I have to?'

'Yes. Now go find your son and...I don't know, annoy your older brothers for a while...'

The only sign that the Lord of the Dead had once been in the room was a few tendrils of smoke.

Zeus and Po-po-torture with his mother's consent.

Sweet.

* * *

The goddesses of victory and pleasure, the shape-shifting son of Poseidon, and the god of healing peered into Zeus's throne-room and simultaneously smirked. An opportunity to see Zeus being humiliated wasn't something to be passed up, no matter how much the king of the gods sulked about it.

Adolescent embarrassment around potential crushes had been shelved for the time being as the younger deities of Olympus skulked outside the throne-room. Bremos and Hyllus were keeping a lookout for Rhea while the girls, Asclepius and Proteus kept watch over Zeus, occasionally taking time out to snigger.

'Why do you get the feeling our illustrious ruler isn't taking the prospect of this visit too well?' Nike leant against a cloud pillar next to Bremos, neatly folding her wings behind her back.

Voluptas settled next to Hyllus, who was trying desperately not to grin like an idiot. 'Dunno. Maybe the cowering under his throne gave it away.'

Asclepius raised an eyebrow. 'Personally? I thought when he started sucking his thumb there was something wrong.'

'What about the gibbering?' Proteus wasn't about to let any of the thunder god's quirks go unridiculed.

The god of the undead shook his head. 'Excellent use of intuition, but it has to be Zeus getting so freaked that the three muscled fan boys ask him what's up.'

Nike took a brief time-out to glare at her possible partner in eros. 'One, they are not fan boys, they are cup-bearers. Two, they have names. Zelos, Cratos, and Bia. Try using them.'

'There's something else you're conveniently _not_ telling me, isn't there?'

'Yep. And you'll find out what soon enough.'

* * *

'You're different from the others, Persephone. I knew that when Hades told me about you.'

The goddess of fertility sat down next to her more than slightly green daughter-in-law, presently sprawled out over her bed, and squeezed her hand.

'Knowing Hades, he'll have left out the less charming details.'

Rhea tried not to smile. 'Numerous black eyes, broken bones, scars, bruises, cuts...and that was just your wedding. After it...you certainly put up a fight.'

The goddess of rebirth summoned up enough energy for an embarrassed smile. 'It wasn't exactly my dream wedding. Hades wasn't exactly my dream husband.'

'And now...?'

Persephone sighed. What it would have been like not being married to Hades...

After her abduction, before she had realised her love for the Lord of the Dead, she had thought about it constantly.

After they were separated for the first time, before Bremos had been conceived, she had occasionally thought about it.

Sarcastic, cheerfully morbid, obnoxious, charismatic...that was the Hades most people knew. The Hades she had thought she had married.  
Sarcastic, cheerfully morbid, obnoxious, charismatic, devoted, loyal, supportive, loving...that was the Hades only she knew. The Hades she had really married.

She sighed again and looked up at Rhea.

'Anyone who rejected Hades in the past didn't know what they were rejecting.'

'Then...you do love him.'

'Sick-making as it sounds...with my heart and soul.'

The Great Mother gave up holding back a smile. 'A marriage of love, and going through your second pregnancy as a result. You're a fortunate woman.'

'It'd be _slightly_ more fortunate if I wasn't puking my guts up every five minutes.'

Rhea chose not to reply. Carrying her three boys hadn't been easy. The births, even less so. Persephone, according to Hades, hadn't exactly had the world's most straightforward pregnancy with Bremos, and this one looked like it would be the same.

The life-force inside Seph's body was even stronger than before, abnormally so. Either her offspring possessed unimaginable power, or...

Something clicked as she tried to sense the inert powers.

An echo of the past...  
Past would be repeated somehow...  
But this repetition...

Resting a hand over the goddess's slightly rounded stomach, Rhea closed her eyes and concentrated, whispering a few well-chosen words. Her own golden aura surrounded the two deities as she spoke.

Persephone knew better than to interrupt. She guessed immediately that the Titaness was trying to help her.

What exactly she was helping with became apparent as soon as the glow faded.

Along with the constant nausea.

'Feeling better?'

She blinked in shock. 'What...how...w-why?'

Rhea delicately straightened out her kitan as she helped her daughter-in-law to sit up. 'Well...I managed to end your morning sickness using my powers.'

Persephone stood up. She felt better than she had done for almost three months. 'That's the first two. But...why?'

'Do I need a reason to help one of my family?'

'No, but...indulge me.'

The Great Mother was silent for a few minutes as she studied Persephone. She really was different from the other goddesses on Olympus. Living apart from someone she loved for half the year, being a single mother for that same half, raising Hades's child and still fulfilling her duties as the goddess of rebirth and the Queen of the Dead...

'If you managed to capture Hades's attention, then you're a unique woman.'

She paused for a moment.

'And while I respect Hera and Amphitrite...you are the only goddess I've ever met whom I can see a lot of myself in. And I can't help but care about you because of it.'

She smiled resignedly. 'If any of that makes sense to you, then I'll be impressed.'

Persephone was silent.

She knew exactly what Rhea was trying to tell her.

'...Thank you.'

'Any time.'

* * *

One head was confusing enough in this kind of situation.

Three heads made it utterly perplexing.

Three heads and a tail...even Pythagoras would have problems.

What made it even more complicated was that there seemed to be more than just two kitties, even though Cerberus was almost sure that there was just the tough-looking kitty and the smaller, prettier kitty.

And the worse thing of all?

Panthera and Leo knew exactly what they were doing.

Leo had settled himself on the foot of the palace stairs, within sight of the giant black dog and his mate. Panthera was curled up at the dock, keeping her mate in view and occasionally glancing at Cerberus when one of his heads looked round.

Two of the heads turned to sniff at something on the ground.

The lions made their moves.

* * *

Where had the kitties gone to?

Cerberus was certain as he could be that the girl kitty had moved to sit on top of a pile of rocks and the big tough kitty was now standing at the dock.

But that wasn't right!

He hadn't heard them move!

He hadn't seen them move either!

How could two kitties move without him knowing?

Maybe...maybe they had what Hades often said Cerberus didn't have...

Maybe...maybe they had brains!!

What _was_ a brain?

It could be a new kind of toy...

* * *

/Not Mother not Mother not Mother not Mother.../

Zeus's mental processes had been stuck on auto-loop for the past hour. As soon as his brain had registered this nasty little piece of news, another thought screamed into his brain.

Rhea was first talking to his baby brother.

And if he knew Hades, he would be telling his mother every single piece of incriminating information possible on both his older brothers.

Poseidon was taking the news just a tad better than he was. He did have a few less...indiscretions...to be guilty of, anyway.

Fair enough, his piscine younger brother was curled up under his Olympian throne gibbering in terror, but at least he wasn't sucking his thumb.

* * *

Psychological torture, Hades-style.

This was turning out to be a _very_ good day.

The Lord of the Dead neatly appeared in the middle of the throne-room and cracked his knuckles. The two quivering lumps behind the thrones peered round in terror, Poseidon only relaxing slightly once he saw his younger brother.

Zeus's anger temporarily took over. Emerging from behind his throne with some semblance of dignity, he glared thunderbolts at one of the banes of his immortality.

'And you have the nerve to show your face here after what you've done?'

His little brother just smirked. 'I land you in the biggest pile of doo-doo this side of Crete and I don't stick around to see the explosion and aftermath? You know what that could do to my rep?'

'Explosion and aftermath?' The thunder god's new-found anger died away almost instantly.

'Rhea', 'explosion', and 'aftermath'.

Three words that should never be put together under ANY circumstances.

Hades's classic serpentine grin appeared. 'Hmmm...yeah. Y'know, it's _really_ kinda hard not to gloat here, so I'm just gonna, y'know, _go_ with it..._Zeus's getting screamed at, I'm mommy's good boy, nyah-nyah nyah-nyah nyah nyah..._'

Brilliantly immature.

And Hades did 'brilliantly immature' very well.

* * *

Bremos' head was buried in his kneecaps.

'My dad is _not_ doing _the dance_. _Tell me_ my dad's not doing _the dance_...'

Hyllus forcefully repressed a snigger. 'Do you wish for me to tell you that your dad is not doing the 'someone else has landed in it and for once I'm totally innocent' dance?'

'If you're my best friend and my cousin, you will tell me he's not doing the dance.'

'Ummm...nope, he's doing the dance.'

No sound emerged from the god of the undead. Not even a whimper of teenage agony.

Nike quickly took over as she sat down next to him. 'Hey, you expect him to lie to you?'

'I hate Hyllus and my life officially sucks.'

That was a bit more like it.

She sighed and patted his shoulder. 'You'll live.'

'No I won't.'

Vague sympathy went out the window as the goddess glanced into the throne-room. 'If your life sucks, then why has your dad stopped doing the dance and your grandmother just appeared before Zeus with a look that could kill?'

* * *

Much as both of them wanted to hide under their thrones for eternity, Zeus and Poseidon both knew it would only delay the inevitable.

Admittedly Hades would never let them forget this, but a screamed lecture from Rhea could only last for so long.

'**_So._**'

Rhea's eyes narrowed at her two eldest sons.

'**What do you two have to say for yourselves, hmmm?**'

Poseidon winced and clutched his trident protectively to his chest. He would rather try to have a civilised conversation with Charybdis than face his mother.

Zeus just braced himself.

'Momsie...'

'Mother...'

Their defence died instantly.

**'Ten _thousand_ years without speaking to your own mother!! I'm _only_ the woman who risked her own existence to try to protect you two _pathetic little ingrates_!! I'm _only_ the woman who saved you, Zeus, from being eaten at birth!! I'm _only_ the woman who carried you, Poseidon, knowing Cronus would swallow you as soon as you were born!!**'

For some inexplicable reason, seeing his older brothers getting screamed at only served to make him hungry. Working methodically at a bowl of popcorn, Hades sniggered as his siblings sank lower and lower in their seats.

Suckers.

The goddess of rebirth leaned against a pillar next to her husband, more than desperate to see Zeus suffer for every misdemeanour he had ever committed.

Somehow, she also had an inkling that his mistreatment of his little brother would crop up at some point. Hades' act of freeing the Titans somehow paled into insignificance compared to all that Zeus and Poseidon had done in their lives. Killings, punishments, the women...

Actually, Zeus's list of women could go on for quite some time.

'**And the two of you have the _nerve_ to call yourselves gods!? I'm frankly _ashamed_ to call you my sons!! Your _father_ would make a better god than you two!!**'

Oooooh. Now that had to hurt.

Not that Bremos didn't agree with the sentiments. At least their kids and assorted grandchildren had made up for their fathers.

Sort of.

If you didn't count the time when they flushed a potassium bomb down the faculty toilets at Pro. Ac.

Or the time all of them turned in all of their homework in orange paint.

Or the time they planted goat dung in Mr. Parenthesis' coffee.

Or the combined 1,473 detentions.

/Memo to me: internal monologue needs upgraded ASAP./

'**You thought I wouldn't find out about the _women_!? Or the _smitings_!? Or the _wars_!? Or the _killings_!? Don't you look at me like that Zeus; I know full well what you did to your own GRANDSON!!**'

Zeus whimpered and crawled behind his throne. How in the name of Olympus did she know about that?

He was not having a good day.

* * *

TBC

A/N 2: I'm splitting the Zeus-torture into two parts, mostly because of time constraints, and I just want to prolong the agony.

* * *

Hades: I bow to prolonging the agony.

Melora: You're agreeing with me over this?

Hades: I like seeing Zeus getting it in the neck as much as the next person.

Melora: You just like anything which humiliates someone other than you.

Hades: Damn my utter transparency.


	38. Chapter 38: Humiliation of the Century P...

A/N: To anyone who ended up finding a completely unreadable mess when Ch.37 was first published, just blame it on MS Word screwing up.

* * *

**Tennessee**** the merry**: Voila next part of torture!

**Traum**: I want the Monopoly board as well, but sadly not to be. Ah well. Think was screwing up again, but it's stopped now, thank God.

**Glinda**: This fic is hardly an epic. I do occasionally write songfics, but only if I get suitably inspired and my meals haven't been too rich in carbohydrates.

**VMorticia**: Again, perverted Dark Lord and Draco? Scary. Then again, if we're talking Tom as he was in the CoS movie, then hmmm. Quite appealing under _those_ circumstances…

**Dr. Thinker**: Glad you're enjoying this!

**Wanderer**: Zeus was pretty much a male whore in my opinion. I STILL can't get hold of a scanner, so the pics won't be up anytime in the near future. And you read the List for Life? You brave person. A Blue Aftershock is an alcoholic shot drink made from cinnamon, vodka, and Lord knows what else. All I know is that it a) really clears your sinuses, and b) you daren't put it anywhere near paint.

**Silverrain**: I won't comment. Needless to say, Hades will sing if he knows what's good for him. He wasn't originally going to, but it's amazing what a man will do for free food. And tell the masses to leave another review!

**Nasketch**: The gods are supposed to have human characteristics. The original myths were written with that in mind. And Seph is fallible, believe me. And what's wrong with being pro-Gryffindor anyway? JKR made her characters fallible as well. None of the Gryffindors are perfect either.

**Sarah Black**: Well obviously Bremos wouldn't be there! And Cerberus is absolutely brilliant to write. After many years around animals, I can make a rough guess at how they think.

**Liesel**: People are passing the link to this fic onto their friends…Very glad you read it and liked it!

**Exploding Snap**: I didn't have to imagine Hades stuffing his face while that happened. He was sitting next to me, eating the contents of my fridge while I wrote the last chapter.

**Lirenel**: All the Zeus-haters are really coming out in force right now! V. funny!

**Worldtraveler**: 'Tis OK to be confused. I knew some people might be. Rhea was trying to say that she and Seph are very much alike and that's why she approves of her. And don't worry, the kitties won't get Cerberus!

**Doinkchan**: **250th REVIEWER!** I will second the Zeus-torture!

**YunCyn**: Hercules will definitely see his dad getting humiliated…And more Bremos-Nike to come!

**Oompa**: I don't take praise well. I get all red and embarrassed. But thank you very much!

**No need to know**: Basically the little dance is based on the irritating little dance my dad always does when a) the bathroom's occupied, b) when I'm trying to wind up my mum, and c) when someone buys him wine gums. Sad, sad man.

If you still can't picture it, watch the episode 'Hercules and the Visit from Zeus.' Hades does the little dance right before Cerberus tries to eat the mortal Zeus.

* * *

Melora: One verse of Happy Birthday for Silverrain, and _then_ you can go raid the fridge.

Hades: Not convinced.

Melora: I'll make a big fatty cholesterol-filled fry-up for you...

Hades: Tempt me not with your siren's song, woman!

Melora: Not even for extra bacon?

Hades: Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy ridiculously late birthday Silverrain, happy birthday to you…

Melora: Good boy.

* * *

Disclaimer: Seph, Bremos, Hyllus, Agony, Torment, Asclepius, Proteus, Telemachus, Nike, Voluptas, Rhea, the two lions, and the bump are all mine. No stealing. Hades and anything else that isn't mine belongs to Disney. Rip them off to your hearts' content.

/.../ denotes thoughts

/_italics_/ denotes canine communication. (You'll see what I mean.)

* * *

**I Won't Say It Part 38**

* * *

This was beautiful.

This was absolutely beautiful.

Persephone instinctively raised a hand to her ears to check her earplugs were still in place.

'**I _knew_ you'd never be able to be a good husband to Hera!! You just can't keep your unit in your kitan for more than five _minutes_ around a woman, oh _noooo_!! And then as soon as you find someone _suitable_, you have to do something ridiculous!! As soon as Metis became pregnant, you _ATE_ her!! And what you keep doing to those poor women is _nothing_ compared to your bloody ego-complex!!**'

/He ate his first wife!? Ok, I've heard of irreconcilable differences, but sheeez…/

Bremos had managed to draw blood from biting his lip so hard while trying not to laugh. At some point fairly early on in the lecture, Zeus had managed to both wet himself and start gibbering. Poseidon was curled up in a foetal position trying to block out his mother's voice.

Proteus had long since collapsed on the floor, after having what amounted to a full-blown hysterical fit. Asclepius was slouched next to his cousin, already in tears from laughing so much. Hyllus and Voluptas were holding each other and trying desperately to stifle their sniggers in each other's shoulders.

/Memo to me: mercilessly tease Hyllus later./

Nike was leaning against the god of the undead, arms around her stomach trying not to howl at the sight of the king of the gods looking for a fast exit.

The god of the undead looped his arms around Nike's waist and held her up, still trying to repress the sniggering fit bouncing around in the vicinity of his lungs.

Hey, it was something to tell the grandchildren.

'**You think you're so _damned_ wonderful, all of humanity singing your praises!! Well guess what! You wouldn't even have a _cloud_ to rule over unless Prometheus had stepped in!! And what did you do!? _Chained him to a rock_!! And YOU called HIM barbaric!? At least he _has_ a sense of humour!! At least he _knows_ what fidelity is!! I've never heard Asia complain _once_ about him!!**' (1)

Zeus's lower lip was wobbling violently. His own mother thought some obnoxious know-it-all _Titan_ was better than he was.

Wait a minute…wasn't his mother a _Titaness_?

Oooooh…this wasn't fair.

'**How many notches on your bedpost are you up to now, hmmm!? A _hundred_ at the last count?! And how many of those poor women ended up bearing _children_ whom you took NO responsibility for!? Don't you _dare_ look relieved Poseidon, your record with the fairer sex is _nothing_ to be proud of!!**'

Poseidon just tried to pretend this wasn't happening. If Amphitrite ever found out about this…

/Momsie can't know about all the other women…what about Medusa!? She'll never let that one lie…/

'**You just had to be paranoid, didn't you!! Eating Metis!? What did she ever do to deserve that!? And Themis!? Do you _know_ how long she was in labour when the Fates were born!? If she hadn't been immortal, she would've _died_!! But _noooo_, you had to put her through the same thing twice more with the Seasons and the Thriai!! Mnemosyne was actually _crying_ when I told her she was carrying the Muses!! How those _lovely_ girls could be your _daughters _is frankly beyond me!!**'

Wincing at the decibel level, Hades counted off on his fingers how many women comprised his own list of conquests.

All…two…of them, Seph included.

Menthe didn't technically count as a conquest since he hadn't even been remotely interested in her. Swanning around Greece and throwing herself at the god of the dead when she knew damn well he was married with a family…

At least adultery was kinda hard to commit when you were a plant. Seph had seen to that.

Eeeeesh.

* * *

Torment peered round a boulder and grabbed Panic's binoculars, his older brother still attached to them. 'He's getting confused.'

Agony whimpered. 'So can we leave now?'

Panic managed to untangle himself from his binoculars and hovered over his brothers' heads. 'No way. Hades is gonna kill us when he finds out the dog's trying to maim his mom's lions.'

Pain grinned. 'You mean, _if_ he finds out.' (2)

'Whaddya mean if he finds out!? Of course he's gonna…' The skinny green imp stopped himself.

'_If_. _If _is…waiiiit a second. _If_ never works!!'

The purple imp sighed. 'So we have to do this?'

'Guess so. Rock, paper, scissors?' Agony looked over to his twin for confirmation.

Torment frowned. 'Best two out of three. Delay as much as we can.'

* * *

Cerberus was getting grouchy.

Cerberus was getting _very_ grouchy.

The kitties kept moving and he couldn't see when they moved, but they kept moving and he _didn't like it_!!

Kitties were meant to run away as soon as he appeared. These kitties weren't scared at all!

Did that mean…

Was he not scary any more?

Were the kitties going to replace him because he wasn't scary any more?

The giant dog's heads drooped. He wasn't scary any more. That would mean he wasn't going to be able to live in the Underworld any more. He wouldn't be able to play with the chew-toys any more.

He wouldn't be able to go for walkies with Bremos any more!!

He wouldn't be able to protect master Seph any more!!

**He wouldn't be able to see the pup when it was born!! **

**_No!!_**

_No_ kitties were going to stop him from **looking after the pup!!**

Cerberus's six red eyes blazed as he snarled. That was it. _No_ kitties, no matter how tough or scary they were, _no_ kitties were going to stop him from protecting his masters!!

* * *

Panthera delicately raised an eyebrow. As always, the dog got the wrong idea. Maybe the cat chess had gone on long enough.

'What's got your inner wolf worked up?'

Cerberus growled. He was getting _really_ mad now.

/_You're mean kitties!! You're trying to take my masters and the pup away from me!! Well, I won't let you!! You want to take Seph and Bremos and the pup away, you have to fight me!!_/

If it hadn't been so incredibly undignified, Leo would have slipped off the palace dock. As it was, he settled for a slightly shocked expression. How had the mutt come to that conclusion?

/_You may be big and tough, but I can be big and tough too!!_/

The lioness quickly intervened. 'Why do you think we're trying to take away your masters?'

Cerberus actually had something approaching tears in his eyes. /_You're in the Underworld 'cos you're here to take Bremos and Seph and the pup away from me!!_/

Leo's eyes widened. 'We're not about to encroach on your territory, trust me!'

The guard dog frowned. /_Huh?_/

'We're not taking anything away from you. We're the chariot pullers and servants of the Great Mother Rhea. We have a job already.'

The first head tilted slightly, confused. /_You're _not_ taking my masters away?_/

'No! If anything, we're here to make sure you get your masters back. The Great Mother is on Olympus making sure that Persephone can return to the Underworld, along with Bremos and the cub.'

/_Pup._/

'Whatever you say.'

The first head thought for a second. It looked painful. /_So…the pretty lady you were with is going to get Seph back?_/

'Yes.'

/_Who's the pretty lady?_/

Panthera groaned. This could take a while. 'She's the Great Mother Rhea, goddess of fertility and childbirth.'

Cerberus looked blank.

'She's Hades's mother, 'kay?'

/_Master Hades…is Rhea's pup?_/

'I…guess so, yeah.'

/_Oh, alright._/ The first head looked relieved.

There was a brief pause.

The second head snarled. /_You're in the Underworld 'cos you're here to take Bremos and Seph and the pup away from me!!_/

The two lions shared a look.

This could take a while.

* * *

Zelos, the god of rivalry and cupbearer to Zeus, nudged his brothers in the sides as he stared at the assembled gods.

'I didn't think Zeus and Poseidon could ever end up in this much trouble.'

'Yeah. Wonder who squealed on them?' Cratos, god of force glared over the possible choices. All of Zeus's kids were too loyal to him, so that ruled out most of Olympus. Ditto any of Poseidon's brats, except maybe the shapeshifting kid, Protozoa, Proetus…Proteus, that was it.

The Underworld gods…

Hades was an obvious choice, but nah. Even a guy who tried to take over Olympus wouldn't do something like that. Persephone…no way.

The bratty flame-topped kid of Hades though…

Brimstone…? Brimo…?

Bremos. _Nothing_ could be put past him.

'**Don't think I _don't_ know what happened with Thoosa and Halia, Po-po!! Or _Aphrodite_!! And the _Gorgons_!? Oh, you didn't think I heard about that!? In _Athena's temple_ no less!! Have you no _shame_!?**'

Sadly, their work ethics meant they couldn't simply go punch out the kid just because they thought he was the one who ratted out their master to his mother.

A furious noise from his left prompted Zelos to glance at his slightly younger brother. 'Ok, what's wrong now Bia?'

The god of force was turning an interesting shade of puce as he glared at the figure next to Bremos. 'Urge to hurt god of undead rising rapidly.'

'We kinda guessed that. What's getting you…so…' Cratos trailed off as the three brothers stared wordlessly at the winged goddess currently collapsed on Bremos's shoulder.

The urge to hurt Bremos irreparably suddenly rose threefold.

'**And that lovely girl of Atlas's!! You bloody well seduced her and left her!! At least Hermes turned out more like Maia than you!! _Cronus_ knows he had to inherit his charm from somewhere!! And Eurynome!? How could you?! The Graces had to make up for you!! But Aix I just do not understand!! A goat-woman?!**'

At least this was turning out to be an educational afternoon.

Bremos smirked widely as he watched Zeus stick his head in a cloudbank in an effort to block out the noise and/or attempt suicide.

His grin faded as he saw Hercules approach Hades with a look clearly stating that it couldn't kill, but it would cause a very painful rash.

'Hades, what have you said about my father to cause this?!'

The Lord of the Dead looked fairly non-plussed. 'Hey, I'm innocent in this. Go talk to the brats if you want answers.'

'_My_ son would never do something like this. It has to be you or your _son_ who caused this.'

Hades's hair and temper flared. 'Oversharing. Leave Bremos out of this.'

'He's a bad influence on Hyllus!'

'Pardon me? Really rich coming from one of _Zeus's_ brats.'

This earned him a fist straight in the gut. And Hades was not one to let an insult lie.

At least not without insurance details being exchanged.

* * *

Fights between their fathers were worth it simply for the comedy value, but family loyalty stated that Bremos should try to bail his dad out of this one.

He probably would have succeeded had Zeus's muscle-boys not surrounded him and lifted him off the floor.

'Ummm, hi guys.'

'**You didn't think Hades would act uncivilised after you shoved him into the Underworld?! How else was he supposed to act when his older _brothers_, the ones who were _supposed _to look out for him and _protect_ him, were too busy screwing _half the female population_ of _Greece_ to give a damn?!**'

Nike just cringed. This was officially _the_ most humiliating experience of her life.

Zelos hoisted the younger god about six feet into the air and snarled.

'Whaddya think you're doing with _our_ baby sister?'

'I'll stick with the generic retort and say 'what are you on about'?'

'Don't play dumb.' Bia cracked his knuckles. 'Nike is our little sister. Don't act like you don't know.'

Even from his current position, Bremos was still able to fold his arms and glare at Nike without losing any vital parts of his anatomy.

'This was the little something you were conveniently _not_ telling me, wasn't it?'

'Ummm, whoops?'

'Since I quite like having my body in its current state, then I won't say I'll kill you later.'

Cratos smiled coldly. 'You tryin' to be smart?'

'Guys, stop it.' The goddess of victory yanked on Zelos's arms. 'You may be strong, but you know I can defeat you.'

'Nike, quit it. We're trying to look after you here. And that means keeping you away from this little flame-topped jerk.'

'You aren't Athena, or Daddy, or Mom. Grow up.'

Bremos shifted so that his toga pin wasn't digging into his arm. 'I resent the 'flame-topped jerk' comment.'

'You hang around Nike much longer, you'll resent it even more buddy.'

'**You thought I'd forget what happened after the war!? Well, guess what!! It's a little hard to forget when your own _son_ betrays you and cuts you out of your part of the _COSMOS_!!**'

Every single head whirled round to glare at Zeus, currently sticking his fingers in his ears and humming a little song to drown out the therapy fees.

Bremos landed unceremoniously on the floor as Zelos dropped him.

Persephone quickly pulled out her earplugs as the last line registered.

Even Hades and Hercules stopped sniping at each other long enough to stare in amazement.

None of them had heard about _that_ part.

Zeus finally pulled his fingers out of his ears and straightened up. 'Mother, really. I had to divide it equally. Hades, Po-po and I were all to receive our own domains. It just wouldn't have split four ways.' He offered a desperate grin at the end.

Crickets could be heard chirping up to five hundred miles away.

'And…and…you still have Crete! You still have all those followers! The humans all honour you!'

The god of the undead couldn't resist a jibe.

'Zeus, listen _real_ closely to Earth. Hear that? It's the sound of humanity _not_ giving a flying fu--'

The rest of this comment was lost as soon as Nike and Hyllus forcibly gagged their friend.

'I believe my grandson summed it up quite perfectly.' Rhea folded her arms and glared at her sons.

'And unless either of you have something to say, then I'd like to propose something.'

Zeus and Poseidon cringed.

This was going to hurt the old egos.

* * *

'Ok, so are all of you clear on the situation?' Leo stared at Cerberus's heads.

Trying to explain what was happening on Olympus to one head was bad enough.

Trying to explain what was happening on Olympus to three heads and a tail was a migraine waiting to happen.

/_So Master Seph's going to come back here with Bremos and the pup?_/ The tail was wagging so fast it was a blur.

Panthera rolled her eyes. 'YES.'

/_And I'll get to see the pup once it's born and everything?_/

'YES!'

The giant guard dog barked happily before charging off to find his squeaky toys. Everything was going to be alright!! Master Seph was coming back!! And so were Bremos and the pup!!

The two lions sighed as they watched Cerberus tear off.

Three heads.

No brains.

Sheeesh.

* * *

'And you wouldn't tell me earlier because…?'

Bremos winced as he sat back next to the goddess of victory. His neck and right arm were busy competing for the title of 'Most Painful Appendage' after Nike's brothers had threatened him with bodily mutilation should he harm even one feather on their baby sister's wings.

'Because you were being an obnoxious jerk.'

'I'm always obnoxious. It's part of my job description.'

Nike stared at her hands. 'Yeah, well, you were more so than normal. I may get annoyed with them, but they're my brothers, and I don't like people insulting them.'

Ouch. Guilt trip.

Even worse, it was working.

/Urrgh. I know I'm not even supposed to _think_ this, but _bloody_ women./

The god of the undead frowned slightly. It was risky, but he had to try it.

He just prayed there were no witnesses for this.

'I'm…I'm…_jeez_ this is weird…I'm...y'know...the _S-word_.'

Nike stared at him wide-eyed. Unless her hearing was going, she had just heard Bremos...

'You're actually…_S-word_…?'

'…Mmmmnh.'

She tilted her head in amusement. 'The son of Hades? Saying the S-word? Are you ill?'

'Hey!'

He pulled his face straight into a pout purely to see what happened.

The soft slap on the arm didn't come.

But a slightly nervous and very sweet kiss did.

* * *

Persephone tried not to laugh at her husband's expression. 'If you value your health, you will not tease him!'

The expression on Hades's face was the biggest pair of pleading eyes he could muster.

'It's my parental right and duty to embarrass him with this. C'mooooon, please?'

'No.'

'Please?'

'No.'

'I'll tell my mom.'

'Tough luck. She likes me.'

'Damn.'

'You sound so disappointed.'

'Yeah. I get the evil mother-in-law, you get the nice one. I don't see the fairness of the situation.'

Rhea rolled her eyes at her youngest son. 'The fairness of the situation is that Zeus decreed that you can visit Seph up here, and I promise that I'll be present when the baby's born.'

'And I'm not complaining about that. I just want the opportunity to annoy, humiliate and otherwise embarrass my own flesh and blood before the next brat's born.'

The goddess of rebirth sighed. 'Rhea? One thing I've been meaning to ask…'

'Go ahead.'

'Sibling rivalry. How do you prevent it?'

The goddess of fertility and childbirth spared a sympathetic glance at her daughter-in-law's stomach.

'Too late.'

* * *

TBC

(1) From what I found out, after Hercules freed him from the rock, Prometheus married the Oceanid Asia and had a daughter, Aidos, with her. Bless. Any guy who can retain his sense of humour even after being chained to a rock for eternity is cool by me.

(2) You knew it had to happen eventually!

* * *

Hades: For once I don't feel the need to insult you.

Melora: That's a first.

Hades: True, yeah. But I'm still gonna annoy you until you tell me what sex the new brat is.


	39. Chapter 39: Foot In Mouth Disease

A/N: In official news, the bump _will_ be born within the next four to five parts. And no, I AM NOT TELLING ANYONE WHAT SEX THE BUMP IS!!

* * *

**Crimson Fuchsia**: Have actually got something planned for Eris, and yep, there will be another few myths shoved in for good measure. Yay for Zeus-torture…and I think you got me and Jurious's fics mixed up at some point!

**Silverrain (Masses' review)**: More kitties and Cerberus will turn up. As for the suggestion…it's got me thinking, I can say that much…And I've decided in the interests of preserving my remaining sanity that I won't ask what the hell that Spanish sentence meant.

**Liesel**: Tough nuggets. Everyone waits. I don't think anyone will be disappointed when the bump is born!

**Wanderer**: Again, tough. Wait like everyone else. (Except for my mom, VM and Jurious who already know.) Hades is only acting soppy cos he's finally realised he's gonna be a dad again.

**Sarah Black**: Cerberus can't help it if he's adorable yet denser than a breezeblock. Don't think there will be sibling rivalry…or will there?

**AimzNemesis, Sadistic Scorpion**: My mom said exactly the same thing when she read it as well.

**Dr. Thinker**: It's a good world if you can make someone laugh.

**Nasketch**: Frankly I've yet to meet a woman who didn't drool at Oliver Wood in the film. For that I support Gryffindor. Otherwise, Slytherin all the way! And if I were the goddess of all things Sex-ay, I'd actually be able to get Hades to act immortal instead of acting like a four-year-old.

**Doinkchan**: Please God tell me that 'Bremos and Seph have to date' was a typo. Please. I'm feeling a tad nauseous at the concept.

**No need to know**: 26th February or March? If I missed it, happy belated birthday! If I haven't…erm, Hades has informed me that if I ever make him sing again, he'll erase my copy of Spiderman. Sorry! And I had to tell him what sex the bump is to stop him doing that after the last part!

**Mom**: Well, you got one thing right. You do exhibit the maternal abilities of a plant. A Venus Fly Trap to be precise. Yes, I'll put more Cerberus and the kitties in soon. I have prolonged experience with both maternal rants and obnoxious cats. I used to live with both for half the year. Now I just beg for money. (Hint hint.)

**Lirenel**: Trust me; more was extracted from Zeus after Rhea was finished with him. I'm gonna reveal it soon.

**Worldtraveler**: I think it would be kinda hard NOT to listen in when a Titaness starts screaming at her eldest. Cerberus and the kitties will make another appearance together…

**VMorticia**: The only person to get the Red Dwarf reference! No comment as to the context of various deities eating various deities. Oh, and hi, Harry. Draco, Hades has demanded to speak to you once I've finished the reply section. Be afraid. He's teed off.

**Silverrain**: Again with us women thinking Hades is the perfect man! Sadly I can't say that without getting ridiculed constantly for eternity. The helm of invisibility and the gift box are most welcome.

**BlueRose**: Awww, thank you!

**Traum**: Nice try. Everyone waits. I still find it disturbing that in the myths, Hades was the only normal god out of the whole lot.

**YunCyn**: Think said thunder-god's conquest-with-kids list was about thirty or forty or something like that. Scary. I couldn't picture Zeus as a teenager until I saw 'The Visit from Zeus' episode, so I can see why the gibbering thing's hard to imagine. Relax, Bremos and Hyllus can easily worm their way out of trouble. And of course Cerberus is cute.

* * *

Hades: This is for the vampire… I am not having a mid-life crisis. Anyone who says otherwise is gonna have a severe _end-of_ life crisis. Capiche?

Melora: Oooooh. Someone's pissed off.

Hades: Duh. It's all your fault anyway.

Melora: How exactly is you getting insulted by someone else's muse my fault?

Hades: You write the stuff, babe. I just sit back and make with the sarcasm.

Melora: Yeah. Normally at my expense.

Hades: Hey, I need some form of entertainment.

* * *

Disclaimer: This thing grows ever longer... Seph, Bremos, the bump, Agony, Torment, Hyllus, Nike, Voluptas, Asclepius, Proteus, Telemachus, Rhea, the two lions and any new characters in this part all mine. Hades, Hercules, Zeus etc. all Disney's. Glad that's sorted out.

/.../ denotes thoughts

A/N 2: I believe I said that I'd cover the whole Cronus cutting off various painful body parts after the Zeus-torture ended. See (1) for details. Eeesh.

* * *

**I Won't Say It: Part 39 **

* * *

When someone is in love, many small aspects of their personality start to change for the soppier. Bad habits magically disappear, the urge to find joy in everything is almost overwhelming, the air seems sweeter, even pop lyrics actually start to mean something.

In theory at least.

Reality's never that simple.

Or that clichéd.

* * *

If it were possible for Hyllus, Proteus, Voluptas or Telemachus to look any more nonplussed, some sort of revolutionary new facial surgery would be required.

Bremos's idea of showing his elation at being in a semi-romantic relationship appeared to involve releasing something strange, red and toxic from the Underworld's R&D Department.

People have often commented love is blind.

In this case, love was not only blind, but it had a blinder of a rash.

* * *

Predicting yet another disease that he would have to cure at some point, Asclepius found a scrap of papyrus and started taking notes.

'Symptoms?'

'Circular rash, sneezing, fever, glands the size of oranges, hideously over-dramatic death…the usual.'

'Any names given to said illness?'

Bremos rolled his eyes. 'Point in my defence: really hard to remember particulars with Dad flaying any imp he can get his hands on and Mom threatening to cut my allowance.'

'Be original and try.'

'Meh. Dunno…something like bubonic plague. The name kinda needs work.'

'Great. This brings the number of deadly diseases to fifteen this month. Are you trying to spread pestilence, evil and chaos wherever you go?'

'It's in my job description.'

He ducked as Nike swiped at his head. 'What?'

The goddess of victory sighed and leaned back in her seat. Romance looked a lot more surreal when you were in a relationship with one of the gods of the Underworld. A month into the relationship, she had had a vague idea that hormonal interest was meant to involve vomit-inducingly sweet notes passed in class, holding hands whenever possible, and intimate dates under vivid sunsets.

Bubonic plague hadn't featured highly.

The ability to belch the alphabet wasn't a central fixture.

Constant trouble, detentions, smart-arsed one-liners and slightly confused eternal devotion however… she could take those quite happily.

All of the various junior deities looked up in vague interest as Parenthesis dumped an armload of scrolls onto his desk and attempted to call the class to order.

'If I could get your attention (for once in your entire school careers), there is a little event you will (or most likely won't) be interested in.'

A papyrus dart whizzed by his nose. 'Proteus, detention (not that you particularly seem to care).'

The shapeshifter settled back in his chair and smirked. 'Go me.'

'This Friday (Zeus help all of us) is Take Your Offspring To Work Day. This is a chance to experience a day in the real world of work (and a day off for the teachers).'

Bremos and Hyllus exchanged a glance as soon as the Pro. Ac. Director proceeded to ramble on about 'the fabulous (or otherwise) opportunities just presented to them'.

The three-day weekend just came calling.

* * *

THUNK

'Anything?'

Persephone tried not to laugh. 'Grey blob.'

THUNK

'Better?'

'Fuzzy at the edges.'

THUNK

CLANG

'Now?'

'Interesting creative choice. You were going for green?'

The slightly dented helm of invisibility sailed across the room, followed by a fireball and a string of curses berating all teenagers.

Needless to say, the Lord of the Dead was peeved.

'Can't I have _one_ piece of divine technology that _doesn't_ get screwed up by the brat?'

Hades slouched back onto the freeform nimbus couch beside his wife and summoned up a rare pout.

'Like I told you before, everything valuable out of sight until he's out destroying his own portion of the Underworld.' The goddess of rebirth rolled her eyes and leaned against her husband, trying to ignore the slightly crowded feeling in her abdomen. Much like her first pregnancy, the bump had properly appeared by the fourth month, along with the oddly perky hormones and the constant feeling of acid indigestion.

If said indigestion was anything to go by, this kid had one hell of a hairstyle.

'You said that when Bremos was still in diapers.'

'And it applies to anything you actually want to remain intact. Especially after this little guy's born.'

Hades's expression downgraded from 'strangle the teenage drain on the wallet' to 'act manly yet paternal about next brat-to-be' as he glanced at his wife's stomach. Genetics and the Fates being what they were, Seph was probably right about having another son.

Despite that, he still had some sort of vague hope for a daughter this time round. A little mini-Seph _would_ be unbelievably cute…

His expression downgraded even further as Seph's due date flashed through the flames. Sure, he was allowed to be on Olympus with her while the pregnancy lasted…after that, it was back to the Underworld with only the imps and occasionally Bremos for company until autumn rolled round.

Woo-bloody-hoo, as his son often put it.

'You just went to that blue place in your head again, didn't you.'

'This time it was black.'

'Uh-huh. Look at it this way, Bremos was early. The laws of averages being in our favour, this one's late. Offspring not born on Olympus; therefore, you get to do the besotted daddy deal and everyone's happy and/or nauseated.'

Hades smirked and slid one of his arms around Persephone's expanding waist. 'Except your mother.'

'I never said it was perfect.'

'Here's hoping.' This earned him a quick peck on the cheek before a column of black and gold flames clutching two stone tablets and a cheese pitta completely shattered the atmosphere.

The goddess of rebirth rolled her eyes at the sight of the tablets. Generally tablets meant either a damage waiver, or a school trip resulting in an international incident and yet another damage waiver.

'What did you break now and where do I sign?'

Bremos instantly pretended to look hurt. 'I'm offended. I don't break stuff intentionally.'

To his credit, the Lord of the Dead simply glared at his son before going back to mythological armour repair duty.

'Seriously, what do I have to sign?' Persephone leaned over, albeit with some difficulty, and neatly whisked the tablets out of her son's grasp.

'Report tablet.' Bremos had the decency to look embarrassed.

'On that note, the number of detentions on there is _totally_ exaggerated…'

His mother's eyes widened as she sped-read to the important details. 'An average of 17 detentions given per week with two given today in the same class?'

Excuse time.

'It was honest scientific observation and interest. I really did want to know what the probability of foreign bodies passing through Uranus was.'

'No comment.' Persephone sighed.

Teenagers.

Sheeesh.

'And the other tablet?'

* * *

This was so desperately unfair.

This was so desperately unfair it was actually making him pout.

And the Prince of the Underworld did not pout.

Standing at the border between the Asphodel Fields and Tartarus, he leaned against one of the boulders and started complaining loudly in the general direction of the palace.

'This wasn't exactly what I had in mind when I mentioned the Brat to Work Day.'

The responding yell reeked of smugness. 'Your mother said to think of it as character building.'

/Nemmy-award winning whining now uploading.../

'_Daaaaaaaaad_, this ain't character building. My character's decomposing faster than goat dung.'

'Cute. Really. Now go rule your depressing immortal domain like a good lil' Prince of the Underworld.'

'You're _really_ loving this, aren't you?'

'Yep. Go. Rule. Now.'

* * *

/So much for male solidarity./

Making a short but explicit hand gesture towards the palace, Bremos stomped off towards the Pool of Lethe as only a teenager can do. Teed off didn't come anywhere close to covering his current mood.

All of his plans for today had originally featured sleep, slobbing about the palace, food, a respectable amount of minion torture and more sleep, possibly with a sneak trip to Olympus to see Hyllus and Nike. Not forgetting more food and a small snooze before the main evening slob.

Wandering around the Asphodel Fields bored out of his flamed skull with only the entire population of complaining undead residents for company was starting to make calculated revenge look bloody appealing.

Holding the current record for most detentions in one class in one day should not be the basis of a humiliating punishment from a moody pregnant mother.

/On the plus side, I'm not at school./

SQUISH-ICK

'Ewwwwwwww, _sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeez_!!'

/School somehow looking _very_ appealing from this end./

Bremos stared in utter disgust (a rare occasion in itself) at the stinking green…thing attached to the bottom of his sandal before prising it off and hoisting it into the air.

'**Whoever owns the…_whatever_ the hell it is I just trod on, get over here now!!**'

No reply.

'**Helloooooo? Someone lost a…**what the? _Oh jeeez_…**Somebody lost an arm here!!**'

Still nothing.

'**Possibly while high on bloodlust!!**'

Nada.

'**Hector of Troy, I'm looking in your direction…**'

The aforementioned spirit glanced down at the bloodied stump of his left arm.

His left arm proceeded to hit him in the face as he looked up.

Bremos rolled his eyes and tried to clean the gangrene off his hands.

'**People, _c'mon_. Seriously. We have an arrangement, ok? I keep track of your boring spirit asses, you do…whatever it is undead guys do, like keeping track of your rotting, dismembered limbs!!**'

Several ex-Trojan soldiers had the decency to look embarrassed as the Prince of the Underworld slouched off.

* * *

Cerberus was confused.

Cerberus was _really_ confused.

The kitties had gone, he was _sure_ he had seen them leave with the pretty lady Rhea. But whenever he looked round, he was certain he could see a kitty peering round at him. If he listened very carefully, he could even hear a kitty meowing at him…

But he couldn't _smell_ the kitties…so where were they?

Maybe…maybe they had come back to try and frighten him! Cerberus growled and puffed his chest out. No kitty was going to frighten him! He was the guard dog of the Underworld! No kitties could scare him.

_…meow… _

A meow? Where was the meow coming from if he couldn't see a kitty?

The giant black dog whimpered and made for his favourite rock. He was almost certain he'd heard a kitty meowing next to the Styx.

The kitties were out to get him!!

* * *

'Bored, bored, bored, bored, BORED!!'

Bremos stared at the sundial. The torture had to be over by now…

Fat chance. It was still only ten in the morning. He slouched back underneath a cypress tree. Cerberus had long since abandoned him to his fate. Then again, he was getting the feeling that the dog was going paranoid on him for some weird reason.

No food, no Cerberus, no Nike…

Even _Gym_ was better than this.

/Inner monologue clearly delirious from tedium. _Nothing_ is worse than Gym./

'Wrong. Personally, your inner monologue could do with some fine-tuning.'

The god of the undead looked up and tried not to have a heart attack. It wasn't particularly dignified. But the voice, or rather the owner of the voice had a good point.

'Hey Than. Slow day?'

'No kidding. But hell, like I'm complaining?' The most unpopular of the gods bar Hades leaned his scythe against the tree and rearranged his tunic. Tall, dark and imposing, sleek black raven's wings spread behind him; he looked every inch the god of death.

Admittedly he might have looked a tad more threatening if he didn't have a permanently apologetic expression on his handsome face.

'True. So what's with the stoppage?'

Thanatos grinned. 'Zeus just pulled me off normal duty to go kill this one mortal. Didn't get the particulars, but it had something to do with him and one of Poseidon's granddaughters.'

'So, despite the lecture to end all lectures from Rhea, he's still out proclaiming the wonders of infidelity?'

'As always. So this mortal…think his name was Sisyphus…said to Poseidon that Zeus was the guilty party, our wondrous king got hacked off, and sent yours truly to find the guy and bring him in so he can get a thunderbolt up the wazoo. Poor shmuck.'

The younger god winced. 'Ouch. Lemme guess; you're taking your own sweet time about finding Sisyphus?'

'He's due to die anyway, so I can't mess with the sad remains of his life too much.'

'Where's the job perks when you need 'em?'

The god of death spread his wings and hoisted his scythe onto his shoulder. 'None in this line of work.'

'Meh.' Bremos sighed and looked through his checklist as Thanatos took off.

Walk Cerberus…check.  
Yell at underlings…check.  
Annoy Ophion…great. (2)

Boredom or annoy a basilisk with manic depression.

Well, at least someone else would be suffering.

* * *

TBC

(1) Very quick recap. Uranus and Gaea were the parents of the Titans, the Hundred Handed Giants and the Cyclops. Problem was that Uranus, being immortal, didn't want to have kids messing up his hold on the cosmos. As each of his kids was born, he shoved them back into Gaea.

Unsurprisingly, Gaea was more than a little peeved. She crafted a scythe and told her children what Daddy was in trouble for and asked which one would do the deed. Only Cronus agreed. That night, Uranus came to Gaea and lay with her. Cronus seized both the initiative and his dad's nads, hacked them off and threw them into the sea. Before he took over from Uranus as Ruler of the Cosmos, his dad screamed a prophecy that he would be overthrown in turn, and that his children would all become over-reachers, or 'Titans'.

(2) According to one version of the Creation myth, the goddess Eurynome arose naked out of Chaos and created a giant snake, Ophion. The two of them got romantic and the result was the Universal Egg. The snake kept it warm and then the Earth and stuff was born from said egg. Ophion then got too big for his scales and said he created the world. Eurynome got cheesed off, kicked his teeth out, and cast him into Tartarus where he lived forever as a basilisk.

* * *

Hades: Eeesh. Proof that my family is a set of deeply disturbed shlubs.

Melora: No kidding. And you say I'm senselessly violent.

Hades: You are. You just don't have a scythe and a death wish.

Melora: I live with you. Doesn't that count as a death wish?

Hades: That's just random insanity talking, babe.


	40. Chapter 40: Memo to me: activate brain b...

A/N: If this part completely sucks, please be gentle with me. I initially wrote this after my boyfriend told me he'd been seeing someone else.

* * *

**Exploding Snap**: **300TH REVIEWER!** Yes, it was Hector's arm. Poor Bremos indeed! As to the bump…you'll find in the next couple of parts, but I don't think anyone will be disappointed with the sex of the bump! Glad I appeared to have converted you to the wonders of alternative Greek mythology.

**Nasketch**: Yet another insanely happy person. Again, wait for another couple of parts! Kitties rule!

**Rainne**: I don't think this is the funniest fanfiction ever, but thanks for the sentiments! The focus is always on the protagonists, but the occasional Cerberus interlude is too much to pass up! Had originally planned to continue the story until the birth of Bremos, but even the best laid plans, yadda yadda yadda…

**Seyi**: Cursing will not make the chapters appear faster.

**Ami**: Good grief. You read all 39 parts in three days? I applaud you hun! Loved Hades as soon as he appeared in the movie, in case anyone couldn't tell.

**Worldtraveler**: Hmmmm. 'So, Bremos was assigned to look after a bunch of zombies that wander around a field in the middle of nowhere trying to keep track of their body parts?' Perfect description of the average male.

**AimzNemesis, Sadistic Scorpion**: I thought the last chapter sucked, but that's just me being all nitpicky. The ability to belch the alphabet is a fairly common party trick among university students.

**Silverrain**: Next part up to pacify the masses! Cerberus is just being paranoid. Bless. But he will get to see the kitties once the bump begins to arrive. Love the quote - keep thinking of that boomerang scene from Mad Max 2 for some reason…

**Mom**: It's impossible even for Bremos not to notice that the dog's acting weird. But he will be helping to look after the offspring if he values his health and sanity. (Or what's left of it.)

**Wanderer**: Cerberus is paranoid. I just like to think he does a cute paranoid. Am intrigued by these little creativity demons running round your brain…what are the voices telling you to do?

**Dr. Thinker**: Voila next part.

**VMorticia**: Again, full points for the Red Dwarf references. The pop lyrics one was from the first novel. If you think about the myth of Cronus and Uranus and the possibility of foreign bodies passing through…well, your deeply warped mind'll grasp it, I'm sure.

**Sarah Black**: Are you off the sugar high yet? Seph'll probably be strangling Hades by the time the bump's born, but there's still plenty of Nike/Bremos to go round!!

**Doinkchan**: Hey, I can't wait for the bump to be born either and I'm the writer!

**YunCyn**: Bremos is maintaining that the bubonic plague was just an accident. Yeah. I had to do gross humour at some point. And yep, Cerberus is going paranoid about seeing mystery lions, but the kitties will soon sort him out!

* * *

Hades: Has it occurred to you yet that we're starting to sound like a married couple?

Melora: No. And damn my morbid sense of curiosity…Married couple how?

Hades: We live together. We row all the time. We don't have sex. What's the difference?

Melora: And the pithy witticisms have left the building.

Hades: Damn, I'm good.

* * *

Disclaimer: Seph, Bremos, the bump, Agony, Torment, Hyllus, Nike, Voluptas, Asclepius, Proteus, Telemachus, Rhea, the lions, Thanatos and Sisyphus all belong to me. Everything else belongs to Disney. Please don't sue!!

/.../ denotes thoughts

Dedicated to: Jess, my now sadly departed and deeply missed kitty and the inspiration behind Panthera and Leo.

* * *

**I Won't Say It: Part 40 **

* * *

/Annoy Zeus…just existing annoys the big Z: Check.

Emotionally scar offspring for life…if muffled gagging at weird hour of morning hints at anything: Check.

Private time with beloved if sleep-deprived, deeply moody and six-months pregnant partner…/

Hades yawned and slid his arms away from Persephone's waist, hoping like hell that she wouldn't wake up. Much as he loved the goddess of rebirth, he wasn't particularly in the mood for being on the receiving end of a random early morning mood swing.

At least, not without coffee being pumped directly through his veins.

* * *

With her offspring's insistence at torturing her vital organs, combined with missing her husband and trying to look after the obnoxious walking hormone otherwise known as her son, the predictable result was that Seph had gotten precisely no sleep over the past few nights.

The deal that Rhea had arranged with the king of the gods ran that Hades could visit his wife while she was on Olympus, but Underworld visits were a big fat nada. The little detail no one had specified however was the times that the Lord of the Dead could turn up for family bonding.

Including the night.

The solution? Despised overlord of evil, the Underworld and the life-deprived crashing the night on Olympus. Seph happy, aforementioned overlord happy if deafened, Bremos mildly to utterly disgusted, and everyone else deeply annoyed.

Hades: 1 - Zeus: 0.

Hence the reason he was half-dozing next to Seph.

Not that anything had actually happened last night. Bump Number Two was encountering its older brother's little problem with day and night.

Namely the complete inability to tell the difference between the two concepts.

Bump: 1 - Hades: 0.

* * *

Persephone rolled over as the lack of warmth on her stomach jolted her back to consciousness. Not the best night's sleep in recorded history, but at least Mini-Flame Number Two had stopped kicking her innards to shreds for a while.

Unfortunately she was now somewhat dependent on Hades keeping his hands over her stomach. The bump seemed to like its father making a fuss over it, and there were no complaints from its mother, at any rate.

Even though he never said as much, she still got the feeling that Hades was more than a little nervous about the whole parenting deal. He was the only son of Cronus not to be fathering a kid every other day of the week; as it stood, Poseidon and Zeus were far more experienced with fatherhood than Hades could ever be.

However, Hades was probably the only one of the three brothers to know the difference between being a _father_ and being a _dad_. Most of the time, it didn't appear as if he was particularly concerned about his offspring, apart from when something expensive and/or internationally embarrassing occurred. But let anyone try to hurt, upset or offend Bremos, and his desperately protective side shone right through.

To be fair to Zeus and Poseidon though, she knew they cared about all of their offspring. Zeus just had a slightly nasty tendency not to get too involved in his children's lives.

But as for Po-po…the phrase 'completely besotted' didn't do the sea god justice when it came to his children, and especially to his only daughter. Seph was the only deity who didn't tease him about it, considering Rhode was: a) adorable, and b) her niece.

If she had a daughter, then she and Rhode could grow up as best friends, just as Bremos and Hyllus had done…

'Owwww…'

Her train of thought derailed, Seph winced and rested a hand over the probable remains of her liver.

The bump had clearly decided things were too quiet outside for its liking.

'Not even born yet and the kid's an attention seeker.'

She rolled her eyes at her semi-conscious husband and settled back down, resting her head on his shoulder.

'Just like its dad, then.'

'Heh. You know you love it.'

'Possibly. What I'm not loving is surviving on three hours respite from motherhood every night and ending up exhausted because your offspring has no ability to tell the time.'

Hades smirked lightly and wrapped his arm around her shoulders. 'I'm trying to think of a positive aspect of no sleep and failing miserably.'

'Probably because you had about the same amount of sleep as I did last night. Go back to the Underworld and get some kip. You look awful.'

'And you look beautiful babe. Point being?'

Seph propped herself up on her elbows and sighed. 'It doesn't matter what loopholes you found in the deal with Zeus; he and my mom'll still go spare if they find you seeing in the sunrise with me.'

'This is just a really subtle way of telling me to shift, isn't it?'

'Yep. So shift already.'

Getting told to leave by your wife for any reason stung more than just a tad. But Hades was secure in the knowledge that at least half of Seph's comments had a barrelful of deeply problematic hormones and a severe lack of sleep behind them. It made them pretty easy to ignore.

The Lord of the Dead succeeded in not looking too desperately hurt as he kissed his wife on the cheek and promptly vanished.

* * *

/Several hundred brilliant, carefully screened answers to choose from and what do I pick? 'Yep. So shift already'. Jeeez…/

The goddess of rebirth slouched back on her pillows and waited for the first mood swing of the day.

Coincidentally, it happened to be a fairly appropriate brooding/minor paranoid fit.

/Bloody hormones./

Ironically, these sentiments were being echoed by the god of the undead, albeit under completely different circumstances.

* * *

Hyllus massaged his temples and tried desperately to glare at his cousin, who was currently lying in a ball on the floor of the men's room, his hands clasped protectively around his favourite set of organs.

'Ok…can I ask you something?'

Bremos squeaked slightly and rolled over. 'No. I'm in an extraordinarily large amount of pain.'

'I'm asking anyway. Now…we're certain that you're meant to be the oldest out of all of us?'

'Physically or emotionally?'

'We already know you have the emotional maturity of a two-year old.'

'I resent that.'

Proteus rolled his eyes. 'Why?'

'It happens to be a three-year old.'

'Whatever. You're the oldest out of all of us, right? Therefore you've gotten a few more life lessons than we have, especially with your dad being…well, Hades. '

'So?'

To the god of loyalty, it was like trying to deal with a rather slow five-year old that couldn't work out how to use a spoon.

'_So_…what was the most critical piece of advice your dad ever gave you about women?'

'When she asks if you love her, it means she's gonna ask for something expensive.'

'No.'

'Never ever say the red dress is better than the black.'

'Again, no.'

'If she says she's using something, don't believe it.'

Hyllus's patience proceeded to wear out. 'Never ever pick an argument with a woman with PMS.'

'I think I slept through that one.'

Proteus shook his head. 'What did you say to her anyway?'

'Absolutely nothing!'

Four completely disbelieving faces stared straight back at him.

'…Well…I asked her what was wrong, she said nothing, I asked anyway…'

Telemachus dragged himself out of his musings. 'And you started singing soprano after that?'

'Umm…noooo…she said she was PMS-ing and pissed off about how that Caledonian skirmish she had at the weekend had ended. Hell, you know she doesn't like working with Ares. I tried to perk her up a bit, she got pissed off, then I got pissed off and said I didn't know what her problem was, but it was probably hard to pronounce…'

Proteus, Hyllus and Asclepius winced. They'd heard _that_ bit.

It was right before Nike had exploded, announced that the god of the undead had no problems that several sons of Ares with iron clubs couldn't correct, and proceeded to kick her boyfriend very, _very_ hard in a very delicate area.

The handy thing about being immortal was that at least the god of the undead would probably still be able to have children.

Probably.

* * *

One thing was confusing Bremos just a tad. Apart how bloody irrational women could be.

He glanced up painfully at the only mortal in the room. 'Tel? One question.'

'Hmmm?'

'A 'ridicule the resident sex-god moment' was presented to you and you weren't playing 'Twenty Quips'? What gives?'

The son of Odysseus rolled his eyes. 'Family problems. Grandpa's been boasting about managing to trick one of the gods into something. And he ain't exactly the nicest of old people.'

'Icarius? Tel, hate to break it to you, but the guy died four years ago. Cerberus thought his spirit was a chew-toy the last time I checked.'

'_Other_ grandpa, genius. As in the king of Corinth?'

Bremos made a slightly derisive noise and winced. 'If I end up seeing him around the Asphodel Fields I'll say 'welcome to eternal boredom' for ya.'

'Charming as ever.'

'Meh.' His brain chose that moment to stop his body from screaming in agony and return to scheming and plotting his way through life, starting with the recall of a slightly unpleasant piece of information.

Thanatos had been sent after some poor sucker of a mortal recently. A mortal who had managed to get into some serious trouble with the big Z. If this was the same guy that Telemachus was talking about…

'What's his name anyway?'

'Sisyphus, son of King Aeolus.'

Bremos's eyes widened.

/Sisy…Oh bloody buggering _hell_./

* * *

Cerberus sniffed idly at one of the Furies' nests. The funny little birdie things knew he wouldn't hurt them or their eggs, but it didn't stop them squawking at him to leave them alone.

He knew how they felt. Bremos and the pup-to-be might not be his proper pups, not like if he'd met a pretty three-headed lady dog and had had a litter of dog-pups, but he was as protective of them as if they were his own pups.

Something still wasn't right.

Even his desperately askew canine instincts knew that.

Was something out of place?

Had something happened to his river or his cave?

It suddenly clicked.

Charon hadn't said hello to him as he rowed past with all the funny see-through people on his floating stick!

Where was Charon?

Cerberus trotted over to the bank of the Styx and looked around for the undead ferryman.

He wasn't there!!

Even more worrying…there were no funny see-through people!!

What was going on?

Unless…

The kitties had done this!! They were trying to frighten him by taking all his funny see-through people away!!

Cerberus whined, all six ears flattening against his heads.

Not only were the kitties out to get him, they were out to get the rest of the Underworld as well!!

* * *

'Oy…'

Hades rolled his eyes and levelled the pile of parchment blocking the throne-room door with a few fireballs. A few short hours…ok, days…possibly weeks…_fine_, a couple of _months_ of avoiding the Underworld and this was the pay off.

/Haven't seen this much paperwork since Zeus dropped that pile of thunderbolts on Vesuvius during sweeps week./

Admittedly it had been worth it just to see the look on his big brother's face when he realised he'd just irretrievably buggered up part of the cosmos.

Settling back into his throne, the Lord of the Dead started scanning through the various memos that the imps had botched up for him.

Caledonian conflict - Tartarus admin. via Elysian Fields.

International incident involving offspring, offspring's best friends and fairly ancient/important Egyptian statue - cut offspring's allowance. Raise offspring's allowance if said offspring has managed to offend entire Egyptian pantheon.

Vet's bills - wasn't here, didn't see 'em, couldn't stop imps destroying 'em.

Vacation pay request from Charon - what in the…?

* * *

Four char-grilled imps later, Hades was standing at the edge of the dock; a four-alarm glare focussed on the undead ferryman cowering slightly in the hull of his boat.

'We'll go through this nice and slow, 'kay? You, ferryman of the dead. Taking ex-mortals across Styx 24/7 job. As such, you get nada vacation pay since you GET _NADA VACATION TIME_!!'

Charon tried not to tremble. Getting in touch with the boss wasn't exactly healthy or conductive to his existence.

'But sir, business is so slow recently…'

Now _that_ stopped Hades's thought processes. 'Excuse me?'

'I haven't had a full boat for nearly two months. No one's been dying, so that's why I thought…'

'Back up, back up…no-one's been _dying_!? Oh, that's just GREAT!!'

Hades whirled round and fixed the Glare O' Pain on the imps. 'And I wasn't told _because_…!?'

Pain looked up from his current task of bandaging his rear end. 'Because Your Viciousness said any business memos could wait until you got back from spousal duties?'

'Hello? Business memos such as Pool of Lethe needing cleaned or meetings with the Harpy union rep; they wait. Business memos such as the business going to…well, _here_; you move your whiny little butts up to the golden gates and TELL ME!!'

Cue the pre-atomic explosion.

'Can ANYTHING possibly make this any worse?!'

A rumble of thunder resonated across the river while the red clouds of war started forming in the air.

'HADES!!'

Hades groaned and rubbed his flaming temples.

Ares.

Specifically, Ares in a worse mood than normal.

Yep. It got worse.

* * *

TBC

* * *

Hades: Saying that some guy's dumped you never really works as an excuse for lateness, babe.

Melora: You try getting your heart broken for the forth time running and then try to write something witty yet coherent.

Hades: You were writing earlier. Amazingly witty and coherent for some reason.

Melora: That was a death threat. It doesn't count.

Hades: No, but it's the first thing you've written which makes me snigger.


	41. Chapter 41: Dead people have no relation...

A/N: Thanks go to my mom for the info about the amusement value of mood swings in pregnancy. Seph's gonna be acting pretty OOC cos of said condition. BTW, very long chapter and bit of a time skip. Enjoy!

* * *

**Wanderer**: Bremos is a teenager. By law he's required to do something stupid. Hmmm…creativity demons evil.

**Miyoko Rikuri**: Hey sweetie! I bow to the raising of the funny-shaped hat! Men are just very, very evil things of doom.

**Kali**: Hades fan! I don't think my Grecian mythology is that well researched, but I do my best. I just blame my mother for encouraging me.

**Lena**: Isn't it dangerous to be left without coherent thought? Oh, don't worry…Bremos's childhood is _definitely_ gonna get a good airing. Most of the myths are covered pretty well on the net, but I'm happy to explain a few if people get confused.

**Worldtraveler**: I know you didn't mean it like that, but it's bloody accurate all the same! And yes I promise the bump _will_ be born in Ch.42!!

**Nasketch**: Men are evil beings of pain and doom. Was not a happy bunny recently.

**Rainne**: No, I won't stop ranting about this.

**SuperNova**: Sadly Hades has a job that takes him away from Seph. He hates it, but he has to do it. Ares…erm, read on. And Rhea will turn up for the bump's birth. So next chapter really!

**Seyi**: Ok, I admit the cursing worked. But it only worked cos I felt marginally guilty about not updating. But real life takes priority. Sadly.

**Mom**: Again, if I don't put in plenty of Cerberus, you have a tendency to get teed off and take the huff with me.

**Joan Mae**: Who exactly are the masses? Hades is just a big softie really. Bless. Didn't think this fic qualified as fun, but hey. Can't argue with the majority! Have actually written fanfics for Dragonball Z, Gundam Wing and Beyblade. The DBZ and Beyblade fics are on the site while the GW fics are on my own site. Couldn't put them up cos the NC-17 rating was removed. Censorship sucks. And I thank you for the comment about my work causing your sanity to shrivel up and die.

**Doinkchan**: Very glad you liked the last chapter! I still can't wait for the bump to be born…much cuteness is due to abound.

**YunCyn**: Nike has a helluva temper on her, as Bremos has no doubt found out. Simply put, Sisyphus is the dude who got condemned to roll the boulder up the hill for eternity…the reasons for which are about to be majorly twiddled with.

**VMorticia**: Eeeeesh. Hospital ain't fun, so I will let you off for lack of witticisms.

**Exploding Snap**: Oy. Good luck for the report cards. Very glad I don't have to get school reports any more. Ah, now if I revealed any plot twists, I'd be cheating, wouldn't I? Ares's appearance…read on.

**No need to know**: Personally, I'd have recommended a high-density shield for Bremos when Nike's PMS-ing. And of course Hades isn't helping. Fatherhood is something you kinda learn from your own father, and let's face it; Cronus's parenting skills weren't exactly in abundance. But even Hades knows better than to try it on with Seph when she's pregnant and moody.

Look what happened to Uranus.

**Silverrain**: I must say, I'm getting really really tempted to give Cerberus his own proper pup to raise, but then again, he'll already have the bump to look after once it's born! I do believe your motives for borrowing Bremos would not be the most virtuous…

* * *

Hades: _What_ is the obsession with the brat anyway? The kid's rude, obnoxious, ungrateful, annoying…

Melora: Just like his dad, then.

Hades: Point being, I have the same qualities as the brat and I don't get half this amount of immoral attention.

Melora: We women as a whole believe that Bremos is ripe for corrupting. You've already been corrupted.

Hades: Jeeez, that sounds almost logical…Time to increase the medication.

* * *

Disclaimer: I hate these things. Seph, Bremos, the bump, Agony, Torment, Hyllus, Asclepius, Proteus, Telemachus, Nike, Voluptas, Rhea, the lions, Thanatos and Sisyphus…all mine. Everything else…all Disney's.

/.../ denotes thoughts

* * *

**I Won't Say It: Part 41 **

* * *

This was bad.  
This was very, very bad.  
This was officially even worse than the Sphinx incident. And that had been _bad_.

Well, bad for the Sphinx, anyway.

Telemachus conveniently happened to be the son of Odysseus, king of Ithaca. Odysseus and Telemachus were both amazingly sneaky conniving bastards, and Bremos accepted that quite comfortably.

Hell, he _encouraged_ at least half the detentions on Tel's report card.

But Sisyphus…eeesh.

The god of the undead neatly appeared outside the palace of the Underworld in a rush of black flames. If half of what Athena had told him wasn't just something made up to irritate the hell out of Ares; Thanatos, to put it bluntly, was buggered.

Solution?

Tell Dad.

If only to point out that errors had been made and ensure that others would be blamed.

Unfortunately, knowing how his father's mind worked, Hades was most likely on Olympus trying to avoid one of his beloved wife's mood swings.

Still, it didn't hurt to look.

Or listen to the godly equivalent of the sonic boom going off inside the throne-room.

'**How in the name of _Zeus_ am I supposed to inflict fear, terror and the wonders of war on Greece when no-one's able to _die_!?**'

There were only three immortals he knew who could bellow like that. And since Rhea was back in Crete and his mom wasn't due yet, that left the third choice…a certain resident deity of war, bloodshed, general mayhem and the possessor of a head balder than a badger's arse.

'**I'm supposed to win the Aegean conflict with a body of men that are now fine _bodies_ of men?! Do you KNOW how much Athena's gonna gloat over this!?**'

Yep, that was Ares alright.

Wait wait wait wait…no-one _dying_?

Thanatos missing.  
Sisyphus on the run.  
Ares more than slightly peeved.  
Nike really _really_ peeved.  
No-one dying.

/Oh, _shite_./

* * *

Not for the first time, Bremos was desperately grateful for being immortal. Ares was known to catapult bearers of bad news.

To be strictly accurate, he catapulted bearers of good news as well. It was one of his slightly more revolting hobbies.

Apart from the thing with Aphrodite. Sick, twisted and completely wrong in so many ways.

However…

The Prince of the Underworld smirked. Some good could come out of this. Torturing a god who had a paranoid fear of anything smarter than himself…

Time to lay on the charm.

And the IQ.

* * *

If anything, seeing Ares rant himself into a wheezing armour-plated wreck provided a decent distraction from the current soul problem.

Then again, seeing any of Zeus's offspring hit rock bottom and start to dig always got big laughs.

'For the tenth time in as many minutes babe; don't know, wasn't here, someone else's problem.'

'No-one dying. Underworld problem. _Your_ problem. You. Fix. NOW!!'

Ares shot him the patented Glare O' Death - the look known to make enemies desperate to run, minions desperate to obey and Aphrodite…well, just desperate.

Hades shuddered. /Vivid and unwanted mental images now abounding…eeeesh./

'Question; are you done?'

'NO!! And if you don't get out there and start killing these schmucks NOW, then…'

The Lord of the Dead could feel a migraine coming on. 'At this point, I'd ask you to count to ten and calm down, but since you and I both know that's six more than your personal best…'

Ares seethed. To say he despised Hades gave a new definition to the word 'understatement.' /The guy skulks around under the Earth for Zeus knows how many years, releases the Titans, tries to overthrow Olympus and what happens? Gets an egghead of a wife who doesn't know when to just shut up, then that _son_ of his…if the flame top wasn't such a soft touch and had properly raised the kid, he might've turned out alright…/

Said son of said soft touch god chose that moment to slide into the throne-room, wearing a wide serpentine smirk he had copied perfectly from Hades.

'Ares, love-child, visualised world piece, yeah!'

Ares's legendarily short temper flared. 'What!?'

Fully aware of the irony of the oncoming gesture, Bremos raised his hands in a vague show of peace.

Very vague.

'Just kidding. So what's with the visit under Earth? War not going well? Kill anyone lately? How's the front - I mean, Sparta?'

Wrong question. The Prince of the Underworld found himself in the stance known to many unfortunate beings before him as the 'strangulation' stance. Ares's hands were now tightening just a _little_ too tightly round his neck for comfort.

'Do **not** start with me, kid. You will **not** win.'

The Lord of the Dead snarled, his hair flickering a rather vicious shade of orange. Annoying Ares was generally encouraged as a means of refining sarcasm, but when said god was deeply, deeply pissed off and ready to smite…

Plus there was the little matter of _no-one_ being allowed to lay so much as one godly digit on his son.

Not even a peeved son of Zeus.

A fireball neatly appeared in Hades's hand and flickered slightly as he aimed it right at a very wide target. 'Hands off the brat and you don't get a flame across the hiney.'

/Strangle the obnoxious little flame-topped brat of overconfident flame-topped god or spend the next two weeks scrubbing burn marks off the new armour…/

The god of war reluctantly let Bremos drop to the floor.

Even with the threat of Ares's temper going thermonuclear with one wrong word, the god of the undead delicately straightened his robes and turned a minor glare on the portly red god. 'And now that the obligatory 'threaten the son of Hades' bit's over, can I just make a weensy suggestion?'

Ares returned the glare in kind. 'My suggestion to _you_ is to shut up while the grown-ups are talking.'

Pay-dirt time. 'Keep that up and I won't tell you where you can find the god of death.'

Hades raised an approving eyebrow at his son. The kid was learning fast.

The god of war looked utterly confused. For Ares, this was a fairly normal state of affairs. 'We have a god of death?'

Bremos resisted the urge to hit something. 'Oddly enough, yes. What…you thought _Dad_ was the god of death?'

'He rules them doesn't he!?'

The Lord of the Dead sighed. 'God of _the_ dead, babe. Different gig. God of _death_; Thanatos. Son of Nyx, black wings, carries a scythe, kinda nervous-looking…ringin' any bells?'

'The wimp dating Nemesis?'

Bremos nodded. 'Currently to be found somewhere in Corinth. Recommendations? Try the palace.'

'Why should I trust you?' Ah, that was better. The old paranoid Ares was back.

'Hey, I gloss over the truth a tad, but I don't do straight lying.'

/Not much, anyway./

Right now, desperation overruled the memory of a small incident a few years ago involving his chariot, a vengeful Athena, a willing Bremos and a batch of sulphuric acid. Giving the young god a low level death glare, Ares neatly vanished inside a mass of red cloud.

Hades slouched back into his throne and groaned.

'If he had another brain cell, it'd be lonely.'

His son shrugged. 'On the plus side, this place stops being…well, dead. Provided what Telemachus told me was right.'

'Should I ask?'

'Probably. Thanatos was pulled off his normal duties by Zeus to hunt down this guy Sisyphus.'

'Sisy…the shmuck who told Po-po Zeus kidnapped his granddaughter? Oh great. Two gods howling at me for a dose of eternal torment.'

'It gets worse. Sisyphus is Odysseus's father…Telemachus's grandfather.' Bremos prepared to duck as his father's hair and skin started turning a dangerous shade of orange.

/Mental and verbal explosion imminent…/

* * *

Any such explosion thankfully got interrupted as the clouds of war appeared in the middle of the throne room. Ares now looked a tad more cheerful as he held a deeply sheepish-looking Thanatos aloft by the collar. The expression darkened as he glared again at Bremos.

'Don't think this lets you off for the chariot incident.'

'Hey, that was Athena's idea, not mine. She just thought your chariot would look a lot better with half a gallon of acid poured over it.'

Hades opted to skip the social commentary for once and indulge his temper instead. His left eyebrow started to twitch as he glared at the winged god.

'Thanatos, babe? Start making the explanation you're about to give _phenomenally_ good.'

'Umm…' The god of death twiddled his thumbs for a moment.

'…I thought it was honest interest?'

'He was chained up with this thing on his wrists.' Ares held a linked piece of metal up in the air.

Bremos smirked. 'Handcuffs? _Damn_. Nemesis is kinkier than I gave her credit for.'

'It wasn't Nemesis.'

Thanatos stared at the floor. 'It was Sisyphus. He asked me how they worked, I showed him, he tried them on me, hence the lack of deathly presence the last couple of months.'

'The lack of death was more important!!' Ares was not to be outdone in the annoyance stakes.

'Yeah? Well you try going after that guy and see how you cope!!'

'Alright, I WILL!!' The god of death landed unceremoniously on the marbled floor of the throne-room as Ares vanished.

Hades's left eye was still twitching as he slumped on his throne.

'Handcuffs. A pair of handcuffs…'

Picking Thanatos off the floor, Bremos spared a glance at his father. 'Dad, chill. Only one of my parents is meant to have high blood pressure at the moment.'

'Handcuffs…'

'I'll…I'll just go now…is that ok?' The winged god made for the window, slinging his scythe over his back.

'_Handcuffs_…'

'Oh _sure_, _thanks_, leave _me_ to deal with him.' The god of the undead gazed around the room for something to hide under once his father exploded.

Thanatos's disembodied voice echoed across the room. 'I have a job to do. And a certain king of Corinth to wreak vengeance on. Talking of which…'

Bremos dived under the chessboard and jammed his fingers in his ears. /Nonononononooooooo…/

'Do I get paid for hours incarcerated?'

Conveniently enough, the god of death was well across the borders of the Styx before he heard the throne-room explode.

* * *

'…So then Ares turned up with Thanatos and a pair of handcuffs, said he'd found him like that and then charged off to find Sisyphus.' The Prince of the Underworld cracked his knuckles and reclined on one of the cloud couches.

Being near Hades whenever his temper flared up was a practice endorsed only by the deeply suicidal.  
Being near Hades whenever his temper exploded was just stupid.

In these circumstances, the only thing Bremos could do was retreat to Olympus. Given his father in a mood or his mother comfort eating and going gooey over baby clothes, he'd take the second option any day.

Plus it was only fair that his mom got refreshed on what was happening in the Underworld. It might get her mind off the pregnancy.

If it didn't, his father was coming up in a few minutes, so there was nothing too desperate to worry about.

'Least it was good seeing the souls again. Kinda weird without them.'

Persephone was utterly silent. Something that Bremos wasn't used to under any circumstances.

He looked up semi-curiously at his mother, intrigued as to the silence.

Mild curiosity was instantly replaced by utter terror as he took in the goddess's expression. His mother was staring at her hands resting on her stomach, her lower lip trembling and her eyes rapidly filling up with tears.

'Mom?…You ok?'

The tears started leaking out. 'You haven't seen…any…_souls_ for two months…and _you_ think _that's_ important? You think I really give a _damn_ about a few measly complaining _spirits_ right now?'

* * *

A sudden rare burst of male intuition informed Bremos that no matter what he said now, it was inevitably going to be the wrong thing.

He ignored it.

* * *

'I…though it might…y'know…take your mind off the kid…'

Persephone's lower lip wobbled dangerously before she completely dissolved into a full-blown crying fit.

_'I…f-feel f-fat…and…horrible…I …haven't…h-had…a…good…night's…sleep…for…a…m-month…I…I wanna go…b-back…t-to the Underworld…and-and…I…h-haven't…seen…my…f-feet…in…two…months!!_''

Bremos held back a squeak of horror. He did anger, paranoia, slick intelligence, sexual magnetism and terminal charisma. He did not do crying hormonal mothers.

His dad might, but he himself was a strictly non-emotional being.

Unless hunger counted as an emotion.

* * *

'Do I want to know what you said to her?'

Bremos could have willing hugged his father for turning up at that moment. As such, he settled for a look of confusion with a hint of underlying fear.

'I just told her what happened and she started in with the waterworks. And is this gonna turn into a tender moment?'

Hades ignored his son's last comment and quickly gathered his wife into his arms, holding her until her tears had slowed down and his kitan was distinctly soggier than when he had dressed that morning.

'Seph?'

The goddess of rebirth sniffled and wiped a hand half-heartedly over her face. Damn hormones. Lousy stomach.

'Babe?'

'_I…f-feel…fat…_'

Crying fit part two loudly commenced as she buried her face in Hades's chest. Bremos attempted not to look too obviously revolted.

'Tell me when this is over. Right now, I think the touching affection stuff's just making me sick.'

Persephone raised her head as she heard her son's last words.

'_I'm not being…s-sick…any more…I just f-feel…faaaaaaaaaaat!!_''

* * *

**2 months later… **

How Tethys had coped when she was pregnant with the Oceanids, Persephone had no idea. Three thousand pairs of identical socks and togas…she was having enough problems with one pair alone.

'…Knit one, pearl one…knit one…bugger it…knit one again, pearl one…jeeeeeez…'

It didn't exactly help that she was feeling bored, lonely, uncomfortable, moody, hungry and growing ever more certain with each kick from her offspring that she was going to give birth to something with at least six limbs.

The only bright side was, at least she was back in the Underworld.

Her knitting got shoved down the side of her throne as she leaned back and sulked. As soon as Hades got back, he was giving her a foot rub no matter how much he complained about it.

The Lord of the Dead was more than a little nervous of his wife when she was brandishing a pair of knitting needles. It wasn't what she created that made him edgy, but the threat of getting a needle rammed through his ears with the next mood swing was more than enough to make him give his wife a little breathing space.

Bremos had apparently had the same idea. After deciding it was in his best interests to stay out of his mother's way, he had retreated to Olympus armed with an empty pig's bladder, a box of Thracian chocolates and a roll of gauze.

How exactly this was supposed to get Nike talking to him again, she had no idea.

Her train of thought was thankfully interrupted by Pain and Torment scampering into the throne-room. The imps had been on decorating duty for the past few days since she had returned from Olympus, and for once they didn't appear to be screwing up too badly.

The soul trailing in behind them however…he had a weirder look to him than the rest of the general Underworld populace. Sort of…scheming…

'We got a special case, Your Most Irritableness-ness. Says he wanted to speak to you and the boss ASAP.'

Seph raised an eyebrow at this. Given her current condition and Hades's dislike of the souls in general, judging the fates of the dead had gone over to the three judges, Minos, Rhadymanthus and Aeacus. For three fairly long-dead sons of Zeus, they were pretty good at their jobs.

It seemed as if this was an occasion where someone had flubbed up.

'Wonderful. The judges can't make a decision.' The goddess of rebirth winced as the bump decided to point out it was still around.

'So who's the soul and why should I care?'

The soul stepped forward and gave the goddess a calculating smile. 'My name is Sisyphus, most gracious Lady Persephone, and there appears to have been some terrible mistake.'

Sisyphus…the name sounded familiar. Buggered if she remembered where from, but his voice was setting her teeth on edge. 'Mistake how?'

'By rights, oh most forgiving Queen of Hades, I should not be here. In fact I shouldn't even be dead.'

Even the imps looked confused at this. Persephone settled for looking irritated and perplexed.

'Care to run that by me again?'

'I should not be dead, Lady of the Shades. My wife, insubordinate woman that she is, refused to bury my body, give me a funeral feast…'

The goddess of rebirth zoned out for a moment. Bloody men. A bit of charm and they thought they were irresistible. And this guy trying it on when all she wanted to do was finish her knitting, have something to eat, possibly torture the imps and have a nice therapeutic cry.

'…refused to make any sacrifices to you and your most august king, did not give me the right money to travel across the Styx…'

Actually, she had a feeling that the therapeutic cry would be appearing earlier than planned.

Mood swings. Having really sore feet and not being able to see them…her back now really bloody hurt…feeling like she was going to be pregnant forever…

Her lip started wobbling, despite all efforts to make it stop.

'…so by rights I should not even be here if my wife has done me such a great wrong…'

Her eyes started filling up with tears. That was it. She wasn't going to cry around some idiot who couldn't even get his own funeral right.

'…If I was given three days perhaps, then I could punish my wife for showing you such a lack of respect and make the proper arrangements for -'

Sisyphus didn't get the chance to finish before Persephone's tears started falling.

'_I'm…tired, I'm bored…I'm lonely, I'm hungry, my back hurts like hell, I f-feel like I'm gonna be p-permanently pregnant…so why the hell should I give a damn!? Just piss off and leave me ALONE!!'_'

The former king of Corinth looked more than slightly nervous. This wasn't exactly how he'd planned to be released to go back to Earth. But then again…

'Do you give me three-?'

'_YES!! Just…b-bugger off and leave me alone!!_''

The soul of Sisyphus gratefully followed the two imps out of the throne-room while the goddess of rebirth continued to sob and berate herself for lack of professionalism. Though quite frankly, professionalism could go and get knotted. She was pregnant and moody and…

/Oh…_buggeration_ with a cherry on top./

_Sisyphus. _

She remembered that name _now_. A mortal who had managed to lock up the god of death and prevent himself from dying. And she'd effectively given him a Frequent Die-er pass.

Hades was going to go spare.

* * *

Even for a god, Hades was up remarkably early.

Sort of.

Well, he was conscious anyway.

Even if he was still in bed with a foul mood and an exhausted wife to keep him company.

Plotting the ultimate torment for someone who had not only betrayed Thunderbolts 'R' Us, but had insulted Po-po, offended the Lord of the Dead _and_ had badgered a very temperamental Seph into letting him go free and wreak havoc…

That took time and a very overactive imagination.

Two commodities that Hades currently had plenty of.

Attached to revolving flaming wheel for eternity? Nah. Already gone to Ixion.

Nailed across Tartarus with eagles pecking out his liver every full moon? Too passé. And Tityus already took up a full nine acres.

Being chained up and all food and water placed _just_ out of reach? Possible.

Rolling a boulder up a hill for eternity? …Hello.

The sounds of his wife waking up neatly distracted him from his plotting. 'Have you ever heard of an internal monologue?'

'I prefer out and out scheming. It worked in the past.'

Persephone sighed and slowly swung her legs out of bed. 'The Sisyphus thing, I take it.'

'Y'know, I almost pity the poor yutz. Almost.'

'Having all three sons of Cronus getting pissed at you and plotting a horrific, torturous afterlife especially in your honour…yep, almost pity him.'

Hands resting over her stomach, the goddess of rebirth sat on the edge of the bed and gazed out of the window over the Styx.

After yesterday's little incident, she felt about fifty kinds of stupid. Not to mention guilty. And angry. One random mood swing had caused all this trouble. Frankly, she was amazed that Hades was actually speaking to her.

* * *

If a person's body could say 'guilty, guilty, and did I mention guilty,' Seph would be cornering the market in self-inflicted torment. That alone was enough to make Hades have a guilty spasm of his own.

He shuffled across the bed to sit behind his wife, and pulled her backwards into an embrace.

'Once Thanatos gets hold of him, the little shmuck won't know what hit him. He's the one who gets the personal torture treatment, not you babe.'

No reaction, apart from a smile and a slight sniffle.

'Babe? Problem?'

Seph's smile grew a little wider. 'How do you keep putting up with me?'

'Earplugs and years of practice.'

'Charming. Seriously…why haven't you gone nuts from putting up with me?'

'Because…' The blue and grey god leaned back against the pillows, cradling Persephone in his arms. 'Strangely enough, I love you. Thought that was kinda obvious from the whole abduction thing and oh, nearly twenty years together?'

'A girl likes to get reassured of these things.'

Hades smirked. 'Try this for reassurance.'

'What?'

'This.' Both deities' thought processes were very happily interrupted as they kissed, Hades trying to avoid crushing the bump by accident. He knew that Seph didn't do the paranoid thing too often, but when she did, she needed some sort of reassurance.

There weren't exactly any complaints from the other half, either.

The two of them eventually broke apart, Seph resting herself against Hades's chest and sighed as she felt him kiss her forehead.

'Hades?'

'Hmmm?'

'…Love you.'

'Feeling's more than mutual, babe.'

A very comfortable silence descended on the two deities for a while as they stared out over the Styx.

'You mean it?'

'Swore by the Styx, didn't I?'

'Can't fault that.'

He kissed her forehead again and pulled her closer to him.

/Hmmm…squashy comfort zone./

'Hades?'

'Babe?'

'Is this a good time to say I think my waters just broke?'

* * *

TBC

A/N 2: I'm evil, aren't I?

* * *

Hades: Fifteen pages. Isn't that self-indulgent even for you?

Melora: Do you want to be a father in the next part or not?

Hades: Still nailing me with the empty threats. Glad that hasn't changed.

Melora: You just really want to be a daddy again, huh?

Hades: Mostly. Now shut up and go write the next part.


	42. Chapter 42: First act of fatherhood: fai...

A/N: I think we all know what's about to happen now…Enjoy!!

* * *

**Bertiebottsgeorge**: You were reading this for an hour? Have I succeeded in warping your fragile mind?

**Bloodyvixen**: Persephone's a more Amazonian-type goddess? Hmmm, didn't think she was that alternative when I wrote her character, but glad you approve of her!

**Worldtraveler**: The myth went that Zeus had kidnapped one of Poseidon's granddaughters and Sisyphus earned Zeus's vengeance by telling Po-po what had happened. Bit difficult to follow at times!

**Doinkchan**: Cliffhangers reviews! And the bump is finally being born, so don't start panicking! I despise Mary Sues; that's why I tried to make Seph her own person.

**Lirenel**: Well, no chance of me ending this fic any time soon!

**Wanderer**: I have a cunning plan re. Thanatos, and I agree, Sisyphus is a nasty, sell-out, slick moron. The demons are evil, but let's face it; any child of Hades can hold their own against a demon.

**YunCyn**: Don't have to wait any longer! And thank you for helping me reach 300 reviews!

**Nasketch**: One of my longer chapters, Part 41. And I know I'm evil: all my friends and my own mother tell me I'm evil on a regular basis. I don't think anyone will be disappointed with the bump, and one site I very much recommend is theoi. com. It's got really detailed stuff on all the Greek and Roman mythology - I use it myself for part of my own research.

**Kali**: Another Hades lady…the Internet needs more of us! Your parents told you about the myths as well? My mom's an archaeologist/historian, so I heard about a lot of the myths when I was a kid. Pregnancy ain't fun, as my mother well informs me. Bremos's childhood will be referred to in later chapters - have one escapade already planned. And the bump situation…Clever girl! Sadly my mom has a prior claim on Cerberus, but I have a little plot in mind for our favourite three-headed dog.

**Aura Starfire**: Hades hates it when I make him do cute, but hell, it gets reviews! Piccolo…I'm guessing you're a DBZ fan? Think Hades would probably get on well with Piccolo - he puts up with Cell, Vegeta and Frieza on a daily basis.

**VMorticia**: Yay for men-fights a la Bridget Jones!

**Exploding Snap**: At least you survived the evil report cards. I've seen you on MSN quite a few times - I'm the one with the _really_ stupid screen-names.

**Seyi**: Next part written!

**Dr. Thinker**: Thank you! And hopefully everyone will love the bump once it's born!

**No need to know**: I like cliffhangers. They encourage reviews.

**The Iron Duke**:

- I _know_ Disney screwed with the myths and made Zeus the eldest, and yes I _know_ he's the youngest in the myths. I use the Disney basis here because kids read this and they're gonna be more familiar with the Disney specs than the original myths.

- It sounded like 'Get Offa My Cloud' in the movie. It just fitted Hades's style of speech better.

- I own the _characters_ I've created for the gods and goddesses that Disney never touched, such as Nike and Rhea.

- Ouranus is the _Greek_ spelling; I use the _Latin_ spelling simply because it's more common. One point; Uranus was a god, as in immortal, as in cannot be killed? Frankly getting your bits cut off (as per the original myths) seems like a far better deal than 'dying'. (And that was the kiddies' version?)

- I know Greek mythology's public. I've borrowed the Hercules (or Heracles, if we're gonna be picky about this) _characters_ Disney created for the gods such as Hades. Clear?

- Do you really think parents will want young kids to read a Disney fic which says that Zeus raped his mother; married his sister, Hera; slept with another sister, Demeter; and that Persephone married her uncle and had a kid by her own father? I generally try to cut out the references to sodomy, rape, bestiality, necrophilia and incest because of this.

- Poseidon had affairs, but he was only married to Amphitrite. Zeus was married twice, and in my opinion was a worse womaniser than Poseidon purely because he didn't really give a damn about most of the women and children afterwards. Poseidon was desperately protective of his wife, all his mistresses and all his children, legitimate or otherwise.

Sorry if I offend, but I do not like being told that I don't do my research.

**Silverrain**: Keep reading and the mystery of the bump will shortly be revealed. Cliffhangers reviews! Dear God, Bremos is preferable to a real guy? Hmmm. And yep, he's 16 going on 17 going on 5.

**Mom**: Needless to say, Cerberus _will_ turn up in this chapter. Rhea's turning up for the birth and that means…the kitties are back. Ok, so I caused you all manner of internal suffering when you were pregnant, but you love me, right? Ares is a bugger to write, but I think he turned out well. And yep, Sisyphus is an utter creep.

**Rainne**: I try to update as often as I can, but since I'm actually living in the real world now, I do have to earn some money. There probably won't be another update for a while since I have work, but be patient till then! And is evil.

**SuperNova**: Ares is a complete ditz, both in the cartoons and in the myths. I keep track of all the comment with the review pages - I keep 'em open when I'm replying to everyone. Only polite!

* * *

Hades: After Saturday night, I think it's safe to say you've officially cornered the market in psychological torture.

Melora: How is watching 'Pride and Prejudice' psychological torture?

Hades: There's a difference between 'watching' and 'rewinding the DVD sixteen times just to see the guy jump in the lake.'

Melora: Hey, Jane Austin would've approved.

Hades: Uh-huh. What's so great about seeing some guy in a wet shirt anyway?

* * *

Disclaimer: I own Seph, Bremos, Agony, Torment, the bump, Nike, Voluptas, Hyllus, Proteus, Asclepius, Telemachus, Thanatos, Sisyphus, Rhea, the lions, and since I forgot her in Part 21, Illithysia. Anything else, all Disney's, so no suing of the author.

/.../ denotes thoughts

/_italics_/ denotes canine communication. The kitties are back!

* * *

**I Won't Say It: Part 42 **

* * *

'Owwww…'

Persephone rolled her eyes and winced as another contraction hit. 'Hey, I'm the one giving birth here, not you. Quit complaining.'

'I just liked my hand the shape it was.'

The Lord of the Dead was nursing a couple of fairly bruised digits and sulking half-heartedly.

'I liked my _stomach_ the shape it was. We don't always get what we want.'

Hades opted to ignore the sudden little burst of male intuition. 'Yeah, well, _you'll_ get your stomach back…eventually.'

A pregnancy-fuelled Glare O' Death was immediately aimed in his direction. 'If I wasn't in the middle of a contraction, I'd strangle you.'

'Is that an offer?'

'…You…_wish_…owowowowowowowowwwwwwOWWW!!'

* * *

Ironically, Hades's wish was fulfilled at that particular moment.

Just not exactly the way he had wanted it.

* * *

'_…Babe…can'tbreathecan'tbreathecan'tbreathe…_'

'Shut _uuuuuuuuuuuuuuup!!_ I never ever ever _EVER_ wanna do this ever _agaaaaaaaain…_'

After his wife's waters had broken over both the bed and his robes, Hades had taken a few minutes to have a small hysterical fit and scream for the imps. At that point, the goddess of rebirth had recalled what exactly she hated about natural childbirth as soon as the contractions started, and made a grab for her husband's hand.

A high, surprisingly feminine scream had echoed around the darkness of the Underworld.

Hades still looked fairly embarrassed.

* * *

'But it's really really important!' Panic started copying the patented Puppy-Dog Eyes he had learned from the mutt and his currently youngest master.

It didn't help.

Hermes twirled his winged staff in his hands and grinned apologetically. 'Sorry guys, the 'no minion' policy's absolute.'

With some difficulty, Pain hovered in the air in front of the blue god and tried not to have a coronary. 'But Her Most Maliciousness-ness's about to pop the pup!! Demeter, Artemis and Illithysia said they'd help, and the younger Flamefulness needs to know what's goin' on!!'

The messenger god's eyes widened. 'Babe, you could've said that first!!'

Hermes neatly took off in a blur of speed.

The imps sighed in relief. Not coming back with someone or something was bad enough when it was just Hades.

Not coming back with three midwives and Bremos when the Queen of the Underworld was threatening her husband with some fairly…interesting language…eeesh.

At least Agony and Torment couldn't be doing any worse.

* * *

There were few situations that were worse than this.

The bottom of the Phlegethon on clean-up duty.  
Tartarus administration during the rainy season.  
Feeding time at the Pit of Cronus.  
Hades in a really really _really _bad mood.

All of them would have been preferable to this. Listening to the god of time's insane rantings sounded like a two-week vacation in the Elysian Fields, all expenses paid.

The black and red imps looked at each other and whimpered.

Why them? Why now?

Why the cats and the _dog_?

* * *

Cerberus was not in a good mood.  
Cerberus was not in a good mood at all.

He had woken up early today and he had smelled something…different. Not a _bad_ different, a _good_ different. But where he had smelt it before, he wasn't quite sure. All he remembered was that the last time he had smelled it, something very good had happened…

And before he could even start trying to remember what that smell meant and where he'd smelled it before…

He growled and glared at the two lions with the strongest glare all three heads could muster at once.

The kitties were back.

He knew they'd be back!!

Those kitties were tricksey kitties. But he wasn't going to be scared of them!!

* * *

Panthera and Leo elegantly settled down on a pile of boulders a few feet away from the overgrown…thing…that was somehow meant to guard the Underworld. Six months clearly hadn't seen an increase in canine intelligence.

The lioness flicked her tail over her paws and stared at Cerberus. 'What?'

Cerberus growled. /_What are you **kitties** doing here?_/

Panthera sighed. The communal brain-cell was clearly out on repair. 'We're here with the Great Mother. She's here to help Persephone through her labour.'

The three-headed dog's brows scrunched up in concentration. /_The pretty lady's back again?_/

Leo rolled his eyes. 'Yes.'

/_Oh…what's 'labour'?_/

The lion groaned. 'Persephone's giving birth. Surely you must have smelt it by now.'

Cerberus's six eyes widened. Of course!! _That_ was where he'd smelt it before!! When master Bremos was born!! That had been a very _very_ good thing!!

Something, though…something smelled different about this pup. It did smell familiar, but at the same time, it smelled different.

But that was silly!! How could something smell both same and different at the same time?

Unless…

Could _that_ be why it smelled different?

And did the kitties know? Kitties were very tricksey, but they _might_ be able to help him out. They might know why the pup smelled so odd…

One head tilted in concentration. /_But…how come it smells…different than when master Bremos was born?_/

Panthera exchanged a knowing glance with her mate and smirked. 'Oh, _believe_ me, you'll find out…'

* * *

Rhea shoved a curly blond-brown strand of hair out of her eyes and smiled sympathetically at her daughter-in-law. Persephone had just entered into what was affectionately known in pre-natal circles as the 'get-the-damn-thing-_outta_-me' stage, gripping onto her mother's and Hades's hands at nearly any given moment. Artemis and Illithysia were busy trying to prepare blankets and hot water while trying to prevent the goddess from trying to push before anything happened.

Then again, she had every right to be uncomfortable. Although she hadn't gone through the exact same process Seph was about to go through, a second pregnancy and birth generally wasn't much more fun than the first one.

'…I am never having kids ever ever _EVER AGAIN_!!'

Demeter stroked her daughter's sweat-soaked hair back from her face and squeezed her hand. 'Sephy sweetie, giving birth and producing children is part of the sacred cycle of the earth and moon.'

'I don't _care_ if having kids is a part of the sacred cycle of the earth and moon _Mother_, you can take your bloody sacred cycle and ride it off the nearest CLIFF!!'

* * *

On the plus side, at least it was an informative morning.

Sort of.

Eeeeesh.

At least it all seemed to be happening a lot faster this time. Not that Hades was an expert in pregnancy and birth. The most he remembered about Bremos's birth was Seph yelling for his blood and his son flopping out and screaming blue murder.

Bremos had _definitely_ earned his name at that point. /To roar and inspire terror. No kidding./

The Lord of the Dead's almost sentimental train of thought was spectacularly derailed as soon as his delicate, loving, sensitive wife crushed his hand in a death grip strong enough to be registered as a new Tartarian torture implement.

_'Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!! _Seph, I _need_ my hand back at some point babe. _Preferably_ intact!!'

The goddess of rebirth didn't bother letting go of her husband's hand.

'Oh, _shove it __up your_...'

Or dignifying the comment with an even _vaguely_ repeatable retort.

Sensing he wasn't about to get anything vaguely translatable as speech out of his wife, Hades tried not to whimper and looked over to his mother for emotional support.

'How long do I have to do this for?'

All five women instantly glared at him. Demeter's expression alone could have frozen the Phlegethon.

'As. Long. As. It. Takes.'

Hades made a small untranslatable squeak.

And Prometheus thought _he'd_ had it bad.

* * *

When Nike was being stroppy, the best policy was to approach with both caution and something with chocolate in it.

The pig's bladder under Zeus's throne cushion was the emergency backup measure if food didn't work.

The gauze…Awww, work it out.

/And the grand summary of my lousy existence to date. 384 assorted detentions; four best friends, all of whom happen to be family; number of girlfriends, current and otherwise…extremely uncertain number; physical bruises… too many to count; emotional bruises…Nike; moody and otherwise irritable parents…two; roll of gauze…decimated; pig's bladder…squashed; chocolates…eaten./

'Huh.'

Bremos conjured up a small fireball to trim off the length of gauze he had used to wrap round his hand.

Bloody women.

He hadn't been in the mood to deal with Pain and Panic when they somehow shown up on Olympus. Apparating to the banks of the Styx, having a therapeutic sulk and annoying the dog seemed like the best cure for his current state of mind.

* * *

Cerberus sniffed the air, just to make sure he'd gotten the scent right. Master Bremos was back!!

But something smelled…annoyed…about him.

Maybe his friends hadn't wanted to play with him. Or maybe the pretty feathery-winged person was still being nasty to him.

But he had to know about the pup!! He was going to have a little puppy brother or sister!!

'Awwrooooaaawwrff!!'

'Hey, kid.'

'How ya doing?'

'Good boy. Panthera, Leo.' Bremos slouched into the palace with barely a nod at his oversized pet.

The two lions looked at each other and sighed. Panthera neatly stretched and sharpened her claws on the brimstone.

'3…2…1…'

The Prince of the Underworld appeared at the palace doors looking amazingly confused. 'Panthera and Leo?'

Leo's head hit the ground. There was an almost canine mentality to Bremos's thought processes.

* * *

At least it was a distraction from the Nike problem. Rhea was pretty good about giving advice without laughing at him. If he could find her, that was…

Bremos mooched through the corridors to the palace bedrooms, picking up speed as he heard his mother's voice.

'…_I'm pushing and I don't care what you say, I'm having this baby right NOW!!_'

The god's eyes widened in sheer adolescent horror at the words 'push' and 'baby'.

No way.  
No bloody way.  
Not now.  
PLEASE not now.

Only one thing for it…

'Dad? What's happening?'

His father's head appeared round the door looking distinctly nauseous. 'Seph. Bump. Pushing. Now.'

/Mom…bump…pushing…oh holy _Hera_./

Bremos's face scrunched up in utter revulsion as he made a fast exit from the palace, gibbering madly.

_'Too much information, too much information…WAY too much information, DAD!!'_

* * *

Panthera, Leo and Cerberus all heard the howls of disgust even before the young god had streaked outside to the banks of the Styx.

Right now, Lord Bremos, the dreaded son of Hades and Persephone, the god of the undead, the ruler of the Asphodel Fields and Crown Prince of the Underworld was curled up in a foetal position behind Cerberus's favourite rock, his right arm wrapped round the giant guard-dog's front leg and trying to suck his thumb.

'Too much information…therapy bills even Dad won't be able to pay…_sick_…too much _gross_ information…'

Cerberus affectionately licked his currently youngest master's hand. He wasn't exactly sure why Bremos was looking so upset about the pup being born.

_He_ thought it was _wonderful_!!

His ears suddenly pricked up at the sound of Seph yelling. The funny noises had been happening a lot now…maybe _that_ was what the kitties called 'labour'. Maybe master Seph would scream a lot at master Hades and then she would have her pup.

He hoped it was soon. Although Seph didn't smell like she was in danger, he still didn't like hearing her make all those noises.

They sounded like they hurt.

* * *

The goddess of the hunt and the moon quickly readied a towel for Illithysia to catch the baby once it emerged. At least with a second pregnancy, events were slightly more predictable.

Faster for one.

For this pregnancy…well. Only time and Seph's strength would tell.

The goddess of childbirth managed a slightly embarrassed look at her patient as she kneeled on the bed. 'Ok, so I made a little mistake; you _are_ ready to push.'

Persephone didn't have enough spare concentration to form a glare. 'I…bloody…well…told…you…so…'

'What she said.' Hades was still massaging some life back into his hand. 'This kid ain't so much gonna be born as fielded.'

Rhea raised an eyebrow. 'We'll bear that in mind.' Her gaze went back to the goddess of rebirth, gripping onto her mother and her mother-in-law's hands. 'Seph hun, you know what to do.'

'Yeah…owwwwOWWOWWWWWWWWWYAAAAAAAH!!'

'Keep going, just keep pushing…'

Artemis was keeping an eye on the business end just to be on the safe side. She and Illithysia both knew of what Rhea thought she had sensed inside Persephone's womb. It didn't hurt to be cautious.

'YeeeeeeeeaaaaaarrrrrrrgggghhhhhhhHHHHHHHHHHH!!'

'Just keep goin' babe, keep goin…' Hades took over from his mother as Seph gripped his hand. For only the second time in his life, he completely ignored the feeling of his hand getting shoved in something resembling a vice.

'Tell me this is gonna be shorter than the last oneyyyaaaaaaAAAAHHHHHH!!'

Illithysia's, Artemis's and Rhea's faces simultaneously lit up as they worked as a team, Artemis supporting the baby's head, Rhea resting a hand over Persephone's stomach in an attempt to relieve the pressure of the contractions while Illithysia gathered together some blankets and some small lengths of string.

'Just one more big push sweetheart.' Demeter had read the goddesses' faces perfectly. Grandchild Number Two was about to arrive.

One big push came and went.

'WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!'

* * *

'…WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!'

Even Bremos looked up at the sound of the scream, all disgust forgotten.

'Mom…'

He let go of Cerberus's leg and took off with a 0-60 start that would have made the Pro. Ac gym teacher Mr. PhysEdipus proud.

Or at least deeply shocked.

The lions looked at each other and shared a grin. Baby Number Two had emerged. Now it was time to see if the Great Mother's prediction was right.

At least, as soon as they stopped the dog from tearing off after Bremos the instant he heard the baby's cry.

* * *

Four head-on collisions with four deeply overanxious imps hadn't slowed Bremos's pace as he pelted towards his parent's bedroom. Teenage rebel cool be damned, he wanted to see his new brother or sister.

With lungs like that, he or she had to be kinda impressive.

He slowed to a stroll as he approached the double doors and knocked. 'Any one around…?'

His expression changed from a disguised mildly inquisitive to utter disgust at his father's expression.

Hades was doing…the Gooey Face.

Actually, this wasn't just a normal Gooey Face. This was the _Gooey Face_. The Gooey Face with extra sappiness and a distinct lack of cool.

Bremos shuddered and glanced down to see what poor sucker was on the receiving end of the Face.

All feelings of disgust died as he focused on the small howling bundle of blankets in Hades's arms.

Now that…was small. How could something so small be that loud?

Or that shrivelled?

Or that angry looking?

Hades's expression didn't waver for a moment. 'Brat…meet your little brother.'

/Little _brother_…_little_ brother…I have a _little_…?/ Bremos blinked a few times.

He was a big brother.

That little screaming bundle was his little brother.

…_Woah_.

* * *

Rhea smiled fondly as she looked over at her youngest son. With an expression like that, it wasn't hard to see how protective a father he was gong to make. Even Bremos, despite his almost legendary ego and lack of interest in nearly anything not directly related to him, was looking almost…proud.

She sighed. Family bonding would have to wait at this stage.

Her prediction was about to get proved right.

'Sweetheart, now listen…give the baby to me.'

Hades gave his mother his most petulant look. 'Why?'

'Just give the little one to me, ok?'

The Lord of the Dead didn't look remotely pleased, but he still gave up his newest little bundle. 'Why?'

'I think Seph's going to need you in a few minutes.'

Leaving Bremos outside, Hades moved back into the bedroom and took a quick glance at his wife.

It wasn't exactly pretty. And wasn't the gungy bit of the birth _not_ supposed to require any effort on the mother's part?

He took his place by Seph's side and squeaked as she grabbed his hand and howled.

_'I'm gonna get through this, then I'm gonna KILL SOMEONE!!_'

Okaaay, _this_ was new. And remarkably like the bit before…

Holy…

No.  
Way.  
In.  
Tartarus.

It just wasn't possible.

No way.

Had to be something got snagged or something…

He risked the question.

_'Why _are you gonna kill someone?'

The minute rein Seph had held on her temper and patience snapped at that moment. She crushed her husband's hand in a death grip and loudly voiced the little problem that she had just been made aware of.

'_You really wanna know why I'm gonna kill someone!? Huh!? You really wanna know!? I'M HAVING TWINS, THAT'S WHY!!_'

* * *

Outside, Bremos blinked twice, smiled aimlessly, and five foot ten of solid god hit the floor in a twitching heap.

'Tw-twuu-twiii-win…twiiiiiiiiins….'

* * *

For something with so few brains, Cerberus had a hell of a lot of willpower. Panthera and Leo reflected irritably on this as they were dragged in a most ungainly fashion through the palace corridors.

Some things could stand a near rabid three-headed dog in a parental mood.

Two giant talking lions had no chance.

Neither of them would have minded, but this wasn't exactly the cool, calm and collected feline image they wanted to present to the world.

* * *

Cerberus galloped down the halls towards the sound of the pup, ignoring the kitties clinging to his back. NO kitties were going to stop him from seeing the pup!!

But a small heap of robes that smelt like master Bremos did.

'…Tw-twuu-twiii-win…twiiiiiiiiins….'

The guard-dog of the Underworld frowned. What was a twin? It sounded quite odd…but Bremos seemed to think it was a bad thing…

His middle and left heads sniffed the air, instantly catching the new scent.

He had known it all along!!  
Seph wasn't just having one pup!!  
She was having a _litter_!!

Panthera glanced over at Leo and smirked.

'What's that, ten drachmas?'

Leo groaned. That was the last time he ever bet against his employer's predictions.

* * *

'I am never doing this again, _I am never doing this again, I AM NEVER DOING THIS AGAIN_!!'

Artemis gave her goddaughter a sympathetic look. 'We gathered that, hon. But just another couple of pushes and you'll have baby number two out.'

'This…better…just be…a couple…of…pushes…' The goddess of rebirth spared a glance of pure vengeance for her husband, currently trying not to turn a variant of white from the news.

She was going finish having these babies, and then she was going to castrate him. Slowly and painfully.

Preferably with something sharp and/or rusty.

'_Nnnnnnnuuuaaaaaaarrrrgggggggggggg_!!'

Slightly less pain, presumably the baby's head was out.

'One more big push sweetie and it's all over.' Demeter had just about managed to keep her head after she had discovered she was getting a two-for-one offer on grandchildren.

* * *

Bremos finally regained some control over his faculties and leaned against Cerberus's leg, idly patting Panthera and Leo on the heads. Twins…he had twin brothers…

Weird.

Cool though.

Two little brothers…

* * *

Rhea cuddled one of her twin grandchildren close as Persephone braced herself for one last push. One more push and her theory would be proven right.

One final push…

'AAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!'

Two seconds later…

'WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!'

Three seconds later…

'If you have to faint, do it in a corner, alright?'

* * *

It wasn't often that Bremos was rendered speechless, but when it happened, it was often a monumental event.

This _wasn't_ one of those times.

'Twins…'

'Identical brats…'

Persephone sighed and tried to keep her eyes open as she held the two latest additions to the Underworld family in her arms. 'They do have names, you know.'

Both twins were dozing peacefully in her arms, swathed so deeply in blankets that only their faces could be seen. They both possessed their mother's deep red skin and black hair, only time would tell whose eyes they had inherited. The only characteristic both of them had inherited from their father appeared to be two streaks of blue flames emerging from their almost fluffy black fringes.

Hades finally managed to snap out of his self-induced trance. 'We came up with names? Since when?'

'Since you passed out as soon as our youngest was born. Rhea and I discussed baby names until you came round and accepted parental responsibility.'

The Lord of the Dead raised an eyebrow. 'Suggestions being?'

She nodded gently at the eldest twin, who stirred in her arms and gazed up at his big brother. 'Lakchos.'

Bremos looked down at his baby brother with badly disguised besottedness. 'To cry out. Fits the little guy well.'

'And this little shrimp?' Hades neatly scooped up the youngest twin and wound a lock of black fluff around his thin fingers.

'Chaos.'

'A void, and complete disorder. Great-Grand-entity Chaos'll like that. The little guy definitely threw this place into chaos.'

'Correction.' Hades gazed at his exhausted wife and shared a 'Zeus-save-us' look. He neatly twitched aside a fold of blanket covering his youngest child and returned his gaze to Bremos.

'Whaddya mea--?' Bremos looked down and squeaked.

Well, _that_ was a little…unexpected.

'Think you'll find it's this little _girl_ who threw this place into chaos, brat.'

* * *

TBC

A/N 2: Just so we're all clear, I did not take the idea of the twins from Jurious's fine work. We both had the same idea at the same time, and agreed that we would write each set of twins in different ways. Love it? Hate it?

Actually hope you love it really. Thanks for the patience guys and enjoy the next parts!!

* * *

Melora: You know, in a disturbing way you _are_ actually kinda sweet when you go all mushy.

Hades: I get twins, I think I'm allowed to go a lil' mushy.

Melora: Aww, someone's doing the proud daddy thing. Just as long as you don't start blubbering like you did when Bremos was born.

Hades: I was not crying. I had a semi-emotional moment.


	43. Chapter 43: Vengeance: best served with ...

A/N: See? I got rid of the double-chapter confusion!

* * *

**Julie**: If you're reading this, then I've updated.

**Goddess of Hellish Insanity**: Don't try reading all the chappies in one sitting. Many fine reviewers have lost their already tenuous grip on reality that way.

**Bob**: The next part is right now. The rest will take some time, creativity, and food.

**Shen**: Finally updated!

**Kali**: Haven't updated for ages cos of graduation, moving back home, finding a job, writer's block, moving out, finding another job…reality sucks. Cerberus…wait and see, but I think everyone'll like it!

**Madelynne Rabb**: Hades can raise sons easily enough, but a girl…uncharted territory really. But he's ready to try. Bless.

**Joan Mae**: There is a little something planned for our favourite three-headed dog…

**Nasketch**: Er, Chaos is a _girl_. Thought I'd made that pretty clear!

**Miyoko Rikuri**: Hey hun! Hades is just too adorable as a doting daddy figure of a baby girl to pass up.

**Seyi**: Am touched by you risking the Wrath Of The Narked Dad just to review!

**Crimson Gypsy**: Hades occasionally has his uses as a muse, including annoying my other muses and eating the entire contents of the fridge. But even he's going soft at the prospect of a daughter – have little introspective bit planned for him…

**Lilith**: I think it's kinda odd but nice that so many people like this fic. Thank you!

**D-Ark Of Spirit**: Having a nervous breakdown will not make me write faster. But here's the next chapter anyway. Bremos and Nike will eventually sort out their various problems as only teenagers can…

**Aura Starfire**: I have a firm belief that Cerberus was just misunderstood; he was just a big softy really. And I didn't have to imagine Hades's and Bremos's expressions – I put up with them.

**Ri2**: Still have _no_ idea how to respond to compliments, so settling for embarrassed grin.

**The Iron Duke**: Erm, just see Doinkchan's reply to your review. It pretty much says everything I would say, only more eloquently.

**Lirenel**: I tried to keep everyone in suspense bar a few people. Crimson Fuchsia guessed before I told her, so she was sworn to secrecy. Ditto Jurious, Glinda, VMorticia and my mom. Glad you like the twins!

**Exploding Snap**: I love plot-twists. It's just that writing them's a bitch. is evil to the highest degree. 'Hana' and 'Hannah'…yeah, they're close enough. Like your screennames BTW! And yay for the early corruption!

**Glinda**: My mom just thinks you are Chaos! Apparently, it's the plaits.

**BJ**: I'm pondering whether or not to add a health warning on to this fic – don't try and read it all at once; you just mangle your poor, fragile little brain-cells that way! Again, will have to settle for a lil' embarrassed grin and be amazed that people now see Hades in a new light.

**Celeste Rose**: Getting scared at how many people are trying to read this all in one go!! Always thought Hercules himself was sweet in the movie, but as soon as I saw Hades, I knew I was in trouble. Will accept apple pie with much gratitude!

**YunCyn**: I seem to be doing a lot of embarrassed grins right now. Am guessing the wait was worth it?

**Mom**: I know you love Cerberus. As for the impact of twins on the imps and on Cerberus…well, you know what I'm plotting next.

**Worldtraveler**: Got the connection, my friend! Chaos and Poseidon's daughter Rhode are gonna stick together; as for Lakchos…hmmm. Which gods/goddesses have I not embarrassed recently?

**VMorticia**: Credit for the content of the angry yells goes to my mother – 'Not so much born as fielded' is a direct quote from my Dad circa. October '83. So much for the joys of fatherhood.

**Dr Thinker**: Hades being the father of a baby girl was too cute for words, but I still wanted him to have another son. Voila, the twins. The Hades who appears in the story is a marginally more mature version of the original character Disney created. The Hades who lives to annoy me at the start and end of each chapter is the same god, just a helluva lot less mature.

**Sunrise-chick**: Love long reviews! Personally, I think Hades should've got a load more screen time in the movie. Every girl secretly wants a man who would be willing to give her the stars from the sky – Seph literally got them! Most of the social commentary comes from actual conversations between me and my family and friends. And Hades as a 'mommy's boy' was too good to pass up.

**Silverrain**: Hey, I had writer's block and exams to cope with! Crimson Fuchsia also figured it out, but otherwise…SOMEONE ACTUALLY GUESSED!

**Doinkchan**: Indeed kawaii! Had a look around the site…hmmm.

**Bloodyvixen**: Bremos is technically meant to be a role-model for the twins. Technically. And…thank you for that disturbing mental image.

**Firebird234**: Next chapter finally arrived!

**Katie**: Yay for reviewing! Since we sorted out the email already, I'll do yet another embarrassed grin …and I second the cheer for the twins. Can't remember where I got the line from, but I thought it was bloody funny when I found it!

**Rainne**: I am not a genius by any definition of the word! I just plop down whatever comes into my head and hope it's funny.

* * *

Hades: Twins…

Melora: I _know_ you have twins. I wrote them, you fathered them, neither of us is prepared to shut up about them.

Hades: I'm the dad, therefore I'm allowed to brag. You just get to sulk since you don't have any brats of your own.

Melora: And I don't intend to have any 'brats' until I'm at least 29.

Hades: Hey, at least the human race is safe for another five years.

* * *

Disclaimer: The usual suspects plus Lakchos and Chaos all belong to me. All else belongs to Disney, evil profit-mongering demons that they are.

/.../ denotes thoughts

* * *

**I Won't Say It: Part 43 **

* * *

Bright light.  
_Really_ bright light.  
And a squeal that even his twin would be proud of.

Lakchos frowned, screwing up his little face up into a baby pout. Some person had woken him up from a nice nap, and it wasn't Mommy or Daddy or Bremos.

He couldn't feel Chaos next to him, but he wasn't worried. Daddy had probably fetched her after her nap and taken her up to the throne-room again. He didn't mind though. He knew that Daddy loved the two of them a lot, as well as Mommy, and Bremos…

Bremos…hmmm.

Bremos was pretty cool for a big brother. He talked to him like he was a grown-up and he picked him up a lot. After his first nap this morning, he had woken up to find his big brother keeping watch over him and looking really embarrassed. Bremos had left a big soft toy next to him and Chaos in their crib. It looked exactly like the big doggy Cerberus that lived outside their window.

Bremos had to be around somewhere. He wouldn't let some strange person wake him from a nice nap!

Besides, this new person was _way_ too loud.

_And_ they had moved his cuddly doggy.  
_And_ they were messing with his hair.  
_No-one_ except Chaos, Mommy, Daddy or Bremos was allowed to touch his hair.

Still scowling, he opened his eyes to see who this stranger was and where his sister and his big brother were.

A fluffy white feather brushed past his nose and he sneezed lightly. His scowl lessened a little as he stared up at the goddess hovering over his crib. Just over her shoulder, he could see Bremos looking slightly battered but remarkably pleased with himself.

He would pay for this later.

And so would this goddess if she didn't stop squealing.

* * *

/Memo to me: Women will forgive you ANYTHING if babies are involved./

Shortly after he had managed to recover the powers of speech, Bremos had visited Olympus to pass on the news to his grandfather, his friends and the rest of the pantheon.

To say that the goddess of victory had not exactly been overjoyed to see him was a wild understatement.

To be strictly accurate, Nike had thrown the contents of a fruit bowl at his head while yelling something along the lines of her boyfriend possessing all the tact, compassion, sensitivity and morals of a praying mantis.

Bremos had been quite touched.

And bruised.

Half a bunch of grapes and a girlie scream later, the god of the undead was fighting back a self-congratulatory smirk as he watched Nike leaning over the side of his little brother's crib and cooing as only a broody teenage girl can.

* * *

'Aren't you just the _sweetest_ little guy possible, oh yes ooo are, yes ooo _are_!'

At this point, the eldest son of Hades idly wondered if Nike had been dropped on the head as a child. Fair enough, Lakchos and Chaos were pretty cool for a pair of two-day-old babies, but the mushy baby-talk was starting to make him mildly nauseous.

He could only make a guess as to what his baby brother thought of it, but due to the dark little scowl on Lakchos's face…

'Am I the only one who isn't reduced to cooing inanely at the kid?'

Nike shot a low-level death glare at him before returning her attention to Lakchos. 'Maybe everyone's cooing at him because they know you'll try to corrupt him the first chance you get.'

Bremos shrugged and leaned against the crib next to the goddess. 'Hey, corrupt 'em at an early age. Dad taught me that.'

'Your dad also taught you that plagues of boils were for wimps. It doesn't always mean he's right.'

'I choose to ignore the remark with the spirit in which it was made. Cynically.'

The goddess sighed. 'Would it be so awful if he and Chaos turned out to be functional and…hmmm, possibly _sane_ members of the pantheon?'

'Sanity is no substitute for popularity.'

'Why did I even bother with you in the first place?'

The god of the undead looked marginally hurt at Nike's choice of words. 'Are we already into past tense?'

No reply.

'We're into past tense?'

Still no reply.

* * *

Bremos stared down at his sandals and took a deep breath. Damn Nike for being so annoying and temperamental and sexy and irresistible…

'Would the S-word cover anything I did wrong?'

The winged goddess looked up at him in mild shock. The S-word was rarely invoked in Bremos's self-absorbed little world. Until a few months ago, there had been bets taken as to if he even knew what the word meant.

The smart money was on 'yes if pushed and/or starved.'

'You're…sorry?'

'Hey, pipe down! I got a rep to keep.'

'You're…actually sorry for pissing me off, for being an insensitive bastard, for embarrassing me in front of half the school and not listening to me when I have a problem?'

Bremos repressed a glare and grinned weakly. She was doing this purely to annoy him.

And damn, but she was good.

'If I say yes, does this mean I'm off the hook?'

The goddess smirked at him before returning to fussing over Lakchos. 'One more chance.'

'Meh.' /Could've been worse.

Can't think of anything right now, but could've been worse./

Once Lakchos had learned the subtle art of bribery, his big brother owed him one.

* * *

Sixteen years of trying to raise the original hell-child, and the Fates decided that the Lord of the Dead needed a little excitement.

Another son, fair enough.  
Another son plus a daughter…

Hades settled back into his throne, trying not to disturb the little goddess in his arms. Lakchos was busy being fussed over by the Brat and the winged babe with the perpetual PMT, and Seph was too preoccupied in trying to prevent a 'friendly chat' occurring between Demeter and Rhea.

Even he knew that a 'friendly chat' would inevitably end with at least one offended mother/mother-in-law.

In the meantime, he was perfectly content in looking after his daughter. As his eldest son's relationship with Nike showed, Bremos had little to no clue about looking after a girl, and while Seph could calm her down, Chaos would only settle down completely for her daddy.

Like he was complaining.

A small proud smirk spread across his face as Chaos grasped onto her daddy's fingers and gurgled up at him. Even at two days old, it was clear that she took after her mother both in looks and personality, her brother to a lesser extent.

No doubt Bremos was busy doing his best to mould his younger brother in his own semi-delinquent image.

Way to make the old man proud.

* * *

Snuggled comfortably in her father's arms, the Princess of the Underworld fought off her sleepiness so that she could keep watching her daddy. Since she had woken up, Daddy had fetched her and taken her up to the throne-room. A couple of weird see-through people that Daddy called 'souls' had turned up, but he had been too busy looking after her to care.

Four things called 'imps' had turned up to ask Daddy something as well, but he had gotten really mad and blasted all of them. She couldn't wait until she was old enough to do stuff like that!

The best thing about the day so far was the big doggy trying to get into the room to see her. Daddy called him 'the mutt', but Mommy and Bremos both called him 'Cerberus', so maybe…maybe Daddy didn't like the doggy for some reason.

She liked Cerberus though. He was all friendly and licky and cuddly! Even Lakchos thought so. Bremos looked like he pretended not to like Cerberus, but she could guess how much her big brother liked the doggy.

* * *

The creak of the throne-room doors opening drew Hades's attention temporarily away from being a doting daddy. He had made it pretty clear that no-one was to disturb him during Daddy-Daughter Bonding Time unless the administration had said it was actually important.

But when the administration happens to be four recently broiled demon wannabes with a combined IQ somewhere in the low forties…

Oy.

Hades rolled his eyes and glared at the soul in question as it entered the throne-room.

'Ok, who's the shmuck and why should I…' He trailed off as soon as he saw why the soul in question was looking more than just a tad shaken.

A very familiar scythe was hanging directly over the spirit's head, followed by an equally familiar god of death. 'You said you wanted first dibs on the Sisyphus-torture once we found him.'

''Scuse me. _We_?'

'Ares and me.' Thanatos looked mildly disgusted as he looked at what was laughingly described as his prey. 'He sorta got there first.'

* * *

The popular theory was that Ares had never gotten much love as a child.

It showed.

Particularly when he was in a vengeful mood.

* * *

The Lord of the Dead reluctantly bypassed the idea of dwelling on Ares's complete lack of redeeming traits and zoomed in on the semi-translucent being standing before him.

Even when partially decapitated and missing at least one major limb, Sisyphus still radiated an air of utter overconfidence.

And a remarkable inability to keep his mouth shut.

'My most august Lord Hades, I believe this is the second time I have travelled to your dark realm…'

Still curled in Hades's arms, Chaos stirred and glared at the see-through figure standing before her daddy's throne. There was something about this soul that even her newborn senses could pick up on, and she could tell that Daddy _really_ didn't like him.

'…I did not enjoy the honour of meeting Your Most Esteemed Godliness, but I believe I have met your lady wife…'

Thanatos had decided to allow himself a moment of unprofessional behaviour and started making gagging and throat-slitting motions behind Sisyphus's head.

He felt he'd earned it.

Pretty much like Sisyphus had earned whatever Hades had planned for him.

'…She was a little brash with me, but being confined to the Underworld must have this odd effect on her personality…'

Under normal circumstances, Hades would have exploded by now, treated the soul to a few hours of his own personal style of torture, and then shipped the ex-stiff down to Tartarus.

Flying into one of his legendary temper tantrums was curtailed by the small matter of his daughter still cuddled in his arms.

Creativity time called.

'…But no matter. She was just doing her job…' Sisyphus was thankfully cut off as a fireball roughly the same size as the Lernaian Hydra connected painfully with his spirit body.

The god of death ducked out of the way of the oncoming flames, unfurled his wings and gratefully soared across the throne-room towards Hades.

Sisyphus hadn't exactly been one of the easiest souls to collect, and he felt that somewhere along the line, someone owed him for this.

However, he would quite happily settle for the former king of Corinth receiving a humiliating/painful eternal torment.

Something which the Lord of the Dead would no doubt be planning.

Smirking happily, he executed a perfect landing next to Hades's throne, unaware that a pair of bright brown eyes was watching him with great curiosity.

* * *

The fireball was starting to die down along with Sisyphus's screams. Prolonged personal torture would require two arms – two extremities of which Hades currently didn't have total use.

Unless…

Meh. Couldn't hurt.

Thanatos suddenly found his arms containing six pounds of gurgling newborn goddess. And an adorable little goddess at that.

'So it's a girl then?'

Hades groaned. 'Female half of a twin set. Grandmothers come included.'

The god of death blinked in surprise at the reference to twins, then shrugged. Apart from the 'one parent/mother of darkness/non-corporeal entity' deal, Nyx had gone through the same maternal ordeal with him and his brother Hypnos.

Personally, he doubted if he or his twin had looked this cute when they were babies.

He gave Chaos a small smile as she patted an errant black feather on his shoulder.

'Just as beautiful as her mom.'

'So hold. And I want her back intact.'

Hades turned his attention back to the smouldering spirit cowering in the middle of the throne-room, letting a poisonous smirk play about his face.

'Enough with the cowering babe. Ain't gonna help you where you're going. And there's no point appealing to my better nature 'cos I don't have one. Ditto Po-po and Thunderbolts 'R' Us. But look at it this way…'

Even the Sphinx would be nervous of the shark-toothed smile Hades was wearing.

'…I keep you down here for, oh…ever, you get the eternal torment deal, justice is served, and everyone's happy! Well, ok, everyone _else_ is happy, _you're_ wracked with pain. Sweet.'

Feeling his daughter's eyes on his back, he unconsciously straightened up and downgraded the smile to his customary smirk.

'PAIN! PANIC!'

The two imps appeared surprisingly fast. Possibly because they had been listening in on the entire conversation ever since Thanatos had showed up.

'Ready to serve, Your Morally Bankrupted-ness.'

The smirked widened. 'Ok boys. Remember the rock?'

Panic nodded after some thought. Pain still looked slightly vacant.

'Remember the hill?'

The imps' eyes widened.

Oh, they remembered _the hill_.

Two sets of thought processes suddenly collided as the demon brothers stared at each other. Not the…

Hoooo boy.

The boss was really, _really_ mad.

Hades failed to repress a snigger.

'Take him down and show him the ropes.'

/Heh. Sucker./ (1)

* * *

Most of the smells in the Underworld were of pain, suffering, the occasional kitty and very occasionally, the smell of flowers from the Elysian Fields.

Cerberus had always liked the smell of the flowers. When master Seph had first arrived, she smelt very like a flower, all pretty and fresh.

Now…now she smelt even nicer because of the litter. She had been very, _very_ tired after she had had the pups, but she was so happy that it made up for it.

He still got the feeling that master Hades was in trouble for not telling her that she was going to have more than one pup. But that was the funny thing about masters. They didn't have his sense of smell, so they couldn't tell how many pups would be born in the litter. They might only have one pup at a time, but sometimes they could have many pups at the same time!

The giant guard-dog settled next to the palace dock, ready for a nice long think about the pups and his own litter-mates.

He couldn't remember a time when he wasn't around, but he did remember a time when his brothers and sisters were all bigger than he was. They were all so nice to him! And Mummy Echidna was the nicest of all.

Mummy had always frightened people and even frightened Daddy Typhon a bit. It was almost the same way that master Seph could frighten master Hades!

The Hydra, Chimera, the Trojan dragons and Ladon had even more heads than he did, but they were _proper_ big brothers and sisters. Orthus had less heads than he did, but being both the eldest pup and a dog himself, he looked out for all his little brothers and sisters, especially his puppy brother.

As for the squeaky toys, Cerberus had decided they weren't his _proper_ brothers. Yes, they had the same mummy and daddy, and yes, they had looked after him when he was still a little pup, but they were smaller than he was, and _proper _big brothers wouldn't let themselves get eaten by their little brother all the time.

He never tried to eat any of his sisters though. He knew about manners.

And his sisters were pretty scary. Especially that bossy one who helped Mummy a lot.

If he had a pup of his own, he would make sure that it wasn't bossy, but tough and brave, just like him! And he would teach it how to play with the squeaky toys, and how to wash master Seph's pups, and how to scare all the souls…

But how did you get a pup anyway?

Maybe you had to go to a special place to get one.  
Or maybe you had to do something to get one…

He wasn't _entirely_ sure how, but he was certain that getting a pup, or even a litter, involved a lady dog.

But what did he have to do with a lady dog to get a pup?

This would take a nap and some…thought.

* * *

It might have been the nervous tic developing under Seph's right eye that told Hades that while answering in the negative re. his availability to watch his offspring might _not_ kill him, his wife would still be able to make sure that he was made to suffer in many ingenious and painful ways.

Besides, given the choice between looking after the twins for a few hours, or helping to keep the peace between his mother and his mother-in-law, he'd take the former any time.

It was just a little unfortunate that 'any time' happened to be right in the middle of a staff meeting.

And staff meetings were anything but silent.

* * *

Trying to look like the foreboding, malicious, ruthless Lord of the Dead wasn't easy when you had a twin cuddled into each arm. As such, Hades had spent most of the meeting glaring at anyone who raised their voices above a whisper.

Possibly the only interesting item had been a job request from a set of personifications in the east. It hadn't exactly been easy, but they had been told to come back when they could come up with a better name.

In his opinion, a name like 'the Seven Deadly Sins' was never gonna sell.

The last item on the agenda was Charon's delicately pantomimed request for a better ferry, involving index slates, a mime of a rowing boat and a suitably pleading expression.

The corresponding reply to this request had involved index slates, a Glare O' Death and a not so delicately mimed impersonation of a certain three-headed dog.

* * *

Hades didn't bother hiding a groan as the amassed forces of darkness shuffled out of the throne-room.

Demons…sheeesh. Give them a set of horns and freaky cosmic powers and they thought they were the gods' gift to evil. Since Hades was fully aware that _he_ was the gods' gift to evil, it said a lot about the demons' powers of wishful thinking.

He rolled his eyes and turned his attention to the twins, both of whom were starting to wake up from their naps. Lakchos started to whimper out of confusion, instantly waking his sister and starting her off as well.

Hades still had little to no idea of how to translate baby whimpers into speech. To his credit, he tried.

'I do entertainment and eternal damnation for beginners. If bodily fluids are involved in this, your mom deals with it.'

The twins' whimpers progressed up to annoyed cries.

'Bored? Annoyed? Hungry? The mutt?' Hades was starting to run out of options.

Lakchos quietened down at the mention of Cerberus. Chaos…didn't.

'You're doing this to annoy me, ain'cha.'

* * *

'Mummy was right. You _do_ need my help.'

The crying stopped instantly as the new voice registered with the three deities. Hades blinked once as he analysed the voice, then finally decided to let his face drain of all colour.

The voice had come from somewhere around knee-level.

Knowing that he wasn't going to like what he was about to see, he mentally braced himself and stared down towards the foot of the throne.

The dark eyes gazing up at him wasn't what made him cringe.

It wasn't the pair of silver-grey horns.  
It wasn't the petite storm-grey body.  
It wasn't even the pointy tail or black-grey wings.  
It was the neat black ribbons tied around the horns that made him double take.

Hades was fully aware that female imps existed, he had just never encountered one before now. The foursome from Tartarus's own dream team was bad enough, but…

Awww no.  
No.  
No way.  
Not another one.

The female imp smiled sweetly up at him as he recoiled in a state of horror.

'Mummy Echidna said I was to help you and my big brothers with the new babies.'

The smile grew even bigger.

'You can call me Despair.'

* * *

TBC

(1) Classic eternal torment. Sisyphus had to roll the rock up to the top of the hill for his punishment. Deviously simple, but whenever he got the rock anywhere near the top, it would roll back down the hill and he would have to start all over again. And this rock was one BIG rock.

* * *

Hades: Miming. You really were stretched if you couldn't think of any other way to embarrass me.

Melora: I thought of worse, but even I'm not that cruel.

Hades: And another imp isn't being cruel?

Melora: One imp per person. You have to admit, it makes sense.

Hades: Ah, so you admit you can count!

Melora: I can count one muse who won't get any more Daddy-Daughter Bonding Time if he doesn't shut up…


	44. Chapter 44: Reliable, sensible, dependab...

A/N: Again, I hate writer's block.

* * *

**Firebird234**: Am fully aware of the lasses who Asclepius and Proteus ended up with; have several gigantic books on Greek and Roman mythology, and a dictionary of all the gods and goddesses to help me along the way.

**Metal Dragon1**: Thanks for the creative support, but as to the suggestion…I don't mean to offend, but I only ever put in demons or creatures from Greek, Egyptian, or Norse mythology/legend. Plus, it seems to me that five imps are quite enough to be getting on with!

**TLC**: VM recommended this to you? Cheers to her then, and glad you're enjoying this!

**VMorticia**: Is it me, or is Draco acting perhaps just a tad more…what's the word…cheekier than normal? He knows what happens when he annoys Hades, deliberately or otherwise. And thank you for the sentiments re. my complete and total lack of sanity, morals and anything possibly redeeming about me.

**Coco**: Updated!

**Cyblade Silver**: I like warped stuff, mostly because I'm a deeply warped person. Very glad you like!

**Nasketch**: Most of the conversations in the fic have occurred between various members of my family, disturbing as it sounds. Demeter is based on my Granny Kath with the worried maternal bits of my mum, and Rhea is basically my Nana combined with the more authoritative bits of my mum.

**SuperNova**: I love Daddy-Daughter Bonding Time myself, so more of it there shall be! And of course Despair's more competent than her brothers. She's a girl.

**Superstar3**: It's updated now!

**Ryo-Oh-Ki6**: I get embarrassed when people put my insane ramblings on their Favourites list.

**Faith**: The twins will indeed be going through their teenage years, but as for Nike and Bremos…well, love is never that straightforward. It stands to reason that despite appearances, Hades knows how to treat women well, including his little girl. Bless.

**Mom**: You lived with _me_ through a prolonged gestation, but I can't remember if I made any complaints to the management at that point in my existence. There will be more Cerberus, I have fried my brains on my mobile telling you of the plot developments on Cerberus!

**Dr. Thinker**: Actually, Despair is going to put the fear of the gods into Hades. He's never had to deal with a female imp before.

**Glinda**: Thanks for acting as beta-reader!

**Celeste Rose**: I got writer's block for a helluva while, as my mum will no doubt testify, and then I went back to Scotland, didn't have my computer for a week, and all my muses elected to thwap me over the head with ideas. Huh.

**Bob**: Thank you kindly! Enjoy!

**YunCyn**: I don't want to contemplate the merest possibility of even thinking about teaching a three-headed dog where babies come from. And Hades is afraid. He's very afraid.

**BJ4**: People read this over and over again? That's kinda scary. Don't worry, this fic ain't ending for a looooong time yet! As for fanart, I would attempt to put it up on my own site, but Angelfire's being a nadge pissy with me at the moment, so I can't upload any of the pics.

**No need to know**: Indeed. Only a few people came close to guessing it was twins, and a boy and girl at that!

**Worldtraveler**: You thought Sisyphus was bad, wait until you meet the next shtick who gets too big for his sandals…Lakchos is indeed utterly adorable. Even at two days old, he has a small crowd of adoring females willing to pamper him to pieces!

**KittyKat589**: Hades can only tolerate being bossed around by his sons and the women in his life. Rhea because she's his mum, Seph because she's his beloved wife and the mother of his children, and Chaos because she's Daddy's Little Angel.

**Bloody Vixen**: My only advice is, don't read the whole fic in one go.

**Goddess of Hellish Insanity**: There will be a bit more Hercules, but mostly this fic's about Hades' family, purely because I wanted to inflict him with one.

**Doinkchan**: I think five imps works out nicely. One imp per god/goddess! And Lord knows there needs to be one imp who has some remote connection to reality…

**Sarah Black**: He's being Protective-Daddy Cute, if it helps. I have nothing against babies, but I'm an only child, so I'm kinda new to the siblings and babies thing anyway.

**Crimson Gypsy**: There is a plot involving Cerberus in the works, so be patient!

**Aura Starfire**: My mum didn't realise what fanfiction was until she found a couple of chapters of this on our hard-drive at home. She read it, and has since been my beta-reader of sorts since she's an historian and a mum. Covers the bases nicely, I think!

**Silverrain2**: Again, be patient!

**Rainne**: Nah, you're right, the children of Hades do have a thing for wings. But the image of the god of death holding little Chaos was too cute to pass up.

**Madelynne Rabb**: I don't have to imagine Hades's reaction to a baby Cerberus. I'm looking at it and hearing it right now.

**Lirenel**: Be patient again! But the image of a big pawed, bouncy little baby Cerberus is starting to plant several ideas in my head…

* * *

Hades: And whatever ideas you get, keep 'em well away from me.

Melora: Now call me crazy, but I get the feeling someone's just a wee bit jealous of a certain three-headed doggy…

Hades: One's bad enough. You're trying to inflict MORE on me!?

Melora: Think of the twins. Think of what they'll miss out on by not having a puppy to love and spoil and grow up with…

Hades: I hate you when you guilt-trip me.

Melora: Hey. Proves it works, hun.

* * *

Disclaimer: Since the list of who or what I actually own is about 20+ characters/concepts, can I get away with just saying that everything original is mine, and everything else is swiped from Disney? Good.

/.../ denotes thoughts

/_Italics_/ denotes canine communication

(…) denotes flashbacks

* * *

**I Won't Say It: Part 44 **

* * *

Giving birth to one baby is exhausting enough.

It's why the concept of the 'only child' works so well.

Discovering that you're only halfway through your labour after one baby is born isn't one of the most refreshing experiences motherhood has to offer.

The goddess of rebirth felt she had coped with that little gem of information rather well, considering the circumstances.

She still wasn't about to forgive Hades for his part in causing said event to happen any time soon, but that was just exhaustion and her hormones talking.

When dealing with exhaustion in her ideal Underworld, she would make herself something to eat, have a mug of nectar, crawl into bed, and sleep for the next few decades until she felt marginally less exhausted and her stomach had deflated.

Persephone's vision of the immediate future hadn't included playing the genial hostess to two earth/mother goddesses, both nursing a mug of coffee each, both being annoyingly (and loudly) polite to each other, and one of whom seemed to be knitting an infinite number of pink and blue fluffy booties which were being judiciously unravelled and tangled by the Dream Team from Tartarus's own sulphur pits.

Someone quite obviously hated her.

* * *

'…I really do think that when it comes to raising a daughter, _dear_, I can safely say that you have to be firm with them about unladylike habits.'

Demeter carefully finished the heel of one minute pink bootie while Rhea and Persephone glanced at each other and rolled their eyes. The Titaness knew full well that the 'unladylike habits' comment stemmed purely from the Foxglove Incident.

The goddess of rebirth still stood by her belief that someone would inevitably find the plant useful.

Even if it was just a teeny, weeny bit poisonous.

'But what's most important, _dear_, is that they don't go through the same childhood their father had.'

The goddess of the plants raised her eyebrows at this. No matter what had happened over the past seventeen years, she still firmly believed that Hades was trouble with a cynical personality and an unmanageable hairdo.

Yes, he was her son-in-law.  
Yes, he was utterly devoted to her daughter.  
Yes, he was a remarkably competent and loving father.

There was nothing set in stone that said Demeter actually had to _like_ him.

Or his ridiculous excuses for minions.

'Yes, but once Hades was freed from Cronus's stomach, he didn't exactly suffer, did he _dear_?'

* * *

( Rhea shook her head as her eldest son stomped out of the palace, followed closely behind by his piscine younger brother. At the age of four hundred and two hundred human years respectively (1), Zeus and Poseidon were already incredibly like their father, both in looks and personalities.

Conversely, little Hades was far easier to handle.

Sort of.  
Well…

She didn't particularly think that a helm of invisibility was the right sort of toy to be giving to a highly destructive, flame-headed toddler.

Especially a moody, irritable, highly destructive, flame-headed toddler who happened to a) be immortal, and b) worship his big brothers.

But until the day that he would become a moody, irritable, highly destructive, flame-headed teenager, she would get to spoil him something dreadful.

And if anything went wrong before that, she could blame part of it on the Cyclopes. It was what her older brothers were for.

'Grandma Rhea?'

The goddess of fertility turned around at the sound of her granddaughter's voice, rolling her eyes in amusement at the tableau.

Eirene, the youngest daughter of Zeus and Themis, the goddess of peace and one of the three Horae, rearranged the sulking bundle of immortal toddler she was carrying and tried not to get her robes near the little god's head.

'Dad doesn't take no for an answer, does he?'

Ignoring his babysitter for the moment, Hades held a chubby hand out to his mother, the other wrapped firmly around the neck of his cuddly skeleton. Even at the age of two, he had worked out that as being the youngest of Cronus's children, he was supposed to have his mother and older brothers catering to his every whim.

It hadn't worked out that well in reality, but at least Eirene and Mummy were catering to most of his whims.

Rhea lifted her son into her arms and smiled as he stuck his thumb in his mouth and stared up at her

'I'll keep saying no as long as he lives under this roof. Zeus isn't exactly what I would call suitable husband material.'

Eirene watched Hades's little face light up at the mention of his elder brother. 'Dad's still chasing after Hera?'

'Since he couldn't have her foster aunt Thetis, he moved on to Hera.'

The goddess of peace sighed and lifted Hades into her arms while her grandmother shook some feeling back into her limbs. 'Considering what happened to Metis, I was surprised Dad had even considered any of the other Oceanids. At least he didn't eat Thetis or Eurynome.'

Rhea nodded and repositioned her son back in her embrace. 'It could've been worse. You saw what Hera did to Leto when she gave birth to Artemis and Apollo, poor girl. Why anyone would want to marry someone with that temper…'

The personification of peace decided not to mention her grandfather's mental stability.

Or lack thereof.

Cheerfully oblivious to the discussion of his older brother's love life, Hades sucked on his thumb and snuggled into Rhea's arms as he gazed up at her.

He wasn't entirely sure why big brother Zeus was so interested in chasing after all those goddesses and nymphs, but he was pretty certain that he didn't want to do that when he was a grown up. Mummy didn't seem to like it. Maybe it was because none of them were as pretty as she was.

At least, that was what he thought.

Amphitrite, the pretty sea goddess that big brother Po-po was going to live with after Daddy was overthrown; she was pretty nice. She didn't seem as clever or pretty as Mummy was, but she was far nicer than Hera.

Hera was just scary. And she definitely wasn't as pretty as Mummy was.

The little god's eyelids started to droop, and he became vaguely aware that Eirene and Mummy had stopped talking. He yawned as Rhea carried him through to his own room, tucking him into his crib and extracting his cuddly skeleton from his grasp.

He pouted slightly at his mother. 'Want Ske'ton.'

The goddess of fertility smiled down fondly at him. 'You get Skeleton back tomorrow, I promise.'

There wasn't any reason not to believe Mummy when she promised something, unless you were paranoid like Daddy. Hades watched sleepily as a gold and brown spotted lion cub nosed its way into his room and curled up at the foot of his crib. He didn't like cats much, but this one was fun. It liked scaring people a lot, especially in a place called Nemea… )

* * *

'…As I said, _dear_, he didn't exactly suffer, did he? Not with you and the Horae fussing over him at every moment.' One pink sock was darned and set aside, then promptly unravelled by Agony and Torment.

Rhea's knuckles were turning white around her mug of coffee. 'I did what any mother does naturally for her little boy. And Hades didn't shape up so badly, did he, _dear_?'

'If you read badly to mean; attempted to usurp his own brother, released the Titans, abducted my daughter and forced her to marry him, then no, he didn't shape up badly at all, _dear_.'

Persephone groaned and let her head thump against the tabletop, sticking her fingers in her ears to drown out Rhea and Demeter's pseudo-polite conversation. She loved her mother dearly, but this was one of the occasions where she really could see the benefits of pretending to be an only child orphan.

As soon as she could (politely) make the two women leave, she was going to kill Hades for this. Fatherhood had to be a breeze compared to earth-mother taming.

A tap somewhere around knee-level jolted her out of her thoughts. The Dream Team would need a break from sock duty about now, and she didn't blame them. The imps' mother could be a terror in a far more literal sense than Demeter or Rhea, being the Mother Of All Monsters. But at least Echidna brought food every time she turned up, and she did have a soft spot for Hades, having pretty much nurse-maided him through his early days as the Lord of the Dead.

She sighed. 'Save yourselves. Go and look after the twins.'

'Actually, I'm here to look after you _and_ the twins.'

The goddess of rebirth blinked and looked down at the owner of the voice.

A small grey female imp was smiling up at her, black ribbons neatly tied around her horns.

'And you are…?'

Despair's smile grew bigger. 'Despair, daughter of Echidna and Typhon. Mummy sends you lots of love, congratulations and a fresh beef schwarma. She also says that she thinks you're doing a very good job so far with the babies, but you might like a little bit of extra help, so she sent me.'

* * *

Roughly at the same moment Persephone felt her endorphins begin to rise, Pain, Panic, Agony and Torment felt their collective bowels to loosen.

Despair.

The practical one.  
The sensible one.  
The smart one.  
The charming one.

AKA The baby sister from hell.

* * *

'Female imp wrong. Very wrong. Very very wrong.'

'For once, I concur.' Hades grimaced slightly. 'This has _gotta_ be some sort of health violation.'

'Whose health?'

'Mine, genius.'

Normally, the god of the undead was quite happy to laugh in the face of danger, and then hide until it went away.

On this occasion, Bremos had laughed in the face of danger, and then proceeded to try and hide behind something, whimpering madly, until it went away.

Unfortunately, the something he had tried to hide behind was his dad.

And Hades was currently standing watch over the twins' crib as Lakchos and Chaos slept, trying not to make it look too obvious that he was considering emigration in a whole new light.

* * *

Bremos decided to risk a glance out from under the table, just in case the _impette_ had turned up.

Hades's mood was steadily going downhill. 'What did I ever do to deserve another relative of the Dream Team?'

'Do I have to answer that?'

'It's a rhetorical question.'

'Nah, it's a female imp.' The god of the undead ducked back under the table. 'How come you never told me there were female imps?'

'Same reason I never told you there were daemons living under the stairs. You never asked. '

Bremos wisely opted not to comment.

At that moment, Pain, Panic, Agony and Torment barrelled through the nursery door, their collective courage having failed them in the face of an implacable evil.

'ShescomingshescomingshescomingshescominggottahidegottahidegottahidedeathnothingonherultimateevilhidehidehidehideHIDE!!'

Torment's grasp of coherence had apparently failed as well. But the string of babbled prophecies had the desired effect on his masters.

Within fifteen seconds, the four imps and two gods were cringing under the table, praying against all possibility that they had been rendered invisible.

* * *

Despair sighed and rested her hands against her hips.

Men. Faced with practicality and what did they do? Ran around and screamed like nymphs.

'Now don't be silly. I can see all of you hiding under the table, so you might as well just be sensible and come out from there.'

The six expressions which emerged from hiding ranged from 'Someone _really_ hates me', through 'Female imp?!' to 'Evil little sister here to plague us all.'

It was nice to know she could still provoke that kind of reaction in her older brothers.

'Mummy doesn't want Persephone to be overdoing anything since she's just given birth. She's sent me along to make sure you all help out like you're meant to, while I help her…'

Her voice trailed off as she looked up at the three giant heads squashed inside the window frame, all six red eyes wide with recognition.

'Cerberus!!'

The guard-dog howled with joy and leaned over to lick his little sister's face.

Despair might be scary, but she was always so nice to him!!

And she did a lot of his thinking for him. It relieved the pressure on his brains.

The assembled imps, along with Hades and Bremos, stared in horror at the scene.

The impette got along with the dog.

Whoever was doing this was obviously a complete, unmitigated sadist.

* * *

Demeter and Rhea had both finally left after the god of the undead had made a small emergency trip up to Olympus. There was only one person on whom a desperate god could call on in this kind of situation…

The god of wine and parties grinned and gestured around a hastily arranged buffet table. 'If there's one thing your grandmother can't stick, it's a mambo.'

He gently patted his flame-headed grandson on the shoulder. 'Don't worry kiddo; I know how she gets around Seph. Call it your payback for the Ariadne thing.'

Staging that party on such short notice…Bacchus had been brilliant. It was questionable if the grape stains would ever come out of the carpet, but that was what cloud furnishings were for.

Bremos had absolutely no idea that Eris could limbo.

Nor did he want to know.

* * *

**2 weeks later… **

/Well, it was worth trying./

Bremos slouched against his desk and sulked. Prometheus Academy had obviously never heard of rare allergies to light and heat caused by unnecessary exercise.

Neither had his parents for that matter. He had known better than to invoke the Wrath of the Exhausted Mother/Goddess, so pleading his case to his mother was out from the start.

His father he would traditionally have had more luck with, but since he had used up fourteen different epidemics since the start of the year, the choice for semi-convincing sicknesses was down to gangrene, athlete's foot or Ebola. The first two were obviously out as they could only be caused by actually taking part in Gym, and Ebola just sounded stupid. (2)

At that point, Despair had shown up and stared at him until he gave up and left for the surface purely to escape her.

Anyway, he wasn't about to admit to anyone any time soon that the only reason he had considered skipping school was because he was actually missing his little brother.

Well, maybe to Nike, if it made him seem 'sensitive' or one of the other things she repeatedly accused him of not being.

Everyone knew what sort of payback was entailed for being 'sensitive' around your girlfriend…

'Bremos? You're eating your scroll again.' Proteus gestured towards several soggy pieces of parchment and tried not to look utterly revolted.

With a little judicious searching, the god of the undead quickly worked out that he had chewed up sections L - P in 'The Alpha - Omega Guide to Beasts, Birds and Other Multi-headed Creatures'. Not a big loss.

He'd already amended Cerberus's entry in the guide anyway. It had started out initially as '(def: 'demon of the pit') Massive three-headed offspring of Typhon and Echidna, this giant dog acts as guardian of the Underworld, letting only the dead pass and devouring the living.'

One bored deity later, it read, 'Massive three-headed thing that never does what he's told, has accidents everywhere, needs three mile walkies everyday, and occasionally acts as cannon fodder when the minions are too burnt.'

After the twins were born, the following note was added, 'Also acts as unpaid babysitter and likes it. Clearly has no understanding of concept of bribery.'

* * *

The screams of pure, unfiltered agony that Cerberus could hear coming from the general direction of Tartarus sounded nice.  
The nasty man Sisyphus was obviously getting what he deserved for tricking master Seph.

The screams of the squeaky toys inside the palace sounded even better.  
They had obviously just seen what Despair had done to their room.

At the moment, he wasn't worried about what his little sister was trying to do to the squeaky toys. Investigating the pups' presents from the gods was most important.

Especially the presents from the nice fat pink god and the scary pretty blue goddess.

The pretty lady Athena had insisted that the big strange stick was a present for Chaos when she was a little older, while master Seph's daddy Bacchus had given the odd jar to Lakchos, saying it would come in useful later on. Since master Seph and Despair had taken the pups away to have a bath, he decided it was the right time to investigate the strange presents.

The giant guard-dog stretched one of his necks as far through the window as he could manage and sniffed warily at the obsidian axe and clay amphora both leaning next to Lakchos and Chaos' crib.

A small 'wuff' emerged from his separate mouths as he sniffed the amphora. It smelt quite nice, like berries and flowers. It was quite like master Seph in a way, but it was a little more musky, and just smelling it made his heads feel all dizzy and odd.

He hoped it wouldn't do that to Lakchos. But master Seph's daddy was so nice and friendly! He would _never_ give his pup's pup anything nasty! Master Seph and master Hades would never let him!

Deciding to trust his masters on this one, Cerberus frowned and sniffed carefully at the axe. This present confused him even more than the amphora. It looked like a big stick with a sharp stony bit in the side and a _very_ sharp pointy bit at the top.

Why would the blue goddess Athena give Chaos a stick? Chaos wasn't a dog! She was his pup, but she wasn't a proper pup, not like a dog pup…

* * *

'Awwwrrooorwwwwl…'

The giant dog's ears pricked up.

He knew that howl!

He wrenched his heads out of the nursery window and sniffed the air, tongues lolling out of his mouths as he picked up the scent.

He knew that scent _really_ well!

'Roooowwrrrrl?'

/_Over here!_/

Cerberus barked and charged at the figure perched neatly on a nearby boulder. The mostly human figure was busy working a piece of meat from his teeth with his ankh, his nose picking up the scent of sheer happiness wafting from his three-headed hunting companion.

Anubis, jackal-headed god of cemeteries and the dead, and son of Osiris, quickly stood up and leapt out of the line of fire as Cerberus barrelled straight into the boulder, denting it slightly.

/_Someone's in a good mood._/

The three-headed dog whined happily. /_Master Seph's had a litter!! A boy pup and a girl pup!!_/

Anubis blinked and gazed up at the palace. /_Hooo boy. Bet she _loved_ Hades for that._/

/_What?_/

/_Never mind._/ The jackal sighed. Cerberus was friendly enough, and desperately protective of all his masters, but there were times when it was fairly obvious the communal brain-cell had decided to shut down out of interests of self-preservation.

Said guard-dog shrugged and returned back to his previous good mood. /_So what are you doing here?_/

/_Got sent here by Osiris to say congrats to Hades and Persephone._/

/_Ooooh. How is your daddy?_/

The god rolled his eyes. /_Still dead. Yours?_/

/_Trapped under a big fiery mountain._/

* * *

Sarcasm for Cerberus resembled a griffin.  
It flew _waaaay_ over the top of his head, and occasionally shed feathers.

* * *

/_Eh-heh. Wanna go hunting round the City of the Dead for a bit?_/

/_I'm meant to guarding the pups._/

Anubis smirked. /_Did anyone actually tell you to keep guard over the pups?_/

/_Noooo…_/ Cerberus looked slightly confused and reluctant.

/_And I see no pups within the immediate vicinity. So what's the problem?_/

Cerberus still looked reluctant.

/_Bast's been slinking around the City recently…_/

The three-headed dog's six eyes lit up.

He could never say no to chasing a _kitty_ goddess.

* * *

TBC

(1) I know, I know. Flashback impossible, Zeus was youngest, siblings all emerged from Cronus instantly able to fight blah blah blah, but I think a Baby Hades flashback justifies a little chronological and mythological twisting of fact. All nitpickers, please note this is a Disney fic. You want accuracy, go read the stuff in the Greek Mythology section.

BTW, got the idea for the flashback from the famous Roman statue of Irene (Eirene) holding the infant Pluto (Hades). Cute, huh?

(2) My dad actually did send me to school with a note excusing me from Gym because I had, and I quote, 'a wee touch of plague'. The original note excusing me from Prize Day involved 'a wee touch of cholera'.

* * *

Hades: And you still had to fake a toothache to make them let you out.

Melora: Hey, I sat through five Speech Days and humiliated myself at one. I thought it was time to get something in return.

Hades: Other than the world's smallest trophy? C'mon, I've seen mugs bigger than that thing.

Melora: I though we agreed not to mention that.

Hades: _You_ did, actually. _I_ didn't.


	45. Chapter 45: Sanity is a relative concept

A/N: Researching Egyptian mythology is no joke. That and MS Word are to blame for the lateness of this part - stupid thing ate all my formatting and then deleted half the chapter. Huh.

* * *

**Andivari**: Despair managed to get the practicality genes in her family. As for the kitty-hunting, it's not just Bast that Cerberus and Anubis have to worry about…

**Evenstar**: Glad to hear you're getting a kick out of the story!

**Nie Starwhistler**: Heh. You have no idea how much torture he's in for…

**Celeste Rose:** Any excuse for a party!

**Doinkchan**: Yay for inspiration! There are a few more flashbacks in the works, but haven't decided if I want to do another baby Hades one…yet.

**Sarah Black**: The Egyptian pantheon was one of the first bits of history I ever learned, apart from the Greek pantheon. Got a special fondness for them. Any religion that has cats and dogs as deities has to be cool.

**Dr. Thinker**: Hyena laughter? Good grief.

**Silverrain2**: Well, at least it alleviated the boredom. I hope.

**Damian**: There are plenty of Hades-as-daddy moments planned. You don't think I'd give up trying to make him act sweet, did you?

**Metal Dragon1**: Let's not get into any muse rivalry/arse-kicking contests, please.

**YunCyn**: I may be a sadist, but I try to be amusing while doing it. The junior Godsquad will actually be turning up in this part, so nice timing!

**Joan Mae**: Thanks for the support re. twiddling with the mythological facts!

**Superstar**: I decided that in this fic, Ariadne and Bacchus had a thing, but he's still rather fond of her. Not as scary as Demeter.

**Rainne**: Sorry about fast-forwarding! No kidding about the incest in the pantheon. The family tree for these guys wouldn't be so much a tree as a very small, deformed potted plant. Or is that just the gene pool?

**Cilicia**: The picture of Baby Hades was too cute to ignore, then I found a great picture of the statue of Irene with the infant Pluto in her arms. Seemed perfectly logical to write a flashback after that!

**Faith**: I'm rather proud with how Despair turned out. But she does have one interesting little fault…

**Halfmask**: I'm not a genius, now stop it. But cheers for adding me to your favourites list!

**Silverdracowolf**: And here is more to keep you laughing, or at least sniggering.

**Bloody Vixen**: Well, the fic's updated now (no duh.). As for real-life stuff…I did my degree in Journalism Studies, so I may do some actual writing. I'd write a book about my life if I thought anyone would take it seriously.

**VMorticia**: The infant Oedipus suggestion…at that age, Rhea was the first person to show Hades any kindness, and the bond between mother and child, as my mum's told me and I know full well, is incredibly strong. He just thinks his mum's beautiful because he loves her so much. Yes, you can use the line about griffins as long as I get credit! Trust me, Hades will behave himself if he values his dignity.

* * *

Hades: Dignity…remind me again?

Melora: It's what I keep stripping you of whenever you seem to get some of it.

Hades: I thought my dignity was still in its wrapping, never-used, yadda yadda?

Melora: Nah, that's your conscience, ethics and morals.

Hades: It's kinda hard telling them apart.

* * *

Disclaimer: I'll be a pain and list them all. Seph, Bremos, Lakchos, Chaos, Agony, Torment, Despair, Rhea, Panthera, Leo, Nike, Hyllus, Proteus, Asclepius, Telemachus, Voluptas, Anubis and any other Greek or Egyptian gods who turn up in this part all belong to me. The rest is all Disney's own and I doubt they'd sell anyone on to me.

/.../ denotes thoughts

/_Italics_/ denotes canine communication

* * *

**I Won't Say It: Part 45 **

* * *

Whatever else is said about them, gods are not generally termed as insane.

Fair enough, you do get the occasional ones who should be wrapped up in straightjackets and locked in a rubber-room with a stick between their teeth, but no-one who actually likes being human-shaped calls a god 'insane'. The polite way of putting it is either 'eccentric' or 'slightly removed from reality'.

Ironically, the view that Zeus had never actually been in contact with reality was one held by most of the gods.

His latest memo to her had, in Persephone's opinion, confirmed this view.

But then again, anything that required her to appear demure and mystical generally produced speculation about the thunder god's tenuous grip on his sanity.

* * *

'So what does Zeus actually want you to do?' The female imp hovered above the bath and carefully poured in a few inches of water.

The goddess of rebirth tried and failed to hold back a frown as she and Despair settled the twins into the bath. 'Divine intervention. Appear in a vision of some philosopher being ordered to commit suicide, tell him about the afterlife…the usual.'

Despair looked slightly perplexed. 'A philosopher being ordered to kill himself? Why?'

'Beats me. All I know is that I have to wear something that hasn't been in style for at least a century, make with the mystic hooey, then deal with the poor guy once he actually turns up here.'

'But Mummy said that I was to make sure that you got plenty of rest. A divine intervention doesn't sound very relaxing to me.'

Persephone's frown turned into a small smile as Lakchos sent a splash of water over his sister, squealing happily. 'Think I don't know that? I already told Zeus that interventions are out until my stomach looks slightly less like a red blancmange. No luck. But then, this is Zeus; the god who can't count to twenty one unless he's naked.'

Despair giggled. Mummy didn't particularly like Zeus either, and some of the stories she'd heard as a baby…

Then again, she'd heard quite a few stories about Hades as well, and some of them…well. But Mummy had always been very fond of Hades for some reason, so she was honour-bound to make sure that he and his family were looked after when Mummy couldn't help out.

She landed neatly beside the bath and started wrestling with what looked like at first glance, a pair of pig's bladders with corks.

'Erm, what are you doing?'

'Putting my floats on.'

The goddess looked up from her attempts to prevent Chaos from eating the soap. 'You're an imp. You have wings. You're more waterproof than I can ever hope to be. Why do you need floats?'

The impette sent a disparaging glance in the direction of the bath. 'You can never be too careful around water. Mummy always says it's best to be cautious.'

Persephone tried not to smile. /The youngest daughter of the Mother of All Monsters, the most practical maid under Earth…and she has only one flaw. Petrified of water.

Kudos to Echidna on this one./

The smile forced its way onto her face. 'Your siblings don't seem to have a problem with water. Look at Cerberus.'

Despair looked up at her in mild concern. 'I'd rather not. Cerberus may be my big brother, but he has no concept of safety.'

'And judging from what he and Anubis dug up earlier, no concept of taste, either.'

* * *

After a small incident several thousand years ago involving someone's husband/brother/son/father/entity making an uncomplimentary remark about someone's wife at Zeus and Hera's wedding banquet, the pantheons of Greece, Egypt, Rome and Norway had, by and large, kept themselves to themselves when not required to meet for various ceremonies.

The official record about the dispute simply stated 'divinely-ordained differences.'

Along with a recommendation never to let Set, Loki or Eris near a trifle after four amphorae of wine again.

The children of the gods however, saw no reason not to attempt a little cross-pantheon communication, superficially in the interests of strengthening ties between the gods, but mostly because it really hacked their parents off.

Hence the basis of the friendship between the Egyptian god of cemeteries and the dead, and the guard-dog of the Underworld.

* * *

With Anubis slouching comfortably on his back and chomping on something meaty and very, very smelly, Cerberus trotted happily through the caves and streams of the Underworld towards the City of the Dead.

It had been a while since he and Anubis had gone kitty-hunting. Anubis's mummy Isis and daddy Osiris didn't seem to like him very much. Osiris was always yelling at him, and Isis kept asking Anubis why he wasn't more like Bast, or setting a better example for his little brother Horus.

She might be his big sister, but Bast was a _kitty _goddess! Dogs weren't supposed to act like kitties! That would be like mummy Echidna telling him to act like the Nemean Lion, which was just silly!

/_Hey._/ The jackal-headed god nudged his hunting partner's shoulder with his rapidly decomposing snack. /_Want a bite?_/

Cerberus's left-most head sniffed briefly at the proffered limb before opening his mouth and swallowing the snack in one go. His mother had always taught him that it was only polite to smell your food before you massacred it. Mummy Echidna was very firm about something called manners.

/_Eeesh._/ Anubis winced slightly at the sound of a rather enthusiastic stomach setting to work on the limb. /_You ever heard of the concept of chewing?_/

The giant dog blinked. /_…What's a concept?_/

/_Never mind. Right here, then straight ahead._/ Anubis settled against Cerberus's back and watched a few stalagmites pass.

It had been a long time since the two of them had gone big-game/big-sister hunting. Most of the time, meeting up was next to impossible because of his family. His father took the whole King of the Dead thing way too seriously for his liking. Fair enough, he was a better king compared to Uncle Set, but Uncle Set had had the slight disadvantages of being the god of chaos, a cannibal, and a complete idiot.

His mother was slightly easier to get on with, but in his opinion, Isis' carving would be on a wall someday right next to the hieroglyphs for favouritism and nagging. Ever since the incident with the canoupic jars, it had been, 'Where did I go wrong?' and 'Why can't you be more like your sister?'

On reflection, defending himself on the grounds of both hunger and curiosity hadn't exactly been an award-winning combination.

As far as his siblings went, Horus was pretty decent. He was the only family member who didn't criticise him constantly. Unfortunately, he was also the baby of the family and the god of the sky, as well as being a falcon-headed child prodigy who had removed a couple of things of great value to Uncle Set. (1)

His sister…eeesh. According to his parents, Bast could do no wrong, being a moon goddess and one of the 'Eyes of Ra'. First-born of Isis and Osiris; worshipped throughout Egypt; perfect marriage to Ptah, the creator-god of Memphis; three perfect sons, Nefertem, Imhotep and Maa'hes.

And what did he get? Middle child; god of cemeteries, embalming, funerals and the dead; lord of the City of the Dead and still pathetically single after four thousand years.

The semi-believable reason Anubis hadn't completely given up on the whole deity thing and wandered off for a drink was because of Cerberus. Dogs in the Egyptian and Grecian pantheons didn't get much respect - though a healthy amount of fear and paranoia was a pretty good substitute. The canines of the Underworld need to stick together in times of crisis.

The long accepted reason for their continued friendship was because Cerberus had ready access to thousands of decaying and otherwise wasted corpses.

And Anubis wasn't a god who turned down a free meal.

* * *

Most deities saw the Underworld as a place of decay and dysfunction, where mess and insolence ruled supreme and where the undead lay in unceasing yet thankful silence.

This was a fairly accurate assumption considering package holidays in the Costas had yet to happen.

Despite appearances, the Underworld had a few specific house rules. Not exactly helpful ones, but they did provide an inspiring glance into domestic life under the earth all the same.

House Rule 1: The mutt sleeps outside. No excuses.  
House Rule 2: Last time I'm asking you two: put the seat down!  
House Rule 3: Stop flushing my mother's vegetable casseroles down the toilet. She's getting suspicious.  
House Rule 4: Mummy says the Phlegethon is not a toy.  
House Rule 5: Always do the opposite of what Bremos says.  
House Rule 6: Mom, c'mon! Put the seat up!  
House Rule 7: Anything under the age of two gets fed and cleaned up before I get landed with it. (2)

House Rule 7 having been successfully implemented, the Lord of the Dead was spending a little quality time with his two marginally less manipulative family members.

The twin in each arm arrangement seemed to be working out well for all concerned - Lakchos was snuggled in Hades's left arm and quietly sucking his thumb while Chaos was staring in fascination at her daddy's toga pin. It didn't seem to be a good moment for demonstrating minion grilling as he had done with Bremos at the same age, so he was stuck with the talking shtick.

At present, he didn't feel it was going too well. But according to Seph, the twins wouldn't learn unless they got talked to for a bit.

In theory, anyway.

* * *

'…Flying wolves, shyeah right. What sorta goddess has flying wolves? Queen of the Night and that's the best she came up with. Dunno what she was whinin' about. The most I get half the year is a river of has-beens, the most deranged mutt this side of Tartarus, four imps all one grape short of the full amphora, and now an impette who keeps channelling my mom-in-law's spirit when staring doesn't work.'

Lakchos gurgled and burrowed further into his father's chest, attracting his sister's attention. Chaos gazed at her twin with happy eyes. The two of them always loved spending time with Daddy, but they both agreed that it was nicest when he just talked to them.

Daddy seemed to know a lot about the other gods and goddesses, especially Uncle Zeus. He sounded _really_ silly. From what they had learned, Uncle Zeus lived with a really nice lady called Auntie Hera, but he kept making her upset by trying to live with other ladies, which didn't sound too nice. But Auntie Hera always got something called 'vengeance' on Uncle Zeus. From that, they had both decided that vengeance sounded like fun.

Yawning and closing his eyes for a little doze, Lakchos had already decided that hearing about his uncle's various conquests didn't exactly appeal to him. Hearing about all of the weird monsters that seemed to be Cerberus's big brothers and sisters…now, that sounded better. He hoped Chaos would wake him once Daddy got to those bits.

* * *

With a few improvised manoeuvres on his behalf, Hades managed to settle Lakchos into the crib next to his throne without him waking up, and shifted his daughter more firmly into his grasp.

/One twin gone sleepy-byes, one more to go./

Unfortunately, Hades hadn't contended with a rarely overlooked result of feeding a baby.

Chaos's face started to scrunch up as her tummy started to hurt. She knew full well what the problem was, but trying to tell Daddy about it was more difficult than she thought. Mummy always seemed to know just what the problem was and how to make it better, but Daddy…he still needed some training.

Until then, screaming sounded like the best thing to do.

* * *

Hades's eyes widened in panic as he recognised the sounds of his daughter preparing to launch a noise offensive.

By nature, he didn't do screaming fits. That was left to Seph or the impette, both of whom seemed to have abandoned him in a time of need.

'Ok, so your mom obviously skipped on something here. Do I get any hints on what?'

If she could, Chaos would have rolled her eyes. She settled with squirming about a little to try and stop her tummy hurting.

'Not sleepy, got that…I don't do the feeding thing until you and your brother get a few teeth between you.'

Chaos glared at him and started whimpering.

'Ok, ok, not food. Something to _do_ with food?'

Seph had mentioned something to him earlier about this, something along the lines of…

It came to him rather abruptly.

/Not fair./

The Lord of the Dead traded glares with his daughter before he settled her against his shoulder.

'You puke on this, it goes on your tab.'

Chaos wasn't listening. All she was concentrating on was making her tummy stop hurting. At least Daddy had finally figured out what was wrong. You'd think a baby had never had wind before.

It did feel nice getting her back patted, though. Her tummy wasn't hurting anymore, but she did feel a little bit sick…

* * *

Fortunately for Hades, the sound of Chaos throwing up down his back was completely missed.

Unfortunately for Hades, the sound was missed due to a remarkably loud clap of thunder and lightning echoing through the throne-room, instantly waking Lakchos and distracting Chaos from the little mess she had made.

'Afternoon, little brother. I trust you're not too busy to see me?'

Zeus had never been one for good timing.

* * *

'Owwww…'

Bremos raised his shades long enough to spare a glance at his cousin. 'Hey, I warned ya.'

'You never mentioned actual physical pain as a side effect.' Proteus rubbed the side of his face and tried to look mournful.

'I assumed you knew what the consequences would be for trying the 'healing hands' line.' The god of the undead pushed his shades further up his nose and stretched out across the steps of the cafeterium.

'Huh.' The shape shifter's lower lip moved into pout mode.

Nike sighed and sat down next to him. 'Having a little sulkie, are we?'

'No. I'm just sitting here thinking cruel thoughts about Angelia.'

'She's the daughter of Hermes. She's always been a bit full of herself. And, much as I'm loath to admit it, Bremos does have a point.'

Said god smirked widely. 'I have a point? Go me.'

The goddess of victory ignored him. 'The 'healing hands' line is kind of old.'

Voluptas frowned slightly. 'To be fair though, it worked for Asclepius. He's off making goo-goo noises with that healing goddess, Epione.'

Hyllus glanced up from copying Bremos's maths homework. 'Yeah, but he's the god of healing, and they both happen to like each other. Our resident sea-god tries it on with any girl who happens to be breathing.'

Proteus shrugged and grabbed his book-bag. 'Hey, I'm not choosy.'

Nike stared at her prone boyfriend as her three friends slouched off in the general direction of Maths class. 'You 'warned' him?'

'I told him he had no hope in Tartarus. Thought that seemed fair.'

She sighed. 'So…you never thought that the reason he's going after all these girls is to prove you wrong?'

Bremos raised his shades and grinned at her. 'I can't help it if I'm more successful with women than he is.'

The goddess rolled her eyes. 'Remind me again why I'm going out with you?'

'I'm obnoxiously good-looking, relatively low-maintenance, and comparatively sane. Unlike Uncle Zeus and the rest of my extended family.'

'And your modesty astounds us all. Really.'

* * *

It was said that when someone was happy, someone else was about to become extremely upset.

When Zeus was happy, someone, normally Hades, was about to become extremely pissed off.

At the moment, the Lord of the Dead was just waiting for the first hint that life was about to become excruciatingly unfair.

It hadn't happened yet, mostly because his older brother had opted to step into his 'adoring uncle' mode.

'Obviously fatherhood must be slightly stressful for _you_, but I must say I've never found it a problem.'

'Three kids this side versus a few dozen your side…Doesn't match up, bro.'

'Well, the women are more than capable of dealing with the children. What use would I be?'

To his credit, Hades kept his mouth shut re. his brother's paternal abilities.

The king of the gods neatly turned his attention to Lakchos and pulled what he believed was an amusing face at his nephew.

Lakchos wasn't having any of it.

He glared at his uncle with the darkest frown he could muster. Just in case that failed, he jutted his lower lip into a rather nasty looking pout. Daddy had told him that his frown was pretty impressive for someone that couldn't sit up without help.

It was enough. Zeus's confidence buckled slightly under the glare as the thunder god turned towards Hades. Chaos snuggled back into her daddy's arms and frowned at her uncle. This might have been the first time she and her twin had met the thunder god, but she wasn't impressed. He didn't even treat her twin like a person!

'Well, enough small talk. I presume you and Persephone have both heard the good news.'

Hades tensed slightly. /Life is about to become excruciatingly unfair…/

'What good news?' Persephone marched into the throne-room, lifted her son out of his crib and settled him against her shoulder. She had heard the thunder god's irritatingly cheery voice echoing through the palace a few minutes previously and had opted to come and provide moral support.

At the very least, she'd get a cheap laugh out of the situation.

Zeus looked mildly surprised. 'You haven't heard? But I informed everyone at the last Council meeting as to my decision!'

Hades shrugged. 'Didn't get the memo.'

'Honestly little brother, how do you expect to be a respected and useful member of the pantheon if you won't even turn up to the meetings?'

'They're called kids, bro. Y'know, the short guys that look like you, run around squealing and form a close personal relationship with your bank account?'

'You're both telling me that your children are more important than the Council meetings?'

The goddess of rebirth rolled her eyes. 'To coin a phrase, duh.'

Zeus shook his head. 'Well, I suppose this news would sound even better coming from me. After all, it is connected to your…domain.'

'The news being?'

'The Council members were a little edgy about it, but they agreed with me in the end.'

Hades was starting to seethe. 'To _what_?'

'I believe that our glorious father Cronus has paid his dues to the pantheon and to the rest of the Titans for his crimes against them, and as such, he is to be released.'

* * *

Silence.

Silence.

And just for variety, a bit more silence.

* * *

Hades's left eye twitched. 'D'you…wanna run that by me again?'

'Father has paid his debts to the pantheon and the Titans, and he is going to be released.' Zeus beamed.

'…Ok, see, I'm having a lil' problem here.' The Lord of the Dead quickly passed his daughter over to his wife before he stood up.

'I'm hearing this whacked out proposition that you, the king of the gods, our gracious leader and all that guff, are planning to release the leader of the Titans, the god of time AKA _Dad_ from eternal imprisonment in Tartarus.'

'That's right. I think he's learned his lesson.'

'One question, bro.' An insane little grin was edging its way across Hades's face.

'Name it.'

'**HAVE YOU _COMPLETELY_ LOST YOUR GRIP!?**'

Zeus looked a little flustered. 'Now really, there's no call for any of…'

'**THE GUY SWALLOWED ME AND PO-PO WHOLE WHEN WE WERE BORN AND YOU WANNA LET HIM OUT!?**'

'Father was under stress at the time. I can completely understand why. Ruling the universe is no easy…'

**'UNDER _STRESS_!?HE'S A _PSYCHO_!! LAST TIME I GOT MADE TO SEE HIM HE WAS SWEARING VENGEANCE ON ALL OF US!! AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO THINKS THIS IS COMPLETELY _WARPED_!?**'

'HADES!!'

The Lord of the Dead flopped back into his throne and glared at his brother, who rather happily looked more than slightly shaken.

'Father has paid his dues. He will be released.'

Persephone shook her head in total disbelief as she placed the now silent twins into their crib. 'When?'

'Soon, soon, don't worry yourself Persephone.'

She gritted her teeth. 'More to the point, _where_ will he go once he's released?'

'Ah, now this was where the entire Council agreed with me. Whilst they were rather concerned at Father's…eccentricities, they were all in agreement that under his rule, the mortals benefited the most.'

'And his kids were the main course.' Hades rubbed his temples. It was now official: Zeus had gone completely gaga.

Zeus ignored the interruption. 'As such, we all feel that he should be placed with the mortals that remember him the most.'

Hades's eyes widened. Cronus had ruled during the Golden Age of mankind, when men were obnoxious and perfect, but still mortal. After they had snuffed it due to women sort of not existing at the time, they had been given the…

No.  
Nononononononononono.  
No.

This was so unfair that there wasn't a word available to describe the unfairness of the situation.

Zeus smiled beautifically.

'Father can stay with his own mortals in the Elysian Fields.' (3)

* * *

TBC

(1) Erm, remember the mechanics of how Cronus overthrew Uranus? Uranus wasn't the first god who calmed down after a few vital parts had been removed.

(2) The prototype of this list used to be taped up in my kitchen at home. It was more along the lines of instructions for when Mum is in absentia; requests for me not to get hair-dye on the bath towels and orders not to let Dad near the stove.

(3) The release of Cronus isn't well documented, but according to myth, it did happen. A few eons after Cronus had been imprisoned by the Olympic gods, Zeus finally forgave his father and released him to act as ruler of the Elysian Fields.

* * *

Hades: You're doing this to me on purpose.

Melora: I wanted to see what I could do with this myth. Seems to be working well so far.

Hades: Traumatising me for eternity, yeah, really working…

Melora: What are you moaning about? You already _know_ what's gonna happen next.

Hades: I feel the need to extract some sympathy from outside sources.


	46. Chapter 46: Fathers and Flaming Birdies

A/N: No more reviews ordering me to update faster, ok? Oddly enough, I do have to put some effort into real life. It's a bitch, but that's life for you.

* * *

**Glinda**: Look at it this way. If I have the time to update, then I obviously have the time to go out and have fun for a bit…anyone feel like a night out?

**Dglsprincess105**: I think Rhea's gonna have enough problems just coping with the issue of Zeus releasing his father from eternal torment. Eternity's just not as long as it used to be…

**No need to know**: I think Hades was hoping that Father's Day wouldn't be an issue. Fat chance.

**Bloodyvixen**: Stupidity is rampant when you have a small gene pool. And as for Rhea's reaction to the whole thing…read on.

**Silky**: So many people like Bremos it's scary. Glad you like!

**Bob**: Updates vary on how much work I have, how much sleep I get, and how many illnesses I get. Have flu at the moment, so more updates should be coming soon. Enjoy!

**Worldtraveler**: The original myth states that Zeus was the one who released Cronus. From what I dug up in the myths, Cronus was actually a fairly decent guy; he was a good ruler, he did what his mother told him, and he did look after the mortals of his time. It was just the whole parenthood thing issue that made him a teensy bit psycho. Poor wee love.

**Insensitive Prat**: Like the name! Ok, we have a big fat dose of parental dislike from certain quarters (should be worth a giggle), a dog musing on how to get a proper pup, and a bunch of teenaged gods who can't think two minutes ahead let alone actually do any of their godly duties. Doubt there's gonna be any sudden births during that lot.

**Andivari**: I intend to have some fun with this. Cronus's character has been in development for quite some time, so hope everyone likes him! Or at least gets a cheap laugh out of the whole thing. And as for his sons…they have NO idea.

**Silverrain2**: Asclepius will still be able to visit his mom. Not even Cronus can do anything about that. And yep, Zeus complete berk in my opinion.

**Shego2Drakken**: Hey, another Red Dwarf fan! Glad you're enjoying it so far!

**YunCyn**: Comment all you want on Zeus. He never really understood why Prometheus liked humanity anyway.

**Firebird234**: Anyone who thinks Rhea will take the news well, raise your hands.

**Miyoko Rikuri**: Long time no see babes! Nice to know that other families have House Rules as well as mine. Bremos is trying to go for said look, but personally, I think he's a bit more Rebel Without A Clue.

**Megumi, the Absconding One**: Heh. I keep griping myself about how no-one on my Favourites list updates, then I realise I'm not much better.

**Damian**: I have plans for how the twins are going to annoy, pester and otherwise get up the nose of their favourite big brother. And Cronus will be a fairly regular feature in the Underworld after this.

**Lirenel**: Updated!

**Dr. Thinker**: I think at the moment, Hades is totally justified in complaining that nothing nice ever happens to him.

**Rainne**: Indeed. And several hundred centuries of living alone in a big cave can do funny things to a Titan...

**Nie Starwhistler**: Don't forget the Po-po torture!

* * *

Hades: Good, someone else gets to suffer along with me.

Melora: Is it possible for you to stop thinking about yourself for one minute?

Hades: Pot and kettle mean anything to ya, babe?

Melora: You are deeply annoying when you turn perceptive.

Hades: You're deeply annoying, period.

* * *

Disclaimer: Mine - any characters that didn't turn up in the cartoon or movie. Disney's - everything else.

/.../ denotes thoughts

/_Italics_/ denotes canine communication

* * *

**I Won't Say It: Part 46**

* * *

Ow.

Again, ow.

Ok, lying down. That was something. Clearly horizontal.

Horizontal and deeply uncomfortable, so that meant the floor was in some way involved.

The floor was involved because…because he'd heard something that was a wee bit of a shock to the system. Then he'd clearly done what seemed to be the only sane thing to do and black out for a bit.

The reason for fainting like a big sissy was still a tad foggy though.

Said reason had to be pretty damn excruciating for this to happen…

…Something too excruciating to even contemplate or accurately describe with what mortals called language.

That sounded worryingly right.

Something about the Elysian Fields…

And Cronus…

Hades's eyes shot open as he made what he deemed a rather abrupt and unwelcome return to consciousness.

/Dad being released.  
Dad being released into Elysian Fields.  
Dad _ruling_ Elysian Fields.

Someone obviously hates me and the smart money's on Zeusy-Boy./

* * *

Empathy was so much harder than it looked.

Zeus frowned in consternation. He was honestly trying to understand his little brother's reaction to his plan, but to be frank, he couldn't see any problems with it. This was clearly one of his greatest ideas yet, even better than the little vengeance plan he'd wreaked on humanity all those millennia ago.

Then again, the mortals hadn't exactly been grateful when Pandora had opened the box of all the evils, but that was women for you. Couldn't be relied on to do anything right. (1) It seemed like Hades was about to show the same amount of gratitude towards his elder brother as the mortals had done.

'Why on earth should this come as a shock to you, little brother? You must have noticed that Father's become far more manageable than he was in the past.'

The thunder god settled back onto his recently summoned cloudbank, shuddered at the horrible little grey…thing now floating by Persephone's side, and gave what he thought was an understanding smile to his younger brother.

Hades glared at him from the safety of his throne. 'I don't make a habit of visiting Dad, but if the cannibalism thing's what _you_ call 'manageable', then yeah, he's doing just dandy.'

'Honestly, Father was under pressure at the time. I quite understand what he must have gone through.'

The goddess of rebirth rolled her eyes. 'Speaketh the god who turned his first wife into an hors d'eouvre.'

'I thought we all agreed not to mention that unfortunate incident, my _dear_.'

Persephone and Despair smirked at each other. /Score one for the Underworld./

'Now really, we have to make the arrangements for Father's release. And the mortals will have to be told, as will your…subjects.'

''Scuse me. _We_?'

'Well, yes. It is your domain after all. You should be the one to tell the mortals the good news.'

'Forget it bro. I do my own dirty work, not yours.'

'Hades…'

'_Forget it._'

Zeus sighed. Oh well. To be honest, he had expected some resistance from Hades. He had never seemed to get on particularly well with Father for some reason, so perhaps informing the mortals was best left for him to deal with himself.

It did mean obviously a little extra work, what with informing some of the gods in absentia, contacting the other pantheons, locating a few of the Titans and…

Oh dear.

Titans.

Relatives.

Parents.

Specifically, one parent.

And specifically…Mother.

Now here was a bit of a snag.

Rhea didn't seem to be in any mood other than to lecture him and Po-po the last time they had met. At the same time, she had been utterly preoccupied with Persephone for some reason. And obviously, Hades was her favourite, so he could do no wrong…

Wait.

_Wait_.

What if…

Now _there_ was an idea. His little brother surely wouldn't mind doing _that_.

'Well, if you insist…I'll inform the mortals and the other pantheons. But I just thought of something you can do to help me out.'

'What's it worth?'

Zeus's already thin patience was starting to fray at the edges. 'Does _everything_ have to turn into a negotiation with you?'

'Hey, lawyers invoke me, and I learn fast. Deal with it.'

'Then deal with this, _little brother_; you are going to be the one to give Mother the good news.'

* * *

For the second time in ten minutes, Hades was rendered speechless.

Persephone used a rather choice little phrase that her eldest son would have been proud of.

Despair rested her hands on her hips, neatly giving Zeus the evil eye.

'Mummy always said you were stupid.'

* * *

Cerberus was worried.  
Very, very worried.

Even more worried than the time he had had a little accident in the palace and tried to bury it.

There were things, to his mind, that were either right, or just very, very wrong. Mummy Echidna had taught him all about these things when he was just a little pup.

Being best friends with Anubis was right.  
Wanting a pup of his own seemed to be right.  
Looking after his masters' pups was definitely right.

A birdie being on fire though…that was wrong.

The giant dog knew that his masters and the pups had flames for fur, but the fire didn't seem to hurt them at all. Master Bremos actually seemed to like his flames.

Something about them being 'easy-maintenance.'

But birdies…

He'd never heard of a birdie that had flames instead of feathers. And the way that it was squawking and tweeting…it sounded like the birdie was hurting!

Cerberus whined and sniffed anxiously at the elegant red and gold plumed bird.

If the birdie was on fire and it was hurting, then he would have to find some water to put out the fire! Water _always_ put out fire!

Until then, he did the only thing he could think of to help the birdie's pain.

* * *

Fifteen minutes, four meters and a toilet stop inside the boundaries of the Egyptian Underworld, and the Grecian guard-dog of the Dead had just drooled over the most sacred bird in the Egyptian bestiary.

The jackal-headed god quietly covered his eyes and wished he was somewhere else.

Anywhere else.

/_Anubis?_/

The god risked a glance. /_Where's the benu?_/ (2)

Cerberus looked confused. /_What's a benu?_/

Anubis risked a glance. No sign of the bird, not even a single flaming feather…

He knew this bird. It was confrontational. It was irrational.

It didn't like its plumage getting soggy.

And it always made the point clear with a hissy fit to upstage all hissy fits.

Bit weird it hadn't stuck around for that.

Unless…

Oh _crap_.

/_Ra is going to kill me, then eat me._/

/_What's wrong?_/

/_Cerberus, drop the benu. Now!!_/

Slightly miffed at being told not to help the birdie, Cerberus opened his mouth and politely spat out the benu onto the sandstone. The flamed bird ruffled its feathers in a redundant attempt to remove the drool, the turned a four-alarm glare on Anubis.

'And what ith the meaning of thith, hmmm?' (3)

Anubis tried not to cringe. There was nothing more irritating than a stupidly named phoenix with its feathers in a twist.

'What can I say? The big guy here got dropped on his heads as a pup.' (4)

The benu didn't let down its glare for a second. 'I am a thacred animal and I detherve to be treated with a little rethpect.'

'And I'm trying to do the respect thing. Really.' The jackal-headed god rolled his eyes and glanced back at his highly confused companion.

/_I preferred this bird's last incarnation. At least you got the odd laugh out of it._/

Cerberus frowned. /_What's an incarnation?_/

/_Cerberus?_/

/_Yes?_/

/_Lie down before you hurt yourself._/ Anubis turned his attention back to the irate bird and attempted an ingratiating grin.

'Look, this was an honest mistake on the part of my associate here. Whaddya say we go our separate ways and pretend this never happened?'

The benu narrowed its eyes. 'Do you have any idea long it takeths to cultivate thuch thtunning plumage?'

'Does an honest answer matter here?'

'Three hundred yearth! Three hundred yearth to cultivate my featherth and thith…thith…IMBETHILE ruinths them!'

'Okaaaaaaay…we're leaving now.' Anubis nudged Cerberus's leg and hopped onto his friend's back.

The benu took to the air and headed towards the tunnels leading to Heliopolis. 'You may laugh now Anubith, but I will have my vengeanth!!'

'Yeah, you do that…'

/_…You glorified celestial chicken._/

* * *

One thing was still bothering Cerberus. Quite apart from a birdie being so rude to him and his best friend.

/_Anubis?_/

/_Hmmm?_/

/_What does sacred mean?_/

* * *

The god of the undead turned his attention back to the cupboards and resumed his hoarding mission. By his best calculations, there were enough supplies here to keep him holed up in his room for at least a week, or however long it would take for his parents to find him.

Or at least until Despair tried to clean his room, whichever happened first.

Zeus's announcement of the release of one of the most vicious and psychopathic gods ever to grace Gaia with his presence had been made about an hour ago on the surface. To his classmates, it sounded like the end of life as most of the mortals knew it.

In Bremos's view, it just sounded like his beloved uncle had been hitting the nectar a little too hard.

At the moment, the severe lack of noise coming from the throne-room was making him more than slightly nervous. Either his mother had intervened in the middle of one of Hades's most spectacular rages ever, and had, by some miracle, managed to calm his father down to a mass of seething hatred, or…

The alternative option was what had made him panic.

Dad.  
Peeved Dad.  
Peeved Dad wanting vengeance.  
Peeved Dad wanting vengeance against Uncle Zeus.  
Peeved Dad wanting vengeance against Uncle Zeus and cunningly dragging his eldest son into plans for the wreaking of said vengeance.

Very, very bad.

And equally exhausting.

Hence his support for the 'cower-under-the-pile-of-three-week-old-laundry in-the-wardrobe-like-a-big-wuss-for-as-long-as-inhumanly-possible' option.

* * *

'Other deities here need to eat as well, hun.'

The god of the undead didn't bother turning at the sound of his mother's voice. Putting food and distance between him and his father was what mattered at the moment.

Persephone sighed and shifted Lakchos from one shoulder to the other. 'I take it you've heard what our great and beloved idiot of a king wants to inflict on us, then.'

'Duh.'

The goddess of rebirth aimed a Look at the back of her eldest son's head. 'You'd really consider abandoning your father in his hour of scheming?'

Bremos paused in his hoarding efforts and fixed his mother with what he considered to be a steely, dignified and rational glare of complete panic.

'I choose to answer that question with a vehement 'hell yes'.'

Persephone tried not to smile as her eldest wrapped one arm around his food-pile and disapparated. While he was her eldest son, and she loved him dearly, there were occasional moments when Bremos unquestionably proved that self-delusion was hereditary.

Especially when it came to avoiding his father when he was in a mood.

Cuddling her youngest son closer to her, she looked down and let a small giggle escape as she registered the expression on his face. Lakchos was staring at the spot where his older brother had been standing, a look of amazement on his little face.

'You want to be able to do that as well, don't you sweetie?'

Lakchos gurgled happily and raised a chubby arm at a point somewhere over his mother's shoulder. Persephone raised an eyebrow as she heard flames crackling behind her.

'Want to go and see if Daddy's stopped plotting against Uncle Zeus?'

The retort from Hades was pretty much what she had expected. 'Who says I'm plotting against Thunderboy?'

'You get predictable when you get peeved.'

A glance at her husband quickly revealed an unusual lack of daughter. 'Where's Chaos?'

Hades looked mildly offended. 'The impette's got her. Said swearing like an Argonaut wasn't good for the kid, or so 'Mummy' said. Where's the brat?'

Persephone tried to keep a nonchalant look on her face. 'If you're trying to rope him into any kind of plot against your brother, forget it.'

'Gave up on Zeus. And since he wants me to break the news to Mom, Bremos's presence is needed for my self-preservation.'

'Self-preservation against what?'

'…My mom?'

Persephone winced as she remembered the volume of the maternal lecture to end all maternal lectures. Rhea in a mood was not something that any deity particularly relished.

'And you're prepared to have your own offspring subjected to your mother's temper?'

'Hey, if I get screamed at, someone else, specifically the brat, can suffer right along with me. So…where's he hiding?'

The goddess of rebirth shifted her son in her arms and quickly considered the request from all angles. Her maternal instinct stated that her eldest would be hiding somewhere in his bedroom along with a pile of food and the still-broken helm of invisibility.

Family loyalty stated that she should keep Bremos's location a secret.

Common sense stated that if both Hades and Bremos were out getting screamed at by the goddess of fertility, at least she would get an hour with her feet up if Despair looked after the twins.

No contest really.

Didn't mean she wasn't going to extract a little mileage out of this situation though.

She smirked up at Hades and managed to pull his head down to meet hers. 'I _might_ know…but I was hoping you could wheedle it out of me first.'

The Lord of the Dead smirked as he closed his eyes and gently nuzzled his wife's cheek before planting a quick kiss on his son's head. 'Tempting, but nope. Back to the earlier question; the brat is currently…where?'

/...What the hell./ 'Well…out of respect for Bremos, I'm not about to say where he is. However…'

Her smirk grew steadily wider.

'The helm of invisibility should be somewhere at the bottom of your son's wardrobe.'

A serpentine grin slid across Hades's face. 'Gotcha.'

* * *

'Why do I have to be here? I'm gonna be scarred for life because of you. Just cos you're scared of Grandma doesn't mean I have to get a psychological complex as well.'

Hades just about managed not to gag his son. Just.

'Think of it as a learning experience.'

Bremos stared at his father as they stood in the throne-room of Rhea's palace. 'Learning experience how?'

'Learning experience as in Family Guidance 101; How not to tell a Titaness that the god of time, who happens to have the mental capacity of a cabbage, is being released.'

'I may have skipped out on that one.'

* * *

'Who's being released?'

Hades's face turned a very interesting shade of green. Bremos tried to sidle behind a pillar without much luck.

'Mom, hi, how's the domain, getting enough tributes lately?'

Rhea's eyes narrowed as she settled into her throne, Panthera and Leo stretching out at her feet. 'Hades.'

'Mom?'

'What have you done?' The tone in her voice spoke of death, destruction, and very bad things. Most of which, Hades knew from experience, would be aimed at him unless he just said whatever he had to say very quickly and duck before the fireworks started.

/Zeusy-Boy _owes_ me for this…/ The Lord of the Dead glanced at his son and made a brief hand gesture to stand beside him in a time of need.

Bremos made the corresponding hand gesture which clearly signified that said event would happen only when the Phlegethon froze over.

Gritting his teeth and sending a few cruel thoughts in the general direction of his offspring, Hades took a deep breath and decided to get the worst over with.

'Dad's getting released from Tartarus. Zeus's orders.'

Both of the underworld gods clamped their eyes shut and stuck their fingers in their ears in fearful anticipation.

They weren't disappointed.

* * *

'**_WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!?_**'

Bremos was almost certain the earth was shaking.

'**_YOU'RE TELLING ME THAT YOUR _IDIOT_ OF AN OLDER BROTHER IS LETTING YOUR FATHER OUT OF TARTARUS AFTER WHAT HE DID TO YOU AND PO-PO!?_**'

Hades was now completely certain that someone on Olympus hated him.

'**_ZEUS KNOWS EXACTLY WHAT CRONUS DID TO OUR FAMILY, AND HE WANTS HIM FREED AND READY TO WREAK HAVOC AGAIN!?_**'

His mother's face was now bearing an interesting resemblance to a tomato.

A very peeved tomato at that.

The Lord of the Dead decided to risk removing his fingers from his ears.

'Er…'

Rhea glared at him. 'And why didn't you say something to him?'

Hades opted for whining like a baby in his defence. '_Mooooom_, I _diiiiid_. You know what Zeus gets like when he's had an idea.'

Panthera glanced at her mate, fairly certain that most of the shouting was finished. 'Unutterably stupid, obviously.'

Leo shook his head in an attempt to halt the ringing in his ears. 'More so than normal. Releasing Cronus has to be a new low.'

* * *

The goddess of fertility sank back in her throne and covered her face with her hands. The Fates clearly hadn't assigned Zeus much in the way of common sense when they had spun his thread of life. Releasing Cronus…

Losing Poseidon and Hades to their father's insanity and stomach at birth had almost driven Rhea insane herself. Knowing that Zeus was still unharmed and being raised by Uranus and Gaia had been the only thing which had kept her sane. Getting her sons back and losing her husband had been a fair trade at the time.

And now her eldest son was trying to upset the cosmos just as Uranus and Cronus had done before him.

She groaned. Sanity didn't appear to run in the males in her family.

'Wonderful. Just wonderful.'

'Hey, we're just the messengers here, Mom.'

One thing suddenly occurred to the goddess. Even Zeus, incompetent as he was, wouldn't let Cronus out of Tartarus unless there was somewhere that the Titan would be relatively safe and/or out of sight of his sons.

'So tell me then; where exactly is your brother intending to let your father stay once he's released?'

Hades suddenly found the mosaic floor beneath his feet to be an object of great interest. Bremos nudged him in the side, a look of curiosity on his face.

'Daaaaaad.'

'What?'

'Where's Grandpa meant to be living once he gets out, anyway?'

Rhea fixed a steely gaze on her youngest son.

'Eh…'

'Don't 'eh…' me, young man. Where. Is. Your. Father. Going. To. Be. Staying?'

Hades groaned. Bremos instantly recognised the look on his father's face and jammed his fingers back in his ears.

'Well?'

'Ummm…the Elysian Fields?'

* * *

A few hundred miles south and underground, Cerberus's six ears pricked up as he heard a strange sound, very much like a lady's scream, echoing through the caves of the Egyptian Underworld.

/_Anubis?_/

/_Hmmm?_/

/_What's that funny sound?_/

The jackal-headed god cocked his head in the general direction of the sound. /Best guess? Someone up north's in very deep doo-doo./

/_Ooooh._/ The giant guard-dog continued his walk towards the City of the Dead, Anubis once again settled on his friend's back, picking his teeth clean with his ankh.

/_Anubis?_/

/_What now?_/

Cerberus's eyes gleamed. /_I smell kitties…_/

* * *

TBC

(1) The phrase 'politically incorrect' was coined the instant Zeus hit puberty.

(2) In Egyptian mythology, the benu was the sacred sunbird or phoenix of Heliopolis, and the symbol of the sun-god and King of the gods, Ra. Put simply, it's a phoenix with an ego problem.

(3) OK, it's a phoenix with an ego problem and a badly written lisp.

(4) Anubis is capable of both canine and human speech. Admittedly in some cases, there ain't much difference between the two…

* * *

Hades: Way to lay on the emotional torment.

Melora: It's only for a bit longer.

Hades: How many times have you said that now?

Melora: Too many to count. I just like traumatizing you.

Hades: That much is totally obvious.


	47. Chapter 47: Kitty hunting and Cronus

A/N: Everyone, please see the second author's note as to why this chapter took seven months to write…

* * *

**Demonkitty2007**: Family Torture 101 is always fun to write. Thanks for the support!

**Damien Darkstar**: Already got some stuff in the wings for Nike and Bremos…and thank you!

**LightningFuryStrike13**: I'm trying to avoid the minor details like incest. Anyway, this is Disney-mythology fusion so liberties have been taken. Aphrodite…since she was formed by the blood of Uranus, I'd call her a sister to the Titans, and therefore Hades's aunt.

**The Sabbit**: Half an hour a day limit on the internet? That's just cruel.

**Killinjoke**: Awesome? Um, thank you!

**Insensitive Prat**: I like Anubis, he's pretty easy to write. Cronus was a pretty decent guy by most accounts; it was just fatherhood that proved to be a bit of a problem. Don't worry, I'd've been burned myself since I agree!

**Keo Siph**: Fair call on descriptions of the gods, even my mum says I need to improve on them, so I will try my best! Pasts may be a bit trickier, but again, I'll try my best. Agony and Torment both got described in Ch.22. As for Hermes…keep reading!

**The Maine Coon Cat**: Love the name!

**Shego2Drakken**: Yep, did spoof Timon's line, good call! And yes, Nathan Lane really is Anubis.

**Rikkirye**: Zeus was never known for his brains. Glad you like the Underworld family!

**Cathy**: Thank you! And as for chewing out…keep reading.

**Novablaster**: No kidding. The Norse and Egyptian pantheons had heard it just as the invites came through. And I doubt Hades' hearing will ever be the same again.

**Dglsprincess15**: Cerberus is just a big cuddly puppy at heart. Hades is cheesed off because he's stuck in the Underworld and hated by most of the gods for his rather minor indiscretions, while his father, not a saint by any definition, gets to go free, is allowed to leave the Elysian Fields any time he wants, and gets to rule the Elysian Fields where Hades isn't allowed to enter. Wouldn't you be pissed if that happened to you?

**Lirenel**: You have no idea.

**Bloodyvixen**: Have indeed watched the cartoon series. Cronus…looks rather like Sean Connery with a kitan. Hope that clears up a few questions!

**The White mask**: I have an Uber-fic? Wow. Thank you!

**Silverrain2**: There is still more to come…I hope!

**YunCyn**: The benu is a creation I'm rather proud of. And all the waiting is over!

**Rainne**: Yep, huge Terry Pratchett fan here! Love Death and Death of Rats, in case it wasn't slightly obvious!

**Metal Dragon 1**: Indeed, they would (and do) get on rather well. As for Hades…it's not as bad as he thinks it'll be…

**Steph Silverstar**: Thank you!

**MoM6**: Glad you approve!

* * *

Hades: Ok, Ra gets the sacred bird. How come I don't get sacred anything?

Melora: You get sacred trees. That's a start.

Hades: Not impressed. Keep going.

Melora: All the wealth under Earth. That's about it.

Hades: Trees and a bunch of shiny rocks. That's the best you can come up with?

Melora: Hey, complain to the dead Greek guys, not me.

* * *

Disclaimer: I'm not listing all my own characters here since it takes forever, but what I own is mine, and what I don't own is Disney's.

/.../ denotes thoughts

/_Italics_/ denotes canine communication.

-...- denotes baby communication.

* * *

**I Won't Say It: Part 47**

* * *

Modern architecture is a bit like a super-deluxe expresso machine. A lot of shiny twisty bits and people going 'ooh' and 'aah' over it, but no-one's ever actually sure what it's meant to do in the first place.

The City of the Dead fell broadly under this category.

Located several hundred miles under the earth's surface, the city was filled with crumbling and shadowed passages, sarcophagi, bandages, limbs, little messes left by Ammit, the Devourer of Souls…all contained within a very interesting triangular-shaped structure.

In Anubis's opinion, the entire thing was a perfect example of why you should never let your father hire the soul of a deceased architect with a penchant for modern design to do the conceptual drawings for the ultimate resting place of the dead.

On the plus side, the numerous passage-ways and crawlspaces made the City an excellent place for a spot of kitty-hunting.

Which was what the god of the Egyptian dead and the three-headed guardian of the Grecian underworld had been doing for the last three days.

Sort of.

* * *

Kitty-hunting had always proven to be a bit taxing on his brains, but Cerberus had never let that bother him before. Three days of hunting through the City had turned up nothing but a few very odd smells.

Cerberus let out a little snort. As far as he was concerned, Anubis's kitty sister was just being extra tricksey. That was something you had to be careful about, when you were kitty-hunting. Several failed attempts at stalking the Nemean Lion and the pretty lady Rhea's kitties attested to that.

So that would mean…he would have to be extra-clever when trying to catch her!

Hmmm…

Except Despair wasn't here to do his extra-clever thinking for him. When he did it himself, it just made his brains hurt.

Undaunted, Cerberus sniffed at the air, hoping that maybe now he would be able to smell where the kitties were hiding. Anubis's palace was far bigger than his masters' palace, so kitty-hunting wasn't quite as easy to do, but it was so much fun!

But something smelled a little out of place.

There was one scent, a lady kitty scent, but there seemed to be…one more scent, and another scent…and another scent!

That made…

Cerberus screwed up all six eyes in immense concentration.

That made…three!!

Three scents!!

And he was _fairly_ sure that he had the same number of heads, so…

Three heads and three scents…

Each head could hunt one scent each!!

Cerberus was rather proud of himself for thinking of this.

* * *

Anubis groaned as his own nostrils registered the extra scents. Recognising Bast's scent was second nature to him, but the other three…

The owners of the aforementioned scents came to him in a rather unpleasant flash.

Nefertem, Imhotep and Maa'hes.

Great. A three pronged attack by his own nephews.

Once he found out who had decided to inform his sister of their little adventure, he was going to make certain that he/she/it was going to find him/her/itself the victim of an unfortunate embalming accident at the bottom of the Nile.

Hey, it worked for Uncle Set.

* * *

Parchment and tablets were strewn across the desk, with a prominent scroll on top of a pile of fabric swatches, maps, inventories and sample menu designs.

The petite grey impette ran a pointed finger down her to-do list.

The dining arrangements were causing a few minor headaches at the moment.

Running buffet?  
No. Bacchus would be present.

Formal dining arrangements with full waiting service?  
No. Her brothers' waiting skills were best left to the imagination. Or a children's party.

Informal banqueting style, with various deities helping themselves to the menu on offer?  
Hmmm. Now that showed some promise. It would at least allow some members of the pantheon (mentioning no names, but obviously Zeus) to learn a few lessons about sharing and table manners.

Plus, she had a very reliable contact in Cherub Resources who had guaranteed twenty of Cupid's little helpers at the palace doors in fifteen minutes should a (highly unlikely, but possible) dining crisis occur.

Next…tableware. Simple enough; best plates and cutlery, with a contingency mess plan in place if an incident involving Ares, Athena, a trifle, and a bucket of sand occurred like at the last pantheon banquet.

Floral arrangements were already provided, courtesy of a deeply unimpressed Lady Persephone. Despite all of the goddess's complaints, she had outdone herself on the design and presentation of the various decorative foliage.

The impette had chosen not to ask why said decorative foliage included foxgloves, hellebore, belladonna, and poison ivy.

A playpen and changing facilities would also have to be set up near enough to the banqueting area, but at a suitable distance from the Pit of Cronus so that, should the god of time decide he was a little peckish, various parents would be able to collect their offspring and make what was colloquially known as 'a run for it'.

The impette ticked off a number of items on her to-do scroll and sighed contentedly.

Despair was in her element.

When she was just a little imp, Mummy Echidna had taught her that any function involving the rewarding, punishment or release of a god, especially one of Cronus's stature, was to be planned out and orchestrated to the best of her (rather considerable) abilities.

Even if said function had been decreed by a god who had less common sense than a piece of broccoli.

She sighed again. Much as it was fun to contemplate Zeus's complete idiocy with regards to the rest of the world, there was still the little matter of table placement to sort out.

And for that, she would need her two favourite, if rather whiny, errand boys.

'Master Hades! Master Bremos!'

* * *

Inside the palace of the Asphodel Fields, the Lord of the Dead and the Prince of the Underworld both groaned as they heard Despair's voice.

Both of them had learned to dread the call of the petite impette after the first two minutes, partly because it would involve actual physical labour no matter what the task, but mostly because she would glare at both of them no matter what they did.

Hades dragged himself into a sitting position against a table. 'What now?'

'The placement needs to be rearranged.'

Bremos raised his head off the table he and his father had just been forced to lug through the hall and attempted to force his eyes open. 'Translation?'

His father was currently trying not to keel out of his chair onto the marble floor. 'Move the seats round until the impette thinks every god and his ego can fit round a table.'

'And _how_ do you know that?'

'Demeter. Series of lectures. _Were_ repressed memories until now.'

Despair's voice echoed through the palace. 'Mummy says it's not very polite to talk about other people behind their backs.'

Hades rolled his eyes and glared at the impette's back. 'And did 'Mummy' ever say anything about not ordering your employers round like a pair of two-bit demi gods?'

The impette didn't bother turning around. 'Mummy might have said that, but Lady Persephone and Lady Rhea said that the two of you would only be too happy to assist me in preparing for the party. Immediately.'

Bremos groaned again. 'I think someone hates us.'

'I _know_ someone hates us. Or at least seems to think we do part-time servitude on 'request'.' Hades managed to haul himself off his chair after a few half-hearted attempts.

The god of the undead groaned and started dragging himself towards the pile of chairs and tables stacked in the corner. 'Why do we have to do this anyway? I don't remember a sign-up sheet. Or a vote.'

Hades tried to mentally block his son's whinging and failed. 'Newsflash brat. The impette forwarded the proposal, Mom and Seph seconded and thirded, and we got the motion carried.'

'Nice. And I'm guessing that's the reasoning behind why I have to give up my portion of the Underworld for no other reason than to make Uncle Zeus look like an even bigger idiot than he can normally manage.'

'Nah, blame Zeus entirely for that one. Said something about 'the collective deceased should be able to enjoy this grand occasion as much as we deities'.'

Bremos's face scrunched up in distaste. 'Basically, the assembled pantheon and stiffs are gonna enjoy this about as much as getting holes through their collective heads.'

His father nodded. 'Democracy's got a lot to answer for.'

* * *

Rhea smiled as she glanced over at her daughter-in-law, currently feeding Lakchos and leaning comfortably back in her chair.

'I'm guessing there's not a great deal of support for feeding time when it concerns these two?'

Persephone rolled her eyes. 'Hades has still to latch onto the fact that leering at me when I'm trying to feed these two isn't exactly productive to either a healthy working or romantic relationship.'

'And Bremos?'

''Urgh' and 'Please tell me I didn't do that when I was a baby' were the phrases of choice.'

The goddess of fertility sighed and repressed a giggle. 'And despite their function, men still don't get put off the idea of breasts. I think it's something to do with envy.'

'And testosterone.'

'That too.'

Extracting her grandson from Persephone's arms, Rhea settled Lakchos against her shoulder and started rubbing his back. Lakchos happily started squirming as he felt the soreness in his tummy start to shift. A comfortable silence descended over the kitchen as Persephone settled Chaos against her chest and leaned back as her daughter started to feed.

* * *

Lakchos wriggled against his grandma's shoulder, enjoying the feeling of having a full belly. A little burp wormed its way up his throat, but luckily his lunch decided to stay where it was.

He liked listening to Mommy and Grandma Rhea talk, but over the last couple of days, the talks hadn't sounded very nice. Grandpa Cronus was going to have something done to him…released, that was the word he'd heard Mommy mention. Released sounded like a nice word, but from what Daddy had told him and Chaos, it didn't sound very nice when it was used in the same sentence as Grandpa Cronus.

Snuggling into her mother's chest, Chaos quickly started in on her lunch and hoped that Mommy and Grandma Rhea would start talking about Grandpa Cronus again. Daddy had told her and Lakchos a lot about the god of time, and she was getting curious.

Grandpa Cronus, from what she had learned over the past couple of days, had done a lot of bad things when he was king of the universe. Uncle Zeus had punished him by putting him in a big nasty cave, and had now decided Grandpa was to be freed. Daddy didn't like it, Mommy didn't like it, and Grandma Rhea really didn't like it.

But maybe Grandpa Cronus had learned his lesson, like Bremos did when he got in trouble.

So why were Mommy, Daddy and Grandma Rhea still so upset?

* * *

The goddess of rebirth raised an eyebrow and glanced over at her mother-in-law. Much had been discussed since Rhea had come to stay in the Underworld, but one thing that had never been touched on was how she truly felt about her husband's freedom.

'So what did Zeus say when you turned up on Olympus?'

Rhea sighed, removed Lakchos from her shoulder and wrapped him in his sleeping blanket. 'Nothing repeatable. But he did make it clear that nothing short of open war would prevent the ceremony from going ahead.'

'Think we could convince Ares to rustle something up?'

The older goddess smiled. 'It's tempting sweetheart…believe me, it's tempting.'

Persephone raised an eyebrow. 'So…you still want Cronus to stay where he is.'

'For the good of the pantheon, the mortals, the universe; yes. But for him…release may be the best thing for him. If only for what's rumoured to be left of his sanity.'

'And you'd be willing to accept his release _only_ for his sanity?'

Rhea sighed again. 'Not only for his sanity…I…I've missed him. A lot. Despite everything that happened between him and the children, there was always a little part of me that still loved him. For all his faults, he was a good husband. There was never a great deal of romance between us, but he looked after me, loved me…and I loved him.'

'You still do.'

The Titaness's face hardened. 'Maybe, but it's also the same part of me that hates both him and Uranus. Uranus for what he did to the Titans, for what he forced Cronus to do, and Cronus for being foolish enough to believe Uranus's rhetoric of immortality.'

'Do you think that he might have changed? After all those years in Tartarus?'

'I don't know, sweetheart. I really don't know.'

She shut her eyes for a second before turning her attention back to Lakchos.

* * *

Persephone let her eyes drop downwards to her three-week-old daughter, still suckling in her arms. Hades hadn't even been three minutes old before Cronus had swallowed him whole, and then as soon as he and Poseidon had been regurgitated, they had been involved in a war against the immortal throne.

And in spite of the lack of a decent father figure in his life, Hades had already proven himself to be a rather impressive father, albeit slightly baffled most of the time.

She shuddered and held her daughter closer. To lose a member of a family to the kind of insanity that had possessed the god of time…

Much as she was desperate to be able to empathise with the goddess of fertility, she didn't even want to think about what could have happened to her sons or her daughter if Hades had suffered from that madness.

If Cronus still suffered from his madness when he was released…

She didn't want to think about the consequences.

* * *

Green eyes narrowed as they stared out over the City of the Dead. A pair of furred, tawny coloured ears twitched as they picked up each sound echoing through the air. Elegantly clawwed, paw-like hands tapped against the balcony rails as she contemplated her findings and knowledge of the enemy and its capabilities.

Bast, goddess of the moon, one of the Eyes of Ra, and possessor of the alternate personality Sekhmet, goddess of war, sighed.

Her brother and that bloody three-headed hound of the Grecian Underworld were at it again.

Well, to give them credit, they were persistent.

In the same way Set had been persistent in trying to off her father.

She gazed out over the City again, eyes zooming in on a small pile of sarcophagi with three waving tails circling it.

Her sons had been sent out into the passageways about an hour ago and were making barely adequate progress so far. Nefertem as the eldest, felt the need to stop and wash his paws every few meters, and for the past five minutes had been taking a small post-bathtime nap. Imhotep, just hitting physical maturity (1), needed to stop every two minutes in order to fluff up his rather laughable excuse for a mane. Modesty wasn't one of his strong points.

And Maa'hes?

'Neffy!! 'Tep!! I can smell Unca 'Nubis!!'

Which said it all really. (2)

She smirked. Her sons were simply a decoy, a distraction for the main event. Anubis and Cerberus intended to track her down in a pathetic game of 'hunt-the-kitty', and then set about embarrassing her and/or attacking her.

Lucky for her then that a little birdie had told her of what was about to happen.

Well, medium-sized flamed-covered birdie at any rate.

* * *

'Mithtresth?'

The benu delicately landed on the side of the balcony, its hastily fashioned head-gear already tilting off at a precarious angle.

'What ith your requetht of me?'

Bast's green eyes narrowed as she heard a few random whimpers and howls coming from the City.

'Find Anubis and Cerberus, and…distract them as you see fit.'

'A dithtracthion…Would an aerial athsault be acctheptable, mithtresth?'

'Oh yes. Rather appropriate. And by the way, I _command_ you to fight dirty.'

The benu gulped as the lion-headed goddess started stroking the feathers along its neck with a claw. Despite its status as the sacred bird of Ra, it had a few little problems overcoming its natural paranoia of cats.

And fighting dirty…it was concerned that Bast could be making a (highly unlikely, though) mistake. Fighting dirty could prove a great risk to its plumage, especially with that…that three headed idiot around.

But no matter. Mistress Bast had issued a command, and it was duty-bound to obey.

The benu ruffled its feathers and took off, beady eyes gleaming maliciously as it flew in the last known direction of Anubis and Cerberus.

'Jutht you wait, Anubith…I will have my VENGEANTH!!'

It was going to enjoy this.

* * *

/_Anubis?_/

/_What?_/

/_I can smell something!!_/

Anubis groaned. This was the third time in as many hours Cerberus had smelt something, and each time he'd gotten it wrong. The first two occasions had been a rat colony and something in a heap of bandages that had looked (and tasted) more than slightly ripe.

Just for the hell of it, he raised his pointed nose and took a quick sniff of the air.

Ok, so Cerberus had been right. There was something there. Not a feline scent, but something familiar.

And annoyed.

And…smoky?

And…bugger, where'd it gone?

The god of the dead shrugged. Probably a rogue soul had gotten lost again. Well, at least Ammit would get to have a little fun today…eeesh.

He returned his nose to the ground and started trailing the last faint scent he had picked up before Cerberus's alarm.

This one he knew all too well.

Feline, female, and smug.

* * *

Unbeknownst to Anubis, Cerberus wasn't particularly focussed on tracking down the kitties at that precise moment in time.

The Grecian guard-dog of the dead had remembered why he liked these passages so much.

They had stories on them!

There were so many pretty pictures here that he was quite grateful that he had three heads.

Anubis had once told him that the walls throughout this bit of his home had stories painted on the walls, stories about his daddy Osiris, his Uncle Set and the creation of the Egyptian gods. From what he could tell from the pictures, Set had gotten very jealous of Osiris and decided to try and bury him alive, and when that hadn't worked, he had chopped poor Osiris up and threw the bits all over the world for Anubis's mummy Isis to find!

Cerberus frowned.

_Everyone_ knew that you only buried your dinner and your toys. You only buried your brothers or sisters if Mummy Echidna said it was alright. And you _never_ chopped up your brothers or sisters no matter how angry you got at them, because it just wasn't very nice.

Two pairs of red eyes happily stared at the walls while the third head was idly following a scent on the floor.

There was Osiris, lying on a rather nasty-looking bed, with Anubis's mummy Isis standing beside him, looking very sad and wrapping bandages around his feet. And there was Anubis, sticking what looked like a big metal hook into…

Cerberus let out a little 'wuff' of surprise.

Anubis was sticking a big nasty hook into his daddy's head! _That_ didn't look very nice!

Slightly worried now, the three-headed dog turned the corner, anxious to find out what happened next.

He saw Osiris sitting up on the nasty looking bed.

He saw a flash of red and gold.

And two sets of very sharp talons proceeded to dig into his back.

_Hard_.

* * *

Anubis whirled round at the sound of the howl and tore off through the passages. Cerberus was not a dog who made a noise about anything unimportant, and that howl didn't sound too pleasant.

Once he found out who or what had attacked his friend, he was going to make certain that they would find out exactly what mummification without death entailed.

His feet skidded on the sandstone as he belted round a corner and nearly removed a hefty portion of the story of Amun creating the world and his children.

Looking back later on, he would be more than slightly sorry that he hadn't removed it. (3)

The jackal-headed god's teeth were bared in a snarl as he rounded the final corner and raced towards the scene of the crime.

Cerberus had his back to his shorter friend, all three sets of fangs bared, all three heads snapping and snarling at a red and gold plumed bird wearing what appeared to be an upturned silver platter on its head, currently dive-bombing and cursing him in equal measure.

'Now Therberuth! Thsee what happenth when you fail to resthpect a thacred animal of my dithstinction!'

Fleetingly, Anubis wondered if anyone would _really_ mind if the benu had a small encounter with an unplanned Burning Day involving an oven and a sage and onion stuffing. Considering that it was already wearing what looked like an upturned silver platter on its head…well. He'd be doing everyone a favour.

He shrugged the thought away and charged at his friend, preparing to launch himself at the so-called sacred bird of Ra.

/_Cerberus!! Duck!!_/

Cerberus dropped his raging wolf act and glanced round. /_Ooooh, where?_/ (4)

Three things happened at that moment.

Anubis's eyes widened in horror as he worked out exactly what portion of his friend's anatomy he was going to collide with.

The benu, taking advantage of the confusion, started in on a rather vicious dive-bomb.

And three feline yowls erupted from somewhere near the ceiling as Nefertem, Imhotep and Maa'hes dropped from their crawlspace towards the avian and canine combatants.

* * *

Despair glanced up at the two deities approaching the entrance to the Asphodel Fields and cleared her throat.

'Ahem…Lord Coeus and Lady Phoebe!'

The two Titans nodded at her and quickly disappeared into the throng of assembled gods and goddesses, many of who were currently circulating around the hors d'ouevres, pretending that they actually wanted to be there, and studiously ignoring the furious whispered argument running between Rhea and Zeus.

The Egyptian and Nordic delegations were conspicuous by their absence. Both pantheons had collectively remembered a series of highly important meetings/wars/negotiations/luncheons that they simply had to attend and were unable to cancel.

And none of them had had the simple courtesy to RSVP.

Some deities really had no concept of civility. Mummy would not be impressed.

* * *

By and large, the Lord of the Waters didn't do social functions unless there was some serious bribery involved.

If it involved Hades, it normally required a monumental amount of bribery on the part of both his wife and Zeus.

And if it involved his father…

Poseidon rarely questioned his older brother's sanity, but this time…well. The words 'Cronus', 'release', and 'invitation to view' in the same sentence were not a combination he had ever wanted to hear.

Especially when the invitation had been extended to Amphitrite and his children.

'Now settle down sweetums, we're almost there. You can go and play with your little baby cousins, how does that sound?'

As always, Amphitrite, one of the fifty Nereids and queen of the seas, could make even certain doom sound like a cheery day under the sea. Her youngest child and only daughter Rhode was snuggled into her arms, while Proteus and Triton trailed miserably behind their father.

Amphitrite's comment was directed at her youngest son, currently being restrained by Poseidon and waving a very small trident dangerously near his father's face. Albion, god of mariners and god-in-training, glared at his mother in the way that only an irate two-year-old can manage.

'Not baby. Not play with babies.'

Poseidon rolled his eyes and brought his son's face level with his own glare. 'I'll just rephrase what your mother's saying. You _will _go and play with your cousins, and you _will_ behave yourself, boy.'

He turned the glare on his two eldest sons. 'And that goes for you two as well.'

Proteus opened his mouth to complain and was forcibly gagged by Triton.

'Mmph-_mmmmmmmmmmph_!!'

'Zip it, little bro. You really want Dad any more pissed than he already is?'

'Mmmph-mpph _mmmmh_ mmmph…_mmmmmmmh_.'

In Proteus' opinion, Triton really knew how to blow a good one-liner.

The shapeshifter's scowl disappeared fairly quickly as he recognised his Uncle Hades's weird little imp-girl thing.

'Ahem…Lord Poseidon, Lady Amphitrite, Masters Triton, Proteus and Albion, and Mistress Rhode.'

Despair made a little bow to the Lord and Lady of the Waters and their assorted offspring. 'Lord Poseidon, Lady Amphitrite; the children's playpen is just to the left of the dining area. Allow me to show you the way.'

Amphitrite beamed and quickly followed the petite imp as the rest of her family trailed behind her towards the rather spacious playpen.

* * *

Lakchos blinked and gurgled as he heard the sounds of the approaching gods. Mommy and Daddy had told him and Chaos that they would be sharing their playpen with their cousins.

What a cousin was, he wasn't entirely sure.

But anyway, they both had to be very well-behaved and be very nice.

'_No wanna go in with dumb babies!!_'

Lakchos pouted. Whoever this person was, _he_ wasn't about to be nice to them if they said he was dumb!

He watched, rather miffed, as his elder cousin was forcefully lowered in the playpen and dumped unceremoniously beside him. He didn't look so tough. Green fishie scales covered his skin, darker green hair flopped into his blue eyes, and his kitan was covered in what looked like squids and a lot of sand.

Albion gripped his trident hard and glared at Lakchos.

'Hate babies. Babies stupid. Me big boy. Me expor-er like Jason…'

He trailed off as he realised that he had an audience.

Lakchos glared right back. -So babies are stupid, are we?-

* * *

At the same moment, Chaos was busy ignoring the defiant mutterings of the irritated toddler and instead focussed on a bundle of blankets being held in the arms of the lady above.

Was that another baby? Like her and Lakchos?

A chuckle came out of the blankets and Chaos's eyes widened.

That was a girl's chuckle! Another girl to talk to!

She watched as the lady placed the blankets into the playpen and removed them from the new girl.

Chaos giggled.

This girl was a bit bigger than she was, but she looked very pretty. Light blue skin covered in fishie scales, green hair tied into bunches with strands of seaweed, a pretty white dress with little seashells printed on the hem, and green eyes to match her hair. She was clutching onto a siren dolly with one hand while sucking her thumb…

And she was staring right back at Chaos.

The little red goddess tried to smile the way she had seen her mommy do.

-…Hello. Who are you?-

The little blue goddess smiled back as she took her thumb out of her mouth and crawled over to the speaker.

-I'm Rhode. What's your name?-

* * *

_'Daaaaaad_?'

'What?'

'Can we go and hide under the stairs like sane people yet?'

Hades sighed and snagged a falafel from a passing tray. 'For the fifth time, no.'

Bremos upgraded from whining to grousing. 'So when can we? I'm bored and I don't wanna get eaten in the near future.'

Persephone rolled her eyes. 'You get to hide when I say so. Now keep your mouths shut and try to look perky.'

The god of the undead forced a smile onto his face.

It fell off in three seconds as he registered a rather large shadow approaching, with two smaller ones behind it.

Despair's eyes lit up in happiness. 'Ahem…Echidna, Mother of All Monsters…MUMMY!!'

Echidna's terrifying yet maternal features were spread in a wide smile as she hugged her youngest daughter. 'Despair, _darling_, how's Mama's special _baby_? Getting to be _nursemaid_ to Hades's little ones! Where _have_ those brothers of yours gone off to? I hope _they're_ helping with the little ones as well!!'

Persephone tried not to laugh. Echidna quickly registered the goddess's presence and wrapped her into a one armed hug. '_Sweetheart_, you're simply _glowing_! I hope those two _handsome_ men of yours are treating you alright!'

Bremos and Hades cringed.

'And _there_ they are! Hades, you old _rogue_, you! I never though _you_ of _all_ gods would be married with _such _a _wonderful_ family! And _Bremos!_ You just get more _handsome_ every time I see you!'

The goddess of rebirth intervened at that point. 'Echidna, care for a little something to tide you over?'

The Mother of All Monsters marched off towards the food tables arm in arm with her hostess. '_Darling_, you're too good to me, you know…'

* * *

Hades repressed a shudder. 'Well, that was…distinctly terrifying.'

'Not as bad as this is gonna be.' Bremos was staring at the entrance to the Asphodel Fields with a look of apprehension on his face.

Hades glanced up and squeaked.

Despair straightened herself and her list and cleared her throat again.

'Ahem…Lady Demeter and Lord Bacchus.'

Hades and Bremos both made their best attempts at ingratiating smiles.

Demeter glowered.

Bacchus…laughed.

'Demmy, sweetie, lay off 'em. They're doin' their best, babe!'

The goddess of the plants glared at her husband, and then turned a look that could wilt onto her son-in-law. 'Where is my daughter?'

In situations like this, there was only one thing you could do. Delegate.

'Brat, find your mother and take your grandma with you.'

'Thanks, _Dad_.' The two deities quickly disappeared down the steps and towards the rather obvious mass that was Echidna.

Bacchus quickly glanced round and sent a wide smile towards the grey impette. 'Heeeey, where's my favourite lil' imp lady babe?'

Despair…giggled. Much to Hades's horror.

'You've been lookin' after my lil' girl and my grandkids, haven't you sweetness?'

'Yes, Lord Bacchus, just as Mummy Echidna told me.'

The god of parties grinned. 'Hey, now what have I told you 'bout the 'Lord' thing? Just plain Bacchus for you, sweet pea. Your momma's one lucky lady to have a lil' babe like you. And so's my lil' girl.'

'Thank you…Bacchus.'

'See? Not that hard, was it? And here's a lil' somethin' from me to you. Just call it my personal thanks.' He handed a small fig-leaf wrapped package to Despair.

The impette's eyes lit up. 'Is this what I think it is?'

Bacchus proudly puffed his expansive chest up. 'Freshly made this morning. Baklava, just the way you like it, lil' sweetness.' (5)

Despair clutched the package to her chest and giggled again. 'Thank you!'

'Anything for anyone who's lookin' after my lil' girl. Now where's Demmy gone to…?'

The god of parties happily bounced off.

Hades blinked.

Now _that_…was disturbing.

* * *

Fifteen minutes of trying to placate his grandmother (or at least trying to hide from her) and attempting to avoid Nike's older brothers was not having a beneficial effect on Bremos's sanity.

Along with Nike, Proteus and Asclepius, he was skulking round the back of the palace of the Asphodel Fields and trying to avoid any immediate members of his family.

The fluttering of wings around shoulder height made Bremos glance upwards rather gratefully. 'Hey Hermes. You got any food?'

Armed with a stolen platter of cheese pastries, the messenger of the gods settled himself within the small group of teenaged deities, earning a few relieved grins as he did so.

'So what's happenin' in this corner of the cosmos, junior cats and queens?'

'Not a lot. Just trying to avoid the main event and pretend we're not here. Hyllus and the others got forced to mingle.' Asclepius happily shoved a pastry into his mouth.

'I gotta say, the Big Z's not made too groovy an order, but don't tell him I said so.'

Nike grinned. 'Trust me, we're not about to say anything other than possibly 'we told you so'.'

Hermes twirled his winged staff through his fingers. 'Can tell ya now, babe, a lotta the gods are making the same noises about this whole sitch.'

Proteus rolled his eyes. 'Most of the mortals as well. Ever since Uncle Zeus made the announcement, I've been getting chased round Greece by a bunch of priests begging me to See for them. I hate the gift of prophecy at times.'

'…Seen anything though?'

'Apart from 'don't eat the bean casserole on the food table', nada.'

'Good call babe.'

'**HerHUM!**' Zeus's voice echoed around the lands of the undead.

Bremos groaned and stood up. 'Oh joy.'

Hermes placed a sympathetic hand on his godson's shoulder. 'Hang in there kid. Five minutes of the speech thing, and then you can make with the terror and panic.'

Asclepius grimaced. 'Was that mean to be supportive?'

'Best I could manage babe. Let's just move on out and get this crazy sitch over with.'

* * *

The king of the gods gazed around contentedly at the assembled pantheon and smiled.

Wonderful, really. Justice had been served for so many centuries upon Father, and now he would finally be released. Obviously there had been a few concerns about Father's health, but that would be easily sorted out. After all, he, Zeus, was master of all! A trifling little detail like health was nothing in the grander scheme of things.

His smile wilted slightly under the glare of Mother. She hadn't taken this decision well at all. Kept raving about the dangers and how Hades and Po-po would cope and…honestly.

How on earth women ever got anything done when they could get so ridiculously emotional was beyond him.

Oh well, no matter. There was a speech to perform yet, and a Titan to release.

'**Welcome, gods, goddesses, and everything in-between.**'

In the back, Hermaphroditus glared. 'Thanks for that.'

'**Today we have gathered here to celebrate the release of the great god of time and former ruler of the cosmos, Lord Cronus. After one thousand years of imprisonment in Tartarus, this great god has finally served his penance to the gods of Olympus and as such, will finally be free to live among his beloved mortals in the Elysian Fields.**'

A smattering of half-hearted applause greeted Zeus's words. Sadly it didn't put him off.

'**I must first thank you all for taking time away from your duties to witness this monumental event, and personally thank my little brother Hades and his wife Persephone for so generously allowing us to assemble in their domain.**'

Persephone and Hades glanced at each other with slight incredulity.

Zeus beamed.

'**And now, everyone, please turn to the Pit of Cronus, from where our glorious former king will finally emerge!**'

The assembled pantheon turned their gaze to the great cave, newly revealed a few hundred yards away, the mouth of which was covered with a near blinding screen of thunder and fire.

Pain, Panic, Agony and Torment looked at each other, and as one, abandoned their waiting duties and dived under the food tables.

* * *

Zeus's smile disappeared as he concentrated and summoned up a ceremonial lightning-bolt. Cronus had been imprisoned by thunder, and now he would be freed by thunder.

The bolt flew towards the mouth of the cave.

An explosion of light blinded the entire pantheon for a few moments.

Smoke and steam billowed from the mouth of the cave.

Silence for a moment.

And then…

A tall, shambling figure could just be seen through the curtain of steam still pouring out from the cave.

Hades and Poseidon took one look at each other and stepped up towards their older brother.

A pale hand grasped the rocks and tensed slightly before the full figure of Cronus, son of Uranus and Gaea, the youngest of the Titans and the god of time stepped out of the cave.

* * *

Hades was the first to see that something was just a little…off.

It wasn't the knee-length beard and rather lanky grey hair.

It wasn't the still lean but muscled body.

It wasn't even the kitan covered in a strange purple, blue and white self-dyed design. Though admittedly, that was a bit weird.

It was his father's face.

More specifically, his eyes.

Blue, as always.

Bright as ever.

But there was no sign of malice, no glint of cruel intelligence.

Actually…there was no sign of pupils either.

Wait a sec.

He'd seen this before. The Oracle of Delphi had started to look like that after a vent got ruptured in the temple. (6)

Panicking slightly, he glanced upwards.

If his underground geography was right, Delphi was almost right over the Pit.

Oh _crap_.

The guy was…

Cronus blinked, stared down at his three sons, and burst into a wide, rather happy grin.

'Heeeeeyyyyy…lotsa little duuudes. Cooooool.'

Yep. Completely stoned.

* * *

TBC

(1) Of the small sample I've encountered, most men seem to hit physical maturity quite well. Emotional or mental maturity seems to be strictly optional.

(2) Ok, because I know they deserve a mention:

Nefertem: The personification of a form of the morning sun. Cute.

Imhotep: An architect, physician, sage, astrologer, scribe, and chief minister of the Pharaoh Djoser. Smart-arse.

Maa'hes: Punisher of the transgressors of Ma'at, goddess of truth and justice, and protected the innocent when invoked. Busy guy.

(3) Er, try pantheon. org if you're curious. I happen to like my PG-13 rating.

(4) Hey, this joke had to originate somewhere.

(5) According to my mother, baklava is 'a divine mixture of crushed nuts, honey and filo pastry'. Sounds like the early version of a Toblerone, frankly.

(6) No, I'm not making this up. Type Oracle Delphi gas into Google and enjoy.

* * *

Hades: …Stoned!?

Melora: Please. You didn't actually expect me to make him evil again, did you?

Hades: But stoned!?

Melora: All will become clear in the next chapter.

Hades: Yeah, and I know who's gonna get the blame for what happened to Dad.

Melora: You are getting scarily perceptive.

Hades: I'd be kinda concerned after 47 chapters if I wasn't.

* * *

A/N 2: OK guys, this goes out to everyone as a plea: **do not send me any more plot-lines, I cannot use them.** Taking other peoples' ideas is called plagiarism and it's the biggest crime a writer can commit.

A review was sent to me containing an idea for a plotline that had already occurred to me and that I had been working on for the better part of two years. This meant I had to decide whether or not to carry on with this plot, which by now was critical to the main story, and risk cries of 'Plagiarism', or abandon the plot and months of work and curtail the main story itself. On this occasion, since my main beta readers (one of them being my mother) can vouch for the history and development of said plotline, I can continue with it.

There are a finite number of mythological characters. Unless you stop trying to choose them for me, you will anticipate other plots that I want to use, and I will have to abandon them, reducing my options for continuing to write a story I love.

Reviews are meant to be about what I have written, not about what I might write.

More to the point, if anyone out there does have a plot suggestion, why are you sending it to me when you should be writing it yourself? I know I'd rather read a new fanfic than abandon another plot suggestion!

Love to all,  
Melora Maxwell


	48. Chapter 48: 3 Kittypups and a Stoner

A/N: Ok, I know that a year and a half is pushing it for an update, but real life is just designed to get in the way of writing. And due to the policy on review responses, this is the last chapter which will have them included. Sorry guys!

* * *

**CalliopeMused**: Actually, the prophecy was that Bremos and Hyllus would be friends, not their fathers. Even the Fates couldn't pull THAT one off. Read your Medusa fic, was very impressive!

**TaB**: Oh lordy, the lovely mad people are out in force! Guys, stop hurting yourselves when reading this, it ain't worth it!

**Faery Queen**: I know, I know, my talent at updating is horrible and patchy – my dissertation and graduation was kicking my butt for the past few months and I had writer's block like nothing alive! Hope this will tide everyone over.

**Andy Longwood**: Most of the time I just have an impressive grip on Hades's _neck_, so at least it's a nice change!

**Closet geek**: It was only a matter of time before the Hades/Seph writers emerged in full force! Seriously though, the amount of Hades/Seph fics has shot up so much since I started writing IWSI, I still don't know why so many people come back to this one!

**Exploding Snap**: Welcome back! I love my plot twists.

**Pata Hikari**: What is with the mass reading thing? But anyways, glad you enjoy it so far!

**Noir the Cat**: Cronus while high…is not exactly a pretty picture, but it is sweet in an exceedingly weird way. You have been warned!

**Poisonous Angel**: Updated as requested! Yep, I saw that episode; not one of my favourites – not enough Hades.

**Reye**: Updated!

**The Maine Coon Cat**: I have no writing skills. I just write whatever feels right and makes my beta-readers laugh. But thanks anyway! You're doing a Hades/Seph fic? Cool!

**Bahjcb**: I don't think Hades was 'bad' really; annoying as hell at times, but not bad. He just wishes he was!

**Aura Starfire**: There was a plea for Hermes to appear, and I couldn't resist. I do remember something about a wife, but since the Grecian pantheon wasn't the most faithful collection of gods, Hermes is a now a dad, but he's not involved with anyone.

**Alana Smithy**: 6 hours to read all 40-odd chapters? That's the sort of admission that scares me. And many thanks for the ego-boost!

**Prophet-Song**: Again, time-wise, you guys scare me. Glad you're enjoying it!

**Cicilia**: YES! You're the only person so far who's picked up on that! Thanks for the good wishes, and enjoy.

**Glinda**: Hi, Chaos. Lakchos and Albion…well. You know boys. They're weird most of the time. As for Cerberus and the benu…enjoy.

**Firebird Flight**: Ok, find a paper bag, take a big breath…let it out. Breathe…and out. Now, please calm down before we have us a fatality. And glad you like.

**Rice Pudding**: I will keep the instructions in mind! And thank you for being nice to me!

**Megarabelle**: What is it with people trying to read this thing in all-night sittings? As for more Megara…I love her to bits, but this fic is more to do with Hades's family than Hercules. Not entirely sure when she'll next turn up, but she will at some point!

**Bilbo**-**sama**: Trust me, there's a good while to go before THIS story's dead! Actually, the description you thought of for Cronus is more accurate than you think…

**Acdecnerd**: Updated!

**YunCyn**: No-one expects a stoned Cronus. But he seems to be getting a good reaction so far with only one line.

**Crimson** **Gypsy**: Hermes isn't that hard to write, it's just finding opportunities for him to appear. But you gotta love him. And yes, I will try not to leave so much time between updates.

**BookRose**: I'll try to update more, but I make no promises!

**Bloody** **Vixen**: Don't dissect my brain, I need it. Cerberus and Anubis…just think of a certain meerkat and warthog duo from a certain rather successful Disney film and you've pretty much got the two of them. Though my mum does think that Anubis has a certain element of the Fonz about him.

**Silverrain2**: If I'm meant to be God, how come I can't find a man who ISN'T sensitive and complicated? Sorry, routine complaint popping in there. I have tried and failed to get Hades to repeat his performance from last time, but he ain't budging.

**Firebird234**: It's not so much Hades explaining the situation to the other gods, it's really how he can explain the situation and do some elaborate blame-shifting. As for Cerberus and the benu…keep reading.

**Shego2Drakken**: Hey, I don't do predictable, and a raging, insane Cronus was just too predictable for words.

**Steph** **Silverstar**: And thank you for inflating my ego just that little bit more.

**JTfanaddict**: Thank you, and hope you enjoy the new chapter.

**Dglsprincess105**: If I'm dead, I think I'm extremely well-preserved. And I'm just cruel to Hades most of the time, but this time there's a method to the madness…

**MoM6**: The Seph/Rhea discussion was a bitch to write, but I think it worked. I know, I know, you love the 'duck'. (I never should've mentioned that line to you.)

* * *

Hades: Whaddya mean, I blame shift? I delegate blame in equal measures.

Melora: Hmmm. And it's just _so_ convenient that your brothers will be the recipients of the blame delegation.

Hades: Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. The theory works pretty well in practice.

Melora: So, by that little line of reckoning, I could therefore blame you for breaking my TV remote. QED.

Hades: Hey, I never said the theory was perfect.

* * *

**Disclaimer**: Oh boy. The current list – Seph, Bremos, Lakchos, Chaos, Agony, Torment, Despair, Nike, Zelus, Cratos, Bia, Hyllus, Psyche, Voluptas, Asclepius, Proteus, Albion, Rhode, Anubis, Bast, Nefertem, Imhotep, Maa'hes, the benu, Panthera, Leo, Rhea, and Cronus all belong to me. The rest is the property of Disney.

/.../ denotes thoughts

/_Italics_/ denotes canine communication.

-…- denotes baby communication.

(…) denotes flashback.

* * *

**I Won't Say It: Part 48**

* * *

Blinking in the fake lighting of the Asphodel Fields, Cronus leaned against the rock face next to the Pit and moved his gaze from his sons to the assembled and more than slightly baffled throng of deities standing before him…

'Cooooool. We havin' a party?'

…And from them to the buffet tables in the back.

'Hoooo man, I need some food. Got the munchies baaaaad.'

Hades could already feel his mother's eyes boring into the back of his skull and psychically draining him of any and all witty, pithy and completely self-serving excuses.

He tried not to whimper too obviously.

Stoned.

Cronus, the god of time, the greatest of all the Titans, the father of the Olympic gods and the former ruler of the cosmos, and he looked as if he hadn't taken a non-chemically assisted breath in a millennium.

/Why did it have to be _stoned!?_/

Beside him, Zeus discreetly cleared his throat and stepped forward, a beaming smile on his face.

'**Father!**'

Cronus peered down at his eldest son and narrowed his eyes in confusion.

'**On behalf of the assembled pantheon, I hereby welcome you back into the immortal family of Greece, with full title, rights, and privileges restored from this moment on!**'

The god of time winced and frowned slightly.

'Whoooooaaaah. Easy on the shoutin', man. Givin' out bad viiiibes when you get all loud.'

Zeus's smile became somewhat fixed.

His father's gaze narrowed a little more, and was suddenly replaced by a grin almost too wide to be completely sane.

Naturally, Zeus missed it completely.

'Heeeeeey. I remember you...'

The king of the gods puffed out his chest in pride. Father was simply a little disorientated, which was _perfectly_ natural after so many centuries of being trapped in a dank, inhospitable pit in Tartarus. Mother really could be foolish at times – worrying so much about Father's sanity once he was released and that he would be a threat to the gods. Honestly.

'Yeeeeeaaaaah…you're lil' Snotty Dude!'

The smile disappeared from the thunder god's face almost instantly.

Nodding happily, Cronus straightened up and stared at Poseidon. The piscine god clutched his trident a little closer and glared up at the man who had swallowed him whole at a time when a stuffed panda would have been a slightly more appropriate birthday gift.

'…You're lil' Fishy Dude…'

Poseidon looked mildly relieved and more than a little proud.

The god of time beamed again before slowly, and rather shakily, moving his gaze to his youngest son who was wondering if he could discreetly crawl off and have a spasm underneath one of the buffet tables without being noticed.

'…And you're lil' Flamey Dude!'

Hades blinked, then shrugged. /Meh. Beats 'Fishy' and 'Snotty' any day./

Cronus nodded again and contentedly slouched against the cave wall, scratching his beard and yawning.

'So what are you lil' dudes doin' here? Cos I'm not remem'brin' a call or nothin'…'

Zeus was still smarting from the 'lil' Snotty Dude' line, but to his credit, he cleared his throat slightly and made a semi-polite attempt at the question.

'Well, you've been freed. From e-eternal imprisonment...you must recall that, Father.'

The gangly Titan blinked.

'Eternal imprison-thingy? That's, like, forever right? Whoah. Forever's not as long as it used to be.'

A vein started pulsing in Zeus's right temple.

'Fa-_ther_, you haven't been imprisoned forever. Just for one thousand years of suffering following your actions after the Titanomachy.' (1)

Cronus looked at him blankly.

'The war between the gods and the Titans?'

No response.

'You ate Po-po and Hades when they were infants, I freed them and we fought against you?'

Something resembling a memory pulled Cronus's wrinkled face into a frown.

'I ate lil' Fishy Dude and lil' Flamey Dude?'

He directed his frown at his middle and youngest sons, and back towards his eldest.

'Why'd I do somethin' uncool like that?'

Zeus's tone became slightly more patronising. 'You _must_ remember, Father. You refused to let Mother bear any rivals to your throne, and so you ate Po-po and Hades after they were born. I escaped because Mother hid me from you when she gave birth.'

The rest of the pantheon nodded wearily. All of them had heard Zeus's collected war reminiscences more than once.

The god of time looked concerned at the edited account.

'I was givin' out some _seriously _negative karma back then. Whooo. Baaaad.'

He turned what could safely be described as an apologetic expression on Hades and Poseidon.

'Sorry, lil' dudes. Didn't mean to eat 'cha. Dunno what I was on if I did that.'

* * *

Hades's left eyebrow twitched.

Sorry.

Dad was 'sorry'.

His formative years slightly coloured by his father's digestive tracts; a war for the throne; consigned to the Underworld for, well, ever; constant insults and condescension from his eldest brother…and Dad was 'sorry'.

Well, it was a start.

And a mild distraction from the sound of slightly too well-controlled breathing behind him.

Cronus clearly hadn't missed the sound either. Especially if his suddenly upright posture, wide eyes and bright grin were anything to go by.

Hades risked a glance behind him and immediately wished he hadn't bothered.

The goddess of fertility, mother of the Olympian gods, and estranged wife of the god of time was standing over the assembled members of her immediate family with a look which perfectly combined deep confusion and a healthy dose of annoyance.

Having very few memories of any of his wife's emotional states resulted in Cronus being the first to risk opening his mouth.

'Rhea, _baaabe_. Uuuhhh…you look hot?'

A raised eyebrow in Cronus's direction made him shut up immediately. He remembered that little arch. That eyebrow raising even a tiny amount normally meant someone, possibly himself, was in trouble.

But it did make her look really, _really_ hot.

* * *

Rhea turned her gaze onto her youngest son with a certain amount of difficulty.

'Hades.'

The Lord of the Dead risked an ingratiating grin.

It didn't work.

'Would you care to explain what _precisely_ you have done to your father?'

A number of witty, intelligent and barely plausible excuses ran through Hades's brain as he stared at his mother, brothers and the rest of the pantheon.

His train of thought quickly derailed as he spotted Persephone and Bremos at the head of the throng; Persephone with her hand covering her face and groaning, while Bremos was wearing a smirk the size of the Acheron and making rather obvious throat slitting motions.

Ok, so no familial support forthcoming.

Time to do what he did best.

'Yeah. Ok. See, this wasn't really my fault.'

Rhea's expression morphed into one of deepest scepticism.

Hades proceeded to let loose with some of the worst blame-shifting of his existence.

'Mom, seriously, this is all _Zeus's_ fault.'

* * *

Cerberus blinked and shook his head as dust clouds and an alarming amount of animal hair drifted around the assembled heap of canines and felines.

That birdie…he knew that birdie!!

The flame-covered birdie, the one he had tried to help and was so very rude to him…it had tried to attack him!!

Birdies weren't meant to attack him! The Harpies had sometimes tried to dive at him when he had first arrived at Master Hades's palace in the Underworld, but he was so big and strong that they quickly gave up. Sometimes they tweeted at him, but that was only when he went too close to their nests, and trying to protect their pups was only right.

But now…that birdie had tried to attack him.

That wasn't what was making him cross.

What had made him cross was that the birdie had tried to attack him while the little kitty-pups were there!

The kitty-pups could have been _hurt_!!

Kitties were very tricksey and tough, but the kitty-pups were still small and a lot weaker than the bigger kitties!! He might not like kitties, but he wasn't going to sit by and not protect a kitty-pup if there was danger!!

* * *

The sound of purring and the feel of four small paws padding against his middle head brought him out of his darkening mood.

He recognised those paws. One of the kitty-pups always liked to climb up onto his middle head and have a nice snooze there whenever he visited the City.

Cerberus's red eyes met with an upside-down kitty-pup face covered in dust and bits of gold and lapis lazuli that might once have once constituted part of a royal necklace. Staring straight at him were a pair of bright green kitty-pup eyes that he immediately recognised.

The green eyes widened and were joined by an upside-down feline smile as Nefertem recognised his other favourite canine friend.

'Uncle Cerberus!!'

* * *

Anubis moaned and shook his head, his hood twisting and slipping down over his eyes, the ornamental snake on the crown sticking rather painfully into his ear.

He was now aching in places he didn't even realise existed.

There was also the tiny matter of the thing that was lying on his chest as deadweight.

Something fairly large, deity-sized…

Something furry…

Something…purring?

/Please please please pleeeeeease don't let it be Bast with her tail in a twist…/

The deadweight shifted and dug its claws into his torso.

/Ok. Someone, possibly Uncle Set, hates me./

'Unca 'Nubis!!'

The claws retracted and the god of the dead proceeded to get the breath squeezed out of him as a pair of little furry arms wrapped tightly around his chest.

'Missed you, Unca 'Nubis!!'

Coughing slightly, he shoved his hood up his forehead to a slightly less painful position and was treated to the rather more cheering view of a young lion cub staring happily up at him, dressed in formal white robes, a gold circlet and a jade-encrusted gold necklace.

The effect was slightly spoiled due to the numerous blobs of food, paint, sand, and dirt covering the robes.

Well, Bast was the one who insisted her kids would be brought up in the correct manner.

Whatever that was.

Anubis grinned and started brushing the worst of the mess from Maa'hes's face and robes.

'Next time you do that, a little warning might be kinda nice first.'

The little cub giggled at his uncle's grooming attempt and squirmed away. 'But then it wouldn't be as fun! Mama said we had to hunt properly, and Mama watches _everything_.'

The jackal-headed god groaned and stood up, hoisting his youngest nephew onto his shoulders. 'No kidding.'

A small sound which sounded remarkably like something coughing up a mouthful of fur echoed from the top of the heap. Imhotep crouched on all fours as he perched on the back of the dazed hell-hound of the Grecian Underworld and spat out a ball of fluff.

'Ok, so that's another theory tested and debunked.'

'Meaning?'

The second-eldest of Bast's sons stretched, coughed and settled neatly on Cerberus's back, his robes and scrubby mane all liberally covered in dust.

'Cats don't always land on their feet.'

Anubis's expression turned deadpan. 'Like we didn't already know.'

/_I didn't know that!_/

Cerberus had shuffled into a sitting position, happily shaking his middle head from left to right as Nefertem clung on and cheered.

The jackal-headed god decided it was easier not to comment.

He glanced upwards at Maa'hes, who was busy trying to bat at one of his uncle's ears and giggling contentedly.

'Dare I ask where your mother is?'

Maa'hes didn't stop for a second in his game of 'catch the ear'. 'Mama's in the big palace up there. She said she would send us out as a…a first linuv offal-ence.'

Imhotep sighed. 'First _line of offence_, dude.'

'That's what I said!'

Nerfertem swivelled round from his position atop Cerberus's middle head. 'Much as I hate to interrupt this touching conversation, alpha; Mom's gonna be watching this, and beta; am I the only one who can smell burning dog hair?'

* * *

The smell of charred fur hit Cerberus's nose at roughly the same point that the pain signals finally entered his brain.

Burny smell…

Burny feel…

It was…

It was his tail!! Some nasty person had set his tail on fire!!

The three-headed dog yowled in pain, reared up and started running around in a circle, trying to bite the flames before they made any more parts of him all sore and burny. Nerfertem and Imhotep were now clinging onto their adoptive uncle's back, trying to swipe at the small curls of smoke drifting from his tail and trying not to giggle too loudly.

Anubis quickly removed Maa'hes from his shoulders before they both charged towards Cerberus, ignoring the rather flattened, feathery heap that the giant guard dog had been parked on.

The benu rolled over and started coughing, forcing air into its body as it tried to sit up and straighten up its helmet.

It glared beadily at the rapidly retreating form of the panicking guard dog and ruffled its squashed feathers.

'You overthithsed plebeian monthrothity!! You _dare_ to cruth my thtunning plumage!?'

* * *

From her viewpoint on the balcony, Bast proceeded to do the only dignified thing a cat could do in this situation.

She settled herself on the edge of the railings, legs neatly tucked under her body, and started washing her face with a paw. (2)

She hoped her father wasn't watching this.

* * *

( Dark, cold, spider and demon-infested, waaaay too many stiffs around for his liking.

And that was just the palace.

Hades could already feel a migraine building in his right temple. Of all the places his sainted big bro could've sent him, it just _had_ to be the Underworld.

Obviously it wasn't enough that _he_ had been the one who had risked his own neck and snuck into Cronus's fortress.

_He_ had _only_ been the one who'd helped everyone out by keeping Dad under control until Popo and his stupid trident burst through the door.

And then Zeus just _had_ to take all the credit and then, to round things off, just _had_ to do a draw for territory.

/Huh. _Knew_ I should've called best two outta three./

One straw. One crappy little straw had condemned him to be stuck here for…well, ever. At this exact moment, he was stuck somewhere under Macedonia, in a freezing tunnel which _seriously_ reeked of mould and wasn't big enough to swing an imp.

Well, two of them to be precise.

He'd tried the last one out for about an hour after they'd gotten the entire group lost.

* * *

He dodged around a stalagmite and felt part of his toga rip. The migraine decided to up itself to Def Com 3.

/Never thought I'd see the day when I'd need to know what a big pointy underground rock's called. Sheesh./

'Enlighten me, boys. _Where_ exactly are we meant to be going again?'

Pain and Panic took a brief time out from nursing their respective concussions and glanced at each other in mild dread.

Panic was the first to volunteer. 'Ummm…a little welcome meet at Mom's place in Erebus?'

Hades's expression turned deadpan. 'Oh, goody. Forgive me if I don't feel the love and terror in the air here.'

He shivered and hunched slightly further into his robes. Ok, the official first act in his capacity as Lord of the Dead was to sort out the damn plumbing. Decent heating, maybe even a sauna that _didn't_ belch out lava would be a start.

All thoughts of interior design were neatly purged from the god's head as he turned a corner, glimpsed a flash of light, and was squashed into a heavy duty, four armed, scale-covered embrace.

'Oooooh, and here's the charming young rogue himself!! Hades, _darling_, how _are_ you?'

Meh. At least someone was happy to see him.

'Echidna, _babe_…_choking_, not _breathing_…'

The Mother of All Monsters relinquished her grip on her honorary son and immediately ushered him into the cave. 'You found us after a fashion, I see! I _do_ apologize for the boys, geographical dyslexia, you _know_ how it is.'

'Heh. Cute. Really.' He aimed a brief death-glare at Pain and Panic as they made a fast departure into the mass of stalagmites and stalactites…

And what in the name of Tartarus was the big drooling thing in the corner? As far as he was aware, dogs were _seriously_ not meant to have three heads. Most dogs had enough problems with one head alone…

Echidna neatly dragged him over to the aforementioned thing by the scruff of his robes. 'Ah, you've spotted Cerberus. Still teething, bless him, but he'll make a wonderful guard-dog someday. And he always does what Mummy tells him, yes he does!'

Hades's face screwed up in mild disgust as the Mother of All Monsters plastered a number of smacking kisses over the collective heads of her canine offspring. Cerberus yipped contentedly and snuggled into his mummy's embrace.

/The mortals were right. This _is_ torture./

'Oh, but enough of this little _scamp_. Do you need me to show you the ropes on anything, _poppet_?'

Sanity and the room temperature eclipsed Hades's growing sense of disgust. 'Yep. Plumbing. Did Zeus forget to pay the heating bill or something? Cos, seriously, and don't let the hair fool ya, I am _not_ a winter-weight god, know what I mean?'

Echidna's beaming smile was replaced by a frown. 'Not possible, darling. Not without a few major structural changes, and even then, your brute of a brother would have to sign off on the order…'

The Lord of the Dead rolled his eyes. 'Question one, do I care what Zeus says? Nope. Question two, what structural changes? Nothing a few low-level pyrotechnics won't shift. And question three, since when did _you_ ever do anything Bolt Boy says? I mean, considering the sitch with Typhon and all…'

The giant demon mother paused, and then smirked. 'Three _very_ valid points, sweetie.'

Hades cracked his knuckles and aimed a fireball at the far wall. The bluescrolls of the Underworld had indicated a nice little natural gas vent somewhere round there which would flow right back to the palace if ruptured…

* * *

Nursing a few third-degree burns, Hades tried and failed to ignore the three glares being aimed in his general direction. At least the dog wasn't making with the guilt trip.

'Ok, so what? I made a little boo-boo.'

Echidna finished dusting her sons off and raised an eyebrow at the rather sheepish looking god.

'Hades, honestly. You do realise you'll never be able to put that river out now.'

The explosion which had occurred as soon as the fireball had hit the gas had backwashed through the caves of Erebus before emerging at the palace. River of sulphur then met fire, and Mother Nature did her stuff.

Ok, Grandmother Nature in his case, but whatever.

Hades cast a quick glance at the now blazing River Phlegethon.

'Eh. Call it a tourist attraction. Least I don't have to freeze my flames off every morning.'

'Perhaps.' Echidna's expression brightened slightly as she stared across the river of fire into the Asphodel Fields and further to the Pit of Cronus. 'You've probably docked your dear father's mental longevity by a few millennia.'

'And I care because?'

'That vent was more than a touch close to Cronus's lovely little hovel. A rockslide _not_ created by him won't have improved that wonderful temper of his.'

'So?'

Echidna shook her massive head and nudged her honorary son towards the palace.

'I wonder about you Hades, I really do…'

Cerberus bounded happily ahead of them, his two elder brothers clamped between his sorest teeth. This was the most fun he'd had for a long time!! Maybe Mummy Echidna might let him stay and play with his brothers and Master Hades for a bit longer…)

* * *

'…Central heating.'

Rhea tapped her fingers against the rock-face and stared incredulously at her youngest son.

Poseidon and Zeus briefly exchanged a glance that spoke of Trouble, of which they were slightly unsure if they were in.

Cronus's attention had long since strayed to his overgrowing beard, which he was currently attempting to braid.

Desperation point had been reached. Time to do what the mutt did best.

Hades summoned up the biggest, wateriest pair of puppy-dog eyes he could muster at short notice and gazed pleadingly up at his mother.

His mother's eyes narrowed. 'Central heating.'

Ok, so the big eyes weren't about to cut him any slack.

The Lord of the Dead straightened up as his expression reformed into his normal scowl.

'Hey, I freeze easily. What else was I gonna do?'

Rhea's eyes narrowed even further.

'Something that preferably would have left your father with even a few of his mental faculties intact?'

'Sheez, one little explosion and you're labelled for life. Look, I didn't know at the time, and didn't see anything weirder than normal the last time I had my ass dragged down here.'

The fertility goddess folded her arms and started tapping her foot. 'And when was that?'

Hades retuned his mother's glare. 'Coupla hundred years ago. The only shmucks who dealt with him since are hiding under the buffet table.'

* * *

Under a small pile of silverware and filo pastries, Pain, Panic, Agony and Torment glanced at each other and hauled themselves out for the inevitable round of flame and blame.

'Whoah…'

The ruling family of Olympus turned in mild amazement at the sound. Cronus was staring in mild shock at the scene before him, and pointed an accusing finger at the four imps.

'You guys ain't real, you guys havta go back in the cave, lil' freaky guys…'

He dragged a gnarled hand across his face and growled. ''M gonna scare you again, you not likin' the rocks goin' boom, you tryin' t' get me, get back in the trip, bad trip man, bad trip…'

Opting to risk his rapidly crumbling grip on his sanity, Hades leaned over towards his father.

'Imps, Dad, imps. Not a trip, comprendez? Not a…'

Trip.

Oh _jeeeez_.

Hades could feel a world-class migraine creeping round his temples.

Sadly, it did make a disturbing amount of sense.

And much as he was loath to agree with his father on anything, believing the Dream Team to be fragments of some deity's diseased imagination was occasionally the only thing that got him through a long day.

Ok. Distraction needed and needed _now_.

'Ahem…'

Despair had folded her arms across her chest and was making a few subtle nods towards Cronus, now happily staring at the ceiling and prodding a stalactite.

A perfect distraction, and floating only a short distance from the kiddie pen.

Well, a freaky little female imp who scared the bejeezus out of him most of the time, but anyway…

The Lord of the Dead snapped his fingers next to his father's ear. 'Gaea to Dad, hello?'

Blue eyes focussed on him and blinked blearily. 'Whazzup, lil' Flamey Dude?'

Oy.

Hades sighed and gestured towards the petite imp now hovering at eye-level with the god of time.

'Dad, Despair. Despair, Dad. Feel the love.'

Cronus's eyes narrowed slightly as he stood up and shuffled closer to the newcomer.

Despair consciously straightened up.

An impressively charming smile lit up the Titan's wrinkled face as he bent his head over her clawed hand.

'Wow. You're a real lil' cutie, ain't'cha? Despair ain't the right name for a hot lil' honey like _you_.'

The impette…blushed.

And giggled.

'Lord Cronus, really! That's hardly appropriate talk.'

He winked. 'You sayin' you don' like a lil' bit of…' The grey eyebrows waggled suggestively above his now remarkably sane and twinkling blue eyes.

The sound of flames and dry-retching next to him was the only thing that prevented the remnants of Hades's sanity from crawling off into a corner and having a little cry.

Somewhere during the last exchange, Bremos had snuck up to his father's side and was busy making the universally recognised gestures by all teenagers who involuntarily witness the older generations in flirtatious/romantic situations – trying to stick two fingers down his throat and covering his eyes.

/Can't say I blame him./

That little thought didn't stop him from smacking Bremos smartly upside the head.

'_Daaaad_! What?!'

Hades leaned over and glared at his eldest son.

'Hey, if I've gotta make with the happy face and suffer, so do you, brat.'

'I'm not exactly calling this situation fair.'

'Who told you life was fair?'

'Mortal conception. You know, the same ones who came up with morality, justice and no-win no-fees?'

The Lord of the Dead rolled his eyes and tuned back in to the rather nauseatingly flirtatious conversation between his father and the impette.

'So what's a sweet lil' thing like you doin' down here?'

Despair hadn't stopped giggling since the conversation had started. Reluctantly, she recalled what Mummy had told her about always presenting the right image.

'I work with Lord Hades and Lady Persephone as nursemaid and minion to the Princes and the Princess of the Underworld.'

Cronus tilted his head at the mention of his youngest son.

'Lil' Flamey Dude got himself a chick? Wow. Cool.'

Persephone reluctantly took that as her cue and stepped forward. 'Well, tepid, but anyway…Lady Persephone, daughter of Demeter and Bacchus, Queen of the Underworld, etcetera.'

The Titan blinked and stared. 'Whoa.'

'What?'

A wider grin was starting to cross the crinkled face. 'So this's where all the hot chicks go. Cooooool.'

Persephone fought back a smile of her own. Somehow, Cronus in his more charming moments explained a hell of a lot about the god she had married.

The fact that Hades had slightly more of a grip on his sanity notwithstanding, she could see why women had gone for the youngest of the Titans. Not to mention Rhea.

She wondered silently if this was how Cronus had always appeared to the goddess of fertility before their sons were born. If that was the case…no wonder she'd missed him.

'Heeeey.'

She tuned back in as fast as possible. Cronus was staring at a space in front of him and looking mildly worried.

'Where'd the lil' sweet thing go?'

A gurgle from floor level answered the query. The gangly Titan tilted his head and leaned towards the sound.

His eyes lit up contentedly as he caught a glance at Despair, and then froze as he saw what she was fussing over.

'S'more lil' dudes? Like _really_ lil' dudes?'

Hades and Persephone exchanged a look of sheer panic. If his reaction to the imps was anything to go by, neither of them were particularly thrilled about Cronus being within twenty feet of his youngest grandchildren.

Particularly if he suddenly decided they were the right size for an appetiser.

It seemed as if Despair had only just realised this as she saw the Titan's wrinkled face leaning towards her, eyes wide, one hand outstretched…

* * *

Cerberus whimpered as he watched Anubis bandaging his tail with a few spare scraps of bandages they had swiped from a random corpse two halls away.

His tail felt all horrible and singed and burny.

Whatever had set fire to him, he was going to make sure he bit it until it squealed. Cerberus was rather partial to things that squealed.

The only thing keeping him still at the moment was the two littlest kitty-pups currently using him as an oversized cat-bed. Nerfertem had curled up on his middle head and was purring loudly into his ear; Maa'hes was giggling hysterically from his perch on his other favourite uncle's front paws as the giant guard-dog's left most head gave him a thorough grooming.

Anubis tugged the bandages slightly tighter and rolled his eyes. This was just lending the whole 'play dead' thing an entirely new meaning.

Currently, he was more concerned as to where Imhotep had wandered off to. The second-eldest of Bast's sons was supposed to be getting a snack for his uncle.

Well, strictly speaking he was meant to be getting bandages, but if there was a semi-decomposing stiff still in the bandages, he wasn't about to complain.

* * *

'Uncle Anubis!!'

The jackal-headed god looked up in mild relief. Imhotep was dragging a heap of salt-covered gauze behind him with one paw, the other gripping tightly onto something vaguely fluffy.

'Anything good in there?'

The lion cub threw the bandages up to his uncle. 'There might be a limb, not sure which one.'

/Limb. _Bonus_. I love this kid./

He glanced down at the fluffy bundle and started tearing the gauze with his teeth. 'What else ya got?'

Imhotep held up the bundle with glee. 'Looks like Mom's birdie thing. It's still alive.'

Cerberus's eyes widened as he and Anubis looked at each other in shock.

Birdie thing…

Oh boy.

Anubis scrambled up his friend's back and perched on his right-most head. Maa'hes clambered onto the muzzle of the left-most head in curiosity. The three-headed guard dog turned around carefully so as not to dislodge the god of mummification or the kitty pups, bent his heads down and sniffed.

Their suspicions were confirmed as soon as they heard the benu's voice echoing from inside its makeshift helmet, which had clearly been pulled over its eyes.

'Unhand me thith insthant, you intholent _beatht_!! I thall have wordth with the Misthtreth about thith treatment, make no mithtake!!'

Anubis raised an eyebrow. 'It doesn't know who's holding it?'

Imhotep looked suitably proud. 'Nah. Mom says never let an enemy see how you catch them and never ever show them how you return to your lair.'

/_I thought birdies were meant to taste nice. This one doesn't taste nice at all._/ Cerberus's right-most head was delicately nibbling on the benu's tail feathers and looking slightly unimpressed.

'Ceathe! Dethitht! In the name of Ra, I _command_ you to thtop dithrupting my plumage with your _dithguthting_ fangth!!'

A very evil grin was making its way across Anubis's face. 'It's an instant meal, dude. They never taste good till you cook 'em. And this instant meal has a fire all ready and waiting…'

The three lion cubs shared a look of glee. Nefertem's teeth gleamed in the flames from the benu's rather soggy plumage.

'Think it tastes like chicken?'

* * *

'I think not. I also think you three would do well not to eat the sacred bird of Ra if you ever want to be let out in the City again.'

The three felines' and two canines' eyes widened in terror.

All of them knew _that_ voice.

They turned around in unison and immediately wished they hadn't.

The benu took advantage of Imhotep's suddenly slackened grip, and flew gratefully towards its saviour, perching elegantly on the proffered arm.

A tawny-furred paw brushed the worst of the drool out of the flaming feathers before it could stain the pristine white robes and heavy gold and jade jewellery.

Bast glared at her sons, earning a simultaneous gulp from all three of them.

They knew what their mother's temper could be like. And boy, was she honked off.

Anubis upgraded his look of horror to a sardonic smirk as he leaned on Cerberus's head and scrutinised his claws. 'Hey sis. Surprised to see us?'

'To be frank, no. Dogs are _insanely_ predictable.'

Cerberus growled. He wasn't entirely sure what predictable meant, but he definitely didn't like the way she said it.

The feline goddess raised an eyebrow. 'Oh look. It talks.'

She narrowed her eyes as she glared up at her brother. 'Father banned that _thing_ from the City.'

'Hey, leave him alone! He's my friend, ok? And c'mon, what Dad doesn't know, won't hurt him.'

'True. But what's to stop me from informing Father of this…transgression?'

/_What's a transgression?_/

Anubis groaned. 'Cerberus? We all have to bring something to this conversation. How about you bring silence?'

/_Ooooh. Alright._/

'Do tell me, _dear_ brother. What will you do for me to make sure I say nothing of this to Father?' Bast's green eyes gleamed.

'How about…I tie your tail in a knot, _dear _sister?'

'Sorry, that's the wrong incentive. I do applaud the effort put into the threat however. How long did it take you to think of that?'

Anubis snarled. 'At least I make a positive effort about my destructive habits.'

* * *

This really wasn't one of his sister's better days. He'd seen her like this only once, and that had been right before she'd squealed on him about the canoupic jars.

He braced himself for a high jump, leapt into the air, and landed a few feet from Bast's claws.

Her eyes narrowed and her teeth were bared in a rather unpleasant feline smile. 'Oh, I do love a challenge.'

'So I've graduated from a pest to a challenge. Sweet.'

Bast's smile widened. 'No, still a pest. Just one with some dumb muscle.'

Cerberus growled again. Unfortunately he understood that particular phrase a little too well. Nefertem and Maa'hes immediately wrapped themselves around their adoptive uncle's necks, while Imhotep frowned and moved to cling onto the giant guard-dog's front paw.

Their mother stared at the sudden display of loyalty and rolled her eyes. At her nod, the benu soared into the air and perched on a nearby wall sconce.

The two gods dropped onto their front paws and sank into predatory crouches.

Anubis's claws scratched against the sandstone. 'First one to say uncle?'

Bast's tail twitched and lowered. 'Agreed.'

/_Uncle? Is your uncle Set here as well?_/ Cerberus's heads stared off in three directions in curiosity.

'Cerberus? Shush.'

The feline and canine stared each other down, shifting their legs and flexing their claws. Only one opening was needed for a good attack. The rest…their endurance would tell.

* * *

Anubis howled and leapt.

Bast launched herself at her brother's throat.

Cerberus's eyes widened as the sons of Bast watched the scuffle open-mouthed in amazement.

* * *

TBC

A/N 2: I'm horrible. It's a two-parter.

(1) It's the term used to cover the war between the gods and the Titans. And yes, Zeus does know what it means. The world fears.

(2) I know of no cat that does not groom themselves when they're embarrassed.

* * *

Hades: A year and a half and this is what you do to me!?

Melora: Pardonez-moi, but I could've made this far worse.

Hades: Indulge me. How?

Melora: Cronus being a raging, vengeful psychopath?

Hades: And still better than a stoner.

Melora: There's just no pleasing some people.


	49. Chapter 49: Babies: served with toast?

A/N: Nope, it's not a mirage.

To a couple of new reviewers – please read the author's notes at the bottom of my profile.

To everyone else – after (oh God) five years' procrastination and twiddling, all of the previous chapters have been edited and slightly re-written in order to clear up spelling, punctuation, grammar, a few plot holes, and to give more detail to the story. Or something like that.

Now that _that's_ done, on with the fic, and my apologies for the insane wait!

* * *

Hades: Yeah, and watch as she tries to fill two extra pages where the responses would be.

Melora: I point out that after nearly 50 chapters, it was getting a bit daft trying to reply to everyone in print.

Hades: Didn't stop you trying.

Melora: People send me reviews ordering me to annoy you and torture your brother. This is a good thing!

Hades: And I still resent the first part.

* * *

Disclaimer: See previous chapters for the complete list. Disney owns everything that I don't!

/…/ denotes thoughts

/_italics_/ denotes canine communication

-…- denotes baby communication

* * *

**I Won't Say It: Part 49**

* * *

Cronus frowned as he leaned over the playpen and stared down at the four occupants, all currently oblivious to their grandfather's stony gaze.

'So when wuz I gonna get told about th' other lil' dudes?'

The assembled pantheon watched in rapidly growing horror as one of the aged Titan's gnarled hands reached into the playpen and carefully extracted one of its occupants for a closer look.

It was exactly what Rhea had feared all along. Even ten centuries worth of mind-altering chemicals couldn't change the essence of a person, not even a god.

Persephone buried her head in Hades's chest, not wanting to see what happened next.

She felt Hades's arms tighten around her and pull her towards the playpen.

The Lord of the Dead nearly collapsed with relief as he managed to get a glance into the playpen, counting two heads of black hair topped with blue flames. So the twins had gotten a reprieve for a few minutes. Doing a few frantic mental calculations, he figured that if his father was busy with one of the other brats, he and Seph would get just long enough to grab a kid each and then run like half of Erebus was on their heels.

The god of time studied the child he had lifted for a second, and then settled her into the crook of his arm. Poseidon elbowed Hades out of the way, earning a patented Glare O' Death for his actions, and lunged forward, trident raised as he caught a glimpse of green and blue scales covered in sand.

Rhode.

His daughter, his little tadpole, was now sitting in the arms of a god who believed that cannibalism was a fun day's activity for all the family.

And she was…smiling?

Waiiiit a second.

Rhode was _never_ that trusting. This was a baby that could scream loud enough to give Scylla tinnitus if she was in the presence of anyone she didn't know and didn't trust as far as she could puke.

So why was she smiling?

The god of the sea edged tentatively around Cronus's wiry frame and stared in complete bewilderment.

His daughter was now giggling hysterically as she stared up at her grandfather, who was wearing a grin of delight as he studied the little goddess.

'Heeeey…you're a cute lil' lady, ain'cha?'

He gently tapped Rhode's nose with a finger, then reached into the playpen once more and placed a well-worn siren dolly into the little goddess's hands. 'And who's this you got with ya? She your friend? She's a pretty lil' thing too. Not as cute as you though, lil' lady.'

He tilted his head as though a thought had occurred to him. Given his current mental state, what that thought might consist of would be debateable.

'Y'know, you kinda look like lil' Fishie Dude, 'cept you're a lady an' all.'

He glanced down at his middle son and carefully held Rhode up, his eyes flickering back and forth as he studied their faces.

'Yeah…so lil' Fishie Dude got himself a lil' dude of his own! Cool.'

Poseidon risked moving a little closer to the oddly endearing tableau and reached up for his daughter. Rhode squealed at the sight of her daddy and reached a hand out to him, the other still clutching her siren dolly.

The god of time registered the newcomer and grinned as he passed the little goddess to her father, watching as the two deities settled into Daddy-Daughter cuddle mode.

'This is Rhode, Popsie. Just coming up on six months.'

Cronus's grin softened as he watched Rhode snuggle into her father's embrace. 'Awww. She's a real sweet lil' thing.'

A tiny frown creased the wrinkled brow a little further.

'Don' remember you lookin' that cute.'

Poseidon rolled his eyes and sighed as his daughter nestled closer to his chest.

The entire pantheon let out a collective sigh of relief. Persephone felt her knees shift rapidly to the consistency and strength of hummus as she leaned against Hades.

There might just be a chance yet…

'An' this lil' guy…?'

Cronus's hand reached into the playpen again. The god of time rapidly withdrew the limb and looked mildly surprised as a very small trident was jabbed towards his fingers.

'_No gettin' picked up by dumb grown-ups! Me big boy! Me gonna blast grown-ups good!_'

Taking the advantage, the god of time managed to pluck the toddler god out of the playpen by the back of his robes and held him up to eye-level. To his credit, Albion didn't flinch or bawl. He simply stared mutinously at the god before him, meeting his eyes glare-for-glare.

'You givin' out bad vibes, man. Go easy on the shoutin', s'not cool ta yell.'

The god of mariners blinked and stared at his grandfather in mild amazement. This was different. A grown-up who _didn't_ yell at him if he said he was a big boy? That had _never_ happened before.

'Who _you_?'

Cronus's face softened and reshaped itself into a grin.

'Cronus, leader o' the Titans and god o' time. You're one tough lil' guy, what'd they call you round here?'

Albion beamed at the compliment, immediately straightened up as much as he could and held his trident proudly by his side, just as he had seen Daddy do.

'Albion. Me expor-er. Me brave god like Daddy.'

* * *

Unseen by the piscine portion of his family, Hades rolled his eyes.

Bravery and Po-po.

It sounded pretty much like monogamy and Zeus.  
Nope, not seeing it.

Persephone held back a small sniggering fit, most of which she was blaming on relief. 'Awww. That's actually cute in a mildly nauseating sort of way.'

'Hey, beats the hell outta 'agony in an emotionally scarring' kinda way.'

Bremos raised an eyebrow at the scene before him and looked revolted. 'Say what you want Dad, but if family bonding with Grandpa involves getting me picked up and getting forced to make with the nice-nice, I may actually be sick into my own scorn.'

'Again brat, you miss the subtleties of the family unit. _You_ make with the adolescent sniping, the _twins_ make with the bodily fluids. Capiche?'

Persephone glanced up at Cronus as he carefully returned Albion to the playpen and then stared in amazement at the other occupants.

'I'll take it no-one's told him the twins don't respond well to cuddles after lunch?'

Hades shrugged and tightened his grip around his wife's waist.

'Meh. Some people get a baptism by fire. Dad'll just get a baptism by barf. Either one works for me.'

* * *

Something wasn't quite right.

Something wasn't quite right at all.

After many bouts with siblings and the Grecian bestiary in general, Cerberus was fully aware of how a fight between a dog and a kitty was meant to go. The dog had to bark and growl while the kitty swiped at the dog with their claws. The dog would start whimpering if the claws hit their nose, or they would try and go for the kitty's back if they missed.

Then it would all get a bit messy, painful, and confusing, but it would end with the kitty running off yowling, and the dog would be all scratched up and sore, but at least the dog would have won!

Unless the dog wasn't feeling well, in which case they'd let the kitty win, and make the kitty think they'd won so that they could get better and then have the real fight!

The three-headed dog tilted his heads in confusion as he watched Anubis and Bast trying to tear each other new belly-buttons.

Or at least what _looked_ like them trying to tear each other new belly-buttons.

Atop the guard dog's middle head, Nefertem clung tightly to his adoptive uncle's ears and watched with equal, if not greater confusion.

'What's Mom _doin'_? She doesn't do this when she's fighting the jackals outside Alexandria.'

Cerberus crossed his eyes as he tried to focus on the eldest of his kitty-pups.

/_What does she do to the jackals?_/

'Goes for 'em like Great-Uncle Set. Teeth, claws, limbs, blood, pus. Y'know, the usual.'

The giant guard-dog frowned at the spectacle before him.

/_I don't see any blood. Or pus. Or any of those things._/

Maa'hes was still watching his mother and uncle spar with the kind of innocent glee typical to someone of his age.

Or as much innocent glee as he could get, being a cat.

Imhotep scratched his ear with a back paw while he kept his front paws on his youngest brother's shoulders.

'It doesn't look like they're even _tryin'_ to hurt each other. It kinda looks like…'

The middle of Bast's sons trailed off as he watched his mother pin his uncle on his front, her claws sheathed, and then went for the scruff of his neck with something considerably less than bloodlust.

Anubis squawked as he felt teeth against his neck and tried to squirm away from his sister's grasp. Not that her lunge had actually hurt him any.

Probably a little more ticklish than anything else…

He kept a snigger in check as he wriggled out of his sister's equivalent of a smack-down and managed to get her into a headlock. Sheathing his own claws, he yanked off her headdress and smirked as she tried to bite his arm. The grin only grew wider as he ground his knuckles into the top of her skull.

'Divine Noogie!'

Bast's comments in response to her brother and his actions were varied, mostly obscene, and in several instances, biologically impossible.

Nerfertem grinned and quickly started committing them to memory.

Imhotep however was wearing a look of complete bewilderment. '…Like they're havin' _fun_?'

Cerberus lowered his left-most head and sniffed. /_They're not even drawing blood!_/

What was Anubis _doing_?

* * *

The jackal-headed god's grin disappeared into the ground as his sister managed to get him into a fairly impressive pile-driver.

Fighting dirty. Rather impressive for a cat.

Not so much for a sibling, but anyway.

He yanked his head out of the remains of the floor tiles and hunkered down, his eyes flickering over Bast's bizarrely spotless form. How women did that, he still had no idea.

Probably some sort of female magic, like the magic used to get socks the right way out before they went in the laundry, or knowing you had to cut hair to make it grow longer.

Even the priests in the Necropolis hadn't worked those ones out.

'C'mon sis, you're losing your touch. That one didn't even break the skin!'

Bast merely flicked the dust off her claws and settled into a posture he immediately recognised as a Sebekkah defensive posture.

Interesting move. They hadn't practised together ever since they were teenagers, after he had gone off to learn the pure military forms and she had been made to learn the feminine forms of Tahtib instead. But both of them had been schooled in the basics, he severely doubted his sister would let a little thing like her sex stand in her way of learning, and neither had ever given any ground in their sparring sessions.

Even if said sessions _had_ mostly degenerated into hissing, swearing, and a great deal of knuckle-scuffing.

Not breaking eye contact, Anubis slid back out of his crouch and shifted into his preferred kick stance. Nothing fancy, but if aimed right it could hit the solar plexus pretty nicely...

Bast's eyes momentarily flicked over to her sons, all still clustered around Cerberus, eyes bright with excitement. The flicker lasted less than a second.

Unfortunately, Anubis knew exactly what that little look meant, and felt his dignity make a swift exit.

/You OWE me big time, big sis./

He came in running and took a swing at the feline goddess's torso, pulled the punch just in time, and then swept his leg under her feet, taking just long enough for her to flip out of the way and graze his face with a clawed foot.

* * *

Cerberus cocked his heads thoughtfully, causing Nefertem to slide off the middle head with a surprised squeak.

_This_ looked more like the fighting he was used to, but it looked all fast and tricksey. Fighting where he came from involved a lot less jumping and kicking and a lot more gnashing and drooling, but maybe that was how Egyptian dogs and kitties fought.

Maybe the dogs had to be just as tricksey as the kitties did in order to win.

He wasn't sure he could be that tricksey if he had to fight the Nemean Lion again.

But right now, happily covered in all the kitty-pups, he really couldn't bring himself to think about fighting his big brother at the moment.

Maa'hes and Imhotep were now precariously balanced on the Grecian guard-dog's front paws, roaring in delight every time their mama dodged and their uncle kicked.

Nefertem scrambled back up to his adoptive uncle's shoulder and settled himself in the warm spot between Cerberus's right and middle necks. This was officially a _million_ times cooler than any of the stuff the priests had been trying (and failing) to teach them in their own sparring sessions.

For one, Bast and Anubis were pretty much equal.

Not to mention they looked like they were really going for it.

And there were no grown-ups about to say they had to stop because they were royalty and shouldn't be acting like mortal school children scrapping in the street. But then how were they meant to defend themselves if they didn't practice? That was the whole _point_ of being taught Sebekkah and Tahtib; so they could defend themselves from assassins. Few would-be murderers ever expected a tactical bite to the kneecap or a strategic kick in the head from anyone under ten.

Grown-ups could be _really_ stupid sometimes.

* * *

Zeus, Poseidon and the majority of the assembled pantheon had long since retreated to make merry and kill their livers with a few gallons of cheap ouzo, while Rhea, her youngest son, and his immediate family had remained clustered around the playpen, keeping a collective eye on their brain-fried patriarch.

The expression on Cronus's face could best be described as mournful as he ineffectually brushed at a small white patch on the shoulder of his robes.

'I di'n't mean fer the lil' one t' toss his cookies. I jus' wanted t' give 'im a cuddle.'

In Persephone's arms, Lakchos had moved past the surprise of a sudden post-prandial sicky burp and was now well into a crying fit as a result. In the playpen, Chaos had picked up on her twin's distress, her lower lip jutting into a wobbly pout.

'I'm sorry, lil' guy. Tha' was my bad, I di'n't mean to hurt ya or nuthin'.'

The goddess of rebirth patted her father-in-law on the shoulder, taking care to avoid the puke patch. 'Hey. Babies tend to explode from both ends without warning for the first year. It just takes a bit of practice in spotting when said eruptions are about to occur.'

'And having one hell of a dry cleaner also works wonders.' Spotting his daughter's expression, Hades scooped Chaos into his arms and conjured a black rattle out of the ether to keep her occupied.

'Yeah...but is he OK? He ain't gonna hate me or anythin'?'

Lakchos's whimpers died down as he listened to his grandfather's voice.

How silly could Grandpa be? Sicky burps were a part of life – he was fine with it, Chaos was fine with it, Mummy was fine with it, Bremos and Daddy were disgusted by it but accepted it, so why was Grandpa so worried?

He shuffled in his mother's arm and managed to wave a hand at Cronus, letting out a giggle at the same time.

It worked.

The Titan's wrinkled face lit up with deceptively simple joy as he noticed the movement and carefully reached out to touch his grandson's hand. Lakchos giggled once again at the contact and settled down. Hopefully that would stop Grandpa getting upset.

Still cuddled into Hades's chest, Chaos peeped out at her grandfather and watched him with a steady, curious gaze.

This was the god Mummy and Daddy and Grandma Rhea were so worried about?

But he was so nice!

He had said how pretty Rhode was (very true), he'd said how brave Albion was (a bit much, but Albion seemed happy), and he'd said a proper sorry to her twin after Lakchos had done a sicky burp all over his shoulder, even though it wasn't really his fault. And Lakchos was happy, so that meant he couldn't be all bad.

Glancing down at his daughter, Hades recognised the look in her eyes, and sighed.

'Yo, dad?'

'Yeah, lil' Flamey Dude?'

The god of the dead made a gesture with his head and shoulders indicating that violence probably wouldn't occur should Cronus decide he wanted alternate baby snuggles with Chaos.

'Seriously?'

'Hey, make it four for four.'

'Dear, let me...' Rhea wisely intervened and helped Hades settle the little goddess into her grandfather's arms.

Newborn goddess and aged Titan regarded each other with a thoughtful gaze. Resting a hand on his puke-free shoulder, Rhea leaned over the pair and gently stroked back an errant blue flame from her granddaughter's forehead.

'Wow.'

The goddess of fertility sneaked a look at her husband. 'Is that a good 'wow' or a baffled 'wow'?'

Cronus looked up, and met Persephone's eyes with a soft grin.

'If this lil' lady turns out anythin' like her mom, she's gonna be hot. Lil' Flamey Dude and his lil' Flamey Dude're gonna have a tough time keepin' the guys away.'

Persephone settled with flushing a slightly darker red than normal. 'Compliment noted and appreciated.'

To the side, unseen and unheard by the rest of the group, Hades and Bremos exchanged a Look. Bremos was the first to crack a rather malevolent grin.

'Soooo...do we take this as a suggestion that in fifteen years or so we can literally and metaphorically beat the crap out of any creep that tries it on with Chaos and plan ahead now?'

Hades returned the smirk in kind. 'I like your thinking, o brat of mine.'

'**AHEM!**'

Zeus's magically enhanced voice echoed across the Asphodel Fields, distracting gods, demi-gods, nymphs and teenagers alike from the buffet table and the sight of a mass-shifting Bacchus limbo-ing under the branch of a nearby poplar tree.

Hades rolled his eyes. 'Oh joy. He's opened his yap and noise is emerging. This never ends well.'

'**If you would all kindly direct your attention to the Styx, you will notice the ferry has arrived to transport us, and our...**'

There was a short pause while the king of the gods managed to stop his teeth from involuntarily clenching.

'**...and our **_**glorious **_**former king on a victory cavalcade around the borders of the Underworld.**'

A hubbub of excited voices erupted from the crowds as they pushed towards the ferry, attended by a deeply miffed Charon.

There was a small moment of silence from the assorted chthonic deities and Titans around the playpen before Persephone finally spoke.

''Victory cavalcade'?'

Hades simply wore a look of deep incredulity. 'Has Calliope been freelancing for him again?'

Rhea shook her head and helped Cronus return Chaos to the safety of the playpen. 'I think this is meant to be his idea of a big surprise.'

'Yeah, well, colour me not giving a crap and staying right here.' Bremos pointed to the ground, a slightly panicked smirk pasted across his face.

Hades folded his arms across his chest and glared at his eldest son. 'Brat? Repeat the family motto to me.'

The god of the undead rolled his eyes. 'If I'm suffering, someone else can suffer right along with me.'

'Translation: suck it up, you're coming with us.'

'Daa_aaaaa_d! I don't do floating vessels, as you damn well know. Can't I just stay here with the twins?'

Persephone quickly chimed in. 'Despair will be looking after things here.'

'But Moo_ooooo_m! You _know_ what happens when I go on a boat!'

The goddess of rebirth grabbed her son by the shoulders, span him around and shoved a hand between his shoulder blades, propelling him towards the jetty. 'If you have to, just throw up in the boat and Charon will sort it out the next time the boat gets detailed.'

'But what if Nike sees me puke?'

'From my understanding brat, she already has. Deal with it.'

Bremos aimed his filthiest glower at his father's back. 'Let it be known that I hate everyone, and you're next.'

'Duly noted, and ignored.'

* * *

High above the action, the benu made a few lazy turns in the warm air, its beady eyes squinting down at his beloved mistress, her anarchic jackal-headed demon of a so-called sibling, the three feline princes, and the horrible three-headed canine brute who had damaged his flame-burnished plumage so disgracefully.

Mistress Bast was currently demonstrating her talents in the martial arts with great aplomb. Unfortunately her brother (Ma'at curse him) was not only keeping up with her movements, he wasn't even breaking a sweat.

Or at least, no sweat that could be made out from this distance.

The benu descended a few meters and continued to watch as Bast made a swipe at Anubis's head, only to miss his pointed ears by the width of a claw and have her moved blocked and reversed by the jackal-headed god. It was an oddly masculine throw for such a dignified goddess such as Mistress Bast, almost as if...

Black eyes widened in shock.

Those were the _military_ forms of Sebekkah! No female had ever learned that style of fighting, especially a royal female!

Surely such a breach of royal protocol could not possibly be tolerated, even for his beloved mistress.

Wheeling sharply, the benu launched itself towards the palace of the City of the Dead, screeching at the top of its lungs.

'Mathter Othirith! Mithtresth Ithith! Make hathte! There ith an unacctheptable breach of royal protocolth in progreth!'

* * *

Cerberus's left head took a brief precautionary sniff of air while his other two heads watched Bast launch a flying kick at Anubis's head. The smell of a jackal and lioness, both in their fighting prime met his nostrils, along with a slight smoky smell that he couldn't quite place.

Maa'hes squealed in glee, nearly falling off of his adoptive uncle's paw. Nefertem was hanging from the giant dog's middle neck, roaring his encouragement at the two combatants, and Imhotep...

Imhotep had turned from watching the spar and was staring at the Palace of the City of the Dead, eyes narrowed and sniffing tentatively at the air.

'Uncle Cerberus?'

Cerberus's remaining heads looked around at the sound of the kitty-pup's voice.

/_...Do you smell something too?_/

'Thought I'd _heard_ something, but yeah. Now I can _smell_ something too.'

/_Is it a smoky smell?_/

The lion cub's ears flattened. 'Yeah. And that means one of two things. Either Mom's summoned Sekhmet by accident, or we got feathered company incoming.'

Cerberus frowned. /_Feathered company?_/

Imhotep sighed. Much as he adored the giant guard dog, sometimes he really did seem to be so slow as to actually be running _backwards_. 'The benu. No-one saw it leave, right?'

Cerberus thought. The kitty-pup was right.

Nobody had seen the rude flaming birdie fly away.  
And that birdie looked like it would be a tell-tale.

But who would it tell-tale to?

If one of his brothers or sisters got into trouble, one of them would nearly always tell Mummy Echidna on the other since Daddy Typhon wasn't about.

So if the benu went to tell on Anubis and Bast's daddy...

Cerberus's ears flattened to the point of invisibility against his skulls and his tail crept between his legs as a protective measure.

He knew looking behind him wouldn't end well, so he decided to watch as Imhotep suddenly straightened up, blinked, gulped, closed his eyes and turned around, cracking one eye open in a terrified peek.

Maa'hes and Nefertem followed their brother's gaze and quickly slid off of Cerberus, curling themselves into as tiny balls of fluff and sand as they could manage.

Anubis was the next one to catch a glimpse of the god standing behind his nephew, tapping his foot on the floor and glaring daggers at him and his sister. Bast managed to divert a swipe just in time as she stared at the Lord of the Underworld.

'Ah...Father. This...isn't what it looks like.'

Osiris, god of the afterlife, the underworld and the dead, stood before them bedecked in immaculate white robes and his ostrich-feathered crown, his crook and flail clenched in one hand as he glared at the assembled cats and dogs. His normally clear green skin was flushed an unpleasant purple as he tapped his fingers against a crumbling sandstone pillar.

The benu swooped down and perched on the god's shoulder, looking far too smug for its own good.

'Asth you can thee, thire, the Lord Anubith hasth clearly led histh good thisthter athray and permitted thith...flea-ridden monthrosthity to enter the Thity of the Dead.'

'**That will do, Ascending One.**'

The benu immediately shut up, its face losing some of its previous malicious glee.

Osiris cast a speculative eye at the shamefaced jackal and the almost arrogantly calm lioness before him and pointed at his firstborn.

'**Bastet, what do you have to say for yourself?**'

Bast simply pointed at her brother and pouted. 'He started it!'

Anubis's lips curled back in a snarl as he glared at his sister. 'How did I start it?'

'By inviting that three-headed freak dog over to stalk me and my sons for some insane canine game!'

Cerberus whimpered and tried to pretend he was somewhere else. Maa'hes gently rubbed one of his ears in a gesture of comfort.

'Whoa! Hey! _When_ did the kids come in precisely? On _your_ orders, Miss 'Look-at-me-Perfect-Mother'!'

'They were a distraction!'

'Oh, what, sending your kids in as friendly fire? What's next, sending Ptah in as an undercover agent?'

'**Enough.**'

The lord of the underworld gestured to Anubis. '**And you, Yinepu. What do you say to this?**'

Anubis growled under his breath. 'Just wanted to have some fun. I already said congrats to Hades and Seph on the kids, Cerberus was there, what else did you expect me to do?'

'**To return with the dignity as befits the lord of the City of the Dead**.'

'Pfft. Dignity _shmignity_.'

Osiris's gaze hardened. '**Congratulations, my son. You're grounded.**'

Anubis's eyes widened in disbelief. '_Grounded_? Dad, I'm four thousand years old! I don't even live at home anymore!'

'**And yet, you're still grounded. Ma'at will oversee your punishment.**'

'Daaa_aaaad_!'

The whine went ignored as Osiris turned his gaze to his daughter. '**And the same punishment applies to you, Bastet. You not only failed to act with dignity, but what I have seen of your fighting style is enough for me to know that you have seriously transgressed the boundaries of the martial form.**'

Bast just closed her eyes and muttered a curse under her breath.

Suitably satisfied, the green-skinned god turned his gaze to Cerberus, two of his heads staring mournfully at the ground while the third watched his friend's father with a frightened look.

'**Kerberos.**' (1)

Cerberus whined pathetically. /_I didn't mean to get Anubis into trouble!_/

'**I believe it would be best for you to depart now. You have done very little damage, and it can be remedied easily. Yinepu will show you to the borders of the underworld.**'

The Grecian guard-dog nodded. Even he knew there were times when it was best to just be quiet and leave.

And at least he'd gotten to play with the kitty-pups, even if he hadn't been able to chase Bast.

Maybe next time...

* * *

Nike's face was scrunched up in disgust at the noises emerging from her boyfriend. Bremos had long since abandoned his seat in the royal box on the ferry, and was currently at the aft end, on his knees, reacquainting himself with his dinner.

'Did you ever hope he'd grow out of this?'

Persephone, unwilling to abandon the younger goddess to the unstable digestive tract of her eldest son, had joined Nike shortly after the ferry had passed into Tartarus. She passed a goblet of water to Bremos and sent a shrug in the other goddess's direction.

'To be fair, he was worse when he was younger. You only had to _show_ him the Styx and you needed a change of clothes.'

Bremos's voice wavered out of the depths of his basin. 'Stop maligning my stomach.'

'And he speaks.'

The goddess of rebirth rubbed her son's back as he finally raised his head, his grey face tinged with green.

'How you feeling hun?'

The god of the undead managed a shaky grin. 'I'm ok.'

He burped, gulped and shoved his head back in his basin with a loud retch.

'Ohhhhhh gods...less ok.'

Nike winced in sympathy. 'Mint's meant to be good for stomach problems. You think you could eat some?'

'Uuuuugh...no chance, I know _who_ it's made from _and_ who made it.'

The younger goddess frowned and glanced up at Persephone, doing a double-take at the self-satisfied expression on her face. 'That was _your_ work?'

Persephone merely studied her nails and let a very poisonous smile play across her face.

'She tried to take what was mine. He made his rejection clear and I simply retaliated. Result: one less husband-stealing harlot mincing around Greece and one more tasty new spice for the kitchen. It goes rather nicely with couscous.'

Nike's disgusted expression quickly returned. 'And that's me off North African cuisine for life.'

'Hey, I was off it when it hit the eyeballs.'

Bremos gagged and spat. 'Mom, don't mention eyeballs for the love of sanity.'

The ferry passed under an arch of fire and emerged into a brightly lit cave, filled with birdsong, voices and the unmistakable scent of wine. At the head, Zeus rose and clapped his hands, distracting his father quite nicely from his outrageous flirting with Rhea.

He raised his voice just enough to get his point across. '**Father.**'

Cronus looked, slightly miffed about the interruption.

'Whassup?'

Zeus exhaled slowly and managed to count to ten.

'**Under the conditions of your release, you have been granted permanent residence on the Isles of the Blessed, alongside the Golden Age of Man, to rule over the Elysian Fields.**'

The god of time nodded in appreciation. 'Sweet. So, are we, like, there yet?'

Zeus gestured to the green and golden shores before them. '**Look ahead. The residents of Elysium bid you welcome.**'

Said residents of Elysium whooped and raised their amphorae in a toast. A number of the great heroes of Troy were cheering and rolling out extra barrels of ouzo, while more than a few nymphs dressed in somewhat insubstantial robes were giggling and making beckoning gestures to the aged Titan.

Cronus made to wave back, but was quickly stopped by Rhea holding his wrist down.

He turned his most adorable gaze on his estranged wife and looked up through his eyelashes at her. 'Awww, Rhea babe. They's just bein' friendly. You're the only one who gets t' stay. Y'know, if you wanna.'

Rhea was feeling her steel-like resolve beginning to rust slightly.

'Or, y'know, we don't havta do nuthin', we can jus' talk?'

The rust spread.

The goddess of fertility stood up, dragging her husband with her. They both disappeared in a flash of light, reappearing on the shores of Elysium and waving back at the ferry as they walked off towards the newly-built Palace of Cronus.

Hades, sitting on the port side and sulking quietly, was the only one who noticed that his parents had been holding hands as they vanished.

/Eh. Go Dad./

* * *

/_I really didn't mean to get you into trouble Anubis; I really, really didn't!_/

Sadly mooching back towards the Grecian/Egyptian underworld boundaries, Cerberus whimpered and gently butted Anubis's arm with his left head.

The jackal-headed god shook his head and scratched his friend behind the ear. /_Relax, bud. It's the same amount of trouble I'd've gotten into even if you __**weren't**__ there. And it's less than what I'd've gotten into if the kids weren't there and we were **actually** going for it._/

Cerberus frowned. _Actually_ going for it?

/_You mean you weren't trying to properly fight Bast?_/

Anubis grinned. /_Nah, that was just sparring. I have few limits, but Bast and I are hardly gonna tear the proverbial outta each other when her kids are there. She's all-powerful to those three, and I'm not gonna be the one to shake that faith._/

/_But she's a kitty, and you're a dog!_/

The scent of vines and rich soil reached the noses of the guard dog and the jackal. They had safely reached the boundary of the Egyptian underworld. Anubis settled himself on a rock while he watched his larger companion cross over.

/_Cerberus?_/

/_Hmm?_/

The god of the dead looked oddly thoughtful as he studied his friend.

/_She's still my sister. Still family. You ever have a pup of your own, you're gonna understand how her kids look up to her, and how much it means only too well._/

Cerberus's eyes narrowed in thought. With a nod at his best friend, he turned and started to make his way home, thinking about how a pup could make everything different, even around kitties.

But if he could only understand it by having a pup of his own...then maybe he needed to have a pup of his own!

This would take some more thought.

And maybe a snack.

But mostly some thought.

* * *

A gleam of white drew Anubis's attention away from Cerberus's retreating form. Leaning over the side of his rock, he spotted the unmistakable shape of an ostrich egg, lying in a heap of dust.

Considering it was breeding season upstairs, that meant it was probably one of the eggs from a weaker female. No idea how it had gotten down here, but he wasn't about to question it.

And at least if he was about to spend the next week sulking in the Palace, at least he could start it with a nice meal.

Scooping it up with one hand, Anubis slid off his rock and started trotting back to the City of the Dead.

He didn't bother to think about why the egg was still warm.

* * *

TBC

* * *

(1) Osiris doesn't exactly strike me as one of the 'fun' gods, so here, he's using the more formal/correct forms of Anubis, Bast and Cerberus's names. It's kind of the equivalent of your parents using your full name when you got into trouble as a kid.

* * *

Hades: So by this definition, I'm considered to be one of the 'fun' gods?

Melora: Not so much 'fun', more 'slightly less likely to make me want to tear my own head off and eat it' gods.

Hades: You do know someone in my family probably _did_ eat their own head at some point?

Melora: Frankly, _nothing_ about your family surprises me anymore.


	50. Chapter 50: A Day in the Whatever Part 1

A/N: Am amazed and rather humbled by how many people still read this after...oh good grief, I started writing this in 2002. Eleven years and 50 chapters. Now there's a scary thought.

Also, to a few anonymous reviewers, please read the author's notes at the bottom of my profile and note this fic is in the DISNEY section for a _reason_.

* * *

Hades: And you still act like you haven't grown up.

Melora: I like to think I'm a tad more mature than the average 18-year-old.

Hades: Mentally maybe. Physically, still short.

Melora: Hey, one, 5' 6" ain't short. Two, less of the height jabs; that's what Sir is for.

* * *

Disclaimer: After...hell's teeth, 50 chapters, you all know the deal. What's mine is mine, what's Disney's is Disney's. This may or may not include a few members of yet another pantheon...

/…/ denotes thoughts

/_italics_/ denotes canine communication

-…- denotes baby communication

* * *

**I Won't Say It: Part 50**

* * *

The irritating little voice at the back of her brain, which sounded far too much like Trivia for her taste, told Persephone she should probably make some effort to get to the bathroom before one or both of her post-partum annoyances made themselves obvious.

Instead, she just groaned and cuddled deeper into the bed, seeking out the blanket-covered lump that was her husband and pressing herself into his side.

"Mornin', babe."

Hades rolled over just enough to loop his arms around his wife's frame, careful not to press too hard against her chest or her stomach. He rested his face against the back of her head and breathed in the scent of her hair as she wrapped her fingers around his.

"You get any sleep?"

"Mmmmmh... a bit. Better than the last few nights, that's for sure."

Persephone turned around in Hades' embrace and rested her forehead against his. "Remind me again why men can't breast-feed?"

"Lack of boobs?"

Persephone just gave him a Look.

"Ok, to amend the previous statement, lack of _functioning_ boobs."

"And the knowledge that you'd never get anything done if you had real ones."

Hades let his eyes drift down to the area under scrutiny. "Hey, me and most of the male population."

The goddess of rebirth winced at the twin throbs of pain now making themselves quite difficult to ignore under her night robe. She sat up and tentatively stretched her arms, hissing through her teeth as the muscles in her chest tightened.

"Still tender?"

"About the same as the past week."

Hades sat up and fixed his wife with one of his more steely gazes. "Are you ever gonna try what your mom suggested?"

"Frankly I'd like to avoid it as long as possible."

He resisted the urge to roll his eyes. "Babe, you know I'd rather eat my own eyeballs than agree with your mom on anything, but..."

He looped an arm around the goddess's waist and carefully pulled her to him. "...Anything that might make you feel less like crap and more, y'know, like _you_...s'gotta be worth a try, right?"

Persephone exhaled sharply and deliberately stared at one of the bedposts. "No matter how old I get, I will never want to admit my mother could be right on _anything_ to do with my life down here. And don't deny it, because you're exactly the same with Rhea."

"Yeah, point, but that ain't all of it. So spill."

She dragged her eyes back to meet Hades's own.

"...Fine."

She snuggled into the Lord of the Dead's arms and let the heat from his chest seep into her breasts.

"The whole post-birth thing? Not what you'd call alluring. I haven't slept properly in about a month; my stomach muscles have about the same strength and consistency as a soufflé; anything below the waste is still sore, leaking or both; to combat any mess resulting from said leakage I'm wearing what can only be described as a diaper, and I have an infection up top, on both sides, which is both hurting and leaking."

The heat was starting to help a tiny bit, as were Hades's hands against her hips.

"And what does my mother suggest for the last problem? Cabbage leaves. To recap, she wants me to stuff half a savoy in each bandage up top, and wear something that I stopped needing when I was three down below. The gods know I don't think it's particularly sexy, and..."

"And...?"

Persephone looked up, trying to fight off tears of embarrassment. "I-I guess I just want you to still see me as...well, not a wreck. Like I was before."

Hades was silent for a few seconds, conveniently long enough for her to fight down her tears and regain a bit of self-control.

The hands massaging her hips suddenly lifted her up and onto her husband's lap, high enough so that she had to look down at him to see his face, but just at the right height for him to stretch up and kiss her. Her arms looped around his shoulders as he deepened the kiss and rubbed her back.

Breaking apart only to get some much-needed air, Hades stared up at his wife through hooded eyes and smirked.

"My memory's a little hazy right now, but that whole first year of marriage? Think you spent a lot of that puking and pregnant."

"You're not really helping right now."

"Wait, there's a point coming." He settled back against his pillow and studied Persephone's frame.

"Even when you were shoutin' up your breakfast, I thought you were the hottest thing on two legs. Still do."

He pulled her down into his arms and planted a kiss on her lower lip. "Always will."

The goddess of rebirth cuddled into the embrace and rested her head against Hades's chest.

"Thanks."

A smirk quickly lit up her face.

"Only you could make vomiting sound romantic."

"Hey, bonds of blood are for wimps. Bonds of puke – longer-lasting and more memorable. So will you please just suck it up and give the cabbage thing a whirl?"

She sighed. "_Alright_. But please note that any comments from you along the lines of the contents of the pantry or the clean-up of Thermopylae _will_ get you banished to the throne room come bedtime."

"Message received and understood. Now..."

Hades smiled and deliberately let his hands slide down his wife's frame, his long fingers playing with the hem of her nightshirt.

"...Is there any chance of you becoming a little less clothed over the course of this conversation?"

Persephone raised an eyebrow at the request, but didn't budge from her current position. "Er, see above? Cabbage, assorted bodily fluids, and wobbly bits?"

The Lord of the Dead's smile became a little more shark-like. "Appetiser, doesn't bother me, and more of you to shamelessly grope?"

The goddess was just about to answer when a small cry started to echo down the hallway, followed quickly and no less enthusiastically by its twin.

"I believe that's your answer right there."

The Lord of the Underworld sighed through his nose, but didn't fight his wife as she slid out of bed and grabbed her robe from the floor, pausing long enough to plant a kiss on his cheek before heading out to feed the twins. Taking a tiny amount of pity on him, Persephone raised her voice just enough to be heard down the corridor.

"Just think of something constructive to do!"

Hades rolled his eyes and pouted, letting a whine seep into his voice. "I already did - it involved you, me and gratuitous nudity!"

* * *

In the kitchen, Bremos blearily glanced up at the sound of his parents' conversation and shuddered. "For the sake of my crumbling sanity, I don't wanna know."

"Crumblin' what-now, lil' dude?" Cronus took a brief break from raiding the pantry to glance at the back of his grandson's flame-topped head.

"Sanity, Grandpa. The mental quality that our inbred pot-plant of a family tree failed to be blessed with any great quantities of?"

The god of time shrugged his lean shoulders and returned to his foraging, his blue eyes lighting up as he spied a fresh block of halloumi wrapped in mint. Behind him, resting one of his heads on the window-sill, Cerberus sniffed at the air hopefully. He had quickly worked out that as long as he didn't move too suddenly, his newest and eldest master would sneak him some tasty treats from the funny cold room inside the kitchen.

"Think your mom'll mind if I make a start on this?"

Bremos returned the shrug in kind before turning back to his half-eaten spanakopita. "Eh, knock yourself out. I already ate that calamari Aunt Amphitrite sent down to Mom."

"And whaddya know, prayers _do_ get answered." Hades made a reluctant entrance into the kitchen and immediately headed for the pre-prepared mug of hot brown grit that his eldest son had the nerve to call coffee.

"Not prayers Dad, just predictability."

"Helped by your gramps having a permanent case of the munchies."

Cronus simply quirked a smile at his youngest son. "Hey. You get ta eat more that way."

Hades waved a hand in his father's general direction. "Speaking of, hit me."

A wedge of halloumi appeared in his palm right before Cronus appeared from the pantry armed with a plate of pitta bread and the remains of the previous night's lamb roast, the rest of the mint covered cheese tucked under one gangly arm.

The Lord of the Dead raised an eyebrow. "Pretty sure that ain't breakfast food, Dad."

Bremos glanced at the incoming mass of food and attempted a look of teenage self-righteousness combined with tacit approval. "So Grandpa doesn't wanna conform to the populist view of what constitutes breakfast food. Go him."

With a twin cuddled in each arm, Persephone walked into the kitchen and gratefully took a seat, giving her eldest son a side-eye as she did. "Stop using words of more than three syllables around your grandfather, you know it just confuses him."

"I like populists. They's all funky and red and black...flowers that don't give anyone hassle." Cronus beamed and returned his attention to his food.

Bremos paused as he thought, then sighed and slumped. "Those are _poppies_, Grandpa, not...aw, why do I bother?"

His father shrugged. "Got me. Glutton for punishment?"

"Meh, probably. Think I'll stick with just glutton. Genetically speaking, it's easier to work with. Anyway..."

The god of the undead stood up, the dregs of his breakfast clutched in one hand, stretched and rolled his shoulders until they cracked, then hoisted his book bag onto his shoulder. "Off topside, back later, detention 'til dinner."

With that, he mooched out of the kitchen towards the palace doors.

Persephone gave it three seconds before yelling after him. "Did you remember your philosophy essay?"

A somewhat loaded silence was, as expected, ended with a muttered, "...Dammit!"

"And you wonder why you're in detention 'til you graduate!"

She chuckled under her breath and carefully passed a snoozing Lakchos over to Hades, and a slightly more wakeful Chaos over to her grandfather. As was now his new and rather welcome habit, Cronus immediately wrapped his wiry arms around his granddaughter as tightly as he would risk, then tuck her head under his chin and let his body heat soothe the tiny goddess. Chaos would, in turn, respond with grabbing two handfuls of the god of time's beard and tugging at it in glee – never enough to hurt, but just enough to bring a smile to her grandfather's face.

Taking advantage of both gods having their arms full, Persephone loaded up a spare plate with the remains of the lamb roast and a few peppers, summoned a skewer out of the ether and cast a pointed stare at Hades.

The Lord of the Underworld glanced first at his wife, then at the skewer, then at the stove, and finally back at his wife.

"No."

Persephone tilted her head, stared up through her eyelashes and affected a suitably winsome pout.

"Still no."

Time to play dirty.

She batted her eyelids. "But the stove's all the way over there, and you're here, and it's convenient. And I want something hot to start the morning with."

"Hey, I offered you something hot ten minutes ago."

"Sweetie, the only hot thing I want right now is breakfast. Pleeeease?"

"We have minions. We have a number of minions. The minions cook."

Hades glanced around, slight panic in his eyes. "Why are there no minions?"

Persephone smirked. "The minions are currently doing a clean-out of the kids' bathrooms. Despair is supervising. Nice try. Again, pleeeease?"

Sensing he was about to lose what little dignity he could usually retain of a morning, Hades sent a pleading look over to his father.

Cronus shook his head in fond amusement. "No can do, man. Ya never argue with a _lady_."

He tipped his daughter-in-law a wink as he spoke, and received an appreciative smile in return before he returned his full attention back to his now-dozing granddaughter.

Hades lasted a further three seconds before he sighed and slouched lower in his chair.

"Fiiiiine."

A fully loaded kebab skewer was slowly rotating over his flaming head in less than a minute. Persephone quickly removed Lakchos from his father's arms and settled him against her shoulder as she kept one eye on her breakfast.

Hades folded his arms and sulked. "Y'know, mortals fear me. They don't name me properly unless they gotta, they won't swear any oaths to me; hell, they don't even look at the sacrifice pits when they hit me up with a few dead sheep. _That's_ publicity you can't buy. "

He glowered upwards at the browning kebab. "This here, seriously? Not scary. Not even a lil' bit fear-inspiring."

"Maybe not, but it is kind of cute. So less sulking, more reheating."

Somewhere along the line, Hades felt his domestic life had definitely taken a turn for the surreal.

He took some consolation however in watching Lakchos waking up and watching said kebab rotating with a look of absolute wonder on his little face.

* * *

Twins now both fed and dozing, and his dad apparently having cleared off to his own palace after decimating the contents of the pantry, Hades was now feeling considerably mellower about the start of the working day.

Admittedly the day would've been more fun with a little second-base action to start off with, but Seph had simply grinned, patted him gently on the cheek, and then barricaded herself in her study with a giant pot of coffee and orders only to disturb her for lunch, the twins' feeds or an am-dram episode in one of the earth's main pantheons.

Clipboard in hand, he mooched towards the throne-room, his eyes skimming over the items of business.

River Cocytus backed up again; get the imps to dump a few blocks of salt in when the Health and Safety weenies aren't looking.

The vultures in the Field of Punishment want to change to shift work; get the union rep to reiterate that the Underworld runs as a dictatorship.

Tantalus complaining about what the pool of water was doing to the skin on his feet; change water to vinegar and see how much he's prepared to bitch then.

A worried squawk somewhere around knee-level brought Hades out of his thoughts, followed closely by the sensation of having something squishy and wriggling underfoot.

"Uhhh, boss?"

Hades glanced down, rolled his eyes and lifted his foot off of Torment's back.

"Really? This is something that happens now?"

In front of the throne-room doors, Pain twisted his claws together and looked slightly awkward.

"Just some pre-emptive grovelling, Your Most Visceral-ness."

Hades raised an eyebrow. "Ok, _this_ is new. Explain pre-emptive grovelling?"

Torment rubbed his back, wincing as his ribs cracked into place, and tried to make himself look as small and sorry as possible. "What's in there isn't our fault and we did try to move it?"

Hades blinked. Slowly.

The reference to 'what' rather than 'who' indicated that whatever was in there probably wasn't a deity, and if it was the mutt or one of the mutt's equally demented siblings, Echidna would've long since arrived, apologized profusely, removed said demented offspring, and borrowed his wife for a spa day by way of female bonding.

A loud crash which sounded ominously like his chessboard biting the big one didn't exactly fill him with joy, and the low scratching sound underpinning the crash definitely didn't sound particularly god-shaped.

He sighed and decided to see just how bad it could be.

The...thing occupying the window and a good portion of the floor stilled in its movements as Hades cautiously poked his head round the door. It recognised the flame-headed god almost immediately.

Before it could open its mouth however, Hades had shoved the doors wide open and now stood, hands on hips, glowering in barely restrained annoyance.

"Definitely a snake, too big to be a basilisk, and the fact I ain't a toasty statue right now puts paid to you being Ophion. Out where I can see ya, NOW."

The giant serpent wriggled as much of its body into the torchlight as it could and grinned hopefully. Green and black scales gleamed in the flames, while eerie golden eyes stared down at the imps, pupils already narrowed to mere slits. Its entire body easily filled the throne-room with flesh to spare, and said flesh was dangling out of the window and splashing merrily in the waters of the Styx. Somewhere around the back door of the palace, three deeply annoyed and semi-hysterical canine barks could be heard as Cerberus took justifiable offense at the portion of the intruder parked in his favourite nap-time spot.

Hades slapped a hand over his face and groaned.

"Oh, c'mon. Clotho, Lachesis, Atropos? Please ladies, for the love of Tartarus, don't do this to me."

The serpent hissed and made a playful lunge at the two cowering imps. Pain immediately shoved his little brother into the line of fire, right before Torment managed a near anatomically impossible back-flip and scrambled out of biting distance.

Hades didn't bother moving his hand away from his face. "Boys, does anyone feel like explaining why the Midgard Serpent is currently clogging up my throne-room?"

* * *

Stretching upwards and trying to ignore the itch of the cabbage leaves strapped into the top of her chiton, Persephone leaned back from her desk and closed her eyes.

Trying to reincarnate anything on three hours of sleep was probably asking for trouble, but it wasn't like goddesses got maternity leave. And credit where it was due, Hades and Despair would always try and take the twins for a couple of hours while she got some shut-eye.

But it would be nice to have a full night's sleep sometime soon.

The sudden sound of flames and smoke behind her brought her temporarily out of her musings. She returned to her reading and didn't even bother glancing round. "If you're in here to work, you stay quiet. No whining about staff appraisals, no complaints about your brother, zip."

Blissful silence reigned supreme.

Or at least, for as long as it took for the other god to lean gracefully over the back of Persephone's chair and place a kiss on her collarbone.

_Ooooh_.

She shivered. That was a tad unexpected, but rather nice.

Another, harder kiss followed the first, cool teeth nipping slightly at her skin.

Cool.

Teeth.

Waaaait a sec.

Hades was never cold. It went with the hair.

And with his teeth being that little bit sharper than most, he never risked using them on her anywhere other than in the safety and privacy of their bedroom.

She carefully laid her parchment down and slowly brought her right hand in towards her body, curling her fingers into a fist.

The intruder moved his attentions slightly lower and towards her shoulder blade, not paying any attention to the slight muscle twitches he could feel under his lips.

Persephone paused for a heartbeat...and snapped her arm straight up and back into the god's face in a little move she had learned from Lady Shiva.

"GYAAAAARGH, HEL'S TEETH WOMAN!"

Loki, the Norse god of mischief and resident ice giant of the Aesir, reared up in agony, both hands clasped over his now streaming right eye. Stumbling backwards, he managed to locate the couch and crashed down onto a pile of cushions.

"Do you do that to every man who tries to kiss you?"

Persephone turned halfway round in her chair, tented her fingers together and raised an eyebrow. "Only to the ones I can't scalp. And since I'm fairly sure Odin wants you back in one piece, I will content myself with asking: what the hell are you doing here?"

She did a quick double-take at the Norse god's slender frame and raised the other eyebrow in reluctant appreciation.

"Though as a side-note, liking the new glamour. What's it in aid of?"

The hair and skin in various shades of purple had disappeared, and in their place was jet-black hair, pale skin and a rather interesting amount of leather. Only one unchanged blue eye was visible, and the look it was currently sending in Persephone's direction wasn't exactly filled with cross-pantheon goodwill. (1)

Loki poked warily at the skin surrounding his eye, winced briefly, and settled himself into a more elegant lounge against the couch cushions. "Why must a change of appearance be in aid of anything, milady Spring?"

"Mmmmmh...because it's _you_, and you're normally either trying to avoid someone, get on someone's good side, or get into someone's clothing. Most of the time, it's a combo."

Loki let out a brief snort of amusement. "Ah, you know me so well."

He let his eyes rove over the goddess's frame and smirked. "You could get to know me more intimately; my offer still stands. You'd _so_ enjoy it."

Persephone returned the smirk in kind. "Possibly, but nowhere near as much as you currently enjoy having your little frost giant attached and working."

"I resent the 'little'."

"Whatever you say sweetie."

She grabbed the somewhat tepid coffee pot and summoned a spare mug. "So, back to my second question, which may in turn, answer the first; what's with the new glamour, and what are you doing down here?"

The dark-haired jötunn squinted an eye shut, opened his mouth, hesitated, and then sighed and stared down at the floor. "Angrboða is with child once again, and I...merely felt she needed something a little more visually pleasing than usual to lift her spirits."

Normally an admission like this would result in a hearty round of mockery, but Persephone was only too aware of what had happened to Loki's other children after their roles in Ragnarök were prophesied. Hel admittedly had quite a good gig going in Niflheim, and Jörmungandr was having more than his fair share of fun traumatising the sailors in Earth's oceans, but it didn't change the fact that Odin had deliberately separated Loki from his children long before they had even reached maturity. And all because the Aesir had decided to have a collective panic attack rather than a rational debate.

Then again, this was the pantheon that had come up with epic poetry as a form of insult, so she wasn't getting her hopes up too much over the rational debate option.

She shot him a more sympathetic smile than before. "Hey. Maybe you'll get third time lucky."

Loki briefly rolled his eyes, but followed it up with a grateful look as he sipped at his coffee.

"I'm still not hearing an answer to my first question though."

He rested his mug against his knee and slouched into the cushions. "Honestly? I'm avoiding Asgard."

The Queen of the Dead turned her chair around properly, and leaned back with a sigh. "What have you done now?"

"Absolutely nothing for once!"

"Which means you either need to do something which probably won't be big on dignity, or you're due for some sort of suitably barbaric punishment."

The trickster god just gave her a flat Look.

She shrugged. "I've raised a teenager. I've heard all the excuses."

"Honestly, I've done _nothing_. I'm merely being blamed for another creature's efficiency, and I've been threatened with some form of horrendous death unless I put a dent in said creature's efficiency. I do not appreciate clumsy threats from Odin or any of his people, so I felt that a little tactical retreat south and a visit to my son would be an appropriate use of my time."

Persephone's eyes widened. "Hold it. Visit to your son means..."

A sort of whiny bellow suddenly roared through the corridors of the palace, perfectly combining fury, helplessness, the desire for someone to fix whatever part of the universe had just gone wrong, and an overwhelming urge to convey that, whatever had just happened, it was not that person's fault.

"SEEEEEPH?!"

She hung her head and groaned. "You bought Jörmungandr into the Grecian Underworld."

Loki shrugged and returned to his coffee. "He likes to visit Cerberus."

"No, he likes to _exploit_ Cerberus and our pantry. There's a big difference."

* * *

All six of Cerberus's red eyes were narrowed in utter fury as he barked at the tail resting in front of him.

Resting in _his_ favourite nap-time spot.

That was _his_ nap-time spot, no-one else's nap-time spot. No-one was allowed to take _his_ nap-time spot and everyone knew it. Even when the pretty Lady Rhea's kitties had been down here, even they hadn't dared go near _his_ nap-time spot.

And now there was a big scaly mean snake tail taking up _his_ nap-time spot.

If the big scaly mean snake didn't move its tail **right now**, he was going to bite it as hard he could.

And his bite was very, very nasty.

Cerberus snarled and sniffed carefully at the green and black scales, trying to decide which bit of the tail looked the juiciest. The juiciest bits on something that was alive usually meant that they hurt the most when bitten. The underside of the tail would be the best, but if he couldn't get at it, then finding the loosest scales would be the best...

The tail twitched and curled. Cerberus pinned his ears back as the tail moved just enough to expose its underside.

He hunkered down like he'd seen kitties do when they were hunting, but with his rear in the air and tail wagging.

The big mean scaly snake was going to have a very nasty surprise.

No-one took his nap-time spot and lived to tell about it!

He dug his claws into the ground and wriggled his shoulders, letting an excited growl out. Just a little more, just a little more...

The tail stiffened, and suddenly moved out of the way.

Cerberus paused, identical doggy frowns on his three faces.

That wasn't like Ophion! He would always stay still until Cerberus pounced on him, then he would scream like a spoilt pup for Master Seph or Master Hades, and then he would always ask for Cerberus to be punished properly.

Master Seph and Master Hades never punished him though. They knew that if someone tried to take his nap-time spot, he would do what he needed to do to get it back!

"Three-heads!"

Cerberus went still, his eyes wide.

Only one being ever called him that, and he still hadn't figured out how to make him stop.

He snarled and made sure he sat down in his nap-time spot before glaring at the grinning serpent next to him. /_What are __**you**__ doing here, Jör? You're not allowed down here._/

Jörmungandr carefully twisted his body into a coil, his golden eyes bright. "Papa was visiting me, and he suggested that we come for a visit to see Lady Persephone."

The three-headed dog glowered. He had met Jör's daddy Loki before, and he hadn't been impressed. He smelled of cold and ice and odd things, and he kept trying to talk Master Seph into doing the thing that made pups happen.

Master Seph would always say no, and she had hit Loki with a mace the last time he had tried to talk her into doing that thing, but that didn't mean he or Master Hades had to like it.

/_Loki better not be trying any silly things with Master Seph. If he does, I'll bite him._/

The serpent sniggered, only too aware of his father's...proclivities. "If he did, you'd be biting him _after_ Mama got through with him. She's having another baby and she's grumpy."

Cerberus perked up. Pups, even if they were Jör's brothers and sisters, were always a good thing. /_Does she know if it's a boy pup or a girl pup?_/

"She knows it's got limbs. That's all I know."

Off of the three confused looks from his companion, the Midgard Serpent sighed. "Mama's a proper ice giant. Papa's half ice giant and half elf. Hel is half nymph and half zombie. I'm a snake. If Mama knows the new baby's got limbs, then that's probably a good thing."

Cerberus quizzically tilted two of his heads. /_But all pups have limbs. Don't they?_/

"...Yes, but most gods don't have different _numbers_ of limbs. How many limbs do the twins have?"

Cerberus thought for a moment, and then beamed. /_More limbs than I have heads._/

"Oh, ask a stupid question." Jörmungandr sighed and glanced at the palace. His stomach rumbled briefly; that piece of kraken tentacle he had eaten earlier hadn't gone down without a fight, but there was always room for a little snack.

He decided to try his luck and gave the three-headed dog an aside glance.

"Does Despair still make that amazing snail thing?"

Cerberus had heard Jör's tummy rumbling, and his now rumbled in kind. A snack sounded like a good idea!

/_I think so. We could go and find her, and you can see the pups!_/

The serpent paused, thought for a second and shrugged as much as he could manage. "Sounds like a plan. Suppose I have to find out what being a big brother will be like."

Cerberus yawned, stretched and started trotting happily towards the back of the palace. /_You'll like the pups, I know you will!_/

* * *

Ok, one problem down, one fairly large query raising its head.

While the assorted imp siblings were busy grovelling on the floor and frantically scooping chess pieces back onto the table, Hades cast a look at Jörmungandr's retreating form and frowned. Apart from the whole 'bane of sailors and their boats' issue, the Norse serpent of the seas was generally an obedient lil' snakelet and rarely ever ventured into other mythological domains.

Unless Frosty the Ice-Giant was involved, then all bets were off. Jörmungandr was nothing if not loyal to his parents, even if one of them was Loki, and was happy to follow him to the ends of the Earth, metaphorically and apocalyptically speaking...

Hades's eyes shot open in horror.

Seph hadn't bellowed back.

Jörmungandr was in the Underworld.

That meant Loki was...

/Oh gods, NOOOOOOOOOOOO-!/

The Lord of the Dead disappeared in a rush of irate flames.

* * *

Despair stood in the nursery doorway, clawed hands on her hips, and sighed.

"Lord Cronus."

The former king of the Titans tilted his head back just enough to flash a grin at the impette's storm-grey feet. "Whassup, lil' lady?"

"Lady Persephone and I are _attempting_ to keep the twins to a schedule. This is _meant_ to be nap-time."

Cronus summoned his best puppy eyes and winsome grin, but didn't move from where he was lying on the floor.

"They ain't nappin' now, weren't nappin' when I came in."

He turned his attention back to his grandchildren, both of whom were laying face-up on his chest, a protective barrier of cushions and toys tucked against their sides, and staring up in sheer amazement at the god of time's wrinkled hands.

Long, tanned hands and fingers moved with a fluid grace that the average Bhangra dancer would have committed murder for as they twisted in the air above the twins. Lakchos wriggled in delight as he felt the gentle rumble of Grandpa Cronus's voice run right through his little body. Beside him, Chaos tried to reach up and follow her grandfather's hands with her own, knowing that they might come down and tickle her, but there was always the danger that they might change into...

"Yeah...that tree's pretty chilled an' all, but you lil' guys know he ain't always so chilled..."

Lakchos's mouth formed a little 'o' of delight. Chaos giggled. They knew what was coming!

The god of time chuckled and hooked his thumbs together to form a beaked head, flapping his fingers to mimic a bird's wings.

"Ooooh, that mean ol' albatross is comin' back, he's comin' back and he wants...a...NOOOOSE!"

The albatross dived and hovered above Chaos, its beak gently wiggling her nose. The tiny goddess shrieked with giggles while her brother made a grab for the albatross's wings with a squeal of joy, finally pulling two of Cronus's fingers down low enough for him to chew on.

Best. Game. Ever.

"Yeah...you get that mean ol' shapeshiftin' nose-stealin' albatross lil' dude, he ain't gonna steal your sister's nose with YOU on th' case!" (2)

Cronus twisted his head back to gaze at Despair. "See?"

The impette gave him one of her best Looks. "They can have five more minutes, and then it is definitely nap-time."

The lanky Titan pouted. "Awww."

Despair flicked a glance at the spare bed in the corner of the room and sighed. "...You can stay for nap-time too if you want."

"Cool!"

A sudden movement at the window caught Cronus's eye.

"So whaddabout the pup an' the big scaly dude? They stayin' too?"

Despair's eyes followed the direction of the Titan's confused gaze until she spotted the two creatures under question. Cerberus had somehow managed to jam all three of his heads in the window frame and was staring in utter astonishment at the evil machinations of the Nose-Stealing Albatross, while the serpent's head above them was studying the twins and the Albatross with equal curiosity.

She sent a stern glare in her big brother's general direction. "Cerberus, out of the window."

Cerberus whimpered and managed to yank two of his heads out of the window without removing the frame.

Another glare was levelled at the Midgard Serpent. "Jörmungandr, who told you that you were allowed in here?"

The giant snake jerked his head in Cerberus's direction. "He said it was alright. I'm hungry. Is there food? I was told that there was food."

He leaned in a little further and carefully butted Lakchos's foot with his snout. "Is this a baby?"

Cronus gathered his grandchildren more securely in his arms and glowered at Jörmungandr. "They's babies, and they _ain't_ food."

"I was just asking. Most babies I've seen are wolf-shaped or fish-shaped. Person-shaped is different."

He cautiously flicked his forked tongue towards Chaos, who leaned out of her grandfather's arms to try and touch it. Lakchos watched but didn't fuss. He could tell the big snake wasn't about to hurt him or his sister, and anyway, if it tried, Cerberus was there. Cerberus always looked after them.

The three-headed dog in question stared down at his littlest masters with pride, and then back at his serpentine companion.

/_See? They're nice!_/

"Hmmm. They're kind of small."

Despair raised an eyebrow. "Your parents are both giants. I think you just have an odd perspective on what's small."

Jörmungandr slowly retreated, careful not to upset either of the twins, and coiled himself up next to Cerberus. "Small, but yes, they do seem alright for person-shaped babies. Is there food?"

The impette's eyes took in the two hopeful-looking mythological creatures, the permanently out-to-lunch Titan, and the immortal twins snuggled in his arms, and sighed.

"Lord Cronus, please put the twins down for their nap, and then put yourself down for a nap. Jörmungandr and Cerberus, go to the kitchen and _wait for me_. No going into the larder by yourselves."

Cerberus pouted. /_But master Bremos is allowed into the larder by himself._/

"Master Bremos has only one head, is not taking part in the apocalypse as far as I'm aware, and doesn't eat until he's sick. Or proceed to _eat_ the sick afterwards."

/_Mummy Echidna always said not to waste food._/

* * *

Hades's hair was now a glorious shade of orange.

Loki's skin was turning an ominous shade of blue.

Persephone just pinched the bridge of her nose and shook her head.

"Would the pair of you just sit down!?"

The Lord of the Dead snarled. "He's been within 500 yards of you, and I trust him _muchos_ less than I can throw him."

Loki shot him a derisive look in return. "Really. And how far would that be?"

"Far enough down to melt your pretty face if you go near Seph again!"

"I have done _nothing_ to your lady wife. Unlike your dear elder brother, I happen to believe in informed consent!"

"Yeah? Well, Mister Informed Consent's about to get another black eye if he doesn't shut his yap!"

"BOYS!"

The argument was suddenly curtailed as both Hades and Loki had their nearest earlobes gripped and twisted hard enough to have them bent double and squealing.

Persephone glared at both of them and pinched harder. "This got old the first time you went at it. Now, you are just creating a cloud of testosterone so thick you're in danger of making _yourselves_ pregnant. Sit down and try to at least act your IQs if not your ages."

Hades winced and squeaked. "Ok, ok, leggo leggo leggo..."

"Are you going to act your age?"

"...Yeah, please leggo now?"

He poked the god of mischief in the gut. "We're good, right?"

Loki's teeth were clenched, but he somehow managed to nod his agreement.

The goddess of rebirth gave them both a Look, but released them from the death grips on their ears.

Hades rubbed his aching ear as he settled back into the chair nearest his wife. Loki reclaimed his position on the couch and shot a filthy look in the flame-headed god's direction.

"Anyway..."

A mug of coffee was waved under his nose. "You actually timed that well."

Hades raised an eyebrow as he buried his face in the mug. "The general appearance or the death threats?"

Persephone rolled her eyes briefly. "Appearance. Odin's having problems with building contractors in Asgard, and Loki apparently has to pull a solution out of his ass."

"Along with the stick jammed up there..."

He earned a sharp elbow in the side. "_Behave_."

Loki just snickered.

"_And_ you."

He held up his hands in a gesture of peace. "I do enjoy these visits, milady Spring. I get charming company _and_ a show."

Hades deliberately let his flames turn red. Persephone intervened.

"Do you actually _want_ some help or are you just going to sit there and snark?"

"I get a choice?"

She glared.

"Fine, help. Please."

Hades, now freshly caffeinated, was feeling a teeny tiny taddette better disposed towards the frost giant. Leaning back in his chair, he folded his arms behind his head and nodded at Loki. "Ok, hit me."

"Don't tempt me..."

Off of Persephone's warning glare, Loki sighed and sat back.

"Odin wished to have a mighty wall built around Asgard that would be strong enough to keep out our enemies. One giant answered the call, and Odin, in a fit of terminal idiocy, told him that he must complete the building work in three seasons, with no help from man or god. If he did so, he would earn Freya as his bride, along with Sunna and Máni as...companions. The giant agreed, and asked if he would be allowed some help from his horse. I saw no issue with this, so I pressed Odin to grant this request."

Loki growled under his breath. "I didn't know that the _sodding_ horse was twice as strong as the giant."

Hades winced. "Ah."

"I'm down to only a few days before the deadline, the wall is nearly built, and all of Asgard has decided that as this is _somehow_ all my fault, I have to come up with a way to stop the animal, or they'll get to see what colour my lungs are when they perform a blood eagle on me and sling me over the boughs of Yggdrasil."

The Lord of the Dead thought for a few minutes. "...Do something to a goat? Maybe a wolf? Or a goat-wolf? There's always a goat or a wolf involved somewhere, right?"

Loki glowered. "You are not helping."

"Nope, I'm poking fun. That's officially the best you're gettin' out of me."

The god of mischief paused, and then turned giant blue puppy eyes on Persephone.

She shook her head. "Sweetie, my main rule for a quiet life is, if any of the senior gods have a bright idea, try and stay the hell out of it."

"Oh, _very_ helpful."

Persephone held her arms out in the universal gesture of 'oh-gods-give-me-_strength_' and frowned.

"Well I don't know. You're a shapeshifter. Use your feminine wiles or something."

Loki immediately stiffened, his eyes wide. A tiny smile crept onto his face as his mind raced.

"Feminine wiles..."

He stood up and brushed invisible flecks of dust off his clothes before kneeling down and taking one of Persephone's hands in his.

"_You_ are a genius."

He pressed a cold kiss onto her knuckles. Hades growled and aimed a death-glare at the back of his head.

"Send Jör back once he's eaten his fill. I shall take my leave and see if your suggestion bears fruit."

Persephone's eyes went wide. "Loki, wai-"

With a bow, the god of mischief vanished in a cloud of green fire and black smoke.

Hades stared down at the little pile of smouldering ash on the floor and snorted. "I can see this going _so_ wrong, so very, _very_ spectacularly."

The goddess of rebirth poked him in the shoulder. "Less of the gloating, it's not attractive."

"Yeah it is."

She tried to look stern for a few seconds before giving in and planting a quick kiss on Hades's lips. "Ok, maybe a little bit."

"Hmmm."

A crash from the direction of the kitchen, and the sound of Despair berating something at the top of her voice, made the two deities pause in their actions.

Hades tilted his head in the direction of the noise and grimaced. "We just got landed with feeding a Norse sea serpent, didn't we?"

"Yes."

"It's only lunch-time, isn't it?"

Persephone surreptitiously scratched the skin at the top of her robes. "Unfortunately, yes."

"...Can't I just write off the rest of the day and go back to bed?"

"If I'm up, you're up. No excuses."

Hades pouted. "Awww."

* * *

TBC

* * *

(1) And yeah. Raging MCU Loki fangirl, right here. Tom Hiddleston is _ridiculously_ pretty, and I'm a sucker for good cheekbones.

(2) The Shapeshifting Nose-Stealing Albatross has been trying to steal the nose of my bestie's newborn son AKA my nephew Artie for some time. It hurts your fingers after a while, but it's the easiest baby entertainment I've ever done!

* * *

Hades: Another story arc. Really?

Melora: Multiple story arcs within a multi-chapter fic aren't unheard of. And I've now got another pantheon to play with, so I'm just going with it.

Hades: You just want to go and play with the pretty-looking bits.

Melora: Hey, I'm allowed to be mind-meltingly shallow occasionally.


End file.
